Original subtitles

All right, kids. Special treat on the breakfast menu.

Cold cereal of your choice.

I'll take Sweetie Puffs. And the Munch. Cocoa Bullets. Cocoa Bullets. All right,

let's see what we got here.

And Raisin Bran it is.

All right, enjoy.

I think this book expired already.

Nah, those things are just a scam.

Just like Kyle's cough medicine.

Except for three days.

Yeah, but you didn't cough once, did you?

No, you see, these dates in the milk cartons are created by the dairy lobby.

They want to scare mommies into throwing them out.

But we're not going to fall for that, are we?

No! We're not going to fall for that!

All right.

All right, special

treat in the breakfast menu.

Cottage cheese.

Oh.

Andy.

Hey, Jim.

Were you wondering how many times I had sex today with my new girlfriend?

King, king, king, king, king, king, king, king.

Andy, I am sitting here folding little children's underpants.

Oh, Jim, you want to talk underpants, man?

I saw some today off of someone who wasn't me. Want to know how many times I

it?

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

And for a stallion named Andy, that's called the trifecta.

Come on, Andy, with the kind of girls you go out with, it's called the

She loves to do it.

You know what it is, right?

Yeah. It's the last half of bomb it.

Yeah, I know what it is.

It is what Cheryl and I aren't doing because she's in Florida taking care of

your mother who broke her hip doing it in the shower.

Now, that is not true. She slipped at the mall in Orlando. She slipped off her

gardener Orlando.

Oh, gotta go.

What's that?

A timer.

Last thing my lady said was give me five minutes.

At least I think that's what she said.

English, not her strong suit.

Gracie and I are done computer chatting with Mommy. She wants to talk to you.

Oh, really?

Oh, great, great, great.

Hi, Cheryl.

Hey, honey.

I was just thinking about you. Oh, good things, I hope.

Good things, some bad things, some very bad things.

What do you want, a tip? Come on, come on.

Oh, Cheryl, I'm going crazy without you here.

Oh, you miss me?

I miss some parts more than others.

I've got some good news for you, then.

I talked to Dana, and she said she'd be willing to come down to Florida to take

care of Mom so I can come home.

Here?

Within touching distance?

Yes. You mean a hot night of sex and laundry?

Yes.

As long as you're willing to buy a ticket for Dana, I can fly home for a

Are you kidding me? If you come home for a night, I'll buy Dana two bus tickets.

Jim. All right. All right. I'll fly her, but you've got to bring your A -game.

All right.

I'm so excited, honey. I can't wait to see you. Oh, baby.

Oh, say something sexy before you leave.

Oh, you know what, honey? I gotta go. I gotta go white mom.

Say it again.

Goodbye.

Hey, Jim.

Time to check the board.

God, it's late. It's 4 o 'clock. No.

Time for bed.

Bed? Mom, you said we could make a cake. I know, sweetie, but I am so tired.

I'm so tired. Did you see that?

You got to understand, kids, you know, Mommy's been in Florida. That's like 15

hours later. So much later. And she needs sleep, and she needs it now.

She may even need to sleep more than once.

Come on, come on, come on. In the kitchen. Let's go. Come on, come on.

the kitchen. I'll be right in.

Nice move, babe.

I mean, it's a little risky with them right behind the door.

But I'm game.

Come on.

Yeah, honey, um, I need you to think about this like Christmas Eve, and your

present is right under the tree, and you just have to wait a little bit longer.

Huh? Yeah, but the creature's stirring, honey, and it's not a mouse.

I know. I know, honey, but... Sugar plums are dancing and they're not in my

head.

Yes. You got it? My chestnuts are roasting.

Jim, the kids really need to spend some time with me.

Fine. Okay.

Is it going to be a blue Christmas?

Okay. I put the kids to bed. I put the heat on super high so they'll fall

and stay asleep. Will you stop talking and get over here?

Cheryl, that makes me feel cheap.

And I like it.

You still smell like cake.

Oh, my God, it's going to be the most passionate 90 seconds of our lives.

Mom? Oh, good, you're still up. I totally forgot to tell you this great

It's about this girl who's got the same coat as Gracie. Let me tell that story.

It's about a girl who has the same coat as Gracie. Now, good night. It was so

funny.

Shut over, Daddy.

Okay, so there was this girl, and she asked Gracie where she got her jacket.

Gracie was like, um, I don't remember.

Are you telling the coat story?

Because that is my story.

You tell it wrong. You're missing the good part. I think I'm missing the good

part here.

Okay, so we were on the bus.

Dad, move.

All right, so we were on the bus, and this girl sits down. So we're like, um,

like your jacket. Wait, wait, wait. This was a Monday. No, no, it was Tuesday.

No, it was a Monday. No.

It was a Tuesday because they served oatmeal cookies and they only served

ones. Summarize.

Summarize.

She shows up and

we can tell that she painted her butt. So we teased her until she cried. It was

awesome. You should have been there.

Awesome story.

Isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, I got a little confused in some parts, but

then you repeated it three or four times.

Yeah, yeah.

My favorite part was the ant. Oh, the ant was great.

Nighty -night. Good night now, girls. Love you.

Come on.

Sleep well.

I miss Mommy.

Can I sleep in?

The heat went down 45 minutes ago.

talking about?

You guys hogged her the whole weekend.

She's not mommy, not yours.

I knew her first. No, you didn't.

I'm tired. Let's go to bed.

Oh, now you want to go to bed.

Crying out loud.

Hello, neighbor.

Oh, I need to borrow a cup of chewable vitamins.

Seems I've depleted my natural fluids.

What are you doing here?

What are you walking around in a robe for?

Ah, clothes are for guys who aren't getting any.

And they see you are very well -dressed.

Andy, I'm going crazy here. I didn't get one minute alone with Cheryl.

Now I'm not going to see her for weeks.

Do something to get my mind off it.

Oh, jeez, Andy.

Did I take your mind off of it?

Not completely.

You and your sister have the same cup size.

This sucks!

Hello?

Hey, honey, it's me. There's bad weather in Orlando.

Oh, that's horrible to hear. I'm sorry.

No, honey, it's good.

They're diverting us back to Chicago, and I'm going to have a three -hour

layover. Oh, well, you know what? It's a nice airport.

Why don't you go to Lost and Found and pick up a birthday present with Gracie?

Okay. Let me say the important word again.

Lay over.

Right. You're on layover.

Layover! Right!

Not a hold your hands over.

Oh, baby.

All right, I'm coming to the airport.

Okay, honey, get a hotel room and a nice one, not by the hour.

Or how about the minivan?

and hope nobody's in short -term parking.

Dan. All right, fine, fine. I'll be there in a little bit. All right, bye.

Andy, Andy, you have got to stay here and watch the kids, because I am going

go and make love on your sister.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

I know it's been a while since you've been in the saddle, so if you need a

little extra staying power, maybe that'll help.

Andy, you're a good friend.

There's ice in the freezer for that.

Here's your boarding pass. You're going to go through security around the

corner, and there's the captain's club. Have a nice flight.

Next. Sir, your baby.

Can you tell me when flight 38 from Orlando is going to arrive?

Oh, I'd be happy to help you with that.

Ah, yes, it's delayed. See how it says that here, to your left, and right

you?

Blah, delayed. How long?

Oh, I could be of service to you again by checking the screens here, to your

left, and right behind you.

I just shelled out for a hotel room. Now, what am I supposed to do? If you'd

like some pamphlets on what to do in the Chicago area, there are information

kiosks located at both ends of the terminal and right behind you.

I'm just trying to find some alone time with my wife, but it looks like we only

got an hour to make it happen.

Oh, you'd like to know where to have sex in the airport.

I'd be happy to help you with that.

Do you or your wife have any disabilities?

No. Are either of you members of the armed services, the auto club, or

with a small child?

No, no, I... In the event of a water landing, would you need special

Water landing?

Yes.

Is that dirty?

Oh, yes.

No.

All right. May I recommend the northwest corner of... Our captain's club. It

features a leather sofa, decent view of the big screen, and free drink.

Really? Can I get a game on the big screen?

Done.

Fantastic. You've been a real help. Thank you so much.

Well, of course, now only ticketed passengers can go through security.

Oh, great.

I've got a hotel room I can't use. Now I'm going to buy a ticket that I can't

use. All right, when's the next available flight?

I'd be happy to help you with that today, sir, by checking the screens here

your left and right behind you.

All right, give me a ticket to Cincinnati.

Okay.

How do you spell Cincinnati?

Well, I can help you with that.

If you look to your right, to your left, or right behind you.

Cheryl, Cheryl, I saw... on the monitor that your flight has landed.

So look, we're not going to have that much time. So when you get this message,

meet me in the captain's club.

All right. And don't be surprised by bringing a water landing.

I see you're in the same cell that I am.

Hard to resist, huh?

Hey, I'm out of paper.

Hey, buddy, can you help me out here?

I'm having trouble finishing.

Come on.

Give me a hand, would you?

Come on, don't leave me hanging.

Come on, I'd do the same for you.

Hello, officer.

Was I speeding?

You're under arrest for lewd conduct.

What? You want me to do a courtesy flush?

to step out of the stall.

Well, I'm still going to need that paper.

All

right,

Pally, assume the position.

You got any drugs or weapons on you?

No. Have you been drinking today?

No. Are you a member of the auto club?

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, you get 10 % off any misdemeanors or citations.

And the fine for soliciting... Wait a minute, wait a minute. You think I'm

trying to have sex with you?

Look, when I want to have sex with you, believe me, you're going to know it.

You tap your foot, sir. That's a notorious signal for bathroom sex. Then

foot grazed mine.

I am not gay. I am a married man.

And I'm an avid racquetball player, but that doesn't mean I never go swimming.

I'm not following you.

Swimming is gay.

My God, swimming is gay?

Who knows? You're the expert.

No, no, no, no. You got me all wrong here, man. Come on.

Oh, so you're not planning on having sex in the airport today?

Well, yes, I was. But not with you. With a hot blonde, my wife.

You know, sir, that's still a crime.

Nothing funky. You know, just normal, regular.

No water landing.

You've got to give me a break here.

Hello?

Where were you? I went to the captain's club and looked everywhere.

I'm having a problem in the bathroom.

Oh, Jim, just throw out your underwear like you always do.

Cheryl.

Cheryl, where are you?

I'm on the plane. I didn't want to miss my flight.

We're taking off in ten minutes.

No, Cheryl, Cheryl. Oh, sweetheart, I'll call you from Florida.

I love you.

Cheryl, Cheryl, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stall, stall.

Hey, listen, man, you have got to believe me. I haven't had sex with my

over two months. She's been down in Florida watching her mom who had a

hip. I'm watching the kids, and my brother -in -law's getting it more than

And if I don't see her soon, I might not see her in another few weeks.

So with all that pressure, you figured, why not go to the airport bathroom and

blow up a little steam?

Look at me.

Is there anything about me that is even remotely gay?

Well... I'm not a fan of that jacket.

My wife bought it for me. I told her not to get the coat.

All right.

Give me an honest answer.

When was the last time you saw a grown man naked?

Two hours ago.

But it was my brother -in -law.

He was doing me a favor.

There's still time. There's still time. Come on, come on, come on. What can I do

to hurry this thing along?

You admit to soliciting sex from a man in a public restroom.

Guilty as charged.

And that's my phone number. I'm not.

In -flight snack has arrived.

What are you doing here?

I bought a plane ticket, a couple hundred bucks.

But when I get to Florida, I've got to turn around and come back and go to

Chicago for a court date.

I can't believe you go to all this trouble just to have sex with me.

Cheryl, you know what? It's more than the sex.

I mean, I haven't been able to stare into your eyes or touch your hair or

your hand and just say nothing.

You know what?

What? I believe our membership to the Mile High Club has expired.

Would you like to read it?

Is there a membership fee?

So far, $3 ,600.

But maybe you are worth it.

Oh, come here.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

$100, and I'll give you the seat.

All right, I'll give you the $100. Move.