Original subtitles

Oh, that's a great idea, Jim. Right?

If you watch a video of the first half of the Super Bowl twice, it's like the

Bears win.

Hey, give me one of those chips.

Oh, sorry, I just finished them.

That was the last bag in the house.

Sorry. Go get some more. Get them.

Here you go.

Thanks, buddy.

Got any pretzels in there?

Oh, no, let me check.

Oh, baby.

Hey, what's all this?

Mom said...

With the good plates?

All right, what's going on? Did I forget something?

Mom's making a piece for a king because she says you're our king.

Really? No, just kidding. What?

It's your anniversary.

You forgot.

Oh, crap.

Just kidding. What?

These plates are for strangers?

Okay, you didn't see me. I'm not here. I'll see you next week.

the candlesticks out of the pantry?

What's going on here, honey?

It's Saturday night. It's our dinner party club.

Dinner party club?

What the hell is a dinner party club?

I told you about this. Could you please just decant the wine?

Even if I knew what that word meant, I wouldn't do it.

What's going on here?

Okay. Ten people from the neighborhood.

Once a month, we're going to get together and have dinner at someone's

Cheryl, I do not remember hearing about this.

Well, we talked about it when we were watching the football game.

All right, right, right. What football game was that again?

Bears and Lions.

Yeah. All right, great game.

Uh -huh. What was the score?

Five to four. Ha -ha!

You never told me. You lied.

That is crazy.

Why would I... Why would I do that? Because you know if you told me, I would

have said no, which I'm saying right now. No!

It's too late.

This is happening.

Go upstairs.

Your suit and tie are on the bed. Fine, I'll put my suit under there and I'll

hang myself with a tie.

Come on.

I just want to be a part of our neighborhood.

Why? So we can have friends.

Why?

This is crazy.

Why can't you just appreciate what I do for us? Because...

Taking something that I love, dinner, and ruining it with something I hate,

people.

There isn't a man in this world that would appreciate something like this.

Only two hours till dinner party, club!

I hate that you get to leave.

Hey, wait a minute, listen.

What if I slipped you 20 bucks and you got sick?

That way mom would cancel the shindig.

eating nuggets and watching Planet of the Apes.

Dinner party club.

That sucks.

I'd like to meet the moron who invented women.

Hello, Jim.

Hey, buddy.

Party doesn't start for a couple hours, okay?

And no one sits in my chair.

I'm God.

You're still in my chair.

Yeah, real comfy, too.

So, you wanted to meet me?

Yes. I always have wanted to meet you. I got a couple questions for you. One is

the Cubs, 100 years.

Come on, man.

Are the Cubs ever going to win the World Series?

Sure they'll win. Yes!

Just not in my lifetime.

What did they ever do to you?

Well, for one thing, you called me a moron.

When did they do that?

Sure would like to meet the moron who invented women.

I'm a handsome, handsome man.

You did a good job there, guy.

I gotta tell you, though, Jim, I've been listening to you complain about women

for years, and I'm sick of it. Oh, come on, what are you gonna do, smite me?

Do you know what smite means?

Yeah.

Like, pinch?

No, I'm not here to smite you. I'm here to give you a chance. You think you can

do a better job with women?

Uh, yeah.

Okay. They're all yours.

I hereby grant you my powers to change all of womankind.

Beginning now.

That's it?

That's your thing? You just snap?

You just remember. You change one woman, you change them all. Forever.

Giant boobs on all of them!

Jim, what's up?

Oh, I am glad you're here.

God gave me a special assignment to redesign women any way I wanted.

Big boobs on all of them.

We're talking about all women.

Oh, God, Mom.

All right, let me... Wait a minute. You just believe what I had to say here?

About God? I mean, no questions asked?

Jim. I went with you to Minnesota to catch a magical giant fish.

Where you go, I will follow.

What do you have so far? Well, I got all the bad stuff I'm cutting.

Like emotions. Get rid of all those.

Get rid of all the crazy ideas.

Their pickiness about who they'll sleep with.

Yes.

And the talking. The talking.

Yeah,

yeah. Get rid of all the talking.

You know what? I think it's better if women were more like men.

That's still with the boobs, right?

No, I'm going to get rid of the one thing that does work.

So, how do you make your will be known? Easy, just like this.

Let women be like men.

What's up, losers?

You're not watching the game?

Oh, we forgot it was on.

Losers.

You go over, butt wife.

Yeah, let's watch the game.

40 bucks as he hits his free throw.

Jim, it's like she's a man.

Jim, it's like he's an idiot.

Who wants a beer?

What is that, like a cooler?

Cooler and you, butt wipe.

Do not go into that bathroom.

I just made room for dinner and maybe breakfast tomorrow.

What's up, butt wipe?

Hey, I'll tell you what's up. The stupid dinner party club thing you got planned

for tonight.

I know, right?

Guess what I agreed to that. I am such a horse's ass that time of the month. Oh,

seriously.

Wish we could do away with that.

Oof. Done.

Now there'll only be three periods, all of them in hockey.

Hey, I'll tell you what we'll do.

When the guests show up, we give them a turkey leg, a beer, and a map home. Oh,

yeah.

I just love you.

Yeah? If you really love me, you'll take me upstairs and knock one out before

sports center starts.

You got five minutes. Knock one out and take a three -minute nap.

I know, right?

I'm gonna move on.

Make her say my name, buddy.

I'm done.

You know, I don't have a watch, but I think I just said a new record.

Actually, I... I didn't finish.

Aww.

I'll owe you one.

But in the meantime...

Please accept this lovely parting gift.

Okay.

In a fair fight, you versus Superman.

Me? Totally, totally.

A little tougher.

You versus Chuck Norris.

Still me.

You versus Oprah?

I knew it!

Hey, Jim, guess what? God's scared of Oprah.

I'm not scared, just respectful.

Hey, you knew this was gonna happen. You knew I was gonna mess up.

How would I know that, Jim? I'm a moron.

Look, I don't want to fight you, okay? Smart move.

If he can take Norris, he can take you.

Look, I just want you to change women back to the way they were.

So, if we all agree that I got women right the first time, I'm out of here.

you take care of yourself.

I won't see you for a long while.

Andy, smoke them if you got them.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You gotta give me one more chance here. Do you? What about me?

I'm a short timer. How does it happen? Am I in the throes of passion?

That depends on how much you like cheesecake.

I do love it, so... Wait a minute.

You've got to give me another chance. I get three wishes or three chances, don't

I? Oh, that's genies and leprechauns. I don't work that way.

Are you afraid if you give me another shot at it that I might do a better job

than you? What's your step, son?

I won't hesitate to go Old Testament on your behind.

Okay, okay, God. I think what Jim's trying to say is, you know, for

years, men and women have been at each other's throats.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, come on, you gave Noah 40 days to build that zoo.

Why can't you give me one more shot?

I'm still waiting for an idea.

Well, um, okay.

Hey, we had women being more like men.

Maybe men should be more like women.

That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard.

And besides, I got a million things to do right now before the dinner party.

And I'm going to have to do it all by myself. And of course, I'll get no one

thank me. Oh, my God, you just changed me into a woman.

God.

I would kill for that metabolism.

So, what do you think?

Huh? Do you like it?

With the shoes? Are you sure? Because I got others.

Thank you.

What's wrong, Andy?

Nothing.

Come on, something's wrong.

Well, it's just that you told Dana how thin she was, but you didn't say

about me.

Did you lose weight?

Two pounds.

It's a start.

Yes, very good, very good.

Your risotto smells fantastic. Hey, just don't make it too salty because, you

know, when the Ferguson served it, it was a bit much.

What did somebody tell me?

Jim, I am not serving something that's been served already. I would rather die.

Oh, okay, let's not panic.

We don't have risotto. We have plenty of rosemary chicken.

Yes, because I cared enough to make two main dishes.

Thank you for noticing.

I appreciate that you made chicken.

It doesn't count if I have to ask you to say it.

Well, just don't try out that chicken like Sally Dickerson did when she served

it. Yeah.

Sally Dickerson?

Sally Flippin! Dickerson?

Honey, would you just relax?

Do not tell me to relax!

I'm just saying, we can fix this.

his mom.

I mean, she says our marriage doesn't matter and she hates me.

Oh God, I gotta go.

Is that the day, Alice?

Yes.

I just don't like this being a woman anymore.

I want to be a man again and now my eyes are going to be all red for the dinner

party.

Are you saying you want me to change you back?

Yes.

Make me the insensitive man that I was.

More so if you can.

Pull my finger.

Welcome back, Jim.

I know you've had a long day, but I hope you're ready to admit that men and

women are perfect just the way I made them. What, are you crazy?

Come on.

When we're hot, they're cold.

When they're cold, we're hot.

I mean, they think the Three Stooges are stupid. We wish there were four.

I mean, they like foreplay. We like play.

Come on.

That's all part of my plan, Jim.

Plan?

You know what? I don't think you have a plan. I think you're just winging it,

baby.

I mean, come on. Putting church and football on Sunday at the same time?

I mean, you're losing half your audience.

Fine. No more football. No, no, not the fingers. Not the fingers.

Come on, man.

I love seeing you so miserable.

Shut up and give me a kebab.

It's not hot.

Hotter than you, butt wipe.

Have you had Cheryl's shrimp wrapped in bacon?

I gotta tell you, I've made a lot of mistakes, but bacon ain't one of them.

doing here?

I figure I put you through the ringer today, Jim.

So to make things square, how about I guarantee you enjoy the rest of this

party? Look, I don't want you to think that I don't have faith, because you did

create puppies and rainbows and push -up bras.

But there is nothing that you can do to make me enjoy this.

Trust me on this one, Jim. Just relax and enjoy yourself.

Okay. I relax and enjoy myself.

And easy on that shrimp, it's 16 bucks a pound.

Hey, Jim, good to see you. What are you doing here? I didn't know you were

invited. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, huh? I brought your favorite beer.

Gopher Huff?

When you go for beer, Gopher Huff!

Oh, hey, Jim.

Oh, hi, Mary Beth. Hey, come with me. I want to introduce you to my husband. I

think you two would totally hit it off. What makes you think that?

Well, he worked for the Cubs.

Oh, heavens.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, great.

We're wearing the same thing. Thanks a lot, Jim. Andy, settle down. Why didn't

you call me? We're not girls anymore. God changed us.

It's still a disaster.

Are you sure you can't stay a little while longer? All right.

Thank you so much for coming.

And Willie, thank you so much for the Heimlich. It came just in time.

To your food.

Yes.

Thank you. Thank you for that. Sorry.

Hey, the man of the hour.

Look at you. I'm so glad to see you. Take my chair. You deserve it. Oh, thank

you, Jim. I hadn't been so moved since Beyonce thanked me for her American

Award.

Well, I...

I don't know what it was, but it worked because I had a great time tonight.

I'll tell you exactly what I did. Nothing.

What do you mean nothing? I saw you do the finger thing.

Left hand doesn't count. Right hand throws the thunder.

You know, tonight all I did was tell you to relax and enjoy yourself, and you

did.

You lied to me. God, God, you lied to me. Big deal.

I just inspired you to find a higher truth.

Oh, that's a good one. I'm going to use that with Cheryl.

Once you've got a positive attitude, everything got better.

Maybe you ought to try that more often.

You'd find fewer things to get mad about.

You know what? If I needed a sermon, I'd go to church.

I know you like complaining about women, but I think what makes them different

is what makes them great.

Plus the boobs.

Better than bacon.

Hey, one more question.

The Cubs World Series before I die?

Oh, come on, Jim.

One miracle at a time.

What the hell got into you tonight?

What do you mean?

Uh, you were charming. You were cheerful.

You didn't fight with anyone.

You didn't even pass the hat to cover expenses.

Well, honey, you know what?

I had a good time.

Thank you. Oh, don't thank me.

Thank the big man upstairs.

Andy's still here?

No, no.

No, no, no, honey.

You know what? I want to tell you something.

I just want you to know that I really appreciate everything you do.

Even these stupid little dinner parties.

Oh.

And I was thinking, you know what?

For years, people have come up to me and asked me how I ended up with you.

And I get that.

But I finally figured out why I was so lucky.

The Lord worked in a furious way.

Well,

count on more of that in the future.

Do you want to join me tomorrow for some shoe shopping at the outlet mall?

Oh, Cheryl.

One miracle at a time.