All language subtitles for According to Jim s06e14 What Lies Beneath

And you expect me to keep paying for
these lessons?

Well, I thought it was beautiful.

Was that in the key of e -crap?

And as soon as they hear musical skills,
we'll pay for more lessons.

Now, throw that thing in the trash.

Yes!

Next!

Oh, there's my little soccer star.

Gracie, tell us why we should pay for
another year of soccer.

I'm out of your hair for three hours
every Saturday.

You may continue.

There's a check.

Next!

Oh, God.

A tap -dancing child?

Better earn those fancy shoes of yours,
girl.

This Treasure Snooper T -700 is the best
investment I've ever made.

Goodbye, loser weekends.

Hello, metal detecting.

Well, hello, ladies.

What's sexier than a man who can find
treasure?

Hmm. Must be something funny going on
behind me.

Guess I missed it.

Ooh, ooh, please be gold coins. Please
be gold coins.

Hey, a nickel.

From 1988.

It's like a window into another time.

Please be gold coins. Please be gold
coins.

A wedding ring?

Jim, put this back on. Love, Cheryl.

Oh, my.

God, this is Jim's wedding ring.

I remember when he lost this a year ago.

That rascal has worn a cheap look -alike
ever since, and Cheryl's never been the

wiser.

God, I love that guy.

Andy! Andy! What did I tell you about
digging holes in my front yard?

I can't wait to show him.

Why don't you just take that thing back
to your house and use it to try to find

a life?

Wow. He's really mad about something
behind me.

Must have missed it.

Things happen fast around here.

Hey! Hey! You're not killing me? Is that
what you're going to do?

All right, Andy. All right.

Wow. He's squirting me with a hose.

Why would he do that? I'm his best
friend.

I know.

I must be on fire.

Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, drop, and
roll. Stop, drop, and roll.

Next time, I'm going to get my BB gun
and we'll see if you can detect metal

flying in your ass.

I wasn't on fire at all.

He's just a big, stupid jerk.

I'll show him.

What is so funny behind me?

Poor Andy.

Even with that thing, you can't find
your dignity.

and I give him a break.

It was small and hard to find in the
first place.

Ah, Cheryl, big sis.

Always there with a clever quip and an
apron.

Reminds me, what was the funny thing you
had engraved on Jim's wedding ring?

Oh, Jim, put this back on. Love, Cheryl.

That's funny.

That's what this ring says that I just
found buried in the front yard under two

inches of lye.

Jim Lott? His wedding ring? A year ago,
and he's been wearing a fake one ever

since.

How do you know he lost it a year ago?

Dana.

Sweet, stupid Dana.

A thieving treasure hunter can analyze
the soil and the position of said

artifact in determining... You were with
him when he lost it.

It was a warm spring day.

A day which found Jim and I in
possession of a water balloon catapult

good sense to know where to use it. All
right.

Gun's up.

Ten bucks, you hit Driscoll's mailbox.

Ten bucks, if you don't lean back so
far.

Fire in the hole!

Oh, great!

All right, what else we got? Oh, look at
that.

Looks like Al Kranis picked the wrong
day to leave his sunroof open.

Gun's up.

Here's somewhere it couldn't have gone
far.

I'd say 100 yards with a good tailwind.

Maybe it's in the front yard.

Hey, you're a big nerd. You got one of
those metal detectors, don't you?

I've been kicking the tires on a couple,
but the online buzz says wait for the T

-700. And nerd's a little harsh.

Cheryl's going to get a little harsh if
I don't find that ring.

Come on. Jeez,

Jim. What are you going to do if you
can't find your ring?

Well, for some reason, Cheryl's always
made a big deal about the ring.

Women, you know.

You know, I could just tell her the
truth.

That doesn't sound like you.

She's a reasonable woman.

She knows accidents happen. I mean, look
at Kyle.

Well, we'll find out. No!

Cheryl.

You do something new with your hair?

Did you forget something, Jim?

Yes, happy birthday.

Happy anniversary.

Happy Halloween?

What? You forgot to pick up the girls at
their dance lesson. Today of all days,

after I had to beg, borrow, and steal
for an appointment with Todd, the hair

genius of Oak Park, I was halfway
through my weave with cell phone rings,

threw me crying because you...

We were going to, but then we realized
we could fill water balloons with pee.

Once we were bored with that, summer was
over, and it snowed.

So, he's been lying about this for a
year? Oh, Cheryl, you know him. He'll

I just didn't tell you, and that's not
the same as lying.

Oh, no.

He lied.

Cheryl, I swear on this ring, I did not
heave water balloons at Al Kranitz's

car.

Cheryl, I swear on this ring, I did not
teach Kyle that word.

I swear on this ring, it was here when I
woke up.

Cheryl, for once in a twisted marriage,
you have cold, hard evidence. You should

nail him. Oh, oh, I am going to nail
him. I will nail him. He is nailed!

How do I do that?

Easy. We tie him up and beat him. I've
got a bat. Oh, great idea. We can take

turns. No, no. I mean, hitting him would
feel good.

Really good.

But that's just temporary.

Depends on where you hit him.

Andy.

More satisfying would be a confession.

I'll never get him to confess. He always
talks his way out of these things.

We could beat a confession out of him.
Yes, I've got a back.

No, no.

We are going to be more subtle.

We are going to use cupcakes.

I'll bring my back.

Beautiful cupcake.

Oh, those are my favorite. I know.

Deep, dark chocolate. But first,
everybody has to tell a deep,

dark secret.

Come on, she's only four years old.
Let's just eat the cupcakes.

No secret, no cupcakes.

I'll go. I'll go. Okay. Remember that
lavender tie you bought me?

The one I had monogrammed?

I lost it doing something stupid rather
than tell you I went out and bought a

similar one and you never caught on. I'm
a terrible man.

Sounds like something I would do.

Doesn't it?

Oh, Andy, that's silly.

Your family, I would have understood.

Right, Jim?

I mean, anybody can lose something.

You should have just told her. I know.
The cover -up is actually worse than the

crime. It always is.

Can we just eat the cupcakes?

That's what we're doing.

Andy, here's yours.

Delicious.

This is a good cupcake, but not as good
as a clean conscience.

Okay, my turn.

Last week, I was up on the roof throwing
water balloons filled with my own

urine.

How's the bracelet that Cheryl gave me?

The one I had engraved?

I'm such a jerk.

Is there something weird going on behind
me?

You know, Dana, I could have helped you
look for that with my metal detector.

Oh, the Treasure Snooper T -7000.

Yeah,

you can find anything with that.

You know, Dana...

At least you didn't hide it from me for
weeks, months, or even a year. I mean,

that would have been really hurtful.
Yeah.

Don't you think so, Jim?

You know, I think... I think ye who
least judge, judge the least.

Now may I have ye cupcake?

Now it's time for your confession.

Sure.

Well, not unlike Dana, I was on the
roof.

This is very hard for me to say.

Go ahead, Jim.

It's time.

Well, I was up on the roof. I don't know
why I was up there.

Anyway, I...

I lost, I lost hope.

I don't know, life just seemed a little
bleak to me.

And I went downstairs and took a nap and
I found hope again.

That's your big confession, you lost
hope?

I know, it was the worst thing that ever
happened to me.

I swear. On my ring.

Thank you for digging so deep, Jim.

I have a special cupcake.

looks delicious.

sinful hit the spot good as gold i'm
gonna go

get some more milk would you guys uh
care for anything uh no no

we're good well if you need anything
just give me a ring

There's no way he swallowed it. We were
all there. We all saw him swallow it.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

I would rather swallow his wedding ring
than admit he did something wrong.

You know what I can't believe? That
you're still surprised by him. He once

the kids to the circus, came back with a
stolen monkey.

This is not over. I don't care what we
have to do. I am going to hear the

I swallowed my wedding ring and I lied
to you about it.

It's too late now. The evidence is gone.

Well, it's not really gone.

We know where it is.

Presumably, it's coming back.

And when it does, we'll be there.

Oh.

Daddy,

I finished that report you wanted me to
write. Not right now, honey. I'm in a

bit of a hurry.

Actually, it takes about 12 hours and 25
minutes and 40 seconds.

I can use some reading.

that toilet.

Feel free to light a match.

I think we've crossed the line in this
family.

I feel totally invaded.

Yeah, I don't feel so good myself.

It was all Cheryl. All she could talk
about was catching you on the pot.

Oh, please.

I had to talk you out of bringing a
camera.

I feel totally un... comfortable in the
role of this family's moral compass.

Get off your high horse.

Were you using that compass when you
lost your wedding ring catapulting water

balloons at your neighbors or lying
about it for a year?

Ridiculing a man's hobby and squirting
him with a hose?

You guys put a ring in a cupcake, then
stood in a bathtub and ambushed me like

bunch of hyenas waiting for a lion to
squeeze out a ring.

I gave you that ring.

on our wedding day as a symbol of our
love, and you lied to me about losing

I didn't lie.

I just chose not to tell you. Uh -huh. I
told you he'd say that. I totally win.

Except for the part about seeing Jim
poop.

Carol, I chose not to tell you because I
knew you'd get upset.

You just didn't want to get yelled at.
That is true.

I mean, the way you looked that day with
your hair, you look crazy.

Until five minutes ago, that was the
worst thing I'd ever seen.

Cheryl, think about it, all right?

I mean, you didn't even notice that I
was wearing a different ring. And do you

love me any less right now?

A little.

I feel terrible that I lost the ring.

I do.

But come on, Cheryl, we got great love
here.

We got great commitment in this
relationship.

We don't need a symbol to prove it.

I mean, I don't.

And if you do, well, you know where it
is.

Kyle, what did you do?

You must tell me first.

I first.

Won't you tell him?

Well, Cheryl, to be honest with you, I
got it this morning.

What? But we heard the clank.

Yeah, that was something else.

Remind me tomorrow we're going to have
some keys made.