Original subtitles

Andy,

what the hell? We're supposed to play snow football in 20 minutes. Why aren't

you dressed for the game?

Andy, do you want to tell Jim why you're not dressed for the game?

Well, Mandy thinks.

I think I'm a grown man with responsibilities and playing tackle

frozen field is an unnecessary risk.

Considering I'm not in the best shape.

Mandy, this is the Oak Park Snow Bowl.

It's a sacred tradition dating back over two years.

He brings up a hell of a point I'm not playing.

Fine.

Great.

No problem.

See, Andy, he didn't scream, he didn't stomp on your feet, he didn't twist your

nipples.

He's your friend and he respects your decisions.

That's right.

Okay, I have to go. I'll see you later.

See you later, Mandy. Thanks for coming by.

Don't worry about Andy. He's safe here.

So should we just get it over with?

Sure.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Now, you can't live your life by Mandy's rules.

Mandy says I can.

Well, Mandy's crazy.

I don't know if you've noticed this, Jim, but I've had a little trouble

on to women lately. Because you're doing it all wrong. Oh, yeah? Yeah, listen to

my rules, all right?

Rule number one. In order to get respect from a woman, you've got to set down

the terms and the boundaries of the relationship.

Ah, but Mandy says... Oh, Mandy says, Mandy says, Mandy says.

Come on, you're a man. You can do what you want.

Oh, unless you still need Mommy's permission.

No, no, I got Mom's permission.

She just said wear an extra sweater.

Andy, for crying out loud.

Listen, I know you think that pathetic with a girlfriend is better than just

pathetic. Yeah.

It's not.

It's not? No, because in a week's time, you're going to be pathetic and dumped.

And then after that, you're going to be pathetic and drunk and on my couch.

And that runs exactly into this.

Ow!

Come on, Andy, rise up here.

Are you saying that sexy Mandy will stay with pathetic Andy if pathetic Andy

doesn't do what sexy Mandy says?

Right. Yeah? Why?

Because women are strange.

They're mysterious creatures. Who knows why they do what they do?

Now, let's go jump the junkyard fence and tackle some middle -aged men on a

frozen field.

Yeah! Come on, now!

Oh, baby.

I think if you play tackle football on a frozen field, it's risky.

Considering he's not in the best of shape.

You know, Doc, I try to tell him that.

See, you should listen to your dad.

I can barely move my arms.

Does it hurt when you do this?

Yes.

So don't do that.

That's one from our generation, man.

Doc, is he going to be all right?

Yeah, yeah, he's going to be fine. We're going to bring in our physical

therapist to show him some exercises, and it's going to help your flexibility

if you do them, okay?

I got to see a doctor. I got a cough here.

I am so screwed.

Mandy's going to find out I played football.

How's she going to find out?

Jim, I brush her hair before we go to bed.

You brush her hair?

Well, yeah.

Oh, man, we got a lot of work to do.

Hi. You must be Andy.

Poor thing.

I'll get you up on your feet so I can get a baseline check of your

I need you to stand in front of me and stretch out your arms as far as you can.

How does that feel?

Oh, pretty good.

But I'd give anything to do a little better.

You know, my arms are a little sore. Can you do a baseline on me?

No, I'm sorry. I actually need to focus on your son.

Now palms up and move your hands laterally.

And

now

up and down.

Do you mind if I watch from over here?

fingers. Can you make a fist?

Open. Are you a cop?

Because if you are a cop, you gotta tell us.

You know, you really are stiff.

here, then Mandy won't know a thing.

All right, get up on your feet.

I can't, Jim. I can't get myself up.

All right, here, let me pick you up.

That'll hurt too much.

Here, open your mouth.

Now pull as tight as you can.

That's it.

Yeah. Ow!

You did that on purpose!

That's for laughing.

Now hold the end again. Oh, hell no. I don't trust you.

Come on, you can trust me. We're even now.

Fine, but it's under protest.

All right, all right. Now hold it as tight as you can.

There you go.

safe and secure here.

Why don't you start stretching a little bit? Okay.

There you go.

Hey.

That feels pretty good. I'm totally loosening up. Right, right.

All right. If you feel better than one, why don't you put a little weight into

it?

Nice.

Wow. There you go.

Jim, that feels really good. Well, I'm all about you.

Thank you.

until one of the kids falls through it.

And then we can blame them.

What am I going to do?

Mandy's on her way over here.

Just relax.

Rule number two.

Never be afraid to cover up a lie.

You know, Jim, your rules sound an awful lot like rules for serial killing.

That's the beauty of my rules.

It's good for every kind of relationship.

All right, listen.

Just relax.

You know, Mandy needs to see you get hurt in a different way.

Well, like how?

The banister.

Yeah, when Mandy comes over here, you tell her you got to go to the bathroom,

then fall through the banister on the way up the stairs.

Why would I go upstairs? You have a bathroom downstairs.

You're right.

Better she dump you, move to Florida, live with your mom.

You know, just because I point out a logic flaw has no reason to be mean.

Andy, you have to make a... Hey!

There's my girl!

Oh, hi.

Girl,

what did you guys end up doing instead of playing snow football?

Well, we just, uh, you know, we kind of hung around here and did some stuff

inside.

I mean, we don't even know what the weather's like outside because we've

inside.

Oh, Andy, I am so proud of you. You know, I thought for sure he'd make you

How dare you?

Andy is his own man.

Andy, go to the bathroom.

All right.

Thanks, Jim. I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

Upstairs. Right, upstairs.

Because, uh, we trapped a raccoon in there.

You don't want to pull your pants down in there.

Okay.

I'm just gonna...

Yeah, yeah, what if there's another raccoon?

Come on, Andy, you've done it a million times before.

Not on purpose.

Come on, just close your eyes, grit your teeth, and push through it.

Wow, what did you guys have for lunch?

No, no, I can't do it.

You guys are a really good friend.

No, stop it. Come on. No, no.

Did you make him use the bathroom upstairs when you got one downstairs?

Thank you.

Ow! Ow!

Stop squawking. You'll scare your boy.

Now, I think that you need a physical therapist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physical therapist. I need my baseline checked. Thanks, Doc.

Can I get a little PT, too, Doc?

I don't want to go after him.

You confuse me.

I get to almost touch boobs under doctor's orders.

Thank you, my friend, for hurting me.

Does someone need some physical therapy?

My name is Sven.

I understand you hurt yourself on the stairs.

Yes, because he was afraid to go to the bathroom.

We're going to do some stretches on the floor.

That'll fix you right up.

Boy,

you're strong.

No words.

We should have music.

Can you feel it? I'm trying not to.

Oh.

Jim, what did the doctor say? Are you going to be okay?

I might need a shower and a bottle of whiskey.

Doc says he'll be up and around in a couple days.

Meanwhile, I'm utterly uninjured because I didn't play football.

Which is why you deserve a reward.

I bought donuts.

wouldn't place no football but now this afternoon you're acting weird and moving

funny like maybe you did uh oh well

explanation, okay? In fact, I don't want to talk to you at all. All I want is

some time alone to think about things.

Well... Sorry, Andy.

I gotta

tell you, I know you're new in relationships, but rule number...

It's a bad sign when they say they have to think about things.

Oh, God.

Sexy Andy's dumping pathetic Andy.

Eventually. But she's out in the driveway right now.

Really? Mm -hmm.

She's gonna come back in here in a minute just to make sure you understand

upset she really is.

Oh.

that's great because i owe her an apology rule number four

you never ever apologize it's the most important rule well then why isn't

it the first rule all right this is how you handle it when she comes back in

here just stare at her give her your best clint eastwood face

clint eastwood

That's right, you gotta be tough.

You gotta squint your eyes.

And say nothing.

I don't know, Jim. Nothing!

Trust me.

Eventually, she'll start fighting with herself and you're off the hook.

Get out of here. No, wait a minute. If you're really tough, she'll apologize to

you. Okay, that's completely insane.

You don't know what you're talking about. I don't think you understand just

upset I am.

Go ahead, Andy.

Make my day.

He said you wanted to talk, so talk.

You know, I specifically asked you not to play snow football, but you did it

anyway, and look what happened. You got hurt.

I mean, true, true, you are a grown man, and you can make your own decisions.

care about you so much but you know what you're right you're right i should just

learn to respect you and not treat you like a child

Let's get you back to your house. You know, you probably need some physical

therapy. Oh, yeah.

I know some exercises I want to show you.

Idiot.

Door's open.

Hey, Jim, it's me.

Your new friend, Sven.

Good news.

Your insurance covers home therapy.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I don't need any therapy. Look, look, you're fine.

And so the game begins.