Original subtitles

Come on, girl. We're going to be late.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oops.

Honey, you want to do something about that?

See, honey, you'll be back in 20 minutes.

Jim.

We got

20

minutes. Eat up.

It was a lot cuter eight years ago.

Oh, baby.

Oh,

Jim. Jim. Dana and Ryan are here.

Oh, great, honey. Thanks for the heads up. I'll be in the garage.

Jim.

You know what?

Tell them I'm in bed.

Better yet, tell them I'm dead.

Jim, this is the first time my sister's been back since they moved to

California. Would it kill you to act excited?

Cheryl, you know who you married. Unless it's about sports, steaks, or

fireworks, I don't get excited.

Hey, Jimmy. Hey, Ryan.

Dana.

Jim.

Okay, I guess we're done here, right? No, stop it.

Let's sit down and relax.

Wait, wait, wait. We have some very big news first.

Andy and I have some very big news.

How? Hey, Dana.

Hey, Andy. My news first. No, no, no, no. My news first.

Well, what's the news?

Come on. You finally got a girl to go on a second date with you, so you got

engaged. Oh, and we're so excited.

Dana couldn't lose her baby weight, so she got pregnant.

And I'm going to the garage.

No, no, no. Stop it.

Fine, fine, fine. I'm excited. I'm excited. I am so excited.

Oh, what do you do?

Oh, do you have a date set yet? Is it a boy or a girl?

Don't you go wedding dress shopping without me? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh,

God. Oh, my God.

I'm so excited.

How's that?

I think Tim wants to play charades.

Cheryl, I think he's choking.

What?

and I hug you around the waist. I'll put my hands on your shoulders. No, no.

Listen, man.

I got some good news and some bad news for you. Great, great. What's the good

news? We're going to be hanging out together all the time. Yes!

What's the bad news?

We're dead.

Dead?

Deany, I was having this great year, and then I choked, and it's over.

I feel like I'm the Cubs.

You are going to love it up here. Yeah? The beer's free, the band's always

great, and you get to ride your motorcycle without a helmet. Oh, great.

how did you die?

Riding my motorcycle without a helmet.

Go and check in with that guy there. I'll see you for dinner.

We're at Harry Carey's table. All right, I'll be sure to bring my liver.

That's the other thing about up here.

Take a welcome bag.

Enjoy heaven.

Take a welcome bag.

Enjoy heaven.

Take a welcome bag.

Enjoy heaven.

Take a welcome bag.

So how did you go?

Took a bullet saving my family. How about you? Enjoy heaven.

Yeah, same thing.

Enjoy heaven.

Take a welcome bag.

How you doing?

with the welcome bag.

You think I can get two?

Wow, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did I win something?

Am I like the millionth customer?

Apparently you've been red flagged.

Oh, hell.

Potentially, yes.

Now where am I?

God, is that you?

Yes, God, oh.

God, I gotta talk to you. They won't let me into heaven.

Can you say a few words for me? You know a guy?

Jim, I am the guy.

What's this all about, then?

Oh, I get it.

I get it. I can't go into heaven until I do jury duty, right?

I need to review the merits of your life, and if everything checks out, we'd

happy to have you in heaven, but... Of course, if it doesn't, then all hell

break loose, David.

See what I did? I came in at just the right time. Woo -hoo!

Uh, does, uh, hell have a gift bag?

For you.

Nice color.

Jeff, Jim will be the person who loves you most in the world. Oh, thank God. I

mean, thank you.

I'm here for you, Jim!

Wait a minute, where's Cheryl?

She loves you, but not the most.

Andy, are you dead?

No, no, I'm fine. God just borrowed my soul.

I got decades before I kick it, right, God? We really should get started here.

Hey, Jim, are you my case?

will be the person who despises you most.

There's my girl.

And how's that baby of mine doing?

Tab, stop.

You're so bad.

How could you be with someone so evil?

He's not that bad. I'm talking to him.

You know, Jim, for years I've been telling you to go to hell.

This time it really means something.

Come on, Ian.

Do something. Hey, don't worry, buddy. I got your defense all planned out.

God, I'd like to call to the stand your son, Jesus.

Jesus? You can't call Jesus.

I used his name in vain at the Super Bowl.

Not a problem. He forgives everybody. Plus, I'm hoping he autographs my Bible.

God, God, permission to smack my lawyer in the back of the head?

That's not exactly the sort of thing that will get you into heaven.

It was worth it.

Actually, the lady goes first. Call your witness.

Kyle, tell us about the butler incident. Think back.

Will there be anything else, sir?

Well, we may be going out later, so... Have the car washed.

Very good, sir.

He made his eight -year -old son work as his butler. Oh, come on, Dina.

You know Kyle and I like to play Batman.

He likes to be offered.

Which is great, because then I'm Robin.

Oh, sweet.

You expect us to believe that a little kid enjoys pretending to be a butler?

Ooh, it's three o 'clock. God, shall I make you some tea?

Sure. Long Island.

Hi, girls.

Hiya, Dana.

I brought you something really nice from California.

Objection!

She didn't bring me back anything from California.

Let's talk about your dad and the pizza man.

Uh, that's 35 minutes.

Pizza's free, right? Well, I'm a little bit on time, but your house doesn't have

any numbers.

None of the houses on your street have numbers.

Damn neighborhood kids.

Try delivering pizzas. Get the numbers right.

All right, he's gone. Girls, come here, quick.

Help me put these numbers back before your mother gets here. Wait, but won't

pizza get cold?

You're right.

Put this pizza in the oven, Alfred.

What rules?

If it's not delivered in 30 minutes, it's free.

They even call it the challenge.

You hid your house numbers.

That's what makes it a challenge.

Hey, if loving pizza is a reason to send someone to hell, send us both.

Andy, you're not helping me here.

Hey, Ryan.

Hey, honey. How's my little bun in the oven?

Oh, he's a little devil.

You're terrible.

Brian, you and Jim are friends, right?

We've met.

Tell us about how he's evil incarnate.

Oh, well, I wouldn't say he... Do it! He's tried to ruin my marriage multiple

times. Odd number anniversaries just aren't that important.

It is your duty to make your wife cry every six weeks.

Never, ever call your wife by her first name.

Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving?

He even made me grow this stupid goatee and I hate it.

Nice job.

Crybaby.

Hold on a second. I can defend each and every one of those statements.

Okay, what's the problem with Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving?

You mean the day that we set aside each year to give thanks for all the gifts

that you have given?

Nothing. Nothing.

Hey, don't worry about it. The old Andy man's got some moves left.

Your Honor, I'd like to call to the stand a great man.

Me.

Can I do that?

Well, it's a Hail Mary, but I can't get enough of those.

a little bit about your friend Jim.

Well, he's not just my friend, he's my best friend.

Wouldn't you say he's your only friend?

No, not at all. I have lots of other friends. Like who?

Your mom?

Your dead father?

The robot you built to play chess with you? Shut up! Just shut up!

to look for a check and make ass of a bi...

Objection! To what?

To him as my lawyer!

God, I would like to represent myself.

Well, a man who acts as his own lawyer has a fool for a client.

Yeah, well, whoever said that didn't have him as a lawyer.

I would like to call...

Cheryl to the stand.

Hi, baby.

What are they, dude?

That's your wife?

I know what you're thinking.

I married the hot sister.

Cheryl, tell everybody what a great guy I am.

I have the perfect story.

I bet you have thousands of stories.

I've got the perfect story.

Last year, our church needed a new roof, and Jim offered to put one on at cost.

He did a great job, and our house of worship, your house, was warm and dry

again.

That's right.

I fix churches.

That's the kind of guy I am.

I'm a church fixer.

I can't have a church fix in hell.

Cool it, Sally.

You say that he did a good job.

Is the roof still there?

Well, sadly, a few weeks later, the roof was ripped off by a windstorm.

Oh, really?

Was it named Hurricane Jim?

into heaven.

God, can I have a sidebar with my witness?

I'd say that's probably a good idea.

Carol, come here.

You're supposed to tell a story that emphasizes the good part of me. I

that's what I was doing. You've got to fudge a few details. Take a little deep

breath. Squeeze out some tears.

And remember, God is a guy.

So pop a couple buttons.

We're going to move on here. I've got a tea time I want to make.

I'm playing with Bob Hope. That guy's wild.

So, Cheryl, is there another story you'd like to tell?

I don't know about you, but is it me?

Is it getting a little hot in here?

Yes, I guess it is a little warm.

Please continue, Cheryl.

Okay, um...

So, the other day, Jim was, uh, vacuuming.

And exactly why was I vacuuming? Uh, you were vacuuming because we were having

guests over.

Orphans. Hey, come on in.

Come on in.

Well, well, well, what can I get you, kid? Something to drink?

A snack, maybe? Or maybe some parents?

During the ventriloquist show.

Ventriloquist show?

One of the parents needed an emergency tracheotomy.

Luckily, Jim was carrying a pen.

I'm starting to think you asked your wife to lie to me.

Well, in my defense, I thought she'd do a better job.

way to tell them how you like to moon the neighbors.

Oh, old lady Nelson?

Oh, come on, she gets a thrill out of it. I kept her alive for the last ten

years.

I think we heard enough.

The guy's a bum.

God, give him to me. Let me have him. I'm sorry, Jim, but I think it's time

you to go.

Wait, God, can I ask Jim one question?

Fine, but you're explaining this to Bob Hope.

Jim, think back.

Do you remember what we fought about last Saturday night?

Why should I stop moaning old lady Nelson?

She doesn't like it.

She still looks.

Look, Cheryl, you know who you married.

Stop trying to change me.

And the fight we had the week before that?

Cheryl. Cheryl. It is not tax evasion when I use a false identity.

Come on, baby. You know who you married.

Stop trying to change me.

And last fall?

Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving?

Cheryl, you know who you married.

Stop trying to change me.

It's what you've said in every fight we've ever had.

And you know what, God?

He's right.

That's why I accept him for who he is.

Well, then you're better than me, Cheryl.

I just can't, lady man. Come on, let's go. No, no, no, no, no.

You get your hand off him, mister.

Ay,

mamita.

I did pick the wrong sister.

Cheryl.

Cheryl. That's okay. You try.

And if I gotta go to hell, at least I got to hear you say I was right one last

time. Oh.

You know what?

If he's going to hell, I'm going with him.

What? Oh, yeah. When I get down to Earth, I'm going to rob a bank, kick a

and moon old lady Nelson.

But you really do love me, don't you? But not as much as me.

I'm going to hell, too.

Let's all go to hell. Yeah.

Does hell have a welcome bag?

Seriously? You don't want to go to hell for Jim?

I guess we'll be the happiest family in hell.

Objection! You can't have a happy family in hell.

Yeah, that'll ruin everything.

I can't have him up here with me.

Well, I guess I got no choice but to send you back to Earth.

Yay!

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, Cheryl, thank you. Oh, honey.

You know there's no way you're getting to heaven without me.

That's the reason I married you. Oh,

Jim!

the country for that.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thought for a second there I was a goner.

Yeah. It's a good thing Andy was here to jump in front of the doctor to give you

the Heimlich.

You don't understand.

I was in heaven and God was deciding whether I should go to heaven or hell.

Wish I'd been there. I could have told him some stories.

You were there.

Everybody was there.

It was like a trial.

And in the end, God decided to give me a second chance.

Wow. So now you're going to live your life differently and be nicer to

And always tell the truth?

And set a good example with acts of kindness?

And treat us with dignity and respect?

And learn to treat life like the gift that it is?

Because you never know when it might be your last?

Oh, wow. We're all going, um, drink plenty of fluids.

No, I'm going to stay just the way I am. Well,

God don't want me.

The devil won't have me the way I figure it. If I never change.