Original subtitles

What the crap?

We're wearing the same shirt.

We're also wearing the same underwear.

I was out.

We can't go to school like this.

You need to change.

No, you need to change. No, you need to change. Morning, urchins.

What the fudge?

Jim, tell your kids they need to change their shirts. No, you need to change.

No, you need to change. No, you need to change. Hey, looking good.

Nice shirts.

You bought us all the same shirts? Sure did.

Hey, six bucks a dozen out of the pharmacy.

Too bad I ran out of cash or you'd have matching pants.

But, Daddy, it's starting to rain.

Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, here.

All right, everybody.

New boots!

Oh, baby.

Don't you think it's time to give up the newspaper, Gramps?

You and your dead tree are so yesterday.

With my computer, I'm hanging ten on a digital wave.

What? What?

Marmaduke. Oh, no, what'd he do? What'd he do? I love Marmaduke.

No, come on, come on, come on. Is he trying to ride the bus? He's too big.

Where is it?

Where is my...

Happy birthday, baby. I just want you to know that you're getting warmer.

Warmer.

Colder, colder.

Colder. More, more, more, more, more.

Feels like a plane ticket or

a gift certificate.

The Happy Wife coupon book.

Uh -huh.

20 minutes of snuggling.

One night of dishwashing five -dish limit. Yeah.

Happy birthday, baby.

You're welcome.

One hug.

almost got me, but you didn't. This is a setup. You'd never give me some lame

coupon book.

I wouldn't. Oh, please.

One free at -home bikini wax.

Well, I got the scissors and some duct tape.

He, uh, he did my back.

Soon as the bleeding stopped, I was smooth like a baby.

No, no, no, no way. There is a great present here somewhere.

Somewhere. You're slick, mister. You are not slick enough for me.

Well, Cheryl, you got me.

Keep looking.

The garage. You pointed at the garage. The present is in the garage. I love

these birthday setups.

Ow.

You are good.

Oh, man. If I still had it, the hair on my neck would be standing up.

Andy, that was not a setup.

That coupon book was my gift.

Whoa, whoa, that was real?

Yes.

I've run out of ideas for these stupid gifts. I mean, I used to put my heart

soul into each and every gift, but I just don't want to do it anymore.

Come on, man. Is it that hard to find your wife a present?

Fine. One present, okay.

But now it's her birthday, and a week it's the anniversary, then there's

Christmas, the tree isn't even gone yet, and then it's Valentine's Day.

I feel like a gerbil on a giant wheel of presents.

Yeah, but Jim, a coupon book?

Kyle gave her one last year. She loved it.

Kyle's nine.

He spelled coupon with a K.

The point is, it's run out of ideas.

Well, lucky for you, I'm here.

Andy, you're always here.

Jim, come on. If there's one thing I know about women, they love jewelry.

I guess I'll go to the mall and get an expensive gift.

Actually, I know a guy who gets good jewelry on the cheap.

Done!

That one's for me, Mom.

Oh, sweetheart, they're perfect. Thank you.

Open my neck.

Oh, okay.

Wow, Kyle.

You bought me a purse?

school bus.

It was right behind where the driver lady sits.

Let me see.

The cool thing is, there's more presents inside.

You're right. Granola bar, cheese, diabetes medicine.

I'll go make some phone calls. Yes, you do that, honey.

Haven't found your gift yet.

My gift's going to be a little late.

You couldn't tell me that before I stuck my arm down the sewer pipe?

How late?

Why don't you give me that calendar there, and I'll see.

Somebody's getting warmer.

Oh, my.

given to a woman by her husband 60 years ago. Come on, read the inscription

here. Read it, read it, read it.

For Emily Rose, my forever love.

Yeah.

That's how I think of you.

Except for I call you Cheryl.

Oh, Jim.

You don't know how long I've waited to say this.

I love you, Prince.

Great, great. Well, put it on. Come on, let's see what it looks like.

Hurry up, hurry up.

Oh, Jim.

To be married to you, what must that be like?

Jim, Jim, stop. Do not give Cheryl that necklace.

What do you mean?

Well, there may be a situation where, in the future, Cheryl's necklace might be

considered a, what's the word, evidence.

This necklace is stolen?

But there's good news.

It wasn't stolen from a store, and there's no chance the owner will come

for it. What do you mean? Where was it stolen from?

Oh, what's the word? A coffin.

Coffin?

A coffin? Andy, you know what you are? You're a... What's the word? Idiot!

I can't believe your jewelry guy is a grave robber. He's not a grave robber.

doesn't steal from graves. That's creepy.

He takes jewelry off of dead people. That's a grave robber. That's creepy.

No, no, no, no. My guy takes stuff from the coffin at the funeral home.

Oh!

A coffin at the funeral home.

Well, that's not creepy. That's delightful.

No, no, no, look. There's a bright side. None of this can be traced to us.

You're right. What Cheryl doesn't know won't hurt her. It'd be cruel to take it

away from her now. If we do wrong, she'll make it right. Let's face it.

Emily Rose is now, she don't miss it.

Emily Rose and Cheryl are both in heaven right now.

And you, sir, look like a prince for this present. No, you are a hero for

me the money.

Everybody wins. Everybody wins.

Except for Emily Rose, who's dad of my guy who's in prison. Okay, see ya. Wait,

wait, wait, where are you going?

Back to the hub.

Are you ready, Jim?

Cheryl, is that you?

Oh, not bad for a 39 -year -old mother of five.

Oh!

Look how it sparkles when I shoot.

Don't move too quickly. I don't want you to break anything.

Cheryl?

Can you just take off that necklace just for a second so...

I can read that beautiful inscription one more time.

Oh, I suppose so.

But that's not what I was hoping you'd ask me to take off.

Just a necklace will be fine.

Forever.

Until you get really old.

feel of a paper in the morning. I love it.

I'm watching a video of a snake eating a cow.

Oh, let me see. Let me see.

Maybe it's in your newspaper.

I have to get ready for work.

Andy.

Andy. I gotta talk to you about what happened last night.

That necklace has turned Cheryl into a bony old hag.

Look, she's a little thin.

And the years haven't been as good to her as they have been to me.

Andy, you've got to listen to me here. Listen to me, please.

When Cheryl puts that necklace on, she actually turns in to an old woman.

I think she must be the ghost of Emily Rose or something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're seeing ghosts?

Yes, a ghost.

I gave Mandy something from that guy, too.

Well, no, you didn't give her a haunted necklace from an old woman, did you?

Nah, it's not really her style.

Gave her something a little more hip.

What? Oh, my God, Andy, the necklace looks so great. You've got to see this.

I got her a diamond -studded dollar sign.

I can't wait to show my girlfriends.

They gonna be so jealous?

I'm one lucky girl.

You made me feel so pretty.

Mr. Tim, I'm as open -minded as the next guy, but, uh, am I dating a 300 -pound

cross -dressing black man? Yes.

Hey, just checking.

What the hell am I going to do?

You? I'm married to a ghost. You're just dating one.

Oh, not for long. I don't think we can both fit in the same car. All right, all

right, all right.

Let me think. Let me think. Think, think, think.

Hey, hey, you're right.

Hey, huh?

This is in our minds, man.

You're right.

This won't last.

Right. We just got to ride this thing out.

Right, right.

I'm better than telling the truth.

What is it?

You know what?

You're right. I mean, think about it. How often are Cheryl and Manny going to

get all dolled up and put on their fancy jewelry anyway?

I

didn't

realize this restaurant was so fancy.

Well, we were going to go to a more casual place, but I wanted to show off

unit list.

Get used to it.

I want people to see me, my bling, and my man.

Her goatee is tickling me.

Maggie, let's go talk to the piano player.

Maybe he'll know my favorite song.

What would that be?

Battle Hymn of the Republic?

Well, I sure like to hear some Barry Manilow.

Come on, girl.

And you.

Try not to miss me too much.

It's all good, boo.

I don't think I can take much more of this.

I got a plan.

Oh, thank God. What is it? We take some jewelry off a couple of dead Playboy

bunnies.

Do you know any dead Playboy bunnies?

Eh, we'll probably have to kill them ourselves.

You know, Jim, I don't mean to be Mr. Nick Pitt here, but it might be easier

take the jewelry and return it to the next of kin.

They're playing our favorite song.

All right. Well, let's go party like it's 1899.

Come dance with me. Oh, I'm not really in the mood. Hey, bring that ass in a

dance floor.

on three.

Let's rip off the necklaces and run.

One.

Two.

Three. Jim!

What the hell are you doing?

Why'd you take my necklace?

It's haunted.

What? I got it off a dead old lady.

What are you talking about?

And in your case, a scary ghost rapper.

Fix it, baby. Don't worry about it.

Oh, happy birthday. You look great.

Well,

to make a long story short, we checked the obituaries, and, well, we have your

dead wife's haunted necklace.

You have my Emily's necklace?

But how?

It was stolen from her coffin.

But not by us. We're good guys.

Well, if this doesn't work, we might have to kill a couple models later.

What the hell are you two talking about?

Well, I want to give you back your dead wife's necklace.

Why? I don't want it.

Because it's just a material thing and it won't bring your beloved wife back?

No, because the stones are fake and it's a cheap piece of crap.

The stones are fake?

Oh, my opinion of that grave robber just went down a peg.

These stones are fake?

For your wife?

For Emily Rose, your forever love?

Why would you do that?

Sixty years of birthdays and anniversaries.

I cut corners sometimes.

How often? Every time.

Stupid presents.

Jim, that was your exact same attitude yesterday.

I get it, Andy. I get it.

Oh, so you're just like me.

No, I'm not like you. I care for my wife.

Let me guess, you bought her that necklace because she got tired of your

lame gifts.

That is not true.

Yeah, he slaved over that coupon book.

A coupon book? I pulled that one. A free hug, a little cuddling, and Patty

Duke's autograph.

Mine's not like that at all. One year I promised Emily Rose a romantic vacation.

Right next to the Bears training camp.

I would never do that.

Jim, you have reservations this summer.

I just canceled them.

Look, take your stupid wife's stupid haunted necklace back.

I don't want it. Well, you're taking it, damn it. I don't want it.

From now on, I'm going to give my wife good gifts. I don't want to turn into

you. No.

No, my wife, she's special, all right?

Then I appreciate her.

She's a good woman.

I'm sorry, sir.

He's obviously forgotten that you're in mourning.

Eddie, are you coming?

Your bath is ready.

Actually, somebody's got a birthday coming up.

I better get out of here. He's really going to give it to me.

Yeah, with any luck, she's going to give it to me.

I do, but you know what?

Cheryl, you deserve this.

Oh.

Lottery tickets?

Nudie pen?

Whoopi Goldberg's autograph?

Cheryl, just open it. Just, just please for me, will you open it? Yes.

Diamond earrings and a diamond bracelet?

Yes, Cheryl.

I'm going to dig deeper from now on.

But not in graveyards, right?

No, no, no.

Cheryl, I've been getting lazy with these gifts.

I started looking at these gifts as chores.

But they're really chances for me to honor you.

Honey, you don't have to give me gifts to honor me. You honor me every day.

Oh, my God.

What?

The craziness of these last couple of days.

That... coupon book and and ditching me at the restaurant and the ghost story

you set me up to make this the best birthday ever

yes i did

happy birthday cheryl

Jim, Jim, I got a real problem here. I need your help. What happened? It's

Mandy. She wants her diamond -studded dollar sign back. She said it makes her

feel special.

Well, that means that she's still... Hey, honey buns.

It's getting cold in the car. I need you to come warm me up.

Come here, you.

I've been having a real stressful day. I want to get in the hot tub.