Original subtitles

How the hell do I iron these?

How about that? My two favorite things.

Jim, what the crap?

You got a hockey game to go to? You haven't done your makeup?

I don't wear makeup. I wear war paint.

Because I'm a man.

Let's go.

Can't go. Got an iron barrage and go to the gynecologist.

Why are you going to the lady doctor?

I got to take Cheryl.

Suddenly, we are pregnant.

Oh, man. But you sprung for tickets.

You know what? Here.

You take him. Call a buddy.

Sure.

I'll call, uh... Yeah.

Why don't you just take both seats and spread out?

You don't even put your popcorn in it. You know what? That's a lot better.

Thanks.

Hey, what T -shirt?

Oh, baby.

Smell it! Smell it!

You bought the pic yesterday.

We're not watching this stupid Food Network because you have a crush on

Flay. I like his cooking. You like his butts.

What was that for?

Crowd control.

I am sick of you guys bickering over everything. I don't care if she stole

socks or you've been in the bathroom too long or Kyle's making everybody guess

what his finger smells like.

You'll never figure it out.

stay away from the neighbor's cat.

But mom always fixes it when we fight.

You know what? I'm not your mom.

I don't listen.

I don't hug.

I don't love you all equally.

Look, it was up to me. You guys can beat each other up till somebody wins.

But mommy's invented using your words.

And what does daddy call words?

The devil toolbox.

Good, Gracie.

Where were you two on that? Huh? Huh? Where were you?

Now, what we need here, we can't fight, so we got to talk.

So we're going to create a children's tribunal.

Are you going to sell us?

Believe me, there's no market for it.

All right.

Tribunal comes from Latin.

Tri means three.

And butyl means leave your father alone.

So whenever you have a disagreement, you're going to talk about it, and then

you're going to vote on a solution.

But what if we don't agree?

Well, majority rules.

One of you is going to be outvoted by the other two butyls.

How's that sound?

Like the only boys going to get hosed.

Well, but you can hose someone else a little later on.

And eventually all the hosing evens out.

And that's the way America works.

Now, get me a beer.

Get me a beer. Get me a beer.

Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it.

Okay, Cheryl.

Anything you need, just call. I'm here to tackle any emergency because we're

having a baby.

We.

We called it. Did not.

Popsicle. Tribunal.

Oh, hey, yeah.

We'll set it up in our room. There you go.

Popsicle.

I am being such a great parent that there's nobody here to see it.

And now it's time for our Blackhawks fan giveaway.

Our winner is sitting in section 207.

Row 15, seat 4.

That's my seat!

That's my seat!

Congratulations, you've won milkshakes for a month, courtesy of Dee Dee's

Dairyland. Milkshakes for a month! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I won!

I won!

No, no, no, no, no, Andy. No, I won!

Milkshakes for Andy!

Milkshakes for Andy!

No milkshakes for Andy, milkshakes for Jim!

Jim! Jim!

Me!

Mine!

Can't believe it.

Unbelievable! First he takes my seat, and now he steals my milkshakes.

It's like, it's like, it's like me if the situation were reversed.

Hey everybody, guess what?

I met a girl tonight. Her name is Lady Luck.

And she's delicious.

Very funny, Andy.

Now hand me my milkshake.

Your milkshake?

Yeah. You were in my seat when you won. That milkshake is for me. Oh, that's

weird because here it is in my hand, down my throat, and in me belly.

Soon to be followed by 75 of its countrymen.

Not those sheets. That coupon book is mine.

Jim, you had to be there to win.

You wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me. You gave me the tickets.

on, you were being pitiful.

Oh, I won.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's that about?

What the H?

Daddy said the only way to settle something two people can't agree on is

vote. I vote for Andy. I vote for Jim. I vote for Popsicle.

of us will come up with a solution.

No way!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I think my darling, talented daughter here has a very good idea.

Yeah, of course you do. You spawn these rats.

No, no, no, no. They're just going to vote for you.

No, the tribunal is totally fair.

All we seek is American justice.

Unless you don't believe in America.

How dare you?

I'm as American as apple pie.

Ooh, a milkshake flavor I will have on Thursday.

Give me my milkshake! Give it to me! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

All right, tribunal, tribunal.

Kyle, would you mind taking the coupons from Uncle Andy?

Oh, I think I can hang on to the coupons.

We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Please, what are you going to hit from down there?

In closing, Your Honors, I went to that game. I sat in that seat. So clearly, I

deserve the milkshakes legally.

Objection.

On what grounds?

I don't want you to win.

Overruled. Hearsay.

Fifth Amendment.

Hideous porpoise.

Please continue.

Thank you.

But do I deserve said milkshakes in the legal sense?

Well, what else do I have in my empty, empty life?

A wife? No. Three beautiful cherubs, nay.

All I have are those coupons and the quickly fading memory of my father.

Who used to take me out for milkshakes when I was sad.

Sure could use one with whipped cream on top.

You're a jungle.

And a mighty lion has just killed a gazelle.

And it wants to drink its blood.

And he deserves it.

But then the hyena comes and steals the gazelle.

What's a gazelle?

It's like a deer.

Like Bambi.

The lion drinks Bambi's blood?

New story, new story, new story.

I didn't want to tell you this, but Daddy got a call from the doctor.

And the news is not good.

What is it? Are you sick? Well, they don't know for sure.

But they do know one thing.

That Daddy's going to die very, very soon.

But scientists say...

that milkshakes can cure anything.

Objection!

On what ground? That it's not true!

Are you a scientist?

Maybe your Uncle Andy is right.

Or maybe he's not.

But are you willing to take that chance?

Thank you.

And maybe goodbye.

Oh, Andy, you don't look so good.

You a little nervous?

I'm not nervous. I know that I'm right.

You want to cut a deal? Oh, God, yes.

Please, please, give me anything.

I'll take straw squeezings. Let me lick the lid, huh?

Hey, hey, drink it, and I'll smell your breath. Anything.

Andy, Andy.

All right!

Hey!

The tribunal has reached its decision.

Get up,

get up, get up.

For Pete's sakes.

We believe... the case of Andy versus Daddy is ultimately determined by the

of finders keepers, losers weepers.

We therefore rule in favor of Uncle Andy. What?

You hear that, Pop?

Your little Andy finally won one.

What? What the hell kind of tribunal are you monkeys running here?

It's a tribunal of spooking.

This is outrageous.

Oh, sorry, Jim, but I'm very sorry. It's been reached.

Certainly no one would challenge the wisdom of these delightful youngsters.

I demand an appeal.

A what?

An appeal.

A do -over. You see, that's how growing up law works. You get one more chance to

change people's minds.

Really? Yeah.

You know, remember the time Daddy punched out that llama at the petting

And we all thought that Daddy was going to go for a 30 -day sleepover?

But he got a chance to change their minds, and all he had to do was pick up

garbage along the highway.

Fine. We'll allow your appeal thingy tomorrow.

Yes! No!

I appeal his appeal.

Is that allowed?

Well, it would be, but we're going out for pizza and bowling.

Hang on a second.

That's not fair.

I already won.

Can we stop by the tango on the way back?

You can, but by law, Daddy's got to hang back 100 feet.

Here you go.

Orange juice, scrambled eggs, pancakes.

Just how you like them.

There's $20 between my pancakes.

Mine, too.

Really? I didn't get one.

I thought that was bacon.

Are you trying to bribe us?

Bribe?

Listen,

I know when it comes to this case, you're going to listen to your hearts.

And these new Hannah Montana CDs.

Yeah, that's good, isn't it? Huh.

Interesting. It's not December, but it looks like Fanta paid a visit.

Ho, ho, ho.

Whatever do you mean?

Bribing your children?

Deplorable.

Oh, the psychological damage this must have caused you, angels.

Maybe, just maybe, the pain will be eased by the new bikes I got you. New

So it's on.

Oh, it's on.

offering camel rides now, you are lower than low.

Thanks for the new cell phone, Uncle Andy.

Oh, and Daddy, thanks for extending my curfew.

Come on.

What kind of trouble can a 12 -year -old girl get into at 4 a .m.? Listen, get

your rest, though, because it's a big day tomorrow.

Why? Well, my good friends Zach and Cody are coming by. Are you serious?

No, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't know them.

You don't.

other friends.

Really? Yes.

You're friends with the Sprouse twins from TV.

Absolutely. Can I meet them then?

I think he's hungry. Nah, I just fed him.

What does a thing like that eat anyway?

Puppies.

chocolate fountain.

I wouldn't go into the garage if I were you.

All right!

Have you reached your decision?

Yeah. We've decided tribunals are stupid.

No, no, tribunals are great. They work.

No, all we do is argue.

I've become disenchanted by the whole process.

Uh, excuse us. Andy, sidecar?

What are we going to do here? I don't know. I feel terrible. I know. We just

taught them a system on how to solve their own problems. I know. I know.

you had to ruin it with your bribes. Me?

All right. All right. Maybe I played a small part in it.

There's got to be some way to make this right. I know. We've got to teach them

that justice works.

Clearly, there's only one solution.

Agreed. We should share the milkshakes. What?

That's a fair compromise.

What kind of compromise is that? I'm not going to get what I want. What do you

want?

Oh, respect.

Is that kind of what we're doing now?

Whoever drinks the milkshake the fastest wins the milkshake for a month. The

prize will go to whoever wanted the most.

One condition.

The loser cleans the garage.

I think this is the appropriate time to tell you that I was milkshake drinking

champion at Camp Mervyn Schwaba three years running.

Yeah, I've seen pictures of you at that camp. You didn't do anything running.

never say the word milkshake around me ever again milkshake

out as it does coming in.

At least you made it to the bathroom.

Oh, man, Jim. We went through all this, and neither of us got the milkshakes.

Well, at least the kids learned how grown -ups do things.

Why do we do this to each other, Jim? Why do we get so competitive?

I don't know, Annie. I just think we're not good people.

Yes, yes. I wear it all the time. I love it. My favorite. Thanks.

Oh, this is my brother -in -law, Andy.

Sup, dudes?

Is this the guy, Jim? Is this the guy that stole all your milkshakes? Yeah.

Uncool, bro.

You're right, Jim.

This guy is lame -o flame -o. Yeah.

You know what? We worked out that milkshake thing. It's all settled. So

for covering my back.

Oh, no problem.

So do we still get the camel ride?

You know what?

If you clean up after them, you can ride them all night.