Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationery, and leather goods,

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel goods and bedding,

♫ Materials, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas

♫ Going down

Hello, good morning, morning all.

Mr. Harman, as Captain Peacock isn't here,

I feel it's up to me to tell you

that I don't want you on the floor

at this time in the morning.

My wife'll be pleased to hear that.

She's a very jealous woman.

Who told you he was short-sighted?

Orders from above, to enhance the sale

of the Costume all-purpose spectacles,

they are to go on display at all possible occasions

and you are on commission.

Hang on a minute.

Here, try those on.

How do I look?

Oh, yes, people'll respect you wearing those.

They make you look important.

I'll have 'em.

Mr. Harman, get off the floor.

On second thoughts, you can have 'em.

Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, you should know better

than to gather center-floor for a chat.

As a matter of fact, we was discussing why you were late.

Yes, we was worried about you, wasn't we?

We were just about to phone the hospitals

and the police station.

And Battersea Dogs Home.

It is just eight minutes past nine.

Hardly cause for panic.

Now, that spectacle display

should've been ready first thing.

I'm sorry Colonel.

Would you be looking for a new pair yourself

or will you be sticking to you normal Neville Chamberlains?

We should be looking for a new member of packing

if you don't leave the floor.

Just going, my lord.

Menswear.

Oh, Mrs. Peacock.

Yes, yes he's here.

It's for you Captain Peacock.

Yes?

I have until five o'clock to decide,

we agreed that.

Yes, well...

Look, I can't speak in front of my staff.

Well don't go and stand there gaping.

Get back to your counters.

The other side.

I can't talk now, I have to go, goodbye.

Captain Peacock, normally I would acquiesce

with your command to return to my counter

but if you're in any trouble, and I am unanimous in this,

I would like you to know that we're all behind you.

I'm not in any sort of trouble.

If you're not, why is that muscle in your neck twitching?

I repeat, I have no problems whatsoever.

I wouldn't say that, Rumbold's on the warpath.

Peacock.

Yes, Mr. Rumbold.

It's well after opening time

and I find you wearing your hat and coat.

I can only conclude that you're late

and setting a very bad example.

If I may speak Mr. Rumbold,

Captain Peacock isn't late.

He was modeling this hat and coat for a customer.

But it's his hat and coat.

Yes, he was showing the customer how well they wear.

Well, where is the customer?

They've gone away to think about it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But you have been late three times this week

and a fourth time would've meant a severe reprimand.

Oh poppycock.

We're not still at school, you know.

Really Peacock, I won't be spoken to in that manner

in front of the staff.

And neither will I.

And, if you continue to get up my nose,

I shall be forced to mention the number of days

you leave early by the back entrance.

Peacock, you're pushing my patience to its limits.

Really?

I may seem a good-natured person

but I must warn you I'm capable of blowing my top.

Judging by appearances, you've already blown it.

I really don't think senior management

should engage in this kind of exchange

in front of counter staff.

Don't mind us, we're enjoying it.

I shall expect an apology before I leave.

Will that be at 5:00 p.m.

or are you slipping out early again?

That will be all, get back to your places.

That told him.

Ooh, do you know, I'm really proud to be on your floor.

I may not be on this floor much longer.

I'm thinking of making a change.

Don't say that, it wouldn't be the same without you.

Menswear.

Accounts?

Yes.

Miss Bagnold?

Just a moment.

Captain Peacock.

This is rather a private matter, if you wouldn't mind.

Come along everyone, away from the phone.

I told you not to phone me.

Yes, yes she knows everything.

Well, almost everything.

No-no, I haven't made up my mind one way or the other.

Now listen, I think it was most unwise of you

to get a position with this firm.

We could be near each other after hours.

No, no I am not leaving the floor.

No Edna, you must not come down here.

Now listen, I'm putting the phone down now.

Now, please do not ring me again.

I hope none of you heard that.

Pardon?

I said, I hope none of you heard that.

Of course not.

Which Miss Bagnold was that?

I expect the new one in accounts with the big knockers.

I hope this tittle-tattle doesn't go any further.

Ooh, don't worry.

You can trust us.

Well, I have a slight problem

but I'm sure I can settle it alright.

I would be obliged if you didn't mention it again.

It's rather delicate.

Mum's the word.

I hope not.

Yes, who is it this time?

Ooh, Mrs. Peacock.

You don't want to disturb him.

No.

You want to know what?

Are you on or off for tonight?

Tell her, I haven't made up my mind.

Hello?

Whatever it is, he hasn't made up his mind.

You'll be here at five o'clock anyway?

She's hung up.

I take it you're not on the best

of terms with Mrs. Peacock.

That is correct.

Now, if you don't mind,

let us continue with our business as normal.

Oh, poor Captain Peacock.

I thought he was under a strain.

You can always tell when a man's got something worrying him.

How?

He looks furtive.

Well, what do you think's up?

Well, it's clear that he's got a problem at home.

And not for the first time.

Ooh, what about this Miss Bagnold from the accounts?

She only joined this week.

Yes, well, obviously he has known her before.

Ooh, do you mean known in the biblical sense

or just socially?

Well, nowadays, it's the same thing.

But obviously, she's preying on his mind.

Well, I wonder who he's thinking about now:

his wife or Miss Bagnold?

I sincerely hope it's his wife.

But, when people get to middle-age, you know,

they get desperate.

They feel their youth escaping,

the chill wind of autumn has started to blow.

Well, I know that's how I felt.

And, did you kick over the traces

when you felt the chill wind of autumn.

No, I bought some thick knickers.

Stephen, psst, I must talk to you.

Not now.

I'm not leaving until you do.

Mr. Humphries, are you free?

I'm free.

Would you take the floor for a moment?

I have to discuss a matter

with a member of the accounts department.

Did you see that?

It's like Dallas.

He's asking for trouble.

If you ask me, he's got it.

The lift's stuck between floors.

What's going on?

More like what's going off?

No-no, I mean, generally between them.

Well, he hasn't confided in me.

Obviously, he was thinking of leaving home

for this other woman.

She's only come to light since she joined accounts

to be near him.

And I expect, like most men, he doesn't mind a bit

of shilly-shally on the side.

As long as it's away from home.

Or away from work.

Ooh, some men like it at work.

You denied everything when they fired Mr. Bentor.

We all denied everything when they fired Mr. Bentor.

The point is that Captain Peacock's in a bit of a spot

and I think we ought to stick by him.

Well yes, but if he won't confide in us,

what can we do?

Well, we'll find an opportunity to have a chat with him,

you see, and assess his situation,

and try and advise him the best way we can.

What a good idea.

Now, see, I'll sit next to him in the canteen

and draw him out.

You lot pretend to be chatting amongst yourselves.

It's probably just a passing crush

this woman's got on him.

It'll all be over by coffee time.

I think it's going to take a bit longer than that.

Captain Peacock, would it help to have a woman's opinion?

Don't talk to me about women,

I've had women up to here.

I've never seen one that tall.

Be quiet.

No, I mean about your problem.

I mean, it's clear that you and Mrs. Peacock

aren't getting on as well as might be at the moment.

Are you surprised?

We've been married for over 30 years.

Well, you're bound to have your ups and downs.

I mean, my marriage had its ups and downs for years.

In fact, for the last few, there were hardly any ups at all.

I'm afraid mine has got to the point

where I've either got to go now

or stay forever and make the best of it.

The trouble is, I can't go.

Why not?

This is just between us.

Oh, I don't care who knows.

Except Spooner.

I'll put some buns on me ears.

You look like an underdone hamburger.

The problem is, my wife won't give me a divorce.

Have you asked for one?

Well, what an idiotic question, of course I have.

It's not just for myself, you understand,

I think it would be better for her.

I've changed over the years.

I'm not the same gay, carefree fellow I was

when we first met.

You're certainly not as carefree.

Then, I met Miss Bagnold at the golf club.

Was this recent?

No, two summers ago.

An old army chum and his wife introduced us

and we had a foursome that was most enjoyable.

Anyway, I need some more buns.

Then, it turned out that Miss Bagnold and I

have the same handicap.

Oh, you was both married?

Golf handicap.

She was single, had a good job in a bank, the Midland,

and like a fool, I opened an account there.

And I always seemed to find myself at her window.

Well, she became infatuated and, I think, so did I.

Soon, the entire Midland Bank knew about it.

Well, it is the listening bank.

No-no, I found that I was thinking

about her more and more,

and unfortunately, I talked in my sleep.

And apparently, I kept repeating my account number.

My wife got suspicious.

How do you know?

She hit me with a bedside lamp.

What did you do?

Opened an account at the National Westminster

and asked for a divorce.

Of course, no wonder you've been looking peaky,

the divorce is playing on your mind.

No-no-no, as I said, my wife refuses to give me a divorce.

On the contrary, she wants to forget the whole episode

and give it another try.

Well, wouldn't it be worth giving it another try?

Well, I thought so,

until Miss Bagnold gave up her former position

and joined the accounts department here.

Oh, she shouldn't have done that.

Well, as long as I don't see her, I'm fine.

But the sight of that desperate face

plays Old Harry with my conscience.

And I realize what a swine I've been.

The strain must be awful.

You don't know the anguish of making two women unhappy.

No, no I need a change.

If you was younger you could go off

and join the Foreign Legion.

That did cross my mind.

Forgetting it all with a tough bunch of men.

It's crossed my mind occasionally.

But, well, when you get to my age, it's too late.

What are you going to do?

Well, whatever I do, I've got to do it today.

Now, I promised my wife that I'd make a decision

one way or the other.

And, as she's arriving here at 5:00 p.m.,

well, I expect there's only one course open to me.

I should try the fire exit 'cause here's Miss Bagnold.

Stephen, I must talk to you.

Leave this to me, I'll deal with her.

Not now Miss Bagnold, I'm having my coffee with my staff.

I've decided that, if you won't leave your wife,

there's only one thing left for me to do.

Return to the bank?

No, I shall wait for you forever.

No man can ever take your place.

Wherever you go, I shall be there.

Such is my love for you and I don't care who knows it.

Just a moment Miss Bagnold, you're not the only one

that loves Captain Peacock, you know.

He's very popular here so don't be selfish.

Does your heart tremble when he takes your hand?

Does your day suddenly fill with a rainbow when he smiles?

Do you want to hold him in your arms and kiss him like this?

You've got a submission.

Excuse me, I only said he was very popular,

I don't know him as well as that.

Well, that's it.

I shall have to offer my resignation,

I can't stay here now.

You'll do nothing of the sort,

if anybody goes it's her.

Just a minute, I've got an idea.

How about if she found you with another woman?

Then, she'd go mad and go off you.

Yes, if she found out how shallow you are, she'd leave.

No, I don't want to hurt her.

I mean, she really is in love.

You know, I've often thought how much easier

it would be to be a woman.

They lead much more straightforward lives than we do.

Everything's in black and white for them.

You gotta be cruel to be kind,

I mean, you'll be doing her a favor.

I've often done it to get rid of birds.

Huh, you?

You've never had a bird to get rid of.

I'll have you know,

I have them banging on my door every night.

Yeah, trying to get out.

No, you know, there might be something in it.

Well, it might work but how can we arrange it.

Well, you could be kissing Mrs. Slocombe

in the fitting room.

Then, I'll get Miss Bagnold down

on the floor on some pretext.

Ask for change for the till, that's always a good one.

Well, would she be jealous of Mrs. Slocombe?

Well, if we were in a passionate embrace.

Don't you think that she might be more inclined

to be jealous if I was in a passionate embrace

with Miss Brahms?

No, Miss Brahms looks too easy.

I mean, Mrs. Slocombe's got that, sort of,

unobtainable quality about her.

No one would believe anyone would be kissing her

unless they was really serious.

Here, actually, he might be right, you know.

Yes, well, we'll keep that as a last resort.

Firstly, I'm going to have to speak to Mr. Rumbold

and see if he can get Miss Bagnold moved to another branch.

I mean, she quite clearly,

she can't control herself working here.

Can I ask you a personal question?

What exactly do you do to get them in this state?

But that's just it, I don't do anything.

Do you know, neither do I.

Doesn't seem to have the same effect.

Captain Peacock, I can't just ask accounts

to transfer Miss Bagnold without a good reason.

I assure you I have a good reason

but it's not one I can discuss in front of your secretary.

I know the reason, you're in love with her.

I'm not in love with her.

It's all over the store,

it's even written on the wall of the ladies.

Is it, indeed.

We must have it off as soon as possible.

You've seen it too.

Do I gather that you, a married man,

have been Casanova-ing around?

No, I mean, unfortunately, that Miss Bagnold

is more than infatuated with me

which is causing me great embarrassment.

Does your wife know?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I've asked for divorce.

Oh, so you can marry Miss Bagnold.

Miss Bagnold is driving me mad.

Uh, and you said I drove you mad.

Ah, you want to marry Miss Belfridge.

I strongly advise against it,

the age gap, it would never work.

I don't want to marry anyone.

Then why ask for a divorce?

Because I've had enough.

It would appear, more than enough.

Oh, Miss Belfridge, I think you'd better leave.

This is clearly a very personal matter.

No, it's getting a bit late now,

I mean, she's heard everything.

Well, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Your executive tea and biscuits sir.

Ah, I see you're entertaining The Red Shadow.

Miss Bagnold took of you.

I do not wish to discuss my private life

with cellar people.

Well, you're the talk of the store.

They're calling you the Robert Redford of ready-mades.

In packing, they're running a book,

5/1 that you run off with Miss Bagnold.

That will do Mr. Harman.

You can see how intolerable my position is becoming.

I won't let you do it.

I'll stand by you Stephen.

I'll make a note of that,

20/1 Miss Belfridge, an outsider but a lot of form.

Right, I've phoned Miss Bagnold,

I've told her we need some change for the till.

Now, when she comes down on the floor,

she'll ask where you are.

I shall lower my eyes, shiftily, like this.

Ooh, yes, that's shifty.

Then, I shall blurt out, he's in there

but don't go in.

And then, she'll find us in a clinch

and she'll go right off you.

I'm sure she will.

I'll make it as realistic as I can.

And I'll attempt to do the same.

Well, come on, let's have a quick practice.

Very well.

Now then, do you want it on the floor

or shall we standing up?

I'm not a sex maniac,

I just suffer from the odd infatuation.

I think standing up will be quite sufficient.

Right, well, come on.

Let's have a quick one.

I don't think we should smudge your lipstick

until we get the word from Mr. Humphries.

Yes, but we must rehearse which way round

we're going to do it.

What do you mean, which way round?

Well, I mean, do you want my left arm

round your right shoulder or vice versa?

I mean, usually when I kiss people goodnight,

I've got my handbag over my right arm

so I hang my umbrella on it

and then I put my right round their necks, like this.

How often do you kiss people goodnight?

Well, when someone gives one a lift home from the pub,

they expect a bit of a canoodle.

Well, that seems a satisfactory position,

now, all we have to do now is wait.

Mm, what's that aftershave?

It's just my usual.

Mm, it's lovely.

You know, looking at you from this angle Stephen,

you're really a very attractive man.

I can quite see what they all see in you.

Can you?

And I suppose, looking at me so close,

you can see what some of them see in me as well.

Yes, even from here I can see it.

Now, don't put your face there,

all the powder will come off.

It'll make her more jealous.

Where's Captain Peacock?

I've got good news for him.

What is it?

Well, I've just phoned the accounts department

and, apparently, Miss Bagnold is not very satisfactory

and they're giving her three months notice.

I don't think he'll survive three months.

I've put the money in the till.

By the way, where's Captain Peacock?

I want a word with him.

He's no business of yours Miss Bagnold,

kindly get back your own department.

I shall be back at going home time.

By the way, where is Captain Peacock?

Well, he's in there but don't go in.

That's it, that's it, come on.

Captain Peacock, have you gone mad?

Where's Miss Bagnold?

Isn't one at a time enough?

Unless you can change your ways,

you're finished at Grace Brothers.

What you bringing those over here for?

Let's try and sell that customer some of these glasses.

Oh yes, our commission.

Are you trying to tell me something?

As a matter of fact, I was trying to

interest you in these glasses.

They're on special offer.

Really?

Well they're a little bit ordinary.

Now, I prefer something big and dramatic,

something bold that makes a statement.

Oh, so do I.

Like these.

Oh, now they do make a statement.

You can have them for a fiver.

Done.

By the way, get rid of him, he's very bad for your image.

He's right you know, take 'em off, you look ridiculous.

You know, he hasn't said a word since lunch.

You can see his mind turning over.

He keeps muttering to himself, shall I or shan't I?

Here, I heard him on the phone outside the canteen,

you know, talking to his wife,

it seems she's trying to get him to go back.

Anyway, she's coming in about five to see if it's on or off.

Well, he'll have to make up his mind

one way or another before then

but if she won't give him a divorce, that's that.

May I use your mirror?

There you are.

Can I try the one with the bow?

Um, you've got it on the wrong way round.

That's the way I like it.

I'll take it.

Bag, Miss Brahms.

And, I'd like to look at some tights as well.

Size?

Large.

Large tights, Miss Brahms.

Color?

Something dark, without seems.

Just had a terrible thought.

What?

Well, you know you said there was no way

Captain Peacock could get a divorce

unless he changed completely.

I think he's found a way of doing it.

What way?

Well, it's been done before.

What has?

Well, he's always had all these terrible problems

with women, I mean, it's not easy being a man.

I should know.

You don't think he's thinking of changing, do you?

Well, he's already tried two hats

and now he's into the underwear.

He's come unhinged.

It's always the strong ones.

There's one thing I can do before it's too late.

What's that?

Talk him out of it.

Well, I'll take the hat and the underwear.

Now, do you have a smart skirt, something short.

How short?

Well, about there.

No, not to there.

They're not fashionable anymore, you know.

Ladies, for cocktail parties, are wearing trousers

and a smart white shirt and a little tie.

Ah, I think a short skirt is more fun

and it'll go with this blouse.

Very nice.

Bit see-through isn't it?

Well, perhaps a black one, like that one over there.

Hmm, thank you.

Are ladies wearing collars this high?

Ladies are, yes, but I don't think anybody else is.

Put them both in my bag, will you,

and put it all on my staff account.

Oh, those suspender belts look rather fun.

Yes, I'll take stockings instead of tights.

Which one do you want: the white frilly one

or the pink frilly one?

The black frilly one.

They're rather common.

But fun.

Don't argue with the customer Miss Brahms,

just put them in a bag.

Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

Here you are Thank you.

Would you look after the floor Mr. Humphries?

Yes, Captain Peacock.

Wonder what he wants with that lot?

Well, don't you know,

he's found the only way he can get a divorce.

Mark my words, that lot's on it's way

for a wild weekend in Brighton with someone.

With that lot, you could have a wild weekend by yourself.

No, you know, I did wonder and then I thought,

no, not Captain Peacock, well, not with that mustache.

Well, his wife won't want him

in the house dressed like that.

She'll be sure to give him a divorce.

Yes, but to go to those lengths,

oh no, I don't believe it.

Unless they're for Miss Bagnold.

She's about that size.

Or Miss Belfridge.

I bet it's Miss Bagnold, he's decided to chuck it all in

and make hay while he can.

Well anyway, his wife's coming in about five.

It's nearly that now.

Mind you, there's gonna be fireworks.

Oh, well, stand by for blasting,

here's Miss Bagnold for the showdown.

Do you know, it's the busiest Tuesday I've known.

Where's Stephen?

Oh, he's in the fitting room, I'll get him for you.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

I'm free.

No, not you, not Stephen.

Say it isn't you.

I'm afraid it is Miss Bagnold.

I never want to see you again.

Thank heavens for that.

So that's why you did it.

Not entirely, no.

Oh, it's Mrs. Peacock.

Stephen?

Ah, there you are.

My darling, I've made up my mind.

I'm very glad to hear it

and, may I say, you look wonderful.

Thank you my dear and so do you.

Have I missed something?

I gave him one last chance:

we had tickets for a fancy dress ball in Chelsea

and if he decided to go with me

it meant that he would stay with me forever.

Well, have you got anymore tickets?

Two actually.

Thank you.

There's a little number I've been dying to try for ages.

Mrs. Slocombe, are you free?

Yes, if you'll help me with me dickey and studs.

Thank goodness we're all back to normal.

Come on.

corrected by 7kozlov - www.myfbs.ru -

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationery and leather goods,

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel goods and bedding,

♫ Materials, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas

♫ Going down

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going down

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationery and leather goods,

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up