All language subtitles for According to Jim s07e03 Safety Last

Mm -hmm.

Put on your sunscreen, bug spray,
helmets if you ride your bike, and knee

if you skateboard.

Mom. Oh, oh, and take water. You have to
stay hydrated. If you're thirsty, it's

already too late.

But, Mom. Look, I don't want to alarm
you girls, but your organs will start

eating me now.

Thank you.

I know. I saw it on the news.

Let's just watch TV.

Okay, don't sit too close.

Cheryl, what a great day.

The sun is shining, my blood is pumping,
and I had just enough toilet paper.

And then, obviously, you replaced the
roll.

No, but I left you the sports section.

Hey,

what are you doing with clothes on?

Jim, it's the law.

No, no, no, where's your running shorts?
You're supposed to be running with me

right now.

Oh, you know, I couldn't sleep last
night, and at 2 o 'clock in the morning,

finally realized what I don't like about
running with you. What's that?

You.

You're just upset because the last time
I beat you up, Troggett Hill.

You tripped me, screamed, eat my dust,
and then you ripped one as you ran

Oh, Jim, on purpose?

Cheryl, when you put the pedal to the
metal, there's gonna be a little

Oh, hey, honey, I got something for your
run. Catch it.

What is it?

It's a UV protection shirt. With all
that running, you're getting way too

sun. No way.

My pits have got to breathe.

the rest of us good lord and that's
before you run oh

stop it listen jim i saw a very scary
news story about the

harmful effects of uv rays please wear
the shirt no way am i wearing the shirt

if you think i'm gonna cover up this
body or this hilarious joke

went running, and I have no idea where
he is.

You're being too nice. Tell him we want
choppers. I want three birds in the air.

Yes, yes. He's wearing shorts and a tank
top that says, um... Just a tank top.

Give me that phone.

Now, you listen to me. You listen to me
good.

My best friend has been missing for over
an hour.

And he's out there, and he's cold and
alone.

It probably scared.

So why don't you stop stuffing your face
with donuts and go earn the money that

comes from my taxes?

Hello? Hello?

Hey, guys. Hey.

Did you find him? Find who?

Jim. Oh, yeah, that's why I went out.

Well, he wasn't at the coffee shop.

Dina.

an hour late. Look, if he's not back by
six, I promise I'll go look for him at

that new Thai place downtown.

Oh, God, why now? Just when our new
rocking chairs are in.

What? I ordered us his and his rocking
chairs for when we retire together.

Custom made. I took a butt impression
off his chair at work.

It's not weird. It's thoughtful.

Hey, guys.

Oh, thank God.

Where the hell have you been? Ben?

What, I ran a couple extra miles? Oh,
you had a scared half to death.

Jim, you're out there with no cell
phone, no ID. For all I know, you could

been lying in a ditch somewhere.

Ditch? Come on, I was on Oak Street.

I saw Dana at the coffee shop.

Was that you?

Baby's useless before she gets her
coffee.

What is going on here? All of a sudden,
you're so worried all the time. I am

not. Yes, you are.

Come on, were you or were you not
checking out my skin last night for

moles?

I'm supposed to do that.

Not during sex.

Jim, I can do two things at once. You
watch the game, I check for moles.

Jill, you're being ridiculous here.

Jim, you have got to carry ID. From now
on, you're taking your wallet with you

when you draw. No way.

There's only room for one bulge in these
shorts.

I'm telling you, your obsession with
safety has got to end, Cheryl. Got to

The world is a dangerous place. No,
Cheryl, your head's a dangerous place.

You know what? You're not 25 anymore.
You turned 50 last year.

Oh, God, she's right, Jim. You're in the
death zone.

Tell me this. What if something does
happen to you when you're out running?

Like what?

Uh, like a stroke or a heart attack, hit
by a car, killer bees, terrorists.

I like to picture you getting head
-butted by a buffalo.

Do you hear yourselves? A buffalo?

It happens, Jim. They escape from these
petting zoos and just run wild.

I've heard that. The kids run out of
those little pellets, then all hell

loose.

Why are you two fanning the flame of
this crazy woman's bonfire?

That reminds me. We've got to check the
smoke alarms. And the family needs an

evacuation plan.

It certainly does.

Eat my dust.

Hey, Cheryl. Hey.

Hey.

What happened to you, honey?

Nothing. I was going to go bike riding,
and my helmet fell off the shelf, and it

hit me in the head.

I am so sorry, baby.

Hope you feel better.

You know, Cheryl, I'm curious.

Did a terrorist push that helmet off the
shelf?

Did a killer bee come down and pick it
up and drop it on her?

No. No.

Hold on. Hold on. What?

Okay, I know you think I'm crazy.

That's a loon.

But I made you an ID card you can jog
with.

Judge Jim already ruled on this. And
President Cheryl vetoed that. And two

-thirds of the Jim Senate overrode it.
You're wearing the card!

Now, look.

I'm just going to pin it right here on
your shirt.

And you're not even going to know it's
there. See?

Okay. You win.

I'll wear your death card.

As long as it doesn't cover up this
hysterical joke.

Ready for our jog?

What the hell are you?

You look like a cross between a
paramedic and a weather balloon.

I'm your personal health commando. You
need water, orange wedge, adrenaline

to the heart?

Did Cheryl put you up to this? Is she
telling you to babysit me?

Cheryl? Heck no.

Jim, she doesn't care like I do.

I have a vision for us in our golden
years, huh?

Rocking on the porch, eating any kind of
soup we want. Do not kill my dream.

You know, Andy, every once in a while I
realize how much you care for me.

And it really freaks me out.

You know what freaks me out? The thought
of singing Dust in the Wind at your

funeral. Come on. But that won't happen
because I got this.

An accordion?

No. Now, the V -Fib 2000.

Portable defibrillator. Now if you go
into cardiac arrest, I'm there for you,

baby.

Do you even know how this thing works,
Andy? Of course I do.

Hold these.

Just hit the charge button.

And as soon as it beeps, you're ready to
go.

You forgot to say clear.

Clear.

Death zone.

Cardiac arrest.

Porch buddies.

That's my future. I'd rather die now.

Nice shirt.

Hilarious.

Thanks, man.

I like that guy.

He gets me.

Take it easy, all right?

There's no reason for anybody to get
their head butted today.

It's okay, honey, you're fine. Let me
tell him, Cheryl. Can I tell him?

You got head -butted by a buffalo!

I totally caused it!

Am I all right? Yeah, yeah, honey,
you're fine. The doctor said you have a

concussion and you'll probably have a
headache for a few days.

Thank God you were carrying that ID
card.

Oh, boy.

Hey, they called me right away. I was
able to tell them your blood type and

your allergies. I mean, I know this is
not the time to gloat, but that card

worked.

This is the headache the doctor was
talking about.

Oh, you're awake.

You know, you really dodged a bullet
with that buffalo.

You're a lucky man.

I know, I know. You know, I always
thought that buffalo attacks would

some other guy.

Not me. I always pictured it happening
to you.

Excuse me, ma 'am. I came in with a tank
top.

Oh, sorry. We had to cut it off you when
you came in.

Thunder down under.

Hilarious.

Thank you.

You know what, Cheryl? This is a real
eye -opener, I gotta admit.

Yeah, who knew there were other people
out there who would find that T -shirt

funny?

I almost died.

The world is dangerous.

I mean, I got away with this one, but
maybe next time I won't be that lucky.

Oh, my God. Where is Andy?

Oh, no.

Don't you die. I'll meet you. Not today.
Andy, I am just fine. What happened? Do

you need an orange wedge? No, I don't
need it. Andy, I don't want that. I

want it. I'm fine. Andy, stop it.

Listen to me.

I got head -butted by a buffalo.

He's delirious. No, no, it really
happened. I'm telling you, Andy, when I

that sucker, my heart almost stopped.

No, not the heart. Everybody stand back.
Andy, Andy, calm down.

What are you doing? Just stop it. Yeah,
do you even know how to use those?

Of course I do.

Hold these.

Just set it on charge.

You wait for it to beep, and then you're
ready to go.

Clear. Oh, dear.

Was I right? Was I right? Oh, yes, you
were right.

Some hot soup, a little blanket on the
lap on a chilly day.

Doesn't get better than this, Andy. It
really doesn't. I was so right.

You were right.

Oh, and thanks for understanding about
the porch.

Are you kidding with the sun and that
global warming? I know. It's a death

sentence out there.

And that buffalo is still on the loose.

Once they've felt a human head against
their own, they can't stop craving it.

And I don't want to go out there anyway.

You know what?

It's like my butt was made for this
rocker.

Actually, that rocker was made for your
butt.

That's not weird, is it?

No.

It's thoughtful.

Thank you.

Here's to our golden years, Andy.

Most guys only get 10 or 15.

We're going to get 40.

Hey, Jim, want to go for a jog?

Where?

Outside? Where the wild animals are?

Well, I figure no guy's going to get
attacked by a buffalo twice.

You're actually the safest person in the
world to jog with.

I'm the safest person in the world
because I'm sitting right here in this

Yeah, what are you two doing?

Enjoying an early retirement and some
very, very nice hot soup.

Oh, look, a piece of ham.

Make sure you chew that.

You know what?

I don't want to take the chance. Just
spit it out in my hand. I'll chew it for

you.

Thank

you,

Andy.

You are my knight in shining armor.

All right, well, I'm out of here.

Eat my dust.

Dang it, I wish I was a man.

Dana went that way.

You think a buffalo can ring the
doorbell?

If it's determined enough.

Let's just ignore it.

I don't know. I got to go. No, I got to
do it. I got to open up the door. Okay,

Jim, Jim, Jim, be careful.

Could be a home invasion.

Use the window.

Looks like a Canadian.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm from animal control. I'm
following up on a buffalo attack.

How do I know this is for real?

What are the odds I guessed you had a
buffalo attack?

You're right.

Come on in.

Hello, officer.

Care for a blanket or some hot soup? I
don't offer the rocking chair, but

for me and my pal here.

Andy, this man is very busy. He's here
on official business. Well, actually, if

that's Navy Bean, I haven't had lunch.

Get the meat and some soup.

So, officer, what can I tell you about
this attack? Well, we need to determine

if the animal's a continuing menace.

Can you come up with a reason why the
buffalo attacked?

Well, I don't know if I can prove it,
but I think my sister -in -law might

put him up to it.

Unlikely.

But a buffalo doesn't attack without a
reason. Are you sure you didn't provoke

him in any way?

Well, not unless he's offended by my
clever T -shirts.

Any sudden movements, loud noises,
anything shiny that could have startled

Oh, you know, it was all kind of hazy.

troggety hill and i got up to the top to
take a breath and i looked up and there

he was okay buddy

I was wearing this I .D. card.

You think this has anything to do with
it? Well, I don't really think that...

Oh, mother of God, stop it!

Don't you know that can enrage a
buffalo?

Really? Of course.

See, a buffalo's eyes are 50 times more
sensitive than a human's.

That's how they see at night.

Isn't that owls?

I'm sorry, but which one of us appeared
on Jay Leno with a marmoset?

You're right, you're right, you're
right. So theoretically, then, if

wasn't wearing this, they'd be safer.

You know, if I didn't know any better,
I'd say that the person who gave you

card was trying to kill you.

Jim, would you stop that?

Stop what, Cheryl?

Flashing me with that card.

Why? Does it enrage you?

Does it make you want to headbutt me
and...

Give me a concussion?

A little.

Well, that's how a buffalo feels.

Fine. It's my fault the buffalo attacked
you.

Okay. I know this is no time to gloat.

Wait a minute. It is time to gloat.
Gloat, gloat, gloat, gloat, gloat,

gloat. Knock it off. Cheryl, this death
card almost killed me.

We've got to realize that crazy things
happen in our life, and no amount of

sunscreen or helmets or spray or IDs is
going to change that. Jim, you have to

think about the worst -case scenario.

I am living the worst -case scenario.

You've got me so sucked up into your
safety bubble that I'm afraid of

everything. Fine, fine. I admit, I may
have gone a little overboard lately. A

little overboard, Cheryl? Come on, you
went way overboard.

Just tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.
Please tell me what is going on with

you.

That's not true, Cheryl, because, I
mean, usually you're just normal crazy

But lately, you've been, like, on the
view, crazy lady.

Really. Jim.

You've been nuts. You've been paranoid.
You've been on me. Okay, okay, okay.

You know what it is?

What?

It's just... My life is so perfect right
now.

I got a husband who loves me. I've got
three great kids. And sometimes I wake

in the middle of the night and I just
think...

This can't last.

It's like the other shoe is going to
drop.

Oh, baby.

I know what your problem is.

What?

I've given you too good of a life.

I'm going to have to pull back in a
little.

No,

I know we do. We have a perfect life. I
know. And I really think it's sweet that

you and your brother want to grow old
with you.

But you're right. You know, I got to
admit, I think the same things.

Not as much as you do, but I think about
kind of what if something happened to

our precious little family. Exactly.

Exactly. How do you deal with it?

Well, easy. I exercise.

I yell at the TV a lot.

And I hit your brother.

I really got to give that a try.

I just don't dwell on it.

And the more time you spend worrying...

The less time we have to live our life.

You're right.

I promise I'll back off.

Oh, Cheryl.

That's never going to happen.

So this is what I did.

What? I went down to my T -shirt guy.

I made something for you.

Yeah, you're right, Jim. I feel so much
better. Right, right.

Hold on.

Check this out.

What do you think?

What do you think?

I think I love you.

You do, do you? I do.

Well, then, what do you say you and I
smooch on the couch here a little bit?

The kids are playing right in the
backyard. I know, but from now on, we're

to live dangerously.