Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up...

♫ First floor: telephones, gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up...

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel books, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishing, restaurants, and teas

♫ Going down...

Mr. Humphries, Mr. Spooner,

have you nearly finished you stock-taking?

You're supposed to count them, not measure them!

Well there's no label on it,

we've gotta know what size they are!

Yes, now this inside leg is 28.

Yes.

And this inside leg's 15.

Ay?

Well that can't be right.

Right, it can't--

Oh, of course, it's all coming back to me now!

It was a special order by a Welsh sheep farmer

that lived on the side of a very steep hill.

He forgot to collect them.

Yes, extraordinary.

It's, uh, nearly seven o'clock, so I'm leaving.

Mr. Harman will let you all out with his master key.

I thought you wanted to check these figures tonight?

Well, the morning will have to do.

My wife expects me home at a reasonable hour.

Are you sure taking me home won't make you late?

No, no, that's all right.

You don't live anywhere near Miss Belfridge.

Well, knowing I was going to be late,

I borrowed me mother's motorbike and sidecar

to give you a lift home.

Well Mr. Humphries,

I thought you were completely the other way.

Ignore the rumors, it'll be a pleasure.

- No, no, no, I insist. I'll see you all on Monday.

Come along, Miss Belfridge.

Don't forget to lock up, Mr. Harman!

Oh, by the way everybody, I'm glad that the custom of

playing practical jokes on management on stock-taking

night has been discontinued.

We are far to tired for that, sir.

Sir!

As you're going straight home, I suppose

you won't be wanting the two tickets I bought for you

for the back row of the Continental Cinema tonight?

I didn't hear that.

I said you won't want them seats for the cinema--

Mr. Harmon, check the alarm systems and lock up

before you go home.

Yes sir.

It's amazing the trouble a bottle of peroxide can cause.

She's only going because she's up for a raise.

How do you know?

I recommended her for it.

Oh you men, you live in a dream world!

Those girls only use you to get on.

Mrs. Slocombe, do I have to remind you what clinched

your senior position on the ladies' counter?

I was the right age, I was very keen,

and I was ready for it.

All I know is Mr. Grace's face

when you came down from his office.

I'm not staying here to be insulted! I'm going home.

Psst, psst.

What is it?

What's going on?

We're being robbed.

What do you mean?

There's two blokes going through the safe in Accounts.

Oh, it's probably the staff up there--

doing stock taking like we are down here.

Yeah, but they'd use the key.

These blokes have got oxy-acetylene blowlamps.

Good heavens, we must ring the police!

Yeah, but the only outside line's in Mr. Rumbold's office.

But they can't get out of the building without the keys.

Well how did they get in?

What are we gonna do?

Well, all the doors are locked.

Now, if we could catch them ourselves, well,

it would be quite a feather in our caps.

No, feathers don't suit me,

I think we should phone the police.

All of a sudden I've got to spend a penny.

I'm afraid all the loos is locked.

Well, give me the key, it's an emergency!

Well, you can use the executive one, but hurry!

Okay, that's the one on the ring there.

Thank you!

Well, I'm all for having a go. Only two, you say?

Yes.

Well there's four of us men.

Three. I'm against violence.

Now, they obviously think the building is empty,

and we have the element of surprise, and well,

they're probably a lot more frightened than we are.

Oh yeah.

They're both over six feet tall,

and built like brick chicken houses.

On the other hand, phoning the police

would be the correct thing to do.

Oh look at the lift, it must be them,

what are we gonna do, they'll find--

Get behind the counter, quick, come on, everybody.

Come on, come on, come on!

Now look, I don't want anybody to do anything brave

or reckless until I give the word.

Don't worry, we won't.

This job's a piece of cake.

Yeah, all we need to do now is have a kip til they open,

and then just walk out, hehehe.

Maybe there's a safe down here we could crack.

We've run out of acetylene.

Well, it's worth a look around.

We could always chuck it out the window.

That usually opens 'em.

I told you they was big.

They look a right pair of ruffians.

Not the sort of gentlemen you could reason with.

If we jump on them from behind, it might surprise them.

It might amaze them! I don't think--

Well what are we gonna do?

We can't stay down here all night, can we?

Well, why don't we creep along,

and lock 'em in Rumbold's office?

Well, they might be coming out the door when we get there.

Oh yeah.

I used to be very handy with my dukes.

I used to fight for 10 bob a night

at the old Blackfriars ring.

Do you mean that you're volunteering to go lock them in?

Don't be fiver, that was 40 years ago!

I'm just remembering how handy I used to be.

Who's coming?

Hello?

Where is everybody?

Sssssh!

Ooh!

Are those men still upstairs?

No, get down here quickly.

Why?

Because they're in Rumbold's office. Down here, come on.

I've got to spend another penny!

Get here, quickly!

Oh, what are they like? Have you seen them?

They're both over seven foot tall, and mean with it.

What will they do to us if they catch us?

Keep quiet, and they won't.

If they seek Mrs. Slocombe's handbag on the carrel

that wasn't there when they came down,

they'll know someone's about.

Humphries, get the bag.

No, no, me legs have gone on strike!

Spooner, it's up to you.

Why me? Why can't you go?

Because I'm not quite as agile as I used to be.

You'll need a better reason than that.

If they catch Captain Peacock,

I mean it's obvious he's a high-up in the firm,

they might sort of hold him as a hostage

if it comes to a shoot-out with the police.

That's a good point, Harman.

- And whereas you, Mr. Spooner, you look a mere boy.

I mean, they'll just cross you,

and dump you in the fitting room.

That settles it. I'm staying put!

Oh I'll go meself.

No, don't, Betty, I'll go, you stay here.

Well, if they do catch you,

we'll all be on them like a flash.

All we need I think to crack that safe

is a wire coat hanger.

There'll be some behind that counter.

Achoo!

Bless you!

Wasn't me.

Tell me, Harry, do you remember seeing this dummy before?

They all look alike to me.

This one is very life-like. And it's got a lovely handbag.

Yeah. That would be a nice present for the wife.

Yeah.

She could do with some stocking as well.

Come on everybody, I've got them, come one!

Where are you all?

Fancy thinking we'd fall for an old one like that.

Now what are you doing here after closing time?

I don't have to give you anything other than

my name and number, and my name is Miss Brahms,

and I'm assistant one-three-four.

Well, assistant one-three-four, you can keep us company

in the office while we open the safe.

Weak as water, the whole lot of you, weak as water!

I didn't see you leading the charge.

I was waiting for your signal.

Well, if we men had been alone, we'd have gone in there,

but, well, we couldn't risk your being involved.

No, not a woman of your age.

Look, they've got Miss Brahms at their mercy,

they could be doing anything to her!

Ooh, I wish I'd gone in her place.

I was just thinking that meself.

I've got an idea!

Oh, about time, what is it?

Well, that sort of villain is always afraid of authority,

now, especially the police.

But the police aren't here.

No, but they don't know that.

And if I go in there, and say that I'm a detective inspector

from Scotland Yard, well,

then I'm sure they'd give themselves up.

Yes, but wouldn't it be safer to just run out

and get a proper policeman?

We can't. The master key for the exit's in your handbag.

Which is in the office.

I think Stephen's plan might work.

There's only one thing wrong with it, you see,

detectives always work in pairs.

You look a little bit old to be my assistant.

Oh, I don't mean me, I mean him.

I don't look like a policeman!

No, but you're all we've got.

Well, you have got that Army manner. It might work.

And, I mean, we've got to save Miss Brahms from being

at the mercy of those rough men.

I mean, they might even try to kiss her.

Not while they're on the job.

Well, that's what ruffians do when they capture girls.

They force their attentions on them.

Oh, if only I'd gone in her place!

I'd've put up a real fight! For quite a long time.

Here, take this.

What's that?

- It's my union card. Just flash it briefly,

and they'll assume it's your CID ID.

But what do I flash?

Nothing.

Just look alert, and pretend to take notes.

Oh get on with it!

Now what shall I wear?

Mr. Spooner, get me a size 42 riding mack out of stock,

and some tweed hats and caps.

Why a riding mack?

Juliet Bravo never wears anything else!

Boy, I hope there's something

worth having in here.

What do you expect, the crown jewels?

Oh, just belt up.

You'll never get away with this, you know!

Blimey, you never stop talking!

You're worse than my old woman.

More Rabbit than Sainsbury's.

This is the police. The game's up.

Come out with your hands up.

Don't tell 'em to come out here, we're out here!

Oh yes. Stay where you are, two of us are coming in.

Help, help, help, help!

Help, help, help, help!

- Nix! I'm too far to jump. - Help, help, help, help!

- Help, help, help, help! - Shut up!

I am detective inspector Stephens, from Scotland Yard.

I arrest you for breaking and entering.

Uh, I warn you that anything you say will be taken down

and may be used in evidence.

My assistant, Detective Spooner, will release the girl.

Should I put the cuffs on 'em?

That will not be necessary.

How about search them to see if they're tolled up?

Here!

Just release the girl.

All right, it's a fair cop. Who blew the gaffe?

We uh, we had a tip-off.

Oh, I knew it. Was it the Gumby Gang?

What do you boys know about the Gumby Gang?

We will interrogate them later at the station, Spooner.

That's all right, we'll talk.

Oh good.

They're the meanest, heaviest mob in the underworld.

The law's never laid a finger on them.

What's their description?

Well, we've never seen 'em, but apparently

they're led by old Pa Gumby, and his mad maw Ma Gumby.

Yeah. And they work with their stepson.

Italian Tony, the tootin' terror.

Well, they was threatening to move into our manor,

so I reckon they must've tipped you off

to get us out of the way.

Well, as a matter of fact they did.

Spooner, take that handbag down to forensics,

and have it examined for fingerprints.

Yes, Captain Peacock.

Er, just a minute.

I thought you said your name was Stephens.

Let's have another look at that card.

It would be foolish to resist arrest.

A longer look than that.

It's a union card.

For packing and maintenance engineers.

Oh dear. You are in deep water, old son.

Right out of your depth.

Impersonating a police officer.

Uh, look, if you let us go, we won't say anything,

will we Mr. Spooner?

Not a word!

Get some more rope and tie them to that cupboard.

I must protest!

If you do, we'll gag you.

Wait, they've seen our faces. They could identify us.

I have no memory for faces!

Me neither!

I have! And when you're in court, I'll come in there,

and I'll pick you out, and you'll go down for life, you--

Shut up!

Please, be quiet Miss Brahms.

She's, she's only doing it to annoy you.

Now, I'll handle this.

Now, if I give you the key to the exit, will you let us go?

Oh, so you've got a key, have you? Alright.

Where is it?

I'll get it.

No, no, don't give it to them!

They mustn't get away with this!

Miss Brahms, don't!

There, you see, you've had it now.

Because the key was in there, and now you can't get away,

and you'll have to stay here, and the police will come,

and you'll be knicked!

That was not a very clever move, Miss Brahms.

Follow me. I've got a plan.

Come on.

I think me legs have gone on strike again!

Hup!

48 coat hangers.

And not a sign of getting it open.

You're wasting your time. It's empty.

Yeah, why don't you tie a load of trousers together,

hang 'em out the window, and escape while you can?

Because we've got our chauffeur arriving

at one minute past nine in the morning.

You're not dealing with rubbish here, you know.

Gah. Why don't we just settle down and have a nice kip?

I don't like any of your ideas so far.

What about this?

The one thing they're more scared of than the law

is the Gumby Gang.

How will that help us?

Well, they've never seen 'em.

We disguise ourselves as the villains and take over.

Yes, but we still can't get out.

Miss Brahms threw the key away.

Well, when we take over, we can use the phone to get out.

Mrs. Slocombe would never pass as Mad Ma Gumby.

Leave it to me. I know the look.

Mad Ma Gumby

I don't know, though.

Hurry!

I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying!

Oof.

We can escape while they're asleep and hide in the cellar.

Come come, quick quick quick quick.

Ooh

Okay you guys, freeze!

Here, who are you?

Me? I'm Pa Gumby.

And me and my family are taking over in your manor.

Okay Ma, I've got this lot covered.

No, we don't no trouble with you and Mad Ma Gumby.

Did you say trouble?

You don't know the meaning of the word.

Say Pa, don't kill that one. I kinda like his style.

Come down and see me sometime.

Uh, don't you mean come up and see you?

No. I live in the basement.

No, no, we don't want no violence, and we're not armed.

We was just doing a bit of petty thieving.

Yeah, we don't mind if you move in on our manor.

We'll split our share.

Yeah, yeah.

In fact, you can have all of it.

Say, that's quite a lot of cabbage, Pa.

You count it, sugar, while I call in our crazy son.

- Not... Italian Tony? The tootin' terror?

The same.

The very same.

The same!

And uncontrollable when there's a full moon.

And the full moon is tonight.

Okay Tony, you can come in now.

♫ Hello Mama, hello Papa

♫ What we got here, is a whopper

What these bums are?

Interlopers, They're moving in on our manor, son.

Oh, hold-a me back before I give them what-a for.

No! No, no, no, no Tony!

You know what happens when you let yourself go.

Oh Papa, you are a spoilsport.

Who are these two creeps-a?

They was posing as the law.

Maybe we should chuck 'em outta the window.

That warped son of yours is off his rocker.

Yeah, leave it out.

If you kill us, you'll never get into the safe.

You said it was empty.

I was lying to you. It is full of money.

All you need is a drill from the electrical department.

Okay son. You better be telling the truth,

otherwise I'll sic Tony on ya.

No, no, Papa, he is an old-a man-a.

I think he tell the truth.

Okay you guys. Get down to the electrical depot,

and get the drill.

Right

By the way, there's a rumor in the underworld

you're very keen on the girls.

As long as it's only a rumor.

Yeah, well. You can have that one. She's all yours.

No, no, I shall never give in to an Italian whopper!

We do have rumors in the underworld!

I'm proud to meet you, Tony.

In the underworld, you're a legend.

Ooh, they'll be talking about you soon.

Yeah, he's definitely one of us.

If ever you need a couple of good blokes behind ya--

You'll be the first to know.

Okay fellas, get-a to your drill.

If it wasn't for your old man,

I think you and me could make music together.

Pity I sold the piano.

Ooh goodness, they've gone,

I thought me legs were going to go again.

Ooh! Well, we fooled 'em.

Yeah, but how are we gonna get out of here?

I'm telephoning the police.

Hello, police.

Yes, it's urgent, it doesn't matter which station!

My number? Extension 214, Grace Brothers, yes.

Quick, they're coming!

Quick, look like you're doing something.

Well what should I do?

Live up to your reputation, give her a kiss.

You think they'll believe me?

I don't know, but I'm not used to this--

- Shut up! - No!

The steel doors was down,

so we couldn't get into the drills.

I see Tony's going through true to form.

Yeah! Living up to his reputation.

Yeah, and that's only just chatting her up.

I've got an idea.

Well, treat it gently, it's in a strange place.

Now look, I will telephone the man

who has the key to the safe, and tell him

that if he doesn't bring them down here,

he'll never see me again.

Here's the phone. And don't do anything fancy,

just keep the dialog legit, savvy?

Savvy.

Aaah!

Who is this? It's after midnight!

It's Captain Peacock, sir.

What do you mean by ringing me at home?

Sir, I'm in your office with five desperate criminals.

If you don't get down here with the keys to your safe,

you'll never see me again.

What are you talking about?

I've only got my teacup and biscuits in that safe.

As much money as that?

Well, you better get down here in a hurry.

Give it to me.

And don't spill the beans to the fuzz,

or it's curtains for the Captain.

Mrs. Slocombe, what are you playing at?

Slocombe? I never heard of the dame. Now get on over here.

Here, let me have a go.

Mr. Rumbold, it's true.

There's me and Captain Peacock, Mr. Spooner,

we've been held prisoners in your office.

Oh please, you've got to get here quickly!

I won't forget this poor practical joke.

Oh, I knew stock-taking night wouldn't go by

without something like this happening.

Just don't do it again!

He's hung up!

Well that's torn it. What do we do now?

I got it.

You go get a trolley,

there's bound to be one by the goods lift,

and then when the store opens in the morning,

we'll just walk out as cool as a cucumber.

Oh, mine papa, you got-a the brains.

I've got to, ain't I?

Right.

Quick, phone the police.

Men's Wear.

So, Mr. Humphies, you're there as well.

Look, Mr. Rumbold, look, we're in your office,

and there are burglars here.

Now for goodness' sake, get the police!

Give it to me.

Mr. Rumbold, you've got to come and get us out.

We're in danger!

Oh don't be silly.

Anyway, Mr. Harman has a key, you can get out.

Yeah, but Miss Brahms has thrown it out of the window!

They're coming back!

Here we are. This should do the trick.

Right.

Hold it right there, boys.

I like a bit of muscle.

Ooh!

Okay, get down to the goods lift,

ready to go as soon as the doors open.

Here, why don't you do a bit of work?

You no speak-a to my papa

like-a that!

Otherwise I spread you across the wall like jam-a.

No way Tony, keep your hair on.

Okay you guys, let's just get this show on the road, ay?

- Oh, Mr. Humphries, that was good.

Here, keep your hair on.

It's alright, they've gone.

Your hair, in your hat!

Oh yeah!

We can't rely on Rumbold.

I think I've got to get up on the roof

and try to attract attention.

I can can strike some matches or something like that.

Don't be so silly, where could we say you'd gone?

Well, just say that I escaped from you.

Hoo! From someone as tough as me?

They'd never believe you.

Mr. Harman, you go out there and keep them busy.

And Mr. Spooner, grab a male dummy from display

and bring it in here.

What are you gonna do?

Never mind that, just go.

Yeah, all right.

It's a coin box.

Oh what do you want, Mr. Rumbold?

How many men? There were two.

Oh, yes, I know we said five, but that was for them.

Look, you've got to come and get the police

and bring them here,

and hurry up for goodness' sake!

No, I'm not panicking, no--

What? No, I'm not really being held prisoner,

but--well me and Mr. Harman are pretending to be gangsters,

and Mr. Humphries is our stepson,

and we've captured Captain Peacock

and Miss Brahms and Mr. Spooner,

and they think that Mr. Humphries is keen on Miss Brahms.

Tell him I can't keep it up much longer.

No, that might confuse him.

And for goodness' sake, hurry up, we're in dreadful danger!

All right, bring it over here.

Captain Peacock, you go up onto the roof

and attract attention.

Mr. Humphries, open the window and stand there.

What shall I do?

Just dangle it out of the window.

I beg your pardon?

The dummy! The legs!

See, you grab one leg, I'll grab the other,

and then we'll pretend it's Captain Peacock,

and that we're trying to make him talk.

Right, Peacock, spill the beans

or you'll take a dive.

Here, steady on!

He's gonna tell us the combination of the safe.

Are you outta your mind? You could drop him!

Whoops!

Well, what do you know?

He got-a false legs.

We've gotta get out of here.

We can't, we haven't got the key!

Suddenly, I feel kinda peckish.

Why don't you nip up to the canteen and grab a sandwich?

Sure thing Ma.

You come-a with me, we have a little--

Aw, he's such a little scalawag.

How can you be so cool?

I can warm up when I have to, big boy.

Captain Peacock?

Oh, thank God, it's you. How did you escape?

Never mind that now.

Now look, I've got this rope

over the pulley on the flag pole.

I'm going to tie it round my waist, like that.

Now, you must lower me over the edge,

and I'll go and get the police.

Isn't it a bit risky?

I must do it.

If I'm not home by one o'clock, me mother locks the door.

Oh good luck!

Don't get carried away with your part!

- Here you go. Take the string, Miss Brahms.

Careful now, gently, there we go, that's good, little more.

Look!

We'll have to get some more rope. He's stuck halfway!

Tommy! Where you going?

I just come-a down

to see if you wanted mustard-a on your sandwich, or--

This is the police.

The building is surrounded,

and officers are already in the building.

You have better give yourselves up.

Blimey! Quick, into the cupboard.

Alright.

All right, we got 'em.

And a nasty-looking bunch they are too.

I'm so glad to see you.

Do you know this person, sir?

I don't recognize anyone in this room.

What about me?

Who is that?

Who is that? I've no idea.

Looks like some kind of ice cream seller.

Come on, you lot.

Hello dear. Yes, a hoax, as I thought.

Oh they do it every stock-taking.

Well, I've taught them a lesson.

I said I didn't recognize any of them,

they're off to the police station.

Yes. Bye.

Do you by any chance have the keys to the safe?

Mr. Humphries? Get the police back, quickly!

Don't talk to me, I'm off to Beaux Street.

corrected by 7kozlov - www.myfbs.ru -

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up...

♫ First floor: telephones, gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up...

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel books, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishing, restaurants, and teas

♫ Going down...

♫ First floor: telephones, gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going down...

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up...