Original subtitles

Hello. Hello, welcome to the Smokin' Slap. How may I help you? Uh, table for

two, please. Actually, table for three.

Great. Let me just clear a table. Excuse me.

Table for three?

What, are we expecting somebody?

Oh, well, no, but it's our new restaurant, new crowd.

Table for two sounds a little romantic.

If you're really worried about that, Andy, why do you always sit next to me

instead of across from me?

Well, that's just cozy.

Okay, romantic's not good, but cozy's okay?

Men can be cozy, Jim, like we're in a sleeping bag.

A sleeping bag? You know what?

When the girl comes back, let's just tell her, my girlfriend's calling me,

just running a little late.

How come you get the girlfriend?

Because you're married.

Fine. Here, you be married, and I'll take the pretend girl. Oh, great, Jim.

Now everyone just saw you give me a ring. Okay, I'm not marrying him.

Hey, my girlfriend's just running late.

Oh, my God. Jim, is that you?

Yes. Victoria.

Oh, Andy, Andy, this is Victoria. We dated, like, what, 25 years ago?

23.

Remember, it was 1985.

The Bears just won the Super Bowl. When you broke up with me, you said world

champions can't be tied down.

Yeah, that sounds like me.

You look great. Thank you.

So do you.

Agreed.

About you, not him. Damn it!

What are you doing here? You work here?

Actually, I own the place. This way?

You own this place?

Mm -hmm. Oh, Victoria, that is great. This is Andy, my partner. Business

partner.

Yeah, we're cozy!

I'm just going to wait outside for my girl. All right. And her limo.

Yeah. Where we make out.

You know what? When I married his sister, he was part of the deal.

Sit down. Sit down. God, tell me what's up.

Well, I spent a little time in Memphis. I got married.

He cheated.

So I dumped him and stole his barbecue recipe.

Gee, I don't know if I should feel sad about your divorce or happy that you got

the recipe.

Well.

It's a really good recipe.

And the marriage is never going to work.

He was never as good as you.

Oh, honey, there'll be more.

Why do we have to go to California to see Aunt Dana?

Because she wants to see everybody.

And how come Dad's not going?

Well, honey, she doesn't want to see everybody.

I brought you the cards facing the baby.

Go on.

Hello. Hey, how's the barbecue place?

Here comes a third degree.

What are you talking about?

Okay, it turns out one of my old girlfriends owns the place, all right? I

it. I admitted it. Now, can we please just move on?

Okay. What'd you get?

I got nothing! I didn't even touch her!

Okay, okay, I got a goodbye hug. What am I, a monk?

I meant, what did you get to eat?

Why are you getting so defensive? I don't care that you ran into an old

Okay. All right, but just so we get this out in the open, Victoria was extremely

flirtatious, and she looked fantastic.

She didn't get fat like your friend Herbert.

Fine, Jim. My seventh grade boyfriend got fat.

You win.

Thank you.

Anyway, I'm sure you enjoyed having her flirt with you. No, are you kidding me?

Come on, it was torture. I can't even stand it when women look at me.

Would you stop it?

Seriously, that's why I got rid of those spandex bike shorts.

And you know how much I love those, Cheryl.

Jim, I got rid of those shorts. And only because the judge made me.

I'd like to see Herbert squeeze into those shorts.

All I'm saying is it's fine with me that you got a little ego boost from

Victoria.

You're kidding, right?

An attractive woman flirting with me? You're fine with that?

Honey, I'm going to need a little ego validation every now and then.

I know I do.

Hold the phone.

You?

I'm the only one that should be paying attention to you.

Are you going somewhere?

California.

What are you going to California for?

To visit Dana.

Oh, go.

Bye. Take care. Be sure to tell her I didn't say hi. Okay.

I like it when Cheryl goes out of town.

Yeah, it has its advantages.

So you told Cheryl all about Victoria?

No, she didn't even care.

I wonder if Victoria somehow knew Cheryl was going out of town.

You didn't even know Cheryl was going out of town.

That's my point.

Victoria is an evil genius.

Hold on.

Hello?

It's Victoria.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's a booty call. Hang up, hang up.

That was close.

Bye, sir.

an answer just sleep with her and get it over with hello uh

dinner tonight say no say no your treat say yes say yes

okay we'll see you at seven okay all right let's let's not

panic let's not panic jim uh it's gonna be okay hey hey hey i'll go with you

i'll be your chaperone

Good friend.

Why do I have to be born so damn sexy?

I ask myself that same question every day.

About me, not you. Damn it!

So, I'm sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley Field. I got a beer in my right

and a baby in my left.

Soriano hits the ball out of the park. It's coming right at me. I give the guy

to my right the beer. I give the guy to my left the baby. I catch the ball.

Stand up, take a bow, grab the beer on the right of me.

What happened to the baby?

I asked the same question.

Four innings later.

But I got the ball!

Jim, I really like this shirt on you.

for me, and I'm not taking it off no matter what you say.

I used to love to shop for you.

Remember those bike shorts I got you?

I don't remember those. Sure you do, Jim. You know, the ones the judge said?

don't remember.

Listen, our old stories is probably just boring the hell out of me. My wife's

brother here. I mean, he's known my wife for years and years.

Yeah, it's true.

Cheryl's my big sister, but we weren't introduced until I was four.

Apparently, my parents weren't sure if they were going to keep me.

That's a big mistake I think they made, right?

You guys are both so funny.

I think you've earned some cheesecake.

If there's one piece bigger than the other, I think I've been a little

Oh, come on.

My God, how blatant is that woman?

I know.

She is all over me.

What? Oh, yeah. I'm getting a heck of a vibe from her. Come on.

If I give you the high sign, take the hint and skedaddle.

is way out of your league. What are you talking about? She dated you. Yeah.

The major league. Oh.

Come on. I married Cheryl.

I dated Victoria.

You know, the prettiest state you've had for lunch in weeks is me.

Here you go, guys. That looks good. Thank you.

Victoria, you and me, dinner tomorrow night, what do you say?

Um, I'm sorry. My brother -in -law seems to think... I'd love to.

Oh.

hoping you'd ask me out. You were?

It sounds like a blast. We'll have dinner here.

Oh, yeah, but unlike my egotistical friend here, I'll actually pay.

Let me go get us some clean forks.

Hey,

Jim, eyes, nose, mouth, and me dating Victoria.

What's that?

Things that are in your face.

purposes of gloating.

Well, gloat away, my friend.

Victoria asked me to pick her up at her place, and you know what that means.

She gave you the address of the public library?

You wish. I've already driven by her house four times.

And if she's wearing that dress that's lying on her bed, tonight's gonna be

time tonight.

Tell me how it goes.

Wait, wait, no, wait.

Why aren't you yelling at me and smacking me on the forehead?

Because I think I'm going to let life do that for me.

See, I've been thinking about it. I figured out there's only one reason

is dating you.

Take it to me.

You are unbelievable, man.

Is that because I stole your ego booze? No, no, no, no. We went head -to -head,

my friend, and I won.

Please, please, Andy.

If I open the door even a crack for Victoria, she will jump me right there

front of the takeout counter.

Have you been drinking?

Hello.

Oh, but I figured this out way before that.

All I need to say to Victoria is four little words.

Cheryl doesn't understand me.

You're right.

This is cozy.

See? It's like we're about to order dessert in a sleeping bag.

I wasn't going to order dessert.

Well, then we're just in a sleeping bag.

Andy, you are such a great guy.

Not married.

Well... Hey, guys.

I hope I didn't interrupt anything.

It's a little late for that.

What the hell are you doing here? Oh, I just came by for some takeout. You know,

with the wife gone.

Again.

Jim, we were just not talking about you. Oh.

I'm sure you have more important things to talk about.

take out of here, get my dinner for one.

Oh, gosh, I forgot my wallet.

Shocker.

Don't worry, it's on the house.

Oh, how sweet of you.

That's really nice. You know, Cheryl always gets upset at me when I lose my

wallet.

Actually, she's been getting upset with me a lot lately.

I don't know.

I try to make her happy and I just can't.

Oh, my gosh. Is that true?

Of course it's not true.

Please, you do not know what's going on behind closed doors.

I mean, I've tried everything, but Cheryl doesn't understand me.

through the perfect first date.

Oh, so the pressure's on.

Don't worry.

I close strong.

I forgot how much I love when you play your harmonica.

Just go see if I can get him to play a little louder.

What the hell you think you're doing?

I'm in your face. Oh, are you? Yeah.

Okay. I see what you want to play, old man.

Why don't you take that C -harp and blow?

All right, Andy. I will.

Knock it off.

What are you doing? Why are you ruining my date with Andy and tainting my

coleslaw bar?

Didn't you hear me before?

Cheryl doesn't understand me.

Who can blame her? You're a nutcase.

He's with her now, but he'll come back to you eventually.

No, we're home.

What the hell?

Is there a homeless man on our table?

Honey, why don't you go help your brother and sister get the babies out of

car?

I tried to make some vodka out of the potato chips.

And then I tried to make sake out of the instant rice.

And it didn't seem to work so good.

Okay, I got two questions.

Number one, why are you drinking so much? And number two, why didn't you

to the liquor store?

You know, my Uncle Lou had a miracle cure for hangovers.

And the first ingredient wasn't your annoying questions.

Okay.

Let me see if I can piece together what happened while I was gone.

I wish you would because there's long stretches missing.

Okay, we got a lot of beer bottles.

Uh -huh.

Pizza.

A photo album with pictures of you and Victoria.

And a picture of Andy that you drew on. and wrote the word jerk?

Well, it's supposed to be jerk, but I tried to sober up a little and I got the

shakes.

Okay.

So, you ran into Victoria and got a kick out of her boosting your ego, which was

great, until she fell for Andy.

And that made you crazy, so you gave her your A -game, maybe even broke out the

harmonica.

and she shot you down.

I was this close, Cheryl.

I was this close.

Oh, honey, better luck next time.

Cheryl, where's this attitude from? You proved this. You said enjoy your ego

boost. If an ego boost should present itself to you, then yes, it's okay to

enjoy it.

Oh, thanks.

So what's the problem?

But if you go in search of an ego boost, then try to steal your best friend's

date when your wife is out of town, that could be construed as inappropriate.

I get it. Good.

I do get it. I'm glad. I get how you caused the problem.

What? You can't leave me alone.

always out with your mother or going to see dana in california or taking a baby

to the park you know i need more attention okay

let me get this straight i just spent four hours on a plane with five children

begged you to come you wouldn't you hit on an ex -girlfriend and tried to drink

homemade sake and yet this is my fault oh sure

You do understand me.

All right, Andy. You know I'm not one to apologize.

Yes, sir. Thank you. But I need to say this.

I may have crossed the line between you and Victoria.

Oh, thanks, but you don't need to apologize.

She dump you?

I dumped her.

Why?

Well, last night we were making scissors and...

Something happened.

She called out my name?

Repeatedly. Over and over. Well, after we had stopped.

I was sitting right in front of her. There's no way she could have missed me.

Yes, yes, yes. I knew it. I knew it.

Whiskers, nose hairs, teeth, and my undeniable sexiness. Oh, don't be a

Things in your face.