Original subtitles

Morning, y 'all.

And what a fine day it is, too.

Andy, what the hell? What are you dressed like Colonel Sanders for?

How dare you, sir?

This is how a southern man of leisure dresses for travel.

Andy, you're not traveling for leisure.

You're going to take care of Mom in Florida.

Please. I figure as soon as I hit the Sunshine State, I'll take her to that

alligator farm by the freeway.

Nothing cheers you up more than throwing live chickens to a gator.

Andy, she broke her hip. She's bedridden.

Can you handle that?

Of course I can. There's nothing I can't handle.

You gonna cook for her? Her favorites.

You gonna clean for her? Till it sparkles. You gonna give her a sponge

Oh.

We were going to tell him about the sponge bath until he got there.

What happened?

You fainted because you found out you have to give your mother sponge baths.

Crap. I know.

Now you're going to have to go.

Cheryl, I have a very difficult baby.

Oh, they're there.

Looks like it's you.

Yeah, that's right. No one will be here to watch soap operas or recycle.

Oh.

Tara, you can go. Come on, it's only for a week or so.

I'll be fine. I'll handle everything.

Are you sure?

Yeah, it's your mother. It's family. Go.

Oh.

Well, everything's spinning.

Am I dead? Why am I in this white suit?

Because you're on your way to Florida to give your mom a sponge bath.

Right, right.

I can handle that. Yeah, it'll be easier than changing her diaper.

Oh, baby.

All right, loser.

Cheryl's been gone for two days. She wanted me to make sure the kids weren't

starving to death.

Not helpless.

I got dinner for them.

Well, yeah, but they probably don't have any clean clothes.

Laundry.

Is there something that Cheryl does around here that isn't being taken care

Yes, there is.

But if I get that desperate, I'll go to Andy before I go to you.

All right, well, if he needs a dress, I still have my maternity clothes.

Tex, come on, dinner!

I got you some good...

greatest dad.

Where's Kyle?

Oh, I thought he was upstairs with you. You were supposed to pick him up.

I was?

Where is he?

At Karate.

Next to the taco place.

I knew I forgot something.

All right, if your mom calls Gracie, you're Kyle.

Please be Kyle. Please be Kyle. Please be Kyle.

Oh, Kyle.

Kyle, I am so glad you are here.

Is that why you left me at karate?

Mary Beth, right?

Thank you so much for bringing Kyle home.

Oh, well, I saw Kyle sitting on the bench outside the karate studio, and I

Cheryl was out of town, so... I don't know how I lost him there. He must have

snuck out the back door.

Sorry, don't forget.

Okay, how much do I pay you not to tell Cheryl?

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no. Don't even worry about it. I know my husband would be in

a panic if I left town.

You know, are you sure there isn't anything I can do to help you out while

Cheryl is away? No, no, no, I'm fine. I mean, my tacos are a little cold, but

I'm fine.

Are you sure? You know, because I could help out with driving the kids around

and maybe drop off a nice stew.

Would that stew be beef?

Oh, look! It's America's favorite housewife.

Where's the apron? In the washing machine.

You know, Andy, you were funnier in that gay white suit you were wearing.

Crackers and olives.

Who died?

Oh, God, not Mom!

Oh, I should have been there!

No.

Settle down.

Susan made me a little cracker and cheese platter. Who the hell's Susan?

Hi, I'm Susan.

Oh. And I'm available Friday for dinner.

I'm married.

And I'm discreet. You like seafood?

Do you like pepper spray?

I've become accustomed to the taste.

I'll get these towels back to you tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess that's fine. I'll just dry the kids off with their socks.

No, no.

Never mind. I'll get them back tonight.

Oh, you're a peach.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

If you change your mind, we can hit it and quit it.

What kind of scam are you pulling here?

I tapped into something, Andy.

I have tapped into the boundless pool of female pity for the helpless man.

The more pathetic I am, the more they want to help me.

I've got three local housewives taking care of me now.

I'm pathetic?

Where's my cheese plate?

Heck, I should have a cheese house.

How did you pull this off?

Well, I lost Kyle.

Now Mary Beth is carpool.

I sent Kyle to school in a dress.

Now Susan does the laundry.

And that's Lisa with dinner and dessert.

And if I play my cards right, a little light vacuuming.

Hi, Lisa.

Jim, how are you doing? Oh, I'm just so out of breath, you know, running around.

I'm trying to do everything.

Oh, well, I brought you a lasagna.

And some roast beef sandwiches for the kids tomorrow.

Oh, that's great.

And, oh, this carpet's a mess.

Oh, don't even look. I am so embarrassed. I haven't had time.

Oh, look it. The vacuum cleaner's broken now.

You know, it's okay. I can get it. Let me get this dinner put away. I'll do the

dishes and then run the vacuum. Oh, thank you so much. You're a peach.

Oh. I bet you say that to all the girls.

Actually, he does.

Thank you.

I just couldn't do it without you, Lisa.

I hear you couldn't do it. I couldn't do it without you.

What the hell, man? I'm pissed.

I spent my life alone. You got three wives.

Four, including Cheryl.

I'm blowing this thing sky high, man.

I'm telling Cheryl. I'm telling the new wives.

I'm telling everyone. Let the bodies fall where they may.

Sponge bath.

Trying to make a costume for Gracie's pageant at school.

I think I can do something here with the tinfoil in this bag.

That sounds good. Who is she going to be?

Eleanor Roosevelt.

What do you think?

You know what, Jim? I bet I could whip something up.

Oh, great.

Oh, I brought you a little dessert for tonight.

Oh.

Where did you get this other pie?

Oh, Susan.

Oh.

Susan from up the street made you a pie?

No.

Hey. Gina made it.

Because I asked her to.

What did I do? You made that thank you pie for Mary Beth.

Remember I still owe you $25 for the ingredients?

Oh, yeah, that's right. You do owe me $50.

And I'll get you that $35 in a minute.

Sold. I made the pie. Hope you like it.

I'll get that.

Oh, that was really sweet of him.

What kind is it?

Gloves in the kitchen.

You know what? I'll get them for you. Oh, Jim, you've got enough to do. No,

no, Susan, Susan.

Andy is in there naked.

I, um... I think I left them by the sink. By the sink? Yeah. I'll get them,

get them. Okay, thanks so much.

Who's at the door, Jim? Uh, Girl Scouts.

There's a big glove drive. Apparently kids in Russia don't have gloves. Oh,

there's some right there. Excuse me.

Hey, Jim, Jim, you can't give away my gloves. These aren't your gloves, Dana.

Uh, but Jim, Cheryl's not here. They're too big for the girls, and, uh, they're

not Mary Beth. So, whose could they be?

You're right, they are yours.

That's right, you left them here $25 ago.

Uh, $25 ago?

Did I say, I meant 25 minutes ago.

Yes, that's right, except it was 40.

While we're sitting here talking, some little Russian girl is freezing her

off.

He's not coming out here, is he?

No, no, no, no. But I told him you were here and he did say, say hi.

No, it's my buddy, Steve Lisa.

He's a cool dude, man, really cool.

Hey, Lisa.

What's up, dude?

Yeah, no, I think the duvet is permanent press.

Dog!

Yeah, yeah, we'll talk later.

You're a peach.

That's what good friends do sometimes. They call each other by their favorite

fruit.

I'm Kiwi.

Is there anything else you want me to do before I go?

No, no, no. I got it all handled.

All because of you.

And only you, Mary Beth.

Enjoy that pie.

Well, I dropped by to see if you needed any help, but it looks like you have it

all under control, Kiwi.

I haven't juggled three women since I was in my 20s.

Jim, you know that a hooker with two wigs isn't three women, right?

See, honestly, Dana, I'm running out of gas.

I mean, I think it would probably have been easier if I just did all the

and cleaning myself.

And it's immoral to take advantage of these three women.

You're right, I know.

I could probably get by with just one.

I'll dump the other two.

So who's the lucky lady?

Well, I gotta say, Mary Beth.

You know what they say.

Date vacuuming, but marry carpool.

Lisa, I know this is up to here.

But I think it would be better for the both of us if I vacuumed my own floor.

Did I do something wrong?

Did I not vacuum right? I mean, I could vacuum right now.

With the attachments you like.

No, no, no, no, Lisa.

It's not you, it's me.

Here, here, Lisa.

Please accept these as a token of my appreciation.

Gift certificates from Stevie B's Rib Cafe?

Yeah, they're rib bucks.

They're like real money.

See? Legal, tender, and juicy.

Please, just take them.

I don't understand.

Is someone else taking care of you?

That is hurtful.

I mean, I'd have to be some big creep to let more than one local housewife make

me lasagna.

Please, just take them.

Jim, I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Please don't cry.

Think of this.

We'll always have that time you washed my car.

Well,

you've made me and my family feel very taken care of.

And I just never thought a neighborhood lady could make me feel this way.

Jim, I... I need to get this out.

You've always asked if there's anything else you could do for me.

I don't know. I've been afraid to commit.

But now I... Oh, Jim, are you saying that... Yes.

Will you...

Pick up my kids every day and do all the cooking and cleaning?

Jim, yes, I would love to. I would love to help you. Oh, that is so great. Hey,

let's go celebrate.

Oh, great. That'll be fun. Okay, I'll tell you what we're going to do.

You go out and grab some Chinese takeout, and later you can change the

beds.

Awesome.

Oh, wait a minute. Here, here, here.

Take my car.

Needs an oil change.

Where are the kids?

Oh, uh, Andy's tucking them into bed.

Well, the dishes are all done.

Did you leave any for me to dry?

Oh, you know it's just easier if I do it all myself.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

So, uh, I guess I'll see you in the morning.

Uh, do you want me to tell you what I want for breakfast now, or should I just

hang it outside the door?

Jim, you are such a riot.

Oh, gosh, what a day, huh?

I just need to unwind.

Do what now?

Oh, gosh, I totally didn't tell you. Guess who I ran into today? That Marge

and her stone -faced husband.

What are you doing?

I'm telling you something that happened in my day.

Why? Because I thought you would be interested?

Oh, honey, I see the problem here.

I'm not.

What, so we can't have a conversation about my day?

You know what, that's something I reserved for my wife.

And not only because it's part of the deal.

I mean, I sit here with her and she yammers and yammers on. I have to pinch

myself to stay awake.

But Mary Beth, if I did that with you, I feel like I'd be cheating on Cheryl.

All right, so let me get this straight. You just want me to come over here and

do your dishes and then just go like I'm some kind of maid?

Oh, honey, you're not a maid.

You pay a maid.

I guess I'll get it.

Square jar.

All right, all right, all right. That's enough.

All right. You know what? Cheryl's going to be here in a few days. I'll survive

without you. Why don't you girls just kind of move along? Come on, come on.

Go, go. You are terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell all the moms at the PTA the

same thing. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get out, stay out. And you know what? My kids don't

breakfast in the morning.

Actually, I think I could wait.

Nothing I can't handle for a couple more days.

How you doing? How's your mom?

You know, I hate to tell you this, but rehab is not going as fast as I thought.

What are you saying?

Well, um, I think she's going to need me for another couple weeks at least.

What do you think?

Whatever it takes, honey. She's family.

Oh, honey.

Thank you for being so understanding.

You know what?

Maybe I could call some of the PTA moms and they could help you with, you know,

cooking, cleaning, driving.

Oh, not necessary, baby.

I'm happy to do it all by myself.

What did you do?

You know what? You've got too much in your plate to talk about it now. Come

Tell me about your day.

How's your mom?

Did you have to give her a sponge bath?

Okay.

Okay. That's terrible. A suppository?