All language subtitles for According to Jim s06e17 Any Man of Mine

Oh, boober bottle.

Bottle.

Oh, thank God.

So, how you doing?

I'm exhausted, my back hurts, and my
life has been reduced to milk and poo

What was it before, white wine and poo
-poo?

Stop complaining.

You know, I'm tired of hearing about how
I'm no fun anymore.

Well, you're not any fun anymore.
Remember we used to kind of go at it all

time? What happened to your spark?

Well, I guess it's gone.

Can you hold the baby for a second?

Now, I'm getting some snacks here. Hold
on one second. I need you to hold the

baby now!

Hey,

what's going on down here?

Oh, Jim's just helping me get my spark
back.

Well, he needs to be changed.

Oh. Well, what do you expect?

She scared me to death.

His little mouth opens when he breathes.

I want to go to bed.

You'd rather go to bed early than watch
this tiny miracle?

Unless there's some paint we can watch
dry.

Another night, I'll never get back.

Well, your mommy will never get tired of
looking at you.

lovely evening. No, I think the evening
was ruined when you thought, I know,

I'll take Jim to a musical where cats
are singing.

You didn't even give it a chance.

What are you talking about?

You booed during the first song.

I had a little logic problem.

Cats were singing.

It's a musical.

You're a musical.

Would it make more sense to you if a cat
sung it?

You know what?

800 people gave it a standing ovation.
They were applauding because it was over

and they were standing because they were
excited to leave.

So Jim didn't like cats. Who could have
possibly seen that coming?

You know what?

This is all your fault. If you hadn't
gotten pregnant, we'd be in the bar at

Drake Hotel right now talking about what
a fabulous show it was and getting hit

on by Japanese businessmen.

You know what, Dana? This is all your
fault.

If you didn't get pregnant, I'd be at
CBB's right now talking with Indy about

how great the game is and flirting with
the Japanese waitresses.

All right, you know what? You two can
find another babysitter for the next six

musicals.

Six musicals?

Six more musicals? It's a series!

Uh -huh.

You know, we saved $10 by buying the
whole package.

Oh!

Oh, Cheryl.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I will go to one more musical with you.
I want to go to the one that's entitled

No Frickin' Way!

No way am I going to six more musicals!

Cheryl, just because Dana's got a little
baby doesn't mean you can turn me into

your girlfriend.

I don't want to make you into my
girlfriend.

Yes, you do. No! You take me to
musicals. And then at halftime, you want

gossip about all the people around.

Intermission. Intermission, halftime, it
doesn't matter. Then you want to talk

about it again on the way home.

Oh, God, did you see her? Oh, her hair.
Oh, that hat.

Come on.

That's not me, honey. That's not me.

It's so crazy that I want to go to a
gallery or a musical or go shopping.

It's just crazy that you'd think I'd
want to do that with you, Cheryl.

Just stay here with you in your cave
until Dana's kids grow up.

You know what you need?

You need a gay friend.

Come on.

No, that's what you need. Seriously, a
gay friend would be perfect for you. You

guys could chat on the phone about
movies and book reviews, and then you

could watch that show... Grey's Anatomy.
Grey's Anatomy.

You could watch it together.

That would be really great.

Don't you think?

Where am I going to meet a gay guy?

At a musical.

You know what? We should have had this
conversation at halftime.

Intermission.

Come on.

What do you think?

I can get you a gay guy.

I can find you a gay guy. They're all
over the place.

Oh, come on. What gay guy is going to
want to hang out with a boring suburban

housewife? You know who thinks like
that?

People who don't believe that cats can
sing.

No freaking way.

No freaking way.

I'll find you a gay.

You'd be so happy that I'll be dancing
like a cat.

may not like what you... Whoa!

Those guys are more than friends.

Look at you two on a Friday morning.

Hi, Gern. How are you? Hey.

You bring by those tile samples?

Yes, I did.

But I don't think they can compete with
what you were just looking at.

Totally his idea.

Yeah. Just trying to find a way to help
my marriage.

Sure.

You know what? Just call me with your
tile choices.

Personally, I think the Italian mosaic
is fantastico.

Hey, Kurt's an interior designer. I see
where you're going. He's in a creative

business. He might know a gay.

Kurt!

Kurt, maybe you can help me out.

I'm looking for a guy to do things with
my wife that I don't want to do.

Whoa!

You can put an ad on Craigslist like
everybody else, okay?

Besides, I'm gay, too.

Two? Oh, you thought!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, no.

That does make more sense.

I mean, I've never gotten a gay vibe
from Jim before.

You know what?

Do you like musicals? Because maybe you
can help me out. My wife wants me to go

to musicals, and I just don't want to go
to them.

Oh, I adore musicals.

Your wife actually thought a man like
you would enjoy them?

Yeah.

Women. What are you going to do with
them?

Uh, not much.

That's pretty good.

Come on, Cheryl, hurry up.

Gay guys are always on time.

All right, all right, all right. What do
you think of outfit number eight?

Better.

But can you do something with the hair?

What?

It's just so Melrose Place.

Okay, just calm down. Be cool, be cool,
be cool. Be cool!

Cool, cool, cool.

Cool.

Hey.

You have any trouble finding the place?

No. The rainbow flag and the pink
balloons on your mailbox really help.

Well, you are welcome here, sir. Please
come in.

You must be Cheryl.

Hi. Bert, it is so nice to meet you.

Wow. Oh.

I have to say, based on Jim, I was
expecting someone a little sturdier.

Look at you. You're gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

I picked out the outfit.

I'm assuming that you haven't been to a
restaurant without a cowboy in the logo

in some time.

So what do you say to... I say yes. I
say yes, yes, yes, wherever it is. Take

there. Oh, oh, and after the theater,
can we please go for cupcakes and

There's candy.

We are going to have

fun tonight. Oh, I know.

Wait, how is it that a girl like you
doesn't already have a gay friend?

Oh, well, you know, I've got three kids
and I volunteer a lot. I figured once

the kids were older, I'd pursue it.

You didn't get that joke, did you? Nope.

And tonight, I don't have to.

All right, have a good time.

Hey, Kurt, you bring her home after
midnight. You can keep the pink

Okay, on the 15th, Kurt and I are going
to an art opening at the Jackson

Gallery. Perfect. And Andy and I will
stay at home and watch the Blues

Okay, and on the 18th, we're going to
the Arboretum for the Festival of

That's perfect. Andy and I will stay at
home and watch the Festival of Ladies

Volleyball.

Great. I'm going to call Kurt and lock
in those plans.

Be sure to say hi.

You've got it made since Cheryl hooked
up with Kurt. Yeah, you know what?

I should have got her a boyfriend the
day we got married.

No, damn it! Why?

What? What?

The dream is dead. The dream is dead.

What happened?

Oh, Kurt just texted me. He's canceling
all our plans.

up with him.

Boyfriend? Pretty gay.

So, I'm sorry, Jim. It looks like it's
you and me back at the musical.

No, no, no.

I fixed this problem. I don't want to go
back.

Where's Kurt right now?

Drowning in stars at Stefan B's.

Well, maybe you don't want to fight for
your man, but I will.

Andy, come on. We're going to a gay bar.

Well, let me put on my special tight
pants.

I don't like paying for my own drinks.
Oh, come on.

Oh,

wow.

Look at these fancy menus, huh?

Stefan Beef Tapas Cafe. Oh, I love
tapas. The gays have everything.

They got 11 different kinds of martinis.

Hey, look at this.

One's called Pants Explosion.

When he has to bartender how he makes a
pants explosion.

Excuse me, sir. I was wondering... Hey,
that's not on the menu.

Hey, there's Kurt right there.

What are you guys doing here? Oh, Cheryl
told us you were here. She said you got

dumped.

And you know what?

Maybe something will make you less
miserable.

Like two tickets to less miserables?

I'm too depressed to go to a musical.

Too depressed to go to a musical? And
you call yourself gay?

Hey, what are these?

Oh, wasabi soy nuts. They're highly
addictive.

Oh, my God, Jim. They're delicious.

Yeah. That's it. I'm signing up. Hey,
guys. Guys. I'm in.

Listen, man, you can't just give up like
this. You got to figure something out.

Hey, why don't we find another guy for
you?

All right, why don't we try that? Maybe
it'll make the other guy jealous and

he'll come running back.

Jim, please.

I know everybody here and so does my ex.

Well, how about Andy?

He's cute and cuddly and he's kind of
curious about your world.

Jim, how do I say this tactfully?

I want Daryl to be jealous, not amused.

I want to say, look how well I'm doing,
not look what you've reduced me to.

I want to say success. Yeah, yeah, we
get it.

I ain't come to a gay bar to get
rejected. I can get that at any bar.

Excuse me?

The gentleman at the bar would like to
offer you an undersea adventure.

Oh, please tell me that's a drink.

There is one kind of guy that would make
Daryl crazy with jealousy.

Policeman?

Cowboy?

Indian chief?

Actually, it would be construction
worker.

Stop laughing, Cheryl.

What is so damn funny?

Okay, okay, okay. Let me get this
straight.

To get out of going to a musical?

You got yourself a boyfriend?

No, I didn't, and I'm not doing it.

Oh, come on. Why not?

It's just a date. It's a night out with
a friend.

Where I'm gay?

Not actually gay.

Pretending to be gay. Hey, just don't
let him get past second base.

Sarah, I don't think the gays have
second base.

Once you pick up the bat, it's a home
run.

Look, this can get hurt back in our
lives. Is it really that bad?

Cheryl, yes, it is.

I mean, you may not know this, but I am
one hot piece of man candy.

I am.

If I go there, they're going to all hit
on me. One guy already did hit on me,

and he was married.

That made me feel like a piece of meat.

You like getting hit on.

By women, not men.

With men, it's one thing.

Wham, bam, thank you, Sam.

What if I came along to protect you? I
don't know.

Yeah, yeah. I can show you ways to sort
of deal with men.

Like how?

Well, like the flip and slide.

I think that's what they want to do with
me.

No, Jim, it's a way to get away from a
creep in a bar.

Flip into the crowd and slide away.

Flip into the crowd and slide away.

And then...

If they go to kiss you, chicken neck.

You're just describing the night we met.

Slip and slap.

I don't know, Cheryl. Are we sure he can
pull this off?

I think so. I told him to have a couple
drinks and relax.

That's what we tell all the first
-timers.

Hey, girlfriend.

I am so sorry I am late.

I mean, it took me forever to find a
parking meter with time still on it.

What's the matter? I can't be gay and
cheap, too?

Talk to your own date. She's mine.

Oh, right, right, right, right. Oh, I
see Daryl.

Oh, oh, okay. Remember.

You met at yoga class. You have an all
-gay construction company. And you're

thinking of adopting a refugee baby.

Okay, got it.

Does the baby know I'm gay?

Well, hello, stranger.

Oh, Daryl, oh, my God. I didn't even
know you'd be here.

And who's this charming bear of a man?

Where are my manners?

Daryl, this is my friend Jim.

Enchante.

And these are my two friends Cheryl and
Dana. They're both...

wickedly awesome lesbians.

Daryl, nice to meet you. Nice to meet
you.

What's up?

Well, see you around.

Well, that was a disaster.

Well, don't blame me. I bent over
backwards.

Maybe that was the wrong direction.

There's just no heat between us, Jim.
No... Look, I can do gay. I can't do

Zazazoo.

SportsCenter's on.

DeFonti's becomes Club Mandemonium.

What the hell?

This is perfect.

They're playing our song.

They're going to go crazy.

What? Hey,

hey, hey, hey, you get up a little
higher there.

Fantastic. Here comes Daryl. Oh, God.

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I cut in? No, please do.

Whatever he did to get you, I'll do it
better.

Flip and slide.

Flip and slide.

Flip and slide.

All right, Kurt.

That's enough. Tell me what's going on.

What do you mean?

Oh, please.

I have the best straight dar in town.

He's not gay. She's not gay.

Her maybe.

Yes, I nailed it.

Well, if we're done here, I got breast
milk to pump.

I'm so embarrassed.

I brought Jim here to make you jealous.

I'd do anything to get you back.

And it's you too.

Oh, come on.

Can't you guys work it out?

Not until Kurt learns to compromise.

Oh, don't bring up the stupid fight.

I have season tickets to the Cubs, and
he won't go to a single game. You

It takes two to compromise, Daryl.

Well, they're right behind the Cubs
dugout.

You know what you need?

You need a straight friend.

Yeah, why don't we go to the Cubs games
and let Kurt and Cheryl go to the

musicals? That is a great idea.

Not great.

Fabulous!

Well, I guess we could try that.

Yes!

Maybe it is asking too much of you to
like baseball.

Did you hear that, Cheryl?

I just helped two gay men find, you
know, whatever it is they have with each

other.

I think that deserves a kiss.

Chicken man.

Out.

Come on.

Yep, completely gay.

And mother won't let me have my trust
fund until the right girl can turn me

back.

Does she have to be born a woman?

What mama don't know won't hurt her.