Original subtitles

I'm thirsty. Would you loan me a beer? Shh.

Oh, right. If the beers know we're coming, they'll try to hide.

I just want to have a beer before the screaming starts.

What screaming?

Cheryl's resting upstairs.

And you know how she gets crazy every pregnancy?

Well, it's double this time because she's having twins.

Plus, those hormones go nuts when you're older.

Don't say that word in this house. Which word? Hormones are older.

Don't do that.

Be quiet.

You know, Cheryl, during every pregnancy, there's one point where she

to the dark side.

She's right on the edge, and I don't want her to go over it.

Hello, my young skinny bride.

My life is over.

Oh, come on, honey. Don't be silly. You got so much in life to look forward to.

For example, isn't it time to start making dinner?

I saw the doctor today.

Twins are fine.

As a precautionary measure, he wants to put me on bed rest.

All night?

Until the babies are born.

Does this have to start before dinner?

There's a lot to absorb here.

Give me a minute.

I mean, it's going to be really hard on me.

Well, won't you be lying down?

Stop, honey!

Honey, I've been away from my family for months, giving my mom sponge baths,

because boo -hoo, she broke her hair.

And then you, you did your filthy business on me on an airplane, got me

knocked up. Honey, honey.

Well, you bring your whores around and forget all about me! Honey, come on!

Easy, baby, easy.

Easy.

It's not going to be that bad.

Honest. Look, while you were in Florida taking care of your mom, I took care of

the house, right?

Yeah. I will continue to do so.

Right? All I want you to do is relax and concentrate on making

these babies beautiful.

What about Gracie's party?

Her birthday party? Yes!

I reserved the Cotillion Room at the National Girl doll store.

Not a problem.

Is Cotillion more than a billion?

Oh. All right. Come on.

National Girl dolls have only been your daughter's favorite thing for the last

two years.

Perhaps you remember a few dinners with a little doll named Constance

Higginbottom?

Oh, that quiet girl didn't talk?

Yeah, I liked her. She was polite and let me take food off her plate.

The Italian room is a very big deal.

We've been on the waiting list for over a year.

And now I'm going to have to cancel.

And it's going to break little Gracie's heart.

Honey.

Please. We're not going to cancel.

I will handle it.

Yeah, right.

It's ten little girls and their dolls having high tea.

Not a problem.

I'll handle it.

Do you mean it?

Yes, I do.

And I love you.

Do you?

Because I've been thinking that maybe there's an upside to you being in bed

the time.

Actually, honey, I talked to my OB.

He said I can't have sex until after the babies are born.

Wow.

Did you talk to the ear, nose, throat guy?

Give your mother lunch, and then we're going to go to the party.

Remember, that's not your mother in there.

That's the hormones.

So don't get too close, and don't look her in the eye.

So it's like the monkeys at the zoo.

Except for we don't have glass to protect us here.

Daddy, I'm scared.

If she says anything, just say, yes, mommy.

Yes, Mommy.

To Mommy, Kyle.

Hello.

How are my little darlings?

Yes, Mommy.

There's my birthday girl. Come here, Gracie.

It's okay, honey.

Hey, Dad.

Honey, I made you and your sister tea cozies for your party.

You're not going to get a cozy because you get a big surprise. You get to stay

home with mommy all day long.

Special welcome to the birthday girl, Gracie.

Girls, please.

Screaming is neither fetching nor winsome.

We use indoor voices or no one gets crumpets.

I must have had her.

We begin with the national girl.

Traditionally read by the mother of the birthday girl.

But due to her being... Knocked up.

As I was saying, since the mother isn't here, perhaps the father would like to

read.

I,

as a national girl...

to proudly and lovingly care for my doll and myself.

My outfit will always be clean and my hair will always be braided.

Zip it.

And I promise to always

Today, her hair is braided in a double flip twist.

Born into the merchant class, Priscilla came over on the Mayflower.

And, after a stormy six -month courtship, married an apothecary.

Those apothecaries got all the tail.

How long do you think it would take to beat me unconscious with one of these

dolls?

Gracie, it's your turn.

I'll be back later with cake.

Make her say cake again.

I'm sorry, what is that you're bringing back?

Cake.

This is Constance Higginbottom. She does stuff.

I lost her once. We found her behind the...

Having a good time?

No, this party's stupid.

You wish you were here with your mommy.

No, I wish I wasn't here.

What are you talking about? I thought this is what you wanted.

Yeah, a year ago.

I was a kid then.

Well, why didn't you say something?

Mom was so excited about this.

And you said we shouldn't upset her.

Crap.

There's a lesson in this.

This is what happens when you think of other people before yourself.

I guess I just wanted to make sure Mommy got the party she wanted.

Oh, you're a sweet kid.

You get that from me, you know.

But I'm going to look like her, right?

Well, let's hope so.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't we give your mother...

The tea party that she wanted for you.

Here. Pick up that teacup.

Okay. Smile.

There. Look at that.

There's a tea party.

Now, let's throw the party that you wanted. What do you want to do? We can

anything. Can we go play laser tag or paintball?

We can do anything you want at a place we've already put a deposit down on.

Like here.

There's nothing here but stupid dolls.

You see stupid dolls.

I see braided targets.

This is Constance Higginbottom, charged with being stupid and betraying her

country. Commence firing!

Happy birthday, Gracie!

Hey, Dad, can I go shoot Uncle Andy in his big fat head?

It's your day!

And one cupcake.

And you know I'm not going to throw the cupcake.

This is the best party ever.

Yeah, well, the party's over.

Now, give me the cupcake nice and easy or I swear to God I'll do this doll

now.

The last thing you need is a cupcake.

I use often, but it fits perfectly.

Hey! You're going down, lady!

Hey!

What was that?

Oh, that?

That was a crumpet.

Yeah, they're running all over the place. It's like a petting zoo here.

How are things at home?

Okay. I mean, I miss you guys, but Kyle's having fun.

Right, Kyle?

so sorry honey but i'm getting my hair braided bye how's mommy

oh she's great she wanted me to say

be safe here. The question is...

We'll show Mommy the pictures of the fake party, tell her how great it was,

then we're out of there.

Jim, is that you?

Yes, Mommy.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, guys.

So how was your day?

I don't know what hormones are, but I'm never getting pregnant. Oh.

How was your party? Tell me everything.

Take a picture.

She's kind of worn out, so why don't we just get her to bed now?

Oh, my God, so happy.

So very, very happy.

Cheryl! Cheryl, what's the matter? Cheryl!

Oh, it was the best party ever, and I missed it.

Come on, come on.

Cheryl,

Cheryl, Cheryl, look at me.

Cheryl, look at me.

Cheryl.

It's going to be okay.

It's not okay.

It was the perfect party, and I wasn't even there.

All right, it wasn't the perfect party, all right? I swear.

The fact is, National Girl Store threw us out, banned us for life, and we'll

probably get sued.

What'd you do?

Steal a cupcake?

Did you sneak in beer?

Oh, my God.

What? Your harmonica.

Did you play your harmonica?

Poor Gracie. Not poor Gracie! And I'm pretty hot on the harmonica.

That little girl has dreamed about that party all year, and you ruined it!

Cheryl, Cheryl, here's the good news.

The good news is she didn't want that party. I gave her a better one.

What are you talking about? She didn't want that party. She didn't want that

party. Honestly, God, she liked this party. Look, look, look, look, let me

you. Look, look, right here.

Okay.

All right. You see that?

Okay, that's Gracie assassinating Priscilla Feeney.

She is a great shot.

She gets that from you, baby.

And there is Ruby and Gracie mowing down Tabitha.

And there is...

Tabitha's mother picking her up early from the party.

There's me with two cupcakes in my mouth.

See, a good time was had by all.

What's that?

Looks like an upskirt of Mrs. Whitney.

Damn it, Andy.

So, that's really what Gracie wanted?

Yes, honey.

You have to understand, she grew out of those dolls.

She said this was the best party ever.

A happy day.

Come on, Cheryl.

Come on, Cheryl.

I don't even know my own daughter.

Come on, Cheryl.

You really are down.

Cheryl, I know you feel alone.

But you've got to understand, even though you're swimming in that hormonal

in your head, you've got to know that you are the center of this family.

Are you?

Yes.

Cheryl, you always have been.

And we've always been there for you.

Cheryl.

Why are you crying now? What is this? Is this a happy, sad, or crazy cry?

It's kind of a mixture.

You know, it's just... It's only going to be a few more months now that this

family is just the five of us.

I'm missing it.

Cheryl Mabel, you're not going to miss anything.

Okay.

Mama's the queen.

And Andy and I are going to lead a charge in the castle.

Got it? Thank you. It's so nice to not feel isolated.

Okay.

Cheryl.

Cheryl, you can't cry during an attack.

What's wrong?

I just... I just... I can't believe that... You would fall for that.