All language subtitles for According to Jim s06e16 Devlin in Disguise

What's wrong, honey?

I forgot why I came downstairs.

To apologize to your wife for years of
boorish behavior?

No.

Apologize to me for years of boorish
behavior?

No, it doesn't sound like me.

Well, honey, what were you doing?

I was flossing.

Okay, while you were flossing, you
realized the floss wasn't treading in

teeth, which meant that I bought the
brand only millionaires can afford.

Which led you to think about all the
other ways that money is thrown away

this house. So you started wandering
around upstairs, turning down the

thermostat and turning off light. While
you were packing a bag of Kyle's clothes

to sell at the swap meet, you remember
that Ruby said she dropped a handful of

coins in the kitchen and a quarter had
rolled behind the refrigerator, so you

came downstairs to move the fridge to
get it.

Thank you.

Oh, baby.

All right, Gracie, come on. Blow out the
candles.

Oh, we should wait for Uncle Annie's
date.

Oh, wait.

Candles don't burn that long.

The sun won't burn that long.

Yep, I've got no date. Very funny. You
know what else I don't have?

A gift for my snide young niece.

How's that crap sandwich taste, birthday
angel?

Ow, ow, ow!

Andy, nice job!

You just got beat up by a ten -year
-old.

She's eleven.

Just ignore what I wrote in your card,
Gracie.

Come on, sweetie.

Blow out the candles. Make a wish.

Hey! This house is rockin'! So we're not
knock...

Otherwise, we would have locked the
door.

Hey, Timmy, Timmy, Coco, Bob, looks like
we're just in time for a B -Day party.

I see that, Pirates of the Syndibian.

Luckily, I always travel with a party in
my pants.

Okay,

Grishy, I'm going to relight these
candles, and you make a wish for them to

leave.

Tim. Cindy, we're kind of in the middle
of something, so I don't want to be

rude. I will. Go!

Don't mind us, right? It's like we're
not even here.

Yeah, sure.

Until Captain Banana Hammock rips off
his pants.

Yikes, Dana.

You might want to lay out the cake.
Looks like it wasn't all baby in that

-tum tummy.

I am five pounds over my pre -baby
weight. Well, how come Andy looks like

skinny one, hmm?

Hey, I got a riddle for you guys. Oh, we
love riddles. Yeah, what is it? Go, go.

What wears matching tracksuits and needs
to get out of my house?

You just crack us up.

It's going to be really hard for one of
us to never see you ever again.

I'm listening.

I'll stop.

I'll stop.

We. Are.

Getting. A.

Divorce.

Divorce? This is my best birthday ever.

The lawyer told us to divide everything
in half.

Even the bad news.

You guys just seem to right through each
other and wrong for anyone else.

True. But we've already worked out the
divorce settlement.

Who gets the 3 ,000 matching tracksuits?

Oh, hey, do you want... Because they'll
stretch to cover that.

But we just can't decide who should get
our two bestest friends in the whole

world. Jesus and Santa?

No, silly.

MC Cheryl and DJ Jazzy Jim.

So we decided to have you pick. Who do
you want to be friends with, huh?

Are we allowed to pick?

Neither.

Giggle Puss. Now, who do you want?

Hot time summer in the Cindy?

Or the hunt for red -ock timber?

I

choose

Cindy.

Cindy would be fine.

Ten -letter word for flying reptile.

Is it across or down?

Down.

I don't do down. Never have, never will.

Hey, hey, hey!

What do you say on this fine, fine day?

I say the same thing I said yesterday
and the day before.

Get out and stay out.

You're always on.

I love it.

This place is fun.

Even for a gay to...

Let's go dance in leather pants, gay.

Having leather pants doesn't make... I'm
not gay.

Really? Then explain the haircut.

Well, I'm going to go to the kitchen.

Why? Why?

I'm out of beer.

You went there yesterday.

At the bank.

It's closed.

Mexico?

Cheryl, if you're going to go to Mexico,
the least you can do is kill me first.

You're right.

I can't leave you here alone.

Oh, damn. We're out of

beer. I've got to go to the store and
get some more.

Can't last forever. I mean, Cindy's
lonely right now, but pretty soon she'll

latch on to some poor sap and be out of
our lives forever.

You promise?

Yes, honey, I promise. How do we ever
get into this? Of course I promise. I

can't stand it anymore.

Instruction worker totally whistled at
me.

Um, honey, are those your pregnancy
underwear?

What? Yeah, I can see your whole
backyard.

Yeah, you might want to go borrow some
sweat.

I went to the mall.

Hey, honey, how was your day?

Hell. Cheryl, hell. Pure hell.

Andy, on Monday.

just chattered all day long about Cindy.
Oh, that's cute.

Tuesday was take Cindy to work day.
Sweet.

And today was take Cindy at work day.

All right, that I did not need to hear.
Here.

I had to walk in on it.

Kim, it's new law. No, it's not, Cheryl.

It's a disease.

Andy's changed.

He's changed the way he walks, the way
he talks, the way he's dressed. He's

becoming a devlet.

You're excellent.

He's possessed. He is possessed.

What do you say on this fine, fine day?

Hey, you two.

Sorry about hogging the space shuttle at
Landy this week.

We'll make it up to him, Salt Lake
Cindy.

We wanted to invite you two cats.

do some hot tub and apologize for being
such strangers. Oh, yeah. I don't think

we're going to be able to make that. Why
not?

I have no desire to go.

Of course we'll come to your party. Hey,
great!

Now, if only I could remember what time
the party starts.

I know.

your place. Can I have a piggyback ride?
No, but you can have a piggy front

ride.

I have an excuse

for my butt hanging out. What's his?

That's it, Cheryl. Put a pot of coffee
on. I'm getting a piece of paper and a

pen, and we're going to map out a
strategy to break those two up. No, no,

Nobody's breaking anybody up.

Andy is family, and if he's happy, we
should be happy. Happy?

How can you be happy? He's dating
someone we totally hate. What world do

live in?

The same world I've been trapped in
since the first day you two met.

Only Andy decides who he dates. Yeah, I
agree, but the guy that just pranced out

of here squealing like a pig is not
Andy.

No, it's like a zombie movie.

You know, we should cut off his head and
burn it in a ditch.

Jim, you know what we're going to do?

We're going to go to that party, and
you're going to behave, and it's going

be over before you know it.

Honey, Andy's relationships are like his
diet.

Over by lunch and followed by days of
shame.

Now, I'm sticking to my plan and my map.

Here we go.

Here's Andy's house.

Here's his mailbox.

And here's a cobra.

You know what? Everything looks like
Andy's butt now.

That's just terrific.

You know what, Cheryl?

I can reach back, grab that CD player,
yank it in the water, and end this now.

Look at us, huh, buddy? We got us a
couple foxy ladies,

don't we, Jim?

Aren't you glad you let me wax you?

Did I really let you?

Or did you sneak up on me while I was
napping?

Yep, she's a sneaky one.

Caught me yesterday.

Tell you one thing, you wake up
refreshed.

Refreshed and slick as a whistle. Hey,

I got an idea.

Why don't we see which one of you guys
can hold their breath the longest?

Oh, sounds like a hoot.

Can't you see we have to break them up?
We are not breaking them up. They're in

love, and it's none of our business.
Yes, it is our business. He's my best

friend, and she is going to ruin his
life.

You know what people said to me about
you? And if I'd listened, we would not

here today.

Well, you should have listened.

You could have done much better.

Who won?

It was a tie.

Do over.

I've never seen him happier. Back off.

I'm not going to back off. I'm not going
to back off. I want my buddy back.

The way he was. The Vatican alone?

Yes. I love that guy.

What were you trying to say under there?

I said, will you marry me?

Marry you?

That seems kind of quick.

But not as quick as this. Of course I'll
marry you. I love you so much. Have my

children. Let's start now.

No, no, no, no. They're getting married.
She is the devil.

Where's that bathing cap? She's hiding
her horns.

No.

Okay,

I admit she's annoying. She is. But Andy
loves her. I love her. Sure. And I

think she's licking my leg.

That could be Andy. Oh, and that's
better.

Is that Andy's bathing suit?

First dibs on the shower. My suit!

glutes non -stop during dinner. Watch me
now.

Clench. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I feel?
Yeah.

Clench. Release.

Clench. Whoa, whoa. Release.

I can bend a fork between my cheeks.
Yeah.

Jim, lend me your fork. Oh, sure.

No.

I have to put up with her. At least let
me see the show.

There you go.

I did it. No, no. I did it. I did it.

I couldn't take enough. They're sucking
in there. I know. The last thing I need

is for another one of my siblings to
marry someone I can't stand.

How do you put up with it? Oh, we've got
to have them break up. I've got a plan

right now. What?

Tim Devlin.

You're brilliant.

That's not my first rodeo, baby.

Hey, here's those hot tub pamphlets you
wanted.

Don't know why you needed them at
exactly 7 .30, but there you go, Jim.

thank you.

You mean Jim Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?

Yeah, no, the cutesy nicknames were kind
of Cindy thing. Since we've split up,

I've tried to be a little less... Like
someone you want to strangle?

Good one.

I've always liked you, Jim.

What? I've never liked you. Come on in.

Listen, the reason I brought you here is
because I wanted you to know from us,

from the family, that Andy and Cindy are
engaged.

Wow. Yeah, they're getting married next
week.

That's terrible.

Oh, no, that's why I wanted you to come
back, because we think you should go in

there and fight for your woman. Yeah.

No, I mean, it's terrible because I'm
going to be out of town next week.

Deanna and I are going to Maui.

Deanna? New girlfriend.

Swimsuit model.

I'm older, got a little money. It's not
that hard, Jim.

Come here.

That's her out in the car.

Yeah. I don't like to brag, but I'm
hitting that.

Nice job.

Hey, why don't you bring her in so she
can meet the family?

Sure thing, but we can't stay long
because she and his friends are having a

party and I'm the only one old enough to
buy the booze. Okay.

Bring her in, bring her in.

Great idea. So when Cindy sees Tim's new
girlfriend, she'll lose it.

No, I just wanted to get a good look at
her.

But that's a good idea.

Thanks for the swell engagement dinner.

Well, look who it is. Tim Devlin. What a
surprise.

And who is this? Sienna?

Your new girlfriend, a swimsuit model?

Wow, Tim. When you said swimsuit model,
I didn't realize that you meant someone

who was a lot younger and much hotter
than Cindy.

Jim, I can't believe you would do that.

Golly. Oh, I am so sorry you got dragged
into this, Timmy Changa Conqueso.

You silly boots.

You need to wake up and smell the yummy
hot cup of java.

You're not going to break up me and WKRP
and Cindy Natty.

We're like seahorses.

What? They mate for life. I saw it in a
cartoon. There were two seahorses that

got married and they got lost.

You thought bringing sympathy for the
devil here in this house was going to

change things? No.

I got to send you guys a telegram.

Cindy loves Andy.

Stop. Nothing's ever going to break us
up. Stop. Oh, God. Take me back. Take me

back. Stop.

You know you're still my Mr. Timberman.

Aren't I still your breakfast of tips,
Cindy?

Listen to me.

You are a wonderful and kind and strange
woman.

But if I've learned anything from my
three days with Sienna, it's that I like

having sex with her.

So you take care, okay?

Hold it right there, mister.

You kiss me one more time and then tell
me you're ready to walk away.

Okay, take care.

Can I drive? Can I drive? I need to
practice.

I'm hitting that.

Okay, so where were we? Oh, wedding
plans.

DJ or band?

Say something to him and ruin his day.
Or keep your mouth shut and ruin his

life. Annie, if we have a boy, can we
name him Tim Jr.? If you marry...

burning in a ditch, but go ahead.

Andy, she just asked her ex -husband to
take her back right in front of you. I

think in a healthy relationship, you
need to pick your battles. Look at me.

You're not in love. You're sick.

You've got devlinitis.

Wow, sounds like someone doesn't want to
be matron of honor. Dana, how about

you? Can you be thin by Thursday?

Cindy, honey, I really think maybe you
need to be alone for a little while.

Is that Tim coming back?

Oh, Homer Timpson, you came back. I love
you, too.

I was testing you.

Oh, I didn't get that.

Oh, do it again.

No, no, no, no, no.

Maybe you should go.

Really? Are you sure you wouldn't
rather... I suppose

I got ten minutes, right? I mean, no,
no.

It was in over my head.

It was just nice having someone around.

Someone around?

You mean an annoying lunatic who was
trying to steal your soul?

He didn't let me finish.

I mean having someone around this
general area.

We want you to be happy, but you've got
to find someone who lets you be you.

There's a special girl out there for
you.

Probably in Russia, scrubbing floors.

Thanks, guys. You're the best.

Well, let's go back to being that guy
that you were, huh?

Forget the Devlins. You're done with the
Devlins.

You're right.

Yeah, Andy Ham Lincoln doesn't wear
these anymore.

I, uh, I'm not wearing my Speedo, am I?

She did do a good job on that waxing.