Original subtitles

Okay, you rats.

I know you guys miss your mom, but I figured out a way to have her with us

she's in Florida taking care of Grandma. It's gonna be just like having her

here.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mommy.

Mommy, what are you doing on Daddy's naked lady machine?

Great idea, Andy.

Come on down here, kids. I got all the clothes.

They're all done.

Wow. Cheryl's been gone a month, and you're actually making things work. I'm

really impressed.

Well, when you have a system, it's very easy.

What'd you do?

You know that? I pin their outfits together before I wash them.

That way I can tell whose is whose.

Oh, there you are. All right, young lady.

This is yours.

Great. My red sweatpants and my white T -shirt.

Daddy's learning.

No. No, you're not.

This is for my sleepy football star.

What happened to my unicorn PJs?

Oh, you know what? The laundry fairy took them out to live on a farm.

She takes everything that makes me feel magical.

I can't tell if you're stupidly clever or cleverly dumb.

How about...

Magically delicious.

All right, my dear, here you go. Perfect.

Those are Kyle's underpants.

They're girly enough for you. Come on, put them on.

Daddy? Yes?

Remember how you said when Mom's away, I can bring all my problems to you?

Yes, yes, yes.

I've got a Mommy problem.

Oh, great. Here, let me put my Mommy hat on.

My friends are getting it done. Look at mine. They're hideous.

You don't have to get them waxed. Not when they're just starting to grow

together.

Anything else?

Yes.

I need you to buy me a training bra.

Daddy,

are you okay?

Let's talk about your eyebrows.

powers for things like that.

What's this about?

He's freaking out because I told him I needed a training bra.

Dana, take my credit card, all right? Buy it for her. I don't want to hear

it. I don't want to see it. I don't want to find it in the laundry.

Okay, what's this about? Your mom and I bought you a bra last month.

I know, but it's no fun going to the mall with daddy.

I need the words training bra to freak him out, and now I get to go with you.

Except for that hideous eyebrow.

Andrea, can I talk to you about something?

Sure. There's a boy at school named Sammy. Oh, I dated a Sammy once. Well,

really dated. It was more like a lot of one night... Tell me about your Sammy.

He passed me a note, and he wants to go out sometime.

Oh, perfect. Good for you.

What else do you know about him?

His name's Sammy, and he passed me a note.

Sounds like quite a catch.

Well, all right, if you want to go, as long as it's in a public place,

like here.

Aunt Mommy says yes.

Awesome. I'll call him right now. Oh, no, no, no, no. You wait two days. Then

you pass him a note saying you just got out of a major relationship and you're

taking things slow.

How old were you when you got married?

32.

I'm calling.

Thank you very much for that.

So did you get the, um...

Yes,

she tried it on. It's a little big, but she can grow up.

Just give me the credit card.

Oh, we had the best time. Lots of girl talk.

Oh, and guess what?

Our little Ruby is going on her first date.

You okay?

So tell me about the training, bro.

No! Ruby is not going on a date. She's a little girl.

Ruby's dating? I'm not even dating. What the crap?

No.

Nobody is dating.

Jim, she's in the sixth grade. She's ready for this. Oh, you know what? I

girl in the sixth grade who was ready for this. And you know what? I went to

kid's first birthday party in the eighth grade.

Jim, that's not Ruby. They're going to go to the mall and maybe hold hands.

I knew a girl who was ready to hold hands in the sixth grade.

And her grandkids went to her high school graduation.

Wait, wait.

Something doesn't sound right about that.

Why haven't you introduced me to this girl?

Because she's a great -grandmother now!

And he is.

Tell me about this guy, because I want to kill him. He's not a guy. He's a boy.

He's a little boy named Sammy.

What do you know about Sammy? I'm sure he's six inches shorter than Ruby with

pimples and a squeaky voice.

Aw, and this kid's getting action? Damn!

Nobody's getting any action because she's not dating this kid. She's not

on a date. She's too young. I'm sure it's harmless. Don't you remember middle

school? You were there for five years.

We're going to put an end to this right now.

Andy, do your voodoo thing and summon Cheryl.

It's a video chat, Jim. It's not black magic. Summon her!

You know what?

We're going to get the right answer from the real mommy.

the mother of my children, my wife, the wisest woman in the whole world.

Hey, guys. Hi, Cheryl.

Listen, um, Ruby got asked out on her first date, and Dana said she could go.

A date? I'm so happy for... Forget

it. I knew it. From now on, there's only one mommy in this house, and you're

looking at them.

It's age appropriate.

She's right on schedule.

Schedule for what?

Working a pole at cleavages?

Not happening.

What's that sound? Oh, it's the computer. It's Cheryl.

Hey, what happened? Everything went dark.

I don't know, honey.

Maybe asteroids.

What's going on with Ruby's date? I'll tell you what's going on. She's not

on a date.

All right? She just got her first training bra. I don't want some sleazy

named Sammy trying to take it off her.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Wait, what was that, Ruby?

Did she hear you?

I don't think so.

Everything seems fine.

Be locked up in her bedroom? Yeah.

I'm gonna go to the garage and get a crowbar. Wait, wait, Tim, Tim, Tim. Come

here. No, no, no, no. You gotta sit down. I want you to hear this. No,

me for a second, okay?

Look, my dad was a real hard ass. He wouldn't let me or Cheryl wear makeup or

talk on the phone or even think about boys. He was like a prison warden. A

brilliant man.

No, it just made us rebellious.

Rebellious? You two are the town skanks.

You and Cheryl went through half the football team.

Cheryl is my wife. Now, you back off.

Yeah, that's right. Cheryl preferred the basketball team. What?

Yeah. And poor old dad would stay up all night on that sofa with me and his gin,

wondering where it all went sour.

Was it me, Andy?

Did I raise him wrong?

No, Pop. You did the best you could.

Refill your cocktail?

My point is, if you lock her up, you're just going to turn her into me.

All right.

I'll talk to her.

Good. That was the fridge.

Do you think it's Ruby?

I don't know. Gracie's at a friend's house.

And Carl always says, open Sesame Magic cold box.

You made Dad drink?

Sure.

And don't pour that gin like you bought it, because you didn't.

I know I didn't. I'm just a kid. I was just a kid.

Hey.

I really want to be alone.

Hey, you know what? Me too. Maybe that's something we can do together.

Why are you making such a big deal about this?

Honey, it is a big deal.

It's a really big deal. It's a turning point in a father's life seeing his

little girl grow up. And that's my problem how?

Look.

It's my job to protect you. From what?

We're going to eat frozen yogurt.

I'll order a little fat.

Well, that attitude, maybe I'll go on a date with you.

I don't understand.

What do you think is going to happen on this date?

Well, you know what? I've already got a headache. I don't want to think about

it.

It's like you think I'm bad or something. I don't think you're bad,

It's the boys. They're rotten.

You're a boy.

I'm the only good one.

Do you think you and Mommy did a good job raising me? Of course we did.

Well, then you obviously taught me right from wrong.

True. And you should trust me to do the right thing. Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait. Or your bad father.

Take your pick.

Man, you're good.

All right.

I trust you.

Thank you.

You really think Mommy and I did a good job raising you?

Yep. Great if you do.

Kyle? Let's not spoil the moment.

So what are you going to do when Sammy gets here?

I'm just going to have a little talk with him.

Out in the garage.

Nothing scary.

I just want him to see that I have a saw that can cut through bone.

Okay.

Here she is.

Hi, Daddy.

Look at you.

You look so beautiful.

Turn me around. I can't see.

You look... Beautiful, like a little angel.

For God's sake, will somebody turn me around?

Oh, oh, look at my little girl, all grown up.

And you're wearing your training clothes. Oh, my God, that's Sammy.

All right, Jim. Now, just remember, this is probably the little guy's birthday,

too, so try not to scare him.

I feel so bad that he's getting dates and I'm not.

Can I get you another beer, Jim?

Or maybe a gin and tonic?

Hey, Ruby.

How you doing?

I'm good. Let me get my coat.

What happened to that pimply -faced run, Gina?

You said he was a kid.

What do I know, Jim? I'm just the town floozy.

Sorry I'm late.

Basketball practice went long.

Like mother, like daughter.

Okay, see ya.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

You two have fun.

What are you doing? You let her go! Say something!

I looked her right in the eye, and I told her I...

At least when Cheryl and Dana skanked out, they went through the back door.

They're walking away.

I'm not a prison warden, Dana.

That's what you said.

So we're going to follow them to the yogurt store?

Absolutely. Grab your keys.

can you tell? Can't hear a word they're saying.

Hold me up. Hold me up. I can't see.

I know that kid. He's a seventh grader.

I think he hit on me once.

Wait a minute.

Who are those hooligans?

They got cigarettes.

Jim, those are straws.

Good Lord, they're hooked on straws.

Yeah, I'm not on my watch. I'm going in.

Don't worry.

She's not going to even know I'm there.

Here, hold Cheryl's head.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, want a coupon?

No, no, no. I think it's break time for you.

Break time? I wish.

So,

how do I look?

Fantastic. Hey, see if you can get some coupons. Or the hole punch for the

frequent buyer card.

More than usual.

So the other day, my dad was totally on my case.

He said, back off, Walter.

And he did.

Awesome. What's your dad like?

Tight. We're in.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Get me out of this thing.

Get me out of this thing.

I can't break that kid's neck with these flippers.

What's going on?

Oh, that other creep wants to go over to his house to hang out. Probably the guy

who brought the straws.

Well, it's not going to happen. Get me out of this thing. I'm trying. Hey, did

you get the coupons? What coupons? No.

That's my cell phone.

That's Ruby's tone.

Dana, it's in my front pocket right here. Get it. Not your life.

Come on, Dana.

Andy, come on. Your turn. It's right here. There's a vent right here. Right

below my waist. Right here. Come on. You call it a vent. We both know it's a pee

hole. Get it.

You heard him ask, folks.

Hurry up before she sees us.

Andy, get it.

Coupons? You suck.

Sure, I can come pick you up.

I'll be there in ten minutes, huh?

Will somebody tell me what's going on?

That was Ruby.

She wants me to come and pick her up.

She's going to tell Sammy that she's not feeling well and we're supposed to meet

her outside in the mall.

Oh, she's such a good girl.

Yeah, she really is.

Yeah, a good girl who's coming this way.

Don't you want to talk about tonight?

I'm dying to.

That's why I'm going to go upstairs and call my friends. Come here. Come here.

Come on. Come on. Come on, wise guy. Sit down.

Now, what happened?

They were some older kids, and they wanted to go to this guy's house where

are no parents around.

And you're right.

All boys aren't creeps. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You went a little fast

through my favorite part.

Boys are creeps?

No, no. Back farther.

You were right.

Sweet victory.

Don't I get any credit for realizing it wasn't a good situation and getting

myself out of there?

Doesn't that make you trust me?

Oh, baby.

Absolutely not.

I'll never trust you, not now or ever.

I mean, face it, honey.

You're really a good kid.

But on your wedding night, if you order room service...

be sure I will be under the cart.

Dad. No, no, no. On your 20th anniversary dinner, you look up and

waiter. It'll be your old man in a fake mustache.

But... And when you are elected president, the first night in the White

I get it.

Secret service guy, wake.

That's all I'm going to say.

Come on. You know I love you.

You mean everything to me.

And you're a good kid.

And that's why I will always be looking out for you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's Ben.

Ben who?

He's the one I really like. I was only going out with Sammy to make Ben

I thought you said all boys were creeps.

Ben's different.

I can change him.

Hi, Ben.

Hold on a second.

Dad, what you said tonight really made a lot of sense.

I'm really lucky to have you as a dad.

And I've learned a lot tonight.

So...

Yeah,

right.

You're really good.

Oh, my God. I'm so happy you called.

Go.

I was at the mall, and this weird penguin, he was being really weird.