Original subtitles

Cheryl, wake up.

Time to punch in.

Quinn's crying.

Man's sleepy.

Woman up.

Anybody with a C -section incision, raise your hand.

Yeah, nice try.

Get your time card.

I knew I should have stood my ground on having these two naturally.

But no, someone wanted to take the easy way out.

Oh, baby.

Wow.

You're a good sleeper, aren't you, Jonathan?

How are you, Gordon?

It doesn't matter anyway.

Hey, listen.

When you're awake, I have a question for you.

Your mother's chest.

How's it looking these days?

You know what?

I didn't want to say this in front of your mother.

I'm so glad the two of you are boys.

I've been outnumbered by girls in this family three to one.

The two of you completed an improbable comeback.

You mean like when the Marlins came back to beat the Cubs in 2003?

What the hell?

Exactly.

Who are you?

I'll give you a hint.

Oh, God.

Guess again.

Please, allow me to introduce myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a man of wealth and taste.

Just tell me why the hell the devil is in my living room?

We made a deal.

June 24th, 1989.

Yeah, let me consult my diary so I know what the hell you're talking about.

That was the day a young mullet -headed lad, dating a woman he thought was way

out of his league, said he'd give the devil his fifth -born child if that

would only love him.

They're identical twins.

I can't even tell the difference.

Ha!

Oh, so that's Gordon.

Don't worry.

He'll be well taken care of. Raised by a kindly family on a bucolic farm in

Wisconsin.

And he will grow up to be the greatest Green Bay Packer to ever live.

a word of this to your mother.

Oh, Andy. Oh, thank God you're here.

Wow, you look tense.

Is that because you're a new father? No.

No, because Satan came and took my fifth born.

Ouch.

How can I help?

Wait a minute, I just told you that Satan took my boy and he even bailed an

Jim, we've all had our run -ins with the Prince of Darkness.

He's a pretty reasonable guy you should renegotiate.

What are you talking about?

Well, between you and me, I made my first deal with the devil when I was

Since then, I resold my soul over a dozen times.

For what?

You live alone, you're miserable.

Yeah, but get me.

Huh? I've never lost a game of Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot.

When I throw up, it tastes like lemonade.

And I got to have coffee with Snoop Dogg.

Gam, I'm done feeding Jonathan. Would you bring up Gordon?

I don't have time to renegotiate. Right, right.

Cheryl's going to hit the roof when she finds out Gordon's gone.

Lucky for me, they're identical twins.

There's my lovely wife and one of my absolutely identical twins.

I thought you were going to bring me Gordon.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd wait until you were done beating Jonathan and then

save myself the trip, you know.

Across the hall?

Sure, when you're as exhausted as I am, you know, it's like crossing the Mojave.

You know what, Jim? Even if I was fully rested, awake, and alert, I would not

have the patience for this conversation.

Now, would you please just bring me Gordon? Yes. Oh, this is so good.

I will. You're so brave and good.

I will bring Gordon. Thank you.

Jonathan's absolutely identical twin. Right.

Okay, come on, quick change, quick change.

You know, Cheryl, I was noticing that these boys are identical in every way. I

mean, every single detail.

Yes, Jim. I'm aware of how twins work.

Well, for your information, I was watching some cable TV last night, and

Discovery Channel says that you should try to keep twins apart as much as

possible. It helps develop their personalities and their super twin

That's weird.

Gordon doesn't seem hungry.

Well, you know why?

The Discovery Channel also said that once one twin is full, the other one

eat. They call that phantom milk.

Jim, are you up to something?

Because it really sounds like you're trying to convince me that one of these

kids is both of these kids.

Come on, Cheryl.

We both know that if I lost one of the babies, I would dress Andy up in a giant

diaper and a giant rattle and try to convince you that you were shrinking.

Yeah, that does sound like you. Yeah.

I guess I'm just overreacting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gordon's just not hungry. That's right. He's not hungry at all. There you go, my

love. Okay. Oh, Daddy. Well, you just rest here, and I will take Gordon,

Jonathan's identical twin, downstairs.

Hey, have you noticed that Cheryl's getting smaller?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me losing my son to the devil?

I'm just happy to hear Cheryl didn't marry you on her own accord.

I knew that was an unholy alliance.

Ada, come on, are you going to make jokes here or are you going to help me

my son?

Well, you already made one deal with the devil. I bet he'll make another one.

How do you know that?

Well, six months ago when I was trying to lose my baby weight, I may have

my immortal soul for those last five pounds.

Weight loss?

Why didn't I think of that? I'm so stupid. Oh, yeah.

And it was so worth it. I mean, look at this. Apple Mama's packing.

Glad you enjoy my work.

Hey. Hey, come on. I want my son back. Is he okay?

What is that he's wearing?

Okay, come on.

Give me my son back. I'll trade you anything. Anything you want.

I'll train you my sister in a while. Hi.

Ernie Banks' rookie card.

A child to be named later.

Okay.

You've got a deal.

Yes!

Oh, better.

Yeah, listen about that Ernie Banks' rookie card. I got it around here

somewhere.

Can I send it to you?

You got an address?

Not interested.

You have your baby back.

Now I'm taking back what I gave you.

Cheryl's love.

Cheryl!

Oh, Cheryl, good you're still here. You know, I was so worried that you were

going to... Get out!

What? I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream and realized I married a

jackass.

You disgust me.

Cheryl, be more specific.

I got 15 years of specific, okay? You changed our daughter's kindergarten. You

didn't tell me.

You put my dead cat in the freezer so you could go to a ball game.

You took a semen sample from my brother so you could trick me.

You made up an imaginary friend so that you wouldn't have to spend time with me.

Oh, oh, oh!

And you sold our house without telling me.

Come on, will you forgive me for all those things?

I know.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Maybe that you love me?

love you cheryl honestly i can't figure out what i ever saw on you excuse me jim

don't mind me oh andy i'm glad you're here will you remind cheryl that she

me and she's not thinking clearly you're not thinking clearly thank you andy for

the last 15 years what are you talking about i am packing up your crap and

escorting you off the property is this his pillow yeah

something to remember me by.

Cheryl, come on. What is going on? Yes, Roger, it's true.

She's back on the market. Oh, hold, please.

Hello? Oh, hi, Jeffrey. Yes, she's back on the market.

Hold, please. Who are you talking to?

Oh, words out, Jim. Cheryl's dating again.

Oh, Cheryl, don't do that.

You can't do that. What about the kids?

I'm the father. They're going to need me.

This is awkward.

What are you guys doing in ski clothes?

Judd sent them over.

Our new daddy's taking us to Aspen.

You don't have a new daddy. Oh, thank you, Cheryl.

We're shopping for a new daddy.

Hey, Jim, I'm keeping this.

Okay. All right.

Listen, first of all, I've done some bad things.

But isn't that what family's about?

Disappointing each other?

Then getting over it?

Come on, you're not going to throw your dear old dad out on the street, are you?

Are you?

All right, I guess you are.

Moms whisking you off to Aspen on their private jets?

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe Cheryl doesn't love me.

Well, for the price of one baby, you can have all of Cheryl's love back.

No. No more deals.

No.

I know how.

You know how I'm going to get Cheryl's love back?

Cheating at a church bingo game? No, wait, you've already done that. Now, I'm

going to get her back with the power of love.

Ah, the power of love.

Well, I'm clearing my schedule.

I was going to go to Brazil to crush the hopes of an orphan.

But this, this, this sounds like much more...

Fun!

the house doesn't wish to see you hit the road creek andy this is my house and

this is the problem solver

aren't

you glad i saved your diary

family without a fight.

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

I really love you.

And I know if you look deep down inside, you love me too. Okay, no, no.

All right, Cheryl, I know I've done some bad things, but I've done some good

things too.

Really? Huh.

Let me see.

You don't know.

I don't see him in here.

All I see are things like...

The time you gave me your ex -girlfriend's engagement ring.

Okay, that's a great example.

Because afterwards, I took you on a horse and carriage ride through the

neighborhood.

And then we knocked one out in the park and everything was fine.

All right.

Oh, what about the time you got me passed out drunk on date night so you

Andy could watch boxing?

Another good one.

Because that night, I prepared romantic dinner for us in the treehouse.

We knocked one out in the backyard and everything was just fine.

Well, everything is not fine now, Jim.

Cheryl, are you sure?

Maybe we should knock one out just to see.

Oh.

Come on, there's got to be something good in this book somewhere.

Here.

Here, here, here.

When we were first dating. What about that?

Another great night with Jim.

I bet I can get him to lose the mullet.

I lost a mullet for you.

Oh.

I honestly think I'm in love with this man.

So now I know the exact date I lost my mind.

June 21st, 1989.

You didn't lose your mind until you were in love.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What was that date?

June 21st, 1989.

That was... Three days before I made the deal with the devil to get you.

What? What are you babbling about? Hold on one second. Just a second. Devil!

Devil!

Devil, Cheryl, Cheryl, Devil.

Oh, my God.

I can help you with that baby weight if you'd like.

She was in love with me three days before we made that deal.

You ripped me off!

Of course I did.

I'm the devil.

Why would you do that?

I just like babies.

But whatever.

I won't hold you to the deal.

Well, you're damn right you're not going to hold me to that deal. Now you tell

her, you tell her that she loves me.

I just don't.

Why do these beautiful women fall for these hockey lunkheads?

Come on!

Cheryl.

Now I want you to look deep in your heart.

You still love me.

there's that smile I'm back that's right baby why don't you lock the door

let's knock one out

Or are you Jonathan?

It doesn't matter.

You're both here.

Okay. You keep your brother company here.

All right.

Cheryl!

Cheryl!

Oh, Cheryl.

Oh, thank God you're still here.

God, Cheryl.

I had the worst dream.

Oh, honey, what's the matter? I made a deal with the devil that cost us our

fifth child.

Oh, honey.

You don't have anything to worry about anyway.

What do you mean?

Well, honey, technically you only have four children.

Gracie's not yours.

still here.

Where are the babies?

Outstairs sleeping.

Oh, Cheryl.

You know, I don't say this enough, Cheryl, but I'm really, really

lucky and grateful to have you in my life. Oh, I'm so sweet.

I am.

I mean it.

I mean, I don't know what I'd do if you and this big family...

We're here.

Yeah.

And I'd do anything in the world to protect you.

And protect this precious life that God has given us. Yeah. We're both pretty

lucky.

Cheryl,

time to punch in a beat.