Original subtitles

Oh, boober bottle.

Bottle.

Oh, thank God.

So, how you doing?

I'm exhausted, my back hurts, and my life has been reduced to milk and poo

What was it before, white wine and poo -poo?

Stop complaining.

You know, I'm tired of hearing about how I'm no fun anymore.

Well, you're not any fun anymore. Remember we used to kind of go at it all

time? What happened to your spark?

Well, I guess it's gone.

Can you hold the baby for a second?

Now, I'm getting some snacks here. Hold on one second. I need you to hold the

baby now!

Hey,

what's going on down here?

Oh, Jim's just helping me get my spark back.

Well, he needs to be changed.

Oh. Well, what do you expect?

She scared me to death.

His little mouth opens when he breathes.

I want to go to bed.

You'd rather go to bed early than watch this tiny miracle?

Unless there's some paint we can watch dry.

Another night, I'll never get back.

Well, your mommy will never get tired of looking at you.

lovely evening. No, I think the evening was ruined when you thought, I know,

I'll take Jim to a musical where cats are singing.

You didn't even give it a chance.

What are you talking about?

You booed during the first song.

I had a little logic problem.

Cats were singing.

It's a musical.

You're a musical.

Would it make more sense to you if a cat sung it?

You know what?

800 people gave it a standing ovation. They were applauding because it was over

and they were standing because they were excited to leave.

So Jim didn't like cats. Who could have possibly seen that coming?

You know what?

This is all your fault. If you hadn't gotten pregnant, we'd be in the bar at

Drake Hotel right now talking about what a fabulous show it was and getting hit

on by Japanese businessmen.

You know what, Dana? This is all your fault.

If you didn't get pregnant, I'd be at CBB's right now talking with Indy about

how great the game is and flirting with the Japanese waitresses.

All right, you know what? You two can find another babysitter for the next six

musicals.

Six musicals?

Six more musicals? It's a series!

Uh -huh.

You know, we saved $10 by buying the whole package.

Oh!

Oh, Cheryl.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I will go to one more musical with you. I want to go to the one that's entitled

No Frickin' Way!

No way am I going to six more musicals!

Cheryl, just because Dana's got a little baby doesn't mean you can turn me into

your girlfriend.

I don't want to make you into my girlfriend.

Yes, you do. No! You take me to musicals. And then at halftime, you want

gossip about all the people around.

Intermission. Intermission, halftime, it doesn't matter. Then you want to talk

about it again on the way home.

Oh, God, did you see her? Oh, her hair. Oh, that hat.

Come on.

That's not me, honey. That's not me.

It's so crazy that I want to go to a gallery or a musical or go shopping.

It's just crazy that you'd think I'd want to do that with you, Cheryl.

Just stay here with you in your cave until Dana's kids grow up.

You know what you need?

You need a gay friend.

Come on.

No, that's what you need. Seriously, a gay friend would be perfect for you. You

guys could chat on the phone about movies and book reviews, and then you

could watch that show... Grey's Anatomy. Grey's Anatomy.

You could watch it together.

That would be really great.

Don't you think?

Where am I going to meet a gay guy?

At a musical.

You know what? We should have had this conversation at halftime.

Intermission.

Come on.

What do you think?

I can get you a gay guy.

I can find you a gay guy. They're all over the place.

Oh, come on. What gay guy is going to want to hang out with a boring suburban

housewife? You know who thinks like that?

People who don't believe that cats can sing.

No freaking way.

No freaking way.

I'll find you a gay.

You'd be so happy that I'll be dancing like a cat.

may not like what you... Whoa!

Those guys are more than friends.

Look at you two on a Friday morning.

Hi, Gern. How are you? Hey.

You bring by those tile samples?

Yes, I did.

But I don't think they can compete with what you were just looking at.

Totally his idea.

Yeah. Just trying to find a way to help my marriage.

Sure.

You know what? Just call me with your tile choices.

Personally, I think the Italian mosaic is fantastico.

Hey, Kurt's an interior designer. I see where you're going. He's in a creative

business. He might know a gay.

Kurt!

Kurt, maybe you can help me out.

I'm looking for a guy to do things with my wife that I don't want to do.

Whoa!

You can put an ad on Craigslist like everybody else, okay?

Besides, I'm gay, too.

Two? Oh, you thought!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no.

That does make more sense.

I mean, I've never gotten a gay vibe from Jim before.

You know what?

Do you like musicals? Because maybe you can help me out. My wife wants me to go

to musicals, and I just don't want to go to them.

Oh, I adore musicals.

Your wife actually thought a man like you would enjoy them?

Yeah.

Women. What are you going to do with them?

Uh, not much.

That's pretty good.

Come on, Cheryl, hurry up.

Gay guys are always on time.

All right, all right, all right. What do you think of outfit number eight?

Better.

But can you do something with the hair?

What?

It's just so Melrose Place.

Okay, just calm down. Be cool, be cool, be cool. Be cool!

Cool, cool, cool.

Cool.

Hey.

You have any trouble finding the place?

No. The rainbow flag and the pink balloons on your mailbox really help.

Well, you are welcome here, sir. Please come in.

You must be Cheryl.

Hi. Bert, it is so nice to meet you.

Wow. Oh.

I have to say, based on Jim, I was expecting someone a little sturdier.

Look at you. You're gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

I picked out the outfit.

I'm assuming that you haven't been to a restaurant without a cowboy in the logo

in some time.

So what do you say to... I say yes. I say yes, yes, yes, wherever it is. Take

there. Oh, oh, and after the theater, can we please go for cupcakes and

There's candy.

We are going to have

fun tonight. Oh, I know.

Wait, how is it that a girl like you doesn't already have a gay friend?

Oh, well, you know, I've got three kids and I volunteer a lot. I figured once

the kids were older, I'd pursue it.

You didn't get that joke, did you? Nope.

And tonight, I don't have to.

All right, have a good time.

Hey, Kurt, you bring her home after midnight. You can keep the pink

Okay, on the 15th, Kurt and I are going to an art opening at the Jackson

Gallery. Perfect. And Andy and I will stay at home and watch the Blues

Okay, and on the 18th, we're going to the Arboretum for the Festival of

That's perfect. Andy and I will stay at home and watch the Festival of Ladies

Volleyball.

Great. I'm going to call Kurt and lock in those plans.

Be sure to say hi.

You've got it made since Cheryl hooked up with Kurt. Yeah, you know what?

I should have got her a boyfriend the day we got married.

No, damn it! Why?

What? What?

The dream is dead. The dream is dead.

What happened?

Oh, Kurt just texted me. He's canceling all our plans.

up with him.

Boyfriend? Pretty gay.

So, I'm sorry, Jim. It looks like it's you and me back at the musical.

No, no, no.

I fixed this problem. I don't want to go back.

Where's Kurt right now?

Drowning in stars at Stefan B's.

Well, maybe you don't want to fight for your man, but I will.

Andy, come on. We're going to a gay bar.

Well, let me put on my special tight pants.

I don't like paying for my own drinks. Oh, come on.

Oh,

wow.

Look at these fancy menus, huh?

Stefan Beef Tapas Cafe. Oh, I love tapas. The gays have everything.

They got 11 different kinds of martinis.

Hey, look at this.

One's called Pants Explosion.

When he has to bartender how he makes a pants explosion.

Excuse me, sir. I was wondering... Hey, that's not on the menu.

Hey, there's Kurt right there.

What are you guys doing here? Oh, Cheryl told us you were here. She said you got

dumped.

And you know what?

Maybe something will make you less miserable.

Like two tickets to less miserables?

I'm too depressed to go to a musical.

Too depressed to go to a musical? And you call yourself gay?

Hey, what are these?

Oh, wasabi soy nuts. They're highly addictive.

Oh, my God, Jim. They're delicious.

Yeah. That's it. I'm signing up. Hey, guys. Guys. I'm in.

Listen, man, you can't just give up like this. You got to figure something out.

Hey, why don't we find another guy for you?

All right, why don't we try that? Maybe it'll make the other guy jealous and

he'll come running back.

Jim, please.

I know everybody here and so does my ex.

Well, how about Andy?

He's cute and cuddly and he's kind of curious about your world.

Jim, how do I say this tactfully?

I want Daryl to be jealous, not amused.

I want to say, look how well I'm doing, not look what you've reduced me to.

I want to say success. Yeah, yeah, we get it.

I ain't come to a gay bar to get rejected. I can get that at any bar.

Excuse me?

The gentleman at the bar would like to offer you an undersea adventure.

Oh, please tell me that's a drink.

There is one kind of guy that would make Daryl crazy with jealousy.

Policeman?

Cowboy?

Indian chief?

Actually, it would be construction worker.

Stop laughing, Cheryl.

What is so damn funny?

Okay, okay, okay. Let me get this straight.

To get out of going to a musical?

You got yourself a boyfriend?

No, I didn't, and I'm not doing it.

Oh, come on. Why not?

It's just a date. It's a night out with a friend.

Where I'm gay?

Not actually gay.

Pretending to be gay. Hey, just don't let him get past second base.

Sarah, I don't think the gays have second base.

Once you pick up the bat, it's a home run.

Look, this can get hurt back in our lives. Is it really that bad?

Cheryl, yes, it is.

I mean, you may not know this, but I am one hot piece of man candy.

I am.

If I go there, they're going to all hit on me. One guy already did hit on me,

and he was married.

That made me feel like a piece of meat.

You like getting hit on.

By women, not men.

With men, it's one thing.

Wham, bam, thank you, Sam.

What if I came along to protect you? I don't know.

Yeah, yeah. I can show you ways to sort of deal with men.

Like how?

Well, like the flip and slide.

I think that's what they want to do with me.

No, Jim, it's a way to get away from a creep in a bar.

Flip into the crowd and slide away.

Flip into the crowd and slide away.

And then...

If they go to kiss you, chicken neck.

You're just describing the night we met.

Slip and slap.

I don't know, Cheryl. Are we sure he can pull this off?

I think so. I told him to have a couple drinks and relax.

That's what we tell all the first -timers.

Hey, girlfriend.

I am so sorry I am late.

I mean, it took me forever to find a parking meter with time still on it.

What's the matter? I can't be gay and cheap, too?

Talk to your own date. She's mine.

Oh, right, right, right, right. Oh, I see Daryl.

Oh, oh, okay. Remember.

You met at yoga class. You have an all -gay construction company. And you're

thinking of adopting a refugee baby.

Okay, got it.

Does the baby know I'm gay?

Well, hello, stranger.

Oh, Daryl, oh, my God. I didn't even know you'd be here.

And who's this charming bear of a man?

Where are my manners?

Daryl, this is my friend Jim.

Enchante.

And these are my two friends Cheryl and Dana. They're both...

wickedly awesome lesbians.

Daryl, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

What's up?

Well, see you around.

Well, that was a disaster.

Well, don't blame me. I bent over backwards.

Maybe that was the wrong direction.

There's just no heat between us, Jim. No... Look, I can do gay. I can't do

Zazazoo.

SportsCenter's on.

DeFonti's becomes Club Mandemonium.

What the hell?

This is perfect.

They're playing our song.

They're going to go crazy.

What? Hey,

hey, hey, hey, you get up a little higher there.

Fantastic. Here comes Daryl. Oh, God.

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I cut in? No, please do.

Whatever he did to get you, I'll do it better.

Flip and slide.

Flip and slide.

Flip and slide.

All right, Kurt.

That's enough. Tell me what's going on.

What do you mean?

Oh, please.

I have the best straight dar in town.

He's not gay. She's not gay.

Her maybe.

Yes, I nailed it.

Well, if we're done here, I got breast milk to pump.

I'm so embarrassed.

I brought Jim here to make you jealous.

I'd do anything to get you back.

And it's you too.

Oh, come on.

Can't you guys work it out?

Not until Kurt learns to compromise.

Oh, don't bring up the stupid fight.

I have season tickets to the Cubs, and he won't go to a single game. You

It takes two to compromise, Daryl.

Well, they're right behind the Cubs dugout.

You know what you need?

You need a straight friend.

Yeah, why don't we go to the Cubs games and let Kurt and Cheryl go to the

musicals? That is a great idea.

Not great.

Fabulous!

Well, I guess we could try that.

Yes!

Maybe it is asking too much of you to like baseball.

Did you hear that, Cheryl?

I just helped two gay men find, you know, whatever it is they have with each

other.

I think that deserves a kiss.

Chicken man.

Out.

Come on.

Yep, completely gay.

And mother won't let me have my trust fund until the right girl can turn me

back.

Does she have to be born a woman?

What mama don't know won't hurt her.