Original subtitles

Andy, is there anything I love more than a sandwich?

Your kids?

Only if they're making me a sandwich.

Oh, crap.

This bread's moldy. Freeze!

Andy, I may be crazy, but is that... The face of Walter Payton! It's the

face of Walter Payton!

I'll get the cigarette tupperware! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh, Jim. Two years ago, we found a moldy piece of bread with the face of Mike

Ditka. Yes. And last year, we found this piece of cheese with the face of Jim

McMahon.

And then the holy bologna. Yes.

With the face of Mike Singletary.

And now, with Peyton on this piece of bread, we can build

the sandwich of the 85 beer.

William, this is the refrigerator.

Perry? Oh, my God.

I'm here to eat your babies.

Oh, just kidding.

I'm here to grant you one wish.

And nothing too freaky -deaky.

Jim, I know it's your sandwich and your wish. Right. But just once, I'd love to

fit in a pair of hip -hugger jeans.

I wish...

For a thousand more wishes.

Dang, you beat the system.

Yes.

Don't go spreading that around.

A thousand wishes.

A thousand wishes!

Go, Jim.

Go, Jim. Go, Jim. Jim.

Jim. Jim.

Jim. Jim. Jim. Jim.

What?

Hey, kids are at the neighbor's and the twins are asleep.

Want to make a Jim and Cheryl sandwich?

I do indeed.

Hey, nothing too freaky deaky.

Hey, almost done.

What do you think? I think some elementary school is missing their

pole. You know what? They didn't miss their tire swing. They're not going to

miss this.

so much fun.

Can I go first?

Oh, I'm sorry, girls. This isn't for you.

This is for Kyle because he got a B on his last report card.

What? I got straight A's and I don't even get a pat on the back.

Gracie, give your sister a pat on the back.

Good job, bookworm.

Now, go get the young scholar and tell him to come out here.

Okay.

The white tetherball.

Well, I... I figured it was the only sport where even he couldn't lose the

No, honey, I just don't think he's much of a sports fan.

That's because he's so focused on his studies.

Jim, the bee we're honoring him for was an attendant.

He didn't miss any days, and he got a bee.

Well, I'm sorry, Cheryl, but the point is, he's going to be very excited about

this, and he's going to want to play with me.

Hey, there you are, my...

Scholar, my bright young boy, this is for you.

Cool, a flagpole and a ball.

Thanks. No, no, no, this is tetherball. It's a game.

What's the flagpole do?

Well, it holds the ball.

What's the flag?

A B.

In attendance.

Well, there's no flagpole. You see, I hit the ball on the other side of the

to you.

No, you hit it back to me.

With my face?

Listen, young man, I know you've been hit in the face with a basketball and a

baseball and a golf ball.

A bowling ball.

Bowling ball.

But this is going to be different.

This is going to be really fun.

You want to play with me?

Do I have to?

Kyle!

President!

That's really good, son. You're on your way to a... B -plus next year at school.

Your Uncle Andy's calling you.

Nice try.

No, no, he liked it. I mean, you know how guys are. He just didn't get all

excited about it, that's all.

I'm so excited!

Thanks, Uncle Andy! Oh my gosh, it's the coolest thing I've ever seen!

I know, right?

You're welcome, Kyle.

I love Magnesium Man.

Who's Milk of Magnesium Man?

coolest superhero in the world. Oh, Andy, that's so sweet.

Well, it's not every day a man on Jim's side of the family gets a B.

A lot of them can't even spell B.

Very funny.

Come on.

Let's go play some tetherball. Do you have more superheroes at your house?

I even have a life -size limited edition Magnesium Man super secret space

center. With a trouble chair and the working ottoman?

What?

Shinier than steel. Less flexible than gold.

Mag -mag -magnesium!

Wow.

Can't believe it.

I'm all alone.

I'm right here.

Oh. Well, then, do you mind taking a walk?

What's wrong?

I'm sorry, honey.

What's wrong?

Well, now you're asking me because I asked you to ask me.

Honey, I really, really want to know.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Do you think maybe you're upset because Kyle wants to play with Andy instead of

you?

What's with the third degree all of a sudden?

Can't a man just play tetherball by himself?

Do you want a beer?

Will beer come out here and play with the old man?

No, but it'll help me get through this afternoon.

Hey,

there's my son.

Hello, citizen.

Hello.

You come here to knock the ball around with your dad?

Uh, no.

What are you here for?

for my costume. Me and Uncle Andy are making a Barillium Boy suit.

Who is Barillium Boy?

He's Magnesium Man's trusty sidekick. He's got awesome powers.

Like what?

He can sense the temperature.

You used to play?

No, no, but the cool kids used to tie me up to the pole.

Hey, speaking of which, do you mind if I take Kyle to Saigon tomorrow?

Oh, come on, Andy. You want to take an eight -year -old boy to Vietnam?

No, no, no, no, not Saigon.

Saigon. It's the Science Fiction Enthusiast Convention.

You know, Andy, nothing personal, but I would never forgive myself if I allowed

Kyle to grow up to be you.

That's outrageous.

How could you say something like that to me? Oh, no, it's okay. I said nothing

personal.

Well, it felt personal.

Well, I don't mean you. I mean, you know, people like you.

Your kind.

I swear to God, Jim, do not do it. Do not drop the N -bomb.

N -n -n -nerd!

God, I don't believe you.

Is that still where we are in this country?

What is the problem?

Okay, the preferred no... is science fiction American.

How would you say that in Klingon?

Nagbat Karlam.

Nerd!

And I don't want my son catching it from you. You can't catch nerd, Jim.

Oh, you can say it now. Oh, yeah, because when we say it to each other,

term of endearment.

It's confusing to the rest of us, Andy. You know, guys with wives and

girlfriends.

Don't hate the nerd. Hate the game.

Hey, let me tell you something else, Jim, okay?

Kyle was born a nerd.

He'll grow up to be a nerd, and when he dies, they'll scatter his nerd ashes

throughout the meridian system.

I am a boy's father. I will decide where and when his ashes will be scattered.

Well, I'm his uncle, and he'd rather be with me than his dopey, pig -headed,

nerd -a -phobic dad.

You know what? Your dad would rather walk in front of a bus.

before one of us says something hurtful.

And now, back to Star Trek.

Our Star Trek The Next Generation marathon continues.

Up next on BBQ with Bobby Flay, Bobby grills a Kansas City bone -in rib eye.

upstairs in his bed crying and wrapped in tinfoil?

Yes.

He's a sad nerd.

You know, honey, nerds are cool now.

Those guys who invented Google are billionaires.

Yeah, but have they ever kissed a girl?

I'd kiss them. What? I mean, if I wasn't married to you.

Well, believe me, if you can find a billionaire to kiss, pucker up and send

the alimony check.

Oh, honey, I'll have all sorts of expensive nerd lawyers.

You won't see a dime.

Very funny.

What's wrong?

I'm just mad at Andy.

Turning my boy into a nerd.

Okay, Jim.

Are you sure you're mad at Andy and there's not something else going on?

Come on, Cheryl. You know me. There's always something else going on.

What is it?

I seriously think the boy doesn't like me.

Oh, Jim, that's silly.

No, he doesn't.

He doesn't like me at all. He doesn't want to do anything with me. Oh, come

He loves you. Oh, of course he loves me. I'm his father. I'm his father. But he

doesn't like me.

Okay.

Do you think maybe you and Kyle would be closer if you did some things together?

Yeah, but he doesn't want to do anything I want to do.

So, you think he should smoke cigars, drink beer, and bet on horses?

Cheryl, he's eight.

Maybe in two years.

Maybe you can do some of the things that he likes to do.

Oh, come on. All he wants to do is sit around and watch cartoons.

You love cartoons.

And nobody never lets me pick.

Yeah, sometimes he can be so childlike.

Exactly.

I'm the adult. He should be doing what I want to do.

Okay, honey.

When the girls were little, did you want to play tea party with them?

No, of course not.

But you did.

Well, that's because they're girls. They're never going to want to do what I

want to do.

I mean, they were a lost cause from the beginning.

You played Tea Party because you wanted to be close to them. Do the same with

Kyle. I will not play Tea Party with Kyle.

The only thing worse than a nerd is a nerd and a bonnet.

Jim, Kyle is dying to go to the science fiction convention.

Well, why don't you take him then?

I don't have to. He likes me.

Oh, honey, come on.

Go, you'll have fun together, and maybe next time I want to do what you want to

do.

You think so?

I do.

All right.

But you've got to drive.

Why me?

Well, it's only a nerd convention if Mommy drops you off.

This guy here.

He looks pretty cool.

That's Jeffrey.

He's for losers, Dad.

Well, isn't this all kind of for losers?

Hey, what's with the babes?

The lithium ladies?

Yeah. Their comic book is really inappropriate for my age.

Well, Mom's not here. Let's check it out.

Dad? Yeah? You're kind of embarrassing me.

What?

You have a giant blueberry with three eyes and I'm embarrassing you?

Come on.

That's Commodore Cyclops. Guess who he hates.

I don't know. His parents?

Girls?

Taking showers at school?

Wedgies?

I can go on for quite a while now.

He hates Magnesium Man.

Oh, Mag, Mag, Magnesium Man.

Hark! It is my faithful companion, Beryllium Boy.

What are you, a space suppository?

Your insults mean nothing to me because I am Magnesium Man.

You don't have to stay, Dad. I'm just hanging out with Uncle Andy.

I will meet you in the Fortress of Reflectitude.

It's next to the Lawson Fountain.

He has returned to the uncle just as the oracle predicted.

Well, then what the hell does that mean?

it was foretold millennia ago that in the age of Andy would arise a hero who

would also be Andy and he would reap vengeance upon him.

Knock it off.

Your son thinks that this science fiction American is cooler than his dad.

What do you think of that?

Have him home by five.

What? No, wait, wait. You're supposed to insult me. me here where we're

fighting, and I'm winning.

Look, I should have never said those things to you. I should have never

you a nerd, Andy.

No, Bird. Bird. He called me a bird. No, I didn't. I called him a nerd.

Andy, you have a problem with that?

Look, Andy, I was mad because, honestly, Kyle's just not into me.

Even when I do things that he wants to do.

You wear the codpiece.

Irrelevant.

I don't know.

He used to think of me as his hero.

A few years ago, he used to look at me like I was the greatest guy in the

I'll see you at home.

Jim, Jim, wait a minute.

You want to be a hero?

You've come to the right place. Come on.

Well, brilliant boy, we have vanquished all the evil in the world.

I think it's time for a churro.

Hold it right there, magnesium man.

Whoa, Dad, is that you?

No, I am Commodore Cyclops.

I thought I told you to stay out of this part of the galaxy.

You metallic moron.

I will destroy you.

codpiece. It was just for show.

Ah!

My eye!

Where my weapon at?

Ah!

What is a lasso? What is this, a western?

Ah! Yes!

Biriam Boy.

Beryllium. Beryllium Boy!

Help me! What are my special powers?

Don't tell him my colander cap collar.

You're on my side, remember?

Kyle, I am your father.

Join me, and we will stop for ice cream on the way home.

What are my powers? How can I destroy him?

You could use your gun.

Gun? I have a gun?

I have a gun!

You have to make the sound effects.

Oh, for crap's sake, what's the sound effect?

on, you got to turn it to kill.

My only regret is that

I didn't get that churro.

That was awesome, Dad. I want to go buy a Commodore Cyclops doll.

Action figure, honey. Action figure.

I can't get up.

Must be the gravity's different than on my home planet.

Yeah, yeah, right. It's the gravity.

Thank you.

Well, thank you, my friend.

Thanks for making me look good in front of the boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a hike, would you?

I'm getting the eye from that little space hottie over there.

Are you telling me girls like that go after nerds like you?

Jim. I get more tail than a tribble during mating season.

Hi, Kyle.

Hey, Dad.

Thanks for taking me today.

It was really cool.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're welcome. I had fun, too.

Me, too.

You want to play some tetherball?

No.

Okay. Fine.

Doesn't sound good whenever I do it.

Well, son, you're holding it wrong.

Can you show me how?

I would absolutely love to.

Come here, son.

Alright, put your hand like a C.

Okay, that's it.

Okay, now your other hand like a cup.

Put it behind you and close it off. See that?

Alright, now blow real hard, then fuck real hard. Ready?