Original subtitles

Hello, friend. Who wants a hug?

Andy, have you been painting in an unventilated room again?

I'm in love, James.

I got the world on a string.

Why don't you wrap it around your neck?

It's my Mandy.

I'm head over heels. I've even written her a poem. Tell me what you think.

I love you, Mandy.

From your man, Andy.

You're sweet as candy on ocean or dry landy. I think you're just dandy. I

love walking with you hand in handy.

Don't you miss Jessica Tandy?

What do you think? I think it's you I can't standy.

Mandy, for two weeks you can't go buying her diamond earrings like this. It's

her birthday. I want to knock her socks off. Well, then buy her socks.

If not diamond earrings, what? I don't care. I need your help. I'll do whatever

you say.

Guide me, master.

Fine. Fine. Sit down.

You know what? I should charge you for this.

I'm going to give it to you for free.

You're the best.

No, wait a minute. Give me a dollar.

Seriously? Yeah, give me a dollar. Go to hell.

Well, who needs a girl when you got your mom?

Fine. Here. Here's your stupid dollar.

Thank you.

Here's the thing.

Most guys in a new relationship make the mistake of thinking a good gift is an

expensive gift.

That's your advice?

No, that's what you're doing wrong.

If you want advice, it's another dollar.

Go to hell.

Fine. Change your own diapers when you're 80.

Fine.

And damn you to hell.

Thank you.

Okay. Anybody can do an expensive gift.

What you should be looking for is a meaningful gift.

You mean cheap?

It can't be cheap if things line up right.

Here's the thing.

The gift women really love is the gift that says, I listen to you.

Okay, okay. I can see the beauty of that, Jim. But here's the thing.

I don't listen to Mandy.

I mean, you're with her all the time. I know, but every time I'm with her, the

only thing I hear is this voice inside my head saying, please don't leave me,

please don't leave me, please don't leave me.

Well, Andy, sounds like you need advanced lessons. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. I am desperate.

All right.

On our 10th anniversary, I gave Cheryl a teddy bear cookie jar that looked just

like the one she had when she was growing up.

Whoa, I don't remember us having a teddy bear cookie jar.

Neither did Cheryl.

Until I gave her one. Then suddenly, she remembered.

She cried and gave me a back rub.

I could use a back rub.

Or one of those hot stone massages. Oh, it's how the Indians have relaxed for

centuries. What I realized a little later was that wasn't Cheryl's story at

I was thinking about the cookie jar in the Andy Griffith show.

So you told Cheryl you made a mistake, right?

No.

See, Andy, women are so desperate to believe that their men are listening to

them that they'll buy into anything.

So just buy Mandy a gift, make up a story.

Eh, that sounds a little dishonest. Andy, it is totally... Really dishonest.

You have to understand, we're selling feelings, not the truth.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm not following. Well, it's kind of like when Mandy says you

look great without your shirt on.

Oh. Right?

You know it's not the truth, but you love hearing it.

All I hear is, please don't leave me, please don't leave me, please don't

me.

You know what?

You know what, Mandy?

I cannot wait anymore.

I want to give you your birthday present. Oh!

Hey, happy birthday.

You are going to love it. Oh, I'm so excited.

I put an extra little bit of the old ticker into this one.

Oh, a Chinese checker set.

So, what do you think?

I think it's a Chinese checker set.

Or is it a vintage Chinese checker set exactly like the one you and your

favorite babysitter used to play with?

I never played Chinese checkers in my life.

I actually find it a bit racist.

No, no, of course you did.

You told me on our third date.

Drinks at the Palmer House, you had a Tom Collins, I had a Cosmo. This gift

says, I listen.

Whew, got a hell of a kink right here.

What was the babysitter's name?

Eleanor. Eleanor what?

Rigby.

with Jackie Robinson, and she broke the Chinese checkers barrier in my house.

So it's coming back to you.

Andy, you obviously heard this story from another woman. You know, probably

whack job, Emily.

I knew you weren't over her yet. No, baby, baby, please, please. You and me,

we're for reals, huh?

No, no, I haven't been engaged to Emily for 17 days.

This is the most insensitive gift I have ever gotten.

told me this story I

made the whole thing up

you did what I wanted to give you something really really meaningful but

I couldn't think of anything so I made up I made up a stupid story that

has absolutely nothing to do with you you made the whole thing up

not believe you would sink that low.

I mean, is it really that hard to give me a gift based on who I am?

Can I just say one more thing in my defense?

Go ahead.

Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me.

I can't stay for dinner. Wait a minute. You can't barge in here without knocking

first. What if I was nude?

I knocked the last time and you were nude.

Well, I thought you were the mailman.

We got this running joke.

I don't think he gets it, though.

I'm not staying for dinner because I'm very upset with Andy.

But I did bring your three -bean salad. Oh, wow, look at that.

Nice work.

Okay, see ya.

No, no, no, wait.

What happened?

Andy gave me these Chinese checkers for my birthday. Told me I played it as a

kid, but it was just some stupid story he made up.

I mean, why would he do that?

I guess we'll never know.

See ya.

No, no, no.

I know what happened.

You do?

Yeah.

It's all your fault.

How would you know that?

Because you always get me such great anniversary gifts and Andy is trying to

compete with you.

That's how you know that.

Look, you can't give Andy a hard time because I set the bar so high. I mean,

he's trying.

Well, I guess his heart was in the right place.

Absolutely.

Don't punish him because he's not as classy as moi.

See ya.

Is Jim really a good gift giver? Oh, the best. Yeah, I wouldn't expect that. Oh,

yeah, he gets these simple, inexpensive gifts that always have a thoughtful

story behind them. He remembers every detail.

Really? Jim.

You remember stories I don't even remember telling.

Oh, honey.

I knew I never wanted wooden shoes as a kid.

Kidney garbanzo green.

Kidney garbanzo green.

Kidney garbanzo green.

This Mandy can cook.

Yeah, you know, speaking of Mandy, our conversation last night got me thinking.

You know, you always give me such meaningful, emotional gifts for our

anniversary. And this year, I wanted to do that for you.

Well, that's going to be kind of hard, Cheryl.

I don't really have any meaningful emotions.

It was tough, but I think I found the perfect gift, and it is waiting for you

the living room.

Come on.

You installed a toilet next to the couch?

Oh, this is going to be a great anniversary.

Come on, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Where the hell's my

big screen TV?

I replaced it with this super spectrum astrotron in living

color. Ta -da!

It's exactly like the one you used to watch with your uncle.

When you were a kid, you used to stay up late and watch the Blackhawks games.

I don't remember watching any hockey with any uncle.

Oh, sure you do.

You told me about it on our third date.

I wouldn't make something like that up.

You'd have to be a pretty horrible person to do something like that.

So, Jim, is there something you'd like to tell me?

Yes.

Yes, Cheryl.

I'd love this TV!

Wow! Look at that! What a great gift, honey!

Hey, will you look at that?

All three channels!

This is so great. I feel like my uncle is here with me. My uncle, what was his

name? Bite me.

Yeah, yeah.

Uncle Bite Me, who was married to my Aunt Kramit.

Stop it. All right, all right, you got me, all right? Maybe I fudge a few

details on a couple of anniversaries.

No, Jim.

You told me that my mom and I used to drink cocoa out of a mug like this after

we'd go ice skating.

Oh, Cheryl.

That is such a beautiful story.

I'm getting all choked up.

You lied!

And this stupid thing.

Sheep on wheels?

Stupid?

Do you know how hard it is to find a sheep on wheels?

I mean, you can find a pig on wheels.

Try coming up with a story on that.

And my personal favorite?

The wood plane.

A wood plane, Jim? Cheryl, Cheryl, if we didn't have that wood plane, these

wooden shoes wouldn't have fit right.

You suck.

Okay, Cheryl, to be fair here, okay? If you would have caught me with that

cookie jar, the other several eyes wouldn't have happened.

It kind of rests on your shoulders, too, babe.

You know what? You even admitted to it. When?

Well, we've been dating for about six months.

We're having drinks at the Palmer house. And you said, if you ever have to lie.

Oh, my God.

You're doing it now.

You caught me.

See, we're progressing.

We have a growing relationship.

Fine. I'm going to go grow in the kitchen.

Wait, Cheryl, stop.

Before you go.

Can you flip it over to seven?

So, tell me again how much you love those diamond earrings?

Ooh, I love my new diamond earrings.

I knew you would, baby.

Diamonds don't need a story.

Okay, you can go get those hot stones out of the oven now.

Are you sure this is how they do this?

Oh, yeah.

It's an old Indian ritual dating back a thousand years.

Of course, they didn't have the convection oven.

I know, but an hour at 450?

Just do it!

I'm fine. I'll be great.

Hey, what are you cooking in here? Burgers?

Honey, let me go get you some ointment.

I'm tapping that.

I thought you were in a dog house.

I bought her diamonds, Jim. I can do no wrong. I can listen, not listen, call

her by the wrong name.

All she hears is, look at me sparkle.

Andy, I really need you.

Can you put those cows back in the barn?

Look, you really screwed me up with Cheryl.

How is that my fault? Because your lies sucked and that screwed up my brilliant

lies. You know what, Jim? What? Andy, please put it away.

No, no, no. Why don't you buy your wife something nice instead of taking the

easy way out?

Easy?

You think it's easy coming up? and convincing lies and sticking to them for

these years?

Nothing in here is easy.

Jim, I'm all blissed out from my massage. You're kind of harsh in my rub.

Fine. I'll figure out something for myself.

Be cool, bro.

Hate teaching gym lessons.

Hello, my dear wife.

Happy anniversary.

What's this?

Irregular socks that my feet grew to different sizes when I was eight?

No.

This is a real gift from a real store, not from some guy in the corner selling

rugs or day -old meats.

Which, by the way, I got dinner covered.

Happy anniversary.

Jim.

Oh, my God. Diamond earrings?

Mm -hmm.

And the only story that goes with that is that they were very expensive.

Oh,

Jim, they're beautiful.

I love them. Thank you.

You like them, huh?

Oh, yes. You sure?

You sure you want to keep them?

Are they from a dead person?

No, Cheryl. You know I've been banned from the morgue.

Then I want to keep them.

Hold on to that thought.

Would you like to keep these diamonds that you have no emotional connection to

whatsoever, or would you rather have this mug in my hand?

What are you doing? I'm giving you a choice.

Expensive, meaningless earrings.

Inexpensive, meaningful mug.

What's so meaningful about that? You got it free when you opened a checking

account.

Yes.

But then you started using this mug every morning to drink your tea.

And I remember you telling me that you were pregnant with Kyle while drinking

out of this mug.

You're not making that up.

No, because I remember hoping that you were making that up.

So, what's it going to be?

Earrings mug, earrings mug, earrings mug.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you decide, if you take this mug, I will

throw in, for free, sheep on wheels.

Don't you remember Kyle picked this up and uttered his first words?

Doggy. Okay, okay, I get it. We built a lifetime of memories on your foundation

of lies.

No, Cheryl.

We built a lifetime of memories on my... Oh, you do get it.

Cheryl, I know I may be different than other men, but I certainly am not

No, honey, you're not boring.

In fact, you sparkle.

which is what makes these so meaningful.

It's like they're a reflection of you.

Sure, all I did was go to a mall and buy them.

But I put a lot of thought and effort into finding these gifts.

But I thought the most important thing about a gift is the time and thought you

put into it.

No, actually, that's not as important as how shiny they are.

In fact, the less you think, the sexier you get to me.

Really? Oh, yeah. If you stop thinking altogether, you just might get lucky.

Really?

Oh, honey, I love these.

What do you think?

Nothing.

Jim, Mandy can't find her earrings.