Original subtitles

And you expect me to keep paying for these lessons?

Well, I thought it was beautiful.

Was that in the key of e -crap?

And as soon as they hear musical skills, we'll pay for more lessons.

Now, throw that thing in the trash.

Yes!

Next!

Oh, there's my little soccer star.

Gracie, tell us why we should pay for another year of soccer.

I'm out of your hair for three hours every Saturday.

You may continue.

There's a check.

Next!

Oh, God.

A tap -dancing child?

Better earn those fancy shoes of yours, girl.

This Treasure Snooper T -700 is the best investment I've ever made.

Goodbye, loser weekends.

Hello, metal detecting.

Well, hello, ladies.

What's sexier than a man who can find treasure?

Hmm. Must be something funny going on behind me.

Guess I missed it.

Ooh, ooh, please be gold coins. Please be gold coins.

Hey, a nickel.

From 1988.

It's like a window into another time.

Please be gold coins. Please be gold coins.

A wedding ring?

Jim, put this back on. Love, Cheryl.

Oh, my.

God, this is Jim's wedding ring.

I remember when he lost this a year ago.

That rascal has worn a cheap look -alike ever since, and Cheryl's never been the

wiser.

God, I love that guy.

Andy! Andy! What did I tell you about digging holes in my front yard?

I can't wait to show him.

Why don't you just take that thing back to your house and use it to try to find

a life?

Wow. He's really mad about something behind me.

Must have missed it.

Things happen fast around here.

Hey! Hey! You're not killing me? Is that what you're going to do?

All right, Andy. All right.

Wow. He's squirting me with a hose.

Why would he do that? I'm his best friend.

I know.

I must be on fire.

Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, drop, and roll.

Next time, I'm going to get my BB gun and we'll see if you can detect metal

flying in your ass.

I wasn't on fire at all.

He's just a big, stupid jerk.

I'll show him.

What is so funny behind me?

Poor Andy.

Even with that thing, you can't find your dignity.

and I give him a break.

It was small and hard to find in the first place.

Ah, Cheryl, big sis.

Always there with a clever quip and an apron.

Reminds me, what was the funny thing you had engraved on Jim's wedding ring?

Oh, Jim, put this back on. Love, Cheryl.

That's funny.

That's what this ring says that I just found buried in the front yard under two

inches of lye.

Jim Lott? His wedding ring? A year ago, and he's been wearing a fake one ever

since.

How do you know he lost it a year ago?

Dana.

Sweet, stupid Dana.

A thieving treasure hunter can analyze the soil and the position of said

artifact in determining... You were with him when he lost it.

It was a warm spring day.

A day which found Jim and I in possession of a water balloon catapult

good sense to know where to use it. All right.

Gun's up.

Ten bucks, you hit Driscoll's mailbox.

Ten bucks, if you don't lean back so far.

Fire in the hole!

Oh, great!

All right, what else we got? Oh, look at that.

Looks like Al Kranis picked the wrong day to leave his sunroof open.

Gun's up.

Here's somewhere it couldn't have gone far.

I'd say 100 yards with a good tailwind.

Maybe it's in the front yard.

Hey, you're a big nerd. You got one of those metal detectors, don't you?

I've been kicking the tires on a couple, but the online buzz says wait for the T

-700. And nerd's a little harsh.

Cheryl's going to get a little harsh if I don't find that ring.

Come on. Jeez,

Jim. What are you going to do if you can't find your ring?

Well, for some reason, Cheryl's always made a big deal about the ring.

Women, you know.

You know, I could just tell her the truth.

That doesn't sound like you.

She's a reasonable woman.

She knows accidents happen. I mean, look at Kyle.

Well, we'll find out. No!

Cheryl.

You do something new with your hair?

Did you forget something, Jim?

Yes, happy birthday.

Happy anniversary.

Happy Halloween?

What? You forgot to pick up the girls at their dance lesson. Today of all days,

after I had to beg, borrow, and steal for an appointment with Todd, the hair

genius of Oak Park, I was halfway through my weave with cell phone rings,

threw me crying because you...

We were going to, but then we realized we could fill water balloons with pee.

Once we were bored with that, summer was over, and it snowed.

So, he's been lying about this for a year? Oh, Cheryl, you know him. He'll

I just didn't tell you, and that's not the same as lying.

Oh, no.

He lied.

Cheryl, I swear on this ring, I did not heave water balloons at Al Kranitz's

car.

Cheryl, I swear on this ring, I did not teach Kyle that word.

I swear on this ring, it was here when I woke up.

Cheryl, for once in a twisted marriage, you have cold, hard evidence. You should

nail him. Oh, oh, I am going to nail him. I will nail him. He is nailed!

How do I do that?

Easy. We tie him up and beat him. I've got a bat. Oh, great idea. We can take

turns. No, no. I mean, hitting him would feel good.

Really good.

But that's just temporary.

Depends on where you hit him.

Andy.

More satisfying would be a confession.

I'll never get him to confess. He always talks his way out of these things.

We could beat a confession out of him. Yes, I've got a back.

No, no.

We are going to be more subtle.

We are going to use cupcakes.

I'll bring my back.

Beautiful cupcake.

Oh, those are my favorite. I know.

Deep, dark chocolate. But first, everybody has to tell a deep,

dark secret.

Come on, she's only four years old. Let's just eat the cupcakes.

No secret, no cupcakes.

I'll go. I'll go. Okay. Remember that lavender tie you bought me?

The one I had monogrammed?

I lost it doing something stupid rather than tell you I went out and bought a

similar one and you never caught on. I'm a terrible man.

Sounds like something I would do.

Doesn't it?

Oh, Andy, that's silly.

Your family, I would have understood.

Right, Jim?

I mean, anybody can lose something.

You should have just told her. I know. The cover -up is actually worse than the

crime. It always is.

Can we just eat the cupcakes?

That's what we're doing.

Andy, here's yours.

Delicious.

This is a good cupcake, but not as good as a clean conscience.

Okay, my turn.

Last week, I was up on the roof throwing water balloons filled with my own

urine.

How's the bracelet that Cheryl gave me?

The one I had engraved?

I'm such a jerk.

Is there something weird going on behind me?

You know, Dana, I could have helped you look for that with my metal detector.

Oh, the Treasure Snooper T -7000.

Yeah,

you can find anything with that.

You know, Dana...

At least you didn't hide it from me for weeks, months, or even a year. I mean,

that would have been really hurtful. Yeah.

Don't you think so, Jim?

You know, I think... I think ye who least judge, judge the least.

Now may I have ye cupcake?

Now it's time for your confession.

Sure.

Well, not unlike Dana, I was on the roof.

This is very hard for me to say.

Go ahead, Jim.

It's time.

Well, I was up on the roof. I don't know why I was up there.

Anyway, I...

I lost, I lost hope.

I don't know, life just seemed a little bleak to me.

And I went downstairs and took a nap and I found hope again.

That's your big confession, you lost hope?

I know, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I swear. On my ring.

Thank you for digging so deep, Jim.

I have a special cupcake.

looks delicious.

sinful hit the spot good as gold i'm gonna go

get some more milk would you guys uh care for anything uh no no

we're good well if you need anything just give me a ring

There's no way he swallowed it. We were all there. We all saw him swallow it.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

I would rather swallow his wedding ring than admit he did something wrong.

You know what I can't believe? That you're still surprised by him. He once

the kids to the circus, came back with a stolen monkey.

This is not over. I don't care what we have to do. I am going to hear the

I swallowed my wedding ring and I lied to you about it.

It's too late now. The evidence is gone.

Well, it's not really gone.

We know where it is.

Presumably, it's coming back.

And when it does, we'll be there.

Oh.

Daddy,

I finished that report you wanted me to write. Not right now, honey. I'm in a

bit of a hurry.

Actually, it takes about 12 hours and 25 minutes and 40 seconds.

I can use some reading.

that toilet.

Feel free to light a match.

I think we've crossed the line in this family.

I feel totally invaded.

Yeah, I don't feel so good myself.

It was all Cheryl. All she could talk about was catching you on the pot.

Oh, please.

I had to talk you out of bringing a camera.

I feel totally un... comfortable in the role of this family's moral compass.

Get off your high horse.

Were you using that compass when you lost your wedding ring catapulting water

balloons at your neighbors or lying about it for a year?

Ridiculing a man's hobby and squirting him with a hose?

You guys put a ring in a cupcake, then stood in a bathtub and ambushed me like

bunch of hyenas waiting for a lion to squeeze out a ring.

I gave you that ring.

on our wedding day as a symbol of our love, and you lied to me about losing

I didn't lie.

I just chose not to tell you. Uh -huh. I told you he'd say that. I totally win.

Except for the part about seeing Jim poop.

Carol, I chose not to tell you because I knew you'd get upset.

You just didn't want to get yelled at. That is true.

I mean, the way you looked that day with your hair, you look crazy.

Until five minutes ago, that was the worst thing I'd ever seen.

Cheryl, think about it, all right?

I mean, you didn't even notice that I was wearing a different ring. And do you

love me any less right now?

A little.

I feel terrible that I lost the ring.

I do.

But come on, Cheryl, we got great love here.

We got great commitment in this relationship.

We don't need a symbol to prove it.

I mean, I don't.

And if you do, well, you know where it is.

Kyle, what did you do?

You must tell me first.

I first.

Won't you tell him?

Well, Cheryl, to be honest with you, I got it this morning.

What? But we heard the clank.

Yeah, that was something else.

Remind me tomorrow we're going to have some keys made.