Original subtitles

Yes. Now this is a sandwich, my friend.

Mom doesn't want ham and cheese anymore.

Now she wants salami.

Salami it is?

You know, Annie, when your wife's about to have twins, it's like you're a short

-order cook 24 -7.

Forget the salami. Now she wants turkey.

Turkey it is?

You know, Annie, you can help me here a little bit. Oh, yeah, sure.

That turkey is poison -free. Carry on.

Now Mom wants bologna, or she says she's gonna go ape crap.

Bologna it is.

Grego wants bologna.

Grego gets bologna.

Uh -oh.

Text message from Cheryl.

No sandwich, just apple. Approaching ape crap.

Fine.

You know what? This may look like a pain.

But in the end, it'll all be worth it. Because I'll have two screaming kids

puking on me at four in the morning.

Yes. Good job, troops.

Lunchtime.

You know, we could have made our own sandwiches.

It's better when we trick them. Shut it.

Oh, baby.

Hey.

How's your mother?

Really hungry?

She almost bit me.

Good, good, good, good. That's good.

And then she set her hair on fire.

Ah, that's great, honey. That's great.

You're not listening to me.

Yeah, no, you can have friends over, just no boys.

How many days are there in April?

Thirty.

Isn't this a leap year?

Doesn't matter.

All right, then it's official. Your Uncle Andy is a complete fat -headed

You need a calendar to keep track of that.

Do you remember Uncle Andy's birthday last year?

Yeah, I'm almost in Florida.

You made me bake a cake.

Yes, the cake.

The first disappointment of that evening.

Yay!

Happy birthday!

Now, who wants a piece of this train wreck?

I'm only 12.

Make your own cake.

Well, Andy, happy birthday to you.

Holy crap.

A gift certificate to Sir Stephen B.

Steakhouse? Yeah, yeah. It's worth 200 bucks. So you just have to pick a friend

who likes steak and go wild.

Oh. Hmm.

Let's see.

You're a friend and you like steak.

Do I?

I remember I do.

Oh, man. The best gift ever from the best friend ever.

When can we go?

Oh, we can go whenever we want. But remember, this expires in six months, so

don't forget it.

I could never forget something this generous.

Not in a million years.

That was five months and 29 days ago. It expires tomorrow, and he still hasn't

used it.

Maybe he took a date.

No, no, absolutely not. I have been keeping track of every one of Andy's

for the past six months.

And I know for a fact he hasn't used that card, and he's on a 56 -day no

streak.

I can't believe I just wasted $200 on that jerk.

Well, luckily, it's the thought that counts.

It's the what that what's?

Your generosity, your heart. You give someone a gift because it makes them

good.

No. You give someone a gift, honey, to get a credit.

That way, they gotta get you a gift even better than the one you gave them.

And then, you're ahead.

As long as you die first.

But when I give someone a gift, I have no expectation.

Baby, you gave me a picture for a man on a popsicle stick.

What expectations could you possibly have?

Well, I think you should give Uncle Andy the benefit of the doubt. I would, but

he probably wouldn't use it for six months.

Ask you to have a steak dinner with him.

You know what, Ruby? Maybe you're right.

Maybe tonight is steak night.

Hey, new taco place on Viz Street.

Te amo, taco.

Te amo.

Do you have any plans for dinner tomorrow night, Uncle Andy?

No. Thursdays I teach water aerobics at the senior center.

Been trying to get some alone time with Rose, but her husband just sits there

glaring at me from behind his oxygen mask.

As if he's some big shot. Ooh, I'm an ex -cop.

You'll excuse me. I believe the Alamo's about to fall to the Mexicans.

Ruby, that's my best friend.

He forgot the most generous gift I have ever given.

Why don't you just remind him that he has the gift certificate? It's the

principle of the thing.

What principle?

Come on, honey.

Wake up!

Pointless male pride!

Mom! Come on, catch up! Come on, get him! Ain't got a boy to talk to.

Kyle.

The TV's not on.

pretending. Dang, almost again.

Kyle, you know what? I need your opinion on something.

Let's say that you gave Gracie a really nice gift, like a puppy.

We're getting a puppy? No.

No, let's just say you gave her a gift.

And she put this puppy in her drawer.

If you don't get that puppy out of the drawer by tomorrow, that puppy's gonna

die.

If he dies, can we get a kitty?

Focus!

If I don't get that puppy out of that drawer, it's gonna die.

What should Daddy do?

You gotta save it! I love that puppy!

I know you do.

I love that puppy, too.

I'm going to go save the puppy!

Yeah!

Jill! I'm going to dinner. Watch the kids.

Gracie! Give me back my puppy!

Sir?

Yes? I checked with our manager.

Since you have your receipt, we'll be happy to accept your gift certificate.

Oh, that's great, because I licked all the silverware already.

Can I start you off with a drink? Oh, I drank before I came.

Ah, let's see.

I want $200 worth of meat.

All kinds of meat.

Would you like to hear our specials?

Do you have a $200 meat sampler?

No. Okay, then.

I'll have the ribeye steak, the porterhouse steak, some crab legs.

Oh, and by the way, give me a heads up when I hit 185 bucks.

I'm almost afraid to tell you this, but all those entrees come with salads.

Meat salads?

Are you okay, sir?

Fantastic.

Would you like to see a dessert menu?

Yes.

But you'll have to hold it for me because I can't lift my arms.

You enjoy your reheated mac and cheese?

I had three steaks and a rack of lamb.

You used Uncle Andy's gift certificate, didn't you?

Damn right I did.

$198 .50.

Right there.

But I thought it was... Hey, I'm no monster. I left a tip.

me like that.

He was never going to use that certificate.

You know it. Never.

Oh, Jim, I am such a dummy.

Agreed. Continue.

You remember that gift certificate you gave me for my birthday?

Vaguely.

Well, here's the thing. I completely forgot about it. I know I'm the biggest

jerk ever.

It must have fallen out of my wallet because I found it in between a couple

couch cushions. But the good news is, it doesn't expire until tomorrow.

That is good news.

So, me and my best buddy can go eat ourselves sick on steak.

That sounds great.

But, but, but, oh, you got that aerobics class tomorrow. You don't want to

disappoint those old people.

Please. I show up on Friday, tell them it's Thursday. They don't know the

difference.

So what do you think?

Yeah, Daddy.

What do you say?

I say let's do it.

I can't remember the last time I had a good steak.

I don't care about that.

The shirt, the pants, do they match?

It's fine. Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

You already used up Uncle Andy's gift certificate.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to make it very simple for you, honey.

I'm going to enjoy a fantastic expensive steak, and then when the check comes,

I'm going to go to the bathroom, ditch out, and leave the check for Andy.

Daddy, that's terrible!

Oh, Ruby, my sweet Ruby.

Sit down, honey.

Let me break this down for you.

I can either get in trouble with Uncle Andy and not have steak, or get in

trouble with Uncle Andy and have steak.

Have a good night.

You know, you could secretly give the waiter $200 and

let Uncle Andy think that nothing happened.

Why won't I do that?

I already spent $200 on him. No, you spent $200 on you.

I might not be a grown -up, but I think that's the right thing to do.

The right thing to do?

What does it have to do with anything?

You know, your mother can sit there and fold her legs and fold her arms and give

me that look and try to guilt me into doing the right thing, but don't think

can.

Damn it.

Fine.

I'll do it.

But it's the last time!

I tell you what, Jim, if I die tonight, I'll die a happy man.

I hear you, Andy.

No, I'm serious. I may die tonight.

Can you believe I forgot this gift certificate?

It's almost like I don't deserve this dinner.

Almost. You must have been stewing about it for months.

Well, you know what, Andy?

When I gave you this gift certificate, the look on your face was worth the

And now, having this meal tonight, it's like it's another $200.

Whoa,

hey. Hey, whoa, wait. What are you, my cardiologist?

I was going to eat that fast.

Hey, buddy.

Buddy, come here.

Well, we're almost out of steak, but I know the sous chef keeps a horse at his

house.

No, no, no. It's not that.

Listen, this guy I'm with is going to try to use that gift certificate that I

used last night.

So when he presents it, just go with it, all right? And on my way out, I'll flip

you $200.

How would you be serving that horse tonight?

Jim, this is probably the most generous gift ever.

Oh, come on, man. It was no big deal. Oh, sure it was. You're the cheapest guy

know.

Andy, I am not cheap.

I'm thrifty. There's a difference.

Yeah, yeah. Cheap costs less. That's why you're cheap.

I'm the generous one.

I'm not going to argue with you tonight, all right?

But trust me, I'm being twice as generous as you think.

Are you kidding me?

You remember your last birthday? I got you that satellite radio?

Because nothing's too good for my best buddy, Mr. Cheap.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr.

Cheap has to go to the bathroom.

I understand it's free. I may go twice.

Hey, put a roll of toilet paper in your pocket, because it's free.

You know, Andy, while I'm away, Why don't you order dessert?

Order whatever you want. It's on me.

Even if it goes over the generous $200 I've already spent.

I love this big, cheap guy!

You know the plan I gave you before?

Forget it. Stick the bill to Mr. Generous over here.

I am the luckiest boy in the world.

the Sacred Hearts.

Coming up next, four hours of uninterrupted blues on the Satellite

Network. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Why, listen, Missy. Oh, too fast, too fast.

What the hell?

You used my gift card and then you ditched me?

You're damn right I did. Whoa, too fast. Oh, God.

I had to shell out 250 bucks, walk home. I almost got hit by a car.

And I dropped my other swans.

How could you do that to me? How could I do that to you?

How could you do this to me?

What did I do to you?

You spit in the face of my gift card.

So you used it without me?

I rescued it like a puppy from the drawer.

And then I tried to do the right thing and you called me cheap.

I am not cheap.

Oh, I'm sorry. The altruistic philanthropist skipped out on the check.

Ruby?

I'm selfish do -gooder.

How dare you?

Pepper, I spent $200 on that certificate for you because it was your birthday. I

wanted to show you how much you mean to me.

Actually, Dad.

How's Uncle Andy's birthday cake coming?

Really good. We're out of baking soda, so I used diet soda.

Good thinking.

What'd you get Uncle Andy? Oh, I got him what I call the birthday combo package.

Flashlight.

A ten pound can of chocolate pudding.

Jumper candles.

Dad, he's your best friend. You have to get him something more than that.

I did.

Pickles.

He's family, Dad. And that jar is half empty.

Correction. Half full.

Final. I'll get him something good.

You had to be talked into this present you stole from me after I so generously

gave you that satellite radio?

It crackles when I drive under bridges.

It's a good gift, Jim. And it came from my heart because I'm the generous one.

Not so fast.

Is that Daddy's birthday present? Sure is.

What'd you get him?

Oh, he is gonna love it. I got him a moose that poops candy, a naked lady

and...

Jumper cables.

Fine, I'll get him something good.

I think I know what the problem is here. I think I do, too.

It's your fault.

Me? What did I do?

You forced us to be generous.

We would have been perfectly happy with the... gifts that we planned for each

other, but you had a sticky little nose in it.

Andy, do you still have that candy pooping moose?

If you still have that pudding.

Come on over here and give me a big hug.

I just can't move, Jim. Something's going to pop.

Well, let's just hold hands.

Oh, I tasted a little bit of that.

You two are crazy.

Do something about her, Jim. She's ruining our moment.

What can I say, Ruby?

You're growing up, but you're not your mother yet.

So I forbid you to act like her until you have your own grown -up man to

manipulate.

Yeah, ruin. his life. Stay the H out of ours.

Hold on a second.

You gotta make this right.

Andy, are you free tomorrow night?

Is everything okay over here?

Keep it coming till all this money's gone.

Hey, what do we do if she can't cover this?

Sneak out the bathroom.

You want a piece, honey? Can't have it.