Original subtitles

Well, top of the morning to you, sir.

What the hell?

Why are you wearing that?

What, can't a man class up his breakfast a little bit?

A man can, but not you.

Truth is, I've gotten a little behind on the laundry and dry cleaning.

This monkey suit's the only clean clothes I can find in the house.

Dad, I don't think they're going to let me wear this to school.

Ah, Tom, it's a religious thing.

I'll write you a note. What's up?

Uh, better make it two notes.

All I did was walk down the stairs, and I'm sweating.

All right, here.

Try this.

Yeah.

There you go. That'll cool you down.

Thanks,

Dad. You're welcome.

See that?

Everything is fine.

Morning.

The sad thing is, I did his laundry.

Frankly, Dad, I don't give a darn.

Oh, baby.

All right, I'll be right back, sweetie.

So, so, so, what do you think of her, huh? She's cute, right?

Yeah, she's cute.

Oh, damn it, she's too good for me.

Come on, all women are too good for you.

Katie, just relax, all right? She's a nice girl. You're going to make a very

nice couple. Okay, okay, okay.

Another hour or so, and I can get her out the door without you doing any

What?

Damage? Come on, man.

What are you talking about?

I tucked in my shirt, zipped up my fly, and this is the first beer I've had all

day.

Since lunch.

Don't judge me.

Oh, man.

I just wish Cheryl weren't upstairs on bed rest so she could be down here to

keep an eye on you. Don't worry about it. She took care of everything.

She knows I'm not so good with the niceties, so she made me a

cheat sheet.

Check it out, huh?

Don't tell them you have a cheat sheet.

I would like to take this moment to compliment something you're wearing.

What you got there, hoes?

They're tight.

And they're fantastic!

He's not normally like this.

Well, he is, but it's easier when Cheryl's around.

Where do you stand on religion and politics are totally off limits?

Jim, are you reading questions off of a cheat sheet?

No.

It's okay. We can just talk.

You're being ridiculous.

Spit that out.

Shut it up!

Cheryl thought that having that would help during awkward moments.

That's it. I'm going upstairs and I'm carrying her back down. No, it's fine.

Jim, I really appreciate the effort. And when I meet Cheryl, I'll tell her that

this went much better than it actually did.

Oh, that is great. That is so great. Now I can just relax and be myself.

Here, let me ask you something.

Now, you're a single mother, right? Yeah. Is it as awful as they say?

I think I can try this off pretty easy. Yeah, give it to me. I want that. Come

on, I want it.

Hey, Mom, Mom, guess what?

Ruby and Gracie listen to the Glitter Pop, too. They want to go to the concert

tomorrow. That would be so tight.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey, girls, I can't take you tomorrow. Andy and I are going

an awards banquet.

Yeah, Emily's being honored by the County Orthodontist Association.

It's the Oscars of teeth.

Isn't that great, Jim?

Yes.

Congratulations on your honor slash award.

Thank you.

That's very kind slash thoughtful.

Hey, listen, you know what?

Why don't I take the girls?

I mean, I'm going anyway. What's two more hysterical girls in the minivan?

Wow, you would really do that? Sure. That's me talking, not the cheat sheet.

I don't think Emily really wants you to do that. That really sounds like fun.

Yeah, good. All right.

You know what? I'll see if I can get tickets. Okay.

Mom, can we go listen to the CD? Oh, sure.

Yeah, wow.

Wow. Wow. Great.

Jim, we haven't had dinner yet.

Make dinner.

Oh, I think this part is for you. Oh.

So all the pots and pans are in there.

Oh, hey, Kyle, you know what? I didn't even think to ask if you wanted to go to

that Glitter Pops concert tonight.

Ride in a car full of screaming girls to see a concert full of screaming girls?

Ha.

Oh, hey, Jim, I, uh... Kyle, you know what I saw?

There's a cupcake tree out in the backyard.

I'm not a moron.

Cupcakes grow on bushes.

But just to be...

What's up?

It's about the concert.

I'm not comfortable with Emily's girls going tonight.

Why? If there's a problem, I'll be there looking after them.

Yeah.

That's part of the problem.

What part?

The part that's you.

What? Great talk. See you at work.

Andy!

I just think it's a bad idea for you to take Emily's girl to the concert.

Bad idea? Come on, I'm a good parent.

I took care of my two kids while Cheryl's been on bed rest this whole

have three kids.

That's even harder, Jim.

people there. It's a public place. We both know how you are.

How I am?

How I am?

How I am?

No, Andy, I don't know how I am.

How am I?

You took your kids to a Bears game and punched a Packers fan.

And punching a Packers fan is a criminal offense. Have me arrested.

You were arrested.

Come on, that was stadium jail.

I missed the fourth quarter. I paid my debt to society.

You lost them for six hours at the dog track.

And Ruby hit the trifecta.

And we're still in touch with that family that found her and bought her

That's what I'm talking about. What are you talking about? Right there, man. I

can't have Emily's kids come home talking about how they got in a high

chase on the expressway because you thought you saw Coach Ditka.

That is not my fault.

That woman had a very thick mustache.

Have I proved my point?

Come on, man.

You know what, Andy? I've proved your point.

You being my best friend, I'm going to do the right thing.

Oh, thank you.

Ruby! Hey.

I appreciate this.

What's up?

Listen, when you get Rebecca and Lauren on the phone, tell them we're going to

the concert. We're picking up at 7.

Sweet!

What are you doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm saving your relationship.

If you're afraid of your woman, it's never going to last. Oh, God!

Oh, God!

You know what? I take care of other people's kids better than I take care of

own.

I can't sue me.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Andy, relax.

It's three little girls. What can happen?

Four! Four, four, four, four.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Are we all still here?

Right? All right, count off, count off.

Dad, we're all here, and we're late because you wouldn't pay for parking.

What, are you kidding me? Ten bucks for three hours?

When there was a perfectly good vacant lot 12 blocks away?

There were rats there.

There were squirrels there.

Okay. Now, let's go over Jim's master plan one more time.

Go. We're wearing orange T -shirts so you can pick us out of the crowd.

Good. Go. We each have glow sticks so you can see us in the dark. Good. Go. We

need you, we wave them in the air.

Good. Go.

There isn't any more.

Very good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Come back here. Come back here.

One more thing.

All right, you see that concession stand over there where the irresponsible

fathers are drinking beer?

Well, we should get separated. We should meet.

Meet.

Hey!

My God, I haven't seen this much orange since I did my community service.

So I can see you.

I can see you.

And now I can't see you.

I told you that with too much ham.

No, no, I'm fine. I'm just nervous.

What if you don't win? What if your speech is bad? What if the kids aren't

with Jim?

What?

They're totally safe. Yeah.

Relax. Worry about your crappy speech.

Oh, don't try to be funny. It's not your thing.

Can I get some more ham?

Now, please welcome to the stage tonight's guest of honor, Dr. Emily

I'm going through a tunnel.

You're at a concert.

Tell me what happened.

Did you lose them?

I did not lose them.

I just don't remember what they look like.

I mean, it's nothing but a sea of hair and braces.

Oh my God, oh my God.

Relax. Don't worry.

They're here. I know they're here.

I mean, I guess it could be...

you staring at the shows on stage.

Um,

if she asks where I went, uh, will you just tell her that I had an emergency

that had nothing to do with her kid.

Look, you want to say I told you so? Or do you want to say to Emily, I found

your kids, they're safe and sound?

I want to do both. And I want some post -awards ceremony. Love it.

Hey, this band's pretty good.

Come on, come on.

This one here, here. No.

This one here.

Well,

this is never going to work. Jim, we gotta be someplace where we can see

everybody.

Please welcome special guests.

Stop it.

It's just embarrassing me.

That means he wants us to tell him more. Thank you.

That was awesome. I can't believe he met the band.

Hey, and not only that, we got banned from the arena.

How many little girls can brag about that?

You're the greatest.

You're the worst.

Did you really think you could ditch me on the way home?

I wasn't trying to ditch you.

We were chasing Coach Ditka.

Girls, why don't you go in the kitchen and get some ice cream?

Thanks again, Dad. Oh, you're welcome. You were really fun. And you're a good

dancer.

Yeah, I just came back by to make sure you didn't lose him again on the way

home. Now I've got to get back to Emily's dinner.

Well, isn't that dinner over by now? Of course it's over!

Help me come up with a good line!

Andy, honestly, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but why don't you

tell her the truth?

Are you kidding me? She'll think I'm an idiot for being friends with you. You

are an idiot for being friends with me!

speech and you just walked out uh well um the night my father died he was

supposed to receive an award and so i did you stay out of this all right all

right all right it's none of my business oh by the way emily i uh lost her kids

briefly at the concert then andy freaked out and then we found him oh that

happened to me once the concerts are just a sea of hair and braces

Wait a second. You're not mad?

Why would I be mad?

Well... You see, Annie, Emily accepts you warts and all.

And I'm wart number one.

But she can get used to that.

And eventually, maybe even enjoy it.

Thanks, Jim.

I can take it from here.

Right. This has nothing to do with me.

You know, this is about Andy and I, and there's something I really need to say

to you, Andy.

agree with everything Jim just said.

Really? Because everything he said for me is exactly what I think.

So, should we hug or kiss or something?

Well, Jim, what do you think?

Well, I think it might make Andy a little uncomfortable, but okay, I'm

it.

Jim, I think I got this one.

Andy?

Jim?

Oh!

So we're done here?

Well, we haven't had dinner yet.