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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,430 --> 00:00:03,550 Two years ago on According to Jim. You and Old Blue had some good times 2 00:00:03,550 --> 00:00:05,190 together. Hey, you want her? 3 00:00:05,430 --> 00:00:06,850 Okay, sure, thanks. 4 00:00:07,170 --> 00:00:08,170 200 bucks? 5 00:00:08,910 --> 00:00:09,910 Yeah, sure. 6 00:00:10,170 --> 00:00:12,950 I don't think you should sell the grill to Andy. I think you should give it to 7 00:00:12,950 --> 00:00:16,610 him. You gave me that grill, and you can get it back when you pry the barbecue 8 00:00:16,610 --> 00:00:18,570 tongs from my cold, dead hands. 9 00:00:19,030 --> 00:00:20,750 Not if I get to it first. 10 00:00:27,050 --> 00:00:28,070 I'm taking my grill back. 11 00:00:28,350 --> 00:00:31,250 Be my guest, neither I nor the Countess will stop you. 12 00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:35,430 But the chain might. 13 00:00:37,690 --> 00:00:39,050 The grill is mine! 14 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,630 Mine! All mine! 15 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:48,110 I think maybe you should have the grill for... not anything. 16 00:00:50,010 --> 00:00:51,430 What? Free! For free! 17 00:00:52,110 --> 00:00:53,350 Hey, thanks, man. 18 00:01:07,350 --> 00:01:08,350 What are you looking for? 19 00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:15,010 I'm looking for... I was looking for some doilies. 20 00:01:16,130 --> 00:01:19,330 Oh. I found them. They're right here. Great. 21 00:01:20,190 --> 00:01:23,530 You know, if you're also looking for matches, I threw them all out yesterday. 22 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:25,430 Sure. Why would you do that? 23 00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:28,550 Because the girls and I are going to visit my mom, which leaves you here with 24 00:01:28,550 --> 00:01:29,810 Andy and Kyle all by yourself. 25 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,520 It's the same reason I hid the knife, sent a warning letter to the neighbors, 26 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,240 and blocked the adult channels on the TV. 27 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,540 I told you before, the L word stands for love. 28 00:01:41,980 --> 00:01:46,220 Cheryl. Jim, every time I go away, you and Andy act like a couple of idiots. 29 00:01:46,460 --> 00:01:47,840 Oh, that is not true. 30 00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:48,899 Oh, really? 31 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,200 What about my trip to Cleveland? 32 00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:54,820 Look, if we were to have known that animal was alive, we would have never 33 00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:55,820 him in the microwave. 34 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,460 You know, maybe I should just get you guys a sitter. Sure. 35 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,560 You promised me once I turned 50 I didn't need a sitter anymore. 36 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,180 Andy and I are responsible adults. 37 00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:12,080 Kyle is lucky to see such a special relationship between two men. 38 00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:16,540 You always make things dirty. 39 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,020 All right, fine. 40 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,380 Why don't you tell me why the responsible adult was looking for 41 00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:32,220 I was going to light a candle, put it in the window, until your safe return. 42 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,240 Daddy, are these enough bottle rockets? 43 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:43,600 Afternoon. 44 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,540 All right, Cheryl, Ken's here. Come on, hurry up. Let's go. We have to go back. 45 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:51,000 Oh, oh, honey, come on, walk us out. We're going. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let 46 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,000 him sit, Cheryl. 47 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:55,580 We're two independent gals, and Jim works really hard. hard to put a roof 48 00:02:55,580 --> 00:03:01,400 your head what the hell i don't know it's the first time she's actually 49 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:07,000 sense no honey i'm gonna be gone for a while i want you to walk me out look 50 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:13,100 andy's having a garage sale and you know how jim is about those things what do i 51 00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:19,660 care that he's having a garage sale andy's selling the g -r -i -l 52 00:03:25,450 --> 00:03:26,510 He's selling a girl? 53 00:03:29,890 --> 00:03:31,790 Grill? He's selling my grill? 54 00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:38,110 Wow, I really didn't think he'd get that. 55 00:03:40,630 --> 00:03:44,130 Andy, Andy, what are you doing? You can't sell my grill. 56 00:03:44,470 --> 00:03:46,170 I'm not. I'm selling my grill. 57 00:03:46,390 --> 00:03:49,190 No, no, I gave you that grill. Yeah, which makes it mine. 58 00:03:49,550 --> 00:03:52,470 If I would have sold it to you, it would make it yours. 59 00:03:53,070 --> 00:03:56,790 Please don't start this grill nonsense again. I gave you that grill. If you're 60 00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:59,730 not going to use it anymore, then legally it reverts back to me. 61 00:04:00,330 --> 00:04:01,330 That's crazy. 62 00:04:01,590 --> 00:04:05,210 It's not crazy. This is the way society's been working for centuries. 63 00:04:05,450 --> 00:04:06,550 Check your Magna Carta. 64 00:04:06,910 --> 00:04:10,510 I don't have a Magna Carta. Oh, did somebody give it to you and you sold 65 00:04:10,510 --> 00:04:13,130 too? I'm taking my grill. No, you're not. 66 00:04:13,950 --> 00:04:14,950 Watch me. 67 00:04:25,710 --> 00:04:28,530 turn this into a war. Well, talk to your brother here. He's the one being 68 00:04:28,530 --> 00:04:32,610 unreasonable. I'll throw in a free Klingon burial shroud if you buy it. 69 00:04:32,970 --> 00:04:34,510 Impress the ladies. It's mine! 70 00:04:34,990 --> 00:04:37,850 All right, you know what? That's it. I'm canceling my trip. Boy, what are you 71 00:04:37,850 --> 00:04:38,850 doing that for? 72 00:04:38,890 --> 00:04:42,450 Because it's obvious you two monkeys are going to declare war on each other. 73 00:04:42,670 --> 00:04:43,770 How dare you? 74 00:04:44,590 --> 00:04:46,650 Carol, we are having a gentleman's disagreement. 75 00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:47,970 Indeed. 76 00:04:49,090 --> 00:04:51,190 You don't have to cancel your trip. 77 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,800 I told you I was going to be a responsible adult, and that is exactly 78 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:56,800 going to do. 79 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,080 Promise? 80 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:04,720 I promise that while you are away, I will be a model citizen. 81 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,080 Stolen goods? 82 00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:10,520 Why would I be selling stolen goods? 83 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,880 We received a tip from one of your neighbors. 84 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,300 Who? He would only refer to himself as a model citizen. 85 00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:18,980 Excuse me, Officer. 86 00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:20,340 Is there any trouble here? 87 00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,540 Impossible distribution of stolen goods. 88 00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:24,020 Stolen goods? 89 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:25,720 He gets. 90 00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:27,480 What have you done? 91 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,440 Officer, I think that may be my grill. No, it is not. 92 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,060 Yep. Yeah, this is my grill, officer. 93 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,340 Do you have any proof? 94 00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:38,420 Proof? No. 95 00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:45,940 Well, except for this nine -year -old receipt that clearly states that I 96 00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:48,360 this myself at the local barbecue emporium. 97 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,840 Officer. Officer, he gave me this girl two years ago. 98 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:53,500 Did you? 99 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,080 I'd sooner part with my own son. 100 00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:58,560 Hands behind your back, sir. 101 00:05:59,380 --> 00:06:00,660 You're kidding me. 102 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:10,520 This is not over! 103 00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:15,000 Do you hear me? I swear to God, I'm... I'm sorry, sir! 104 00:06:15,420 --> 00:06:17,360 I can't quite hear you! 105 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:50,480 Takeout is hard work. 106 00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:54,700 There you go, my son. 107 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:56,520 You know what? 108 00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:57,740 You're a lucky boy. 109 00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:02,880 You get to spend the weekend with your pops, you learn about feuds, and you get 110 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,460 to see a fat man tasered. 111 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,000 Wait. 112 00:07:13,540 --> 00:07:14,680 This could be a trick. 113 00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:18,040 I'm going to go and check out the noise. You guard the grill. 114 00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,160 Here, stand here. 115 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,160 Hi. If Uncle Annie comes out, you zap him. 116 00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:25,940 Should I turn it up to 10? 117 00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,340 That's my boy. 118 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:38,520 Cop, 119 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,400 give me the taser. 120 00:07:53,130 --> 00:07:54,130 Give me that. 121 00:07:54,530 --> 00:07:55,530 Give me that. 122 00:07:57,470 --> 00:07:58,790 What? The grill. 123 00:08:00,710 --> 00:08:01,710 Freeze. 124 00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:05,730 Or what? Or I'll taser you. 125 00:08:07,930 --> 00:08:09,030 When it recharges. 126 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,670 Takes about five minutes. 127 00:08:12,590 --> 00:08:17,790 Oh, I'll be long gone by then. You see, Jim, I was able to do some thinking when 128 00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:20,890 I was sitting in the county lockup. Yeah, but you were doing a little crying 129 00:08:20,890 --> 00:08:21,890 too, huh? 130 00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:27,110 Soon, James, the tears will be on the other cheek. 131 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:32,770 See, I remember when we were redoing your kitchen that I gave you this small 132 00:08:32,770 --> 00:08:34,210 crucial length of pipe. 133 00:08:34,870 --> 00:08:38,850 You were in jail thinking about pipe, were you? Only that I wanted it. 134 00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:41,789 And now I'm going to take it. 135 00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:43,669 Take my pipe! 136 00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:04,980 wrong pipe there. 137 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,080 mine too. You know how I know? 138 00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:41,460 A receipt. 139 00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,320 You know what else is mine? 140 00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:46,460 Vengeance. 141 00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:50,000 Andy, Andy, you win. 142 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:51,840 Okay. 143 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:15,920 Let me ask her. 144 00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:18,020 Hey, Cheryl. 145 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,120 TV show and ask a girl out. 146 00:13:47,340 --> 00:13:50,340 First that can happen, she says no. 147 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,500 The thing I'm happiest about? 148 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,660 I never did one of those albums where I just talked. 149 00:14:47,739 --> 00:14:48,739 This pizza? 150 00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:01,260 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 151 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,640 We got the letter. 152 00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,040 Look at this. 153 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,260 My nephew's truck. 154 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,360 All right, move on, huh? There's nothing to see. 155 00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:15,100 You know, I don't miss the knives. 156 00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:19,200 Or toilet paper. 157 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,120 Mommy didn't hide the toilet paper on you. 158 00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:26,140 My bad. 159 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,140 Battle stations. 160 00:17:01,070 --> 00:17:02,070 I surrender. 161 00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:04,210 Yeah, right. 162 00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:08,069 No, no, no, no. I'm serious. You bested me. The girl is yours. 163 00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,430 What's your game? 164 00:17:14,630 --> 00:17:15,630 No game. 165 00:17:15,930 --> 00:17:18,270 I just finally got what you were saying. 166 00:17:18,630 --> 00:17:21,930 Just because a man gives something away doesn't mean he renounces ownership. 167 00:17:24,230 --> 00:17:25,230 Thank you. 168 00:17:27,829 --> 00:17:29,130 Be it a roof or... 169 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:30,900 His time? 170 00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:32,220 Exactly. 171 00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:34,500 Time? Yeah. 172 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:39,040 How many hours have I spent babysitting your kids for free? 173 00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:43,240 I decided to crunch the numbers. 174 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:47,600 9 ,000 hours? 175 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:52,400 Yeah, I gave them a year of my time, and now I want a year of it back from them. 176 00:17:52,660 --> 00:17:56,040 And since Gracie and Ruby aren't here, I'll take that one. 177 00:18:00,970 --> 00:18:05,210 I don't know yet. Cooking, cleaning, may shoot stuff at his feet, make him 178 00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,210 dance. 179 00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:11,710 You are crazy. There is no way on earth that I'm going to give you my one and 180 00:18:11,710 --> 00:18:16,270 only son. Okay, then just admit that your argument is full of crap and give 181 00:18:16,270 --> 00:18:17,069 that grill. 182 00:18:17,070 --> 00:18:18,070 Take the boy. 183 00:18:19,030 --> 00:18:23,590 What? But if you decide to sell him after a year, he reverts to me. 184 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:39,840 I thought you were coming home tomorrow night. 185 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:44,820 Yeah, I called Kyle to see how things were going. He lied for about 30 seconds 186 00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:45,980 and he cracked like an egg. 187 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,280 30 seconds? You are not my son. 188 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,920 I know. You just sold me to Uncle Andy. 189 00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:58,280 What? You sold our son? 190 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,160 Come on, it's not as bad as it sounds. 191 00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:04,140 Really, I mean, Andy tried to sell my grill. 192 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:05,520 And then he got me arrested. 193 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,400 And then he pulled a pipe out of my kitchen. He took my roof. And now he 194 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,400 Kyle. 195 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,660 Kyle? It's very simple. 196 00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:15,260 Look at you two. 197 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:19,960 You are literally tearing this family apart over a worthless piece of junk. 198 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,320 How dare you? 199 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:24,560 Ouch! 200 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,560 Jim, you know, you said Kyle was lucky to see there's a special relationship 201 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,560 between two men. 202 00:19:34,510 --> 00:19:36,530 I don't think he's feeling very lucky right now. 203 00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:38,090 If you'll excuse me. 204 00:19:39,150 --> 00:19:40,150 Kyle, come on. 205 00:19:47,370 --> 00:19:48,370 Kyle! 206 00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:50,830 Be careful with that. 207 00:19:55,090 --> 00:19:56,930 You said we had a special relationship? 208 00:19:57,150 --> 00:19:58,150 No, I didn't say that. 209 00:19:59,410 --> 00:20:03,330 Cheryl put a block on the adult channels, made me goofy, and I said 210 00:20:03,330 --> 00:20:04,199 didn't mean. 211 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,940 Oh, come on, Jim. The lesson I learned from Mel Gibson is that sometimes we say 212 00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,020 things because deep down it's what we really feel. 213 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:19,660 You love me. 214 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,260 I do not. 215 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,500 Oh, yes, you do. 216 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,060 Say it, Jim. 217 00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:29,940 Say the L word. 218 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,240 Lesbian. 219 00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:39,410 Good enough. I lesbian you too. 220 00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:43,210 All right, safety check. 221 00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:44,910 Goggles? Check. 222 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,190 Earplugs? Check. 223 00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:48,750 What are we forgetting? 224 00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:49,950 Dad! 225 00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:53,170 Crap. 226 00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:56,470 We weren't going to leave you here. 227 00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:58,430 There you go. 228 00:21:00,690 --> 00:21:02,830 Oh, I'm going to miss you, old blue. 229 00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:11,150 You know, we keep you all blue, but you make Annie and I want to kill each 230 00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:13,070 other, and that means prison time. 231 00:21:14,250 --> 00:21:15,490 We're too pretty for prison. 232 00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:17,210 So we're going to blow you up. 233 00:21:18,070 --> 00:21:19,070 All right. 234 00:21:19,390 --> 00:21:20,249 Here we go. 235 00:21:20,250 --> 00:21:24,410 Okay, so who gets to do it? Oh, I probably could do it. It's my grill. 236 00:21:24,410 --> 00:21:27,110 you talking about? It's my grill. It's my grill. 16621