Original subtitles

You think you're in my head now.

Well, you're not.

You are going down.

Get in there, you stupid, stupid.

old people.

The turtle trounced the hummingbirds 25 to 7.

Jim, how does it feel that your wife led your daughters to a humiliating defeat?

You're funny, Jim.

Give me a hand. I'm stuck.

Seriously, I'm stuck!

Okay, terrific game by both teams.

How does everybody feel?

And we feel good because...

And get a snack, some refreshing juice, and your trophy.

I think she had a little refreshing juice herself.

Okay. Now I want everyone over here to form a praise circle.

A what circle?

Praise circle. I want everyone to say one positive thing about a teammate.

This is going to be quick.

That was a really good shot. Thank you. In the opponent's basket.

Isn't it enough that the girls are interested in basketball?

You don't see basketball out there.

I don't know. Maybe I'm old -fashioned, but in my America, winners are winners

and losers hold grudges, not hands.

Who designed clothes?

Yeah?

Mommy's going to have a glass of wine.

You know, girls, those are mighty big dreams.

You're going to have to work incredibly hard to attain them.

Working hard?

Pass.

Come here, girls. Come here.

Let me tell you a little story about a girl about your age and her first tennis

lesson. She announced right away that she was going to be the best tennis

in the whole world.

And you know what?

She worked incredibly hard until she became number one.

And that girl's name?

Billie Jean King.

She got so famous that Michael Jackson even wrote a song about her.

Did you guys smell something burning?

Our cake!

Oh, man, didn't you guys get a timer?

I guess we forgot.

He tried really hard.

Cheryl, you've got to be kidding me.

You're kidding me with this attitude, right? This attitude has got to stop,

Cheryl. What are you talking about?

If I built a building and my mistake caused it to burn down, would anybody

-five me?

Randy high -fiving you and the Ugolini's deck mysteriously burned down after

their check bounced.

I'm not the one on trial here, Cheryl.

What they're learning at basketball is killing my children and, more

importantly, killing the sport.

Is this about the cake?

Partially.

But it's also about this feel -good self -esteem crap going on, honey.

They can't have too much self -esteem.

Cheryl, self -esteem is all over the place.

Come on, they give it valet. They get it at school 24 hours a day from noon to

night. They are told how wonderful they are.

These kids have to be taken down a peg.

You know what, Jim? That's a very good point. Tonight, instead of a bedtime

story, we'll read them a list of their flaws.

That's a start.

I got it. You know what?

I should coach.

No, no. No, I'm going to take over Ruby and Gracie's basketball team. No, I can

coach them. It's fine. The girls have fun.

Cheryl.

Sports aren't about fun.

They're about overcoming obstacles, working as a team, and being able to say

cool things like, how did that taste, loser?

No, no, no, no. That's it.

I'm taking over the team.

And you, you get started on another cake.

Dana, it's me.

Took me a whole game, but I got Jim to take over. Let's go.

Steinbergs, listen up.

We are no longer going to be playing soft, squishy, everybody gets a hug

basketball. From now on, we're going to be playing old school, hard -nosed,

winning basketball.

You're going to work harder than you've ever worked before.

Yes, Jamie.

I worked last summer on my grandpa's farm.

Okay, the five of you are going to work really hard.

And Jamie, you're going to work as hard as you did last summer.

Then I mostly make cookies with my grandma.

We're going to need a little less talking.

All right.

At your last game, you didn't make very many baskets, did you?

Well, we got the same trophy as the turtles.

Yeah. So what difference does it make?

I'll tell you the difference, Tabitha.

You didn't earn it. They just gave it to you. With me, you're going to earn

everything. Dad, I mean, Coach.

I thought we were here to have fun and try our best.

Well, maybe you can try your best at running

around the gym.

Do a lap.

Go. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Trying is dying.

Doing is everything.

Because we all know nice girls finish... Nice?

No. Pretty?

No. Ponies like all my grandpa's sperm?

That doesn't even make any sense. I can't do this.

Easy, coach, easy.

Can we have a treat now?

What's that?

Can we have a treat now?

You know what, Ugolini?

You've been getting on my nerves since Giddyup.

laughing at? You, you're funny.

I am not funny.

I am stern and inspiring.

Say yabba -dabba -doo.

Yabba -dabba -doo.

All right, everybody, let's go to the free throw line.

Come on. I want to see some hustle.

Hustle!

And Gracie, why are you not hustling?

Visualize the ball going in.

Gracie, bend at the knees.

Follow through.

Keep your wrists nice and loose.

You have to make free throws to be a winner.

Shaq doesn't make free throws and he's a winner.

You're very cute.

Let's see how cute you are after five laughs.

Move it!

Get her! Get her!

Come on, Gracie.

Gracie, when you're on my team, you've got to work hard.

Good job.

All right.

That's it for practice.

Ball's in.

Let's go.

All right. All right. Come on. Come on.

Get in the center here.

Let's go. Come on. Come on.

Now form a circle here.

Woody, I love free circle.

Well, I hate it.

This is going to be called the truth circle.

Each one of you is going to tell one of your teammates exactly what they did

wrong. Ruby, go.

Griefy, you can't make a free throw to save your life.

Excellent. You stole my boyfriend.

Okay, let's keep this about basketball.

Not so fast.

Let's hear the dish.

is a hummingbird.

Yeah, decided to spring for new uniforms.

Can we go now? I want to get there early so we can practice free throws.

Oh.

She wants to practice free throws.

Do you believe it?

I still can't believe that you sprung for new uniforms.

Gracie, come on, let's go.

Wow, you look great. You look so tough. Come on, let's see those arms. Let me

see those arms. That's it.

What are you wearing?

My uniform.

I'd say your uniform.

Yeah. I'm playing for the Lamb Chops now.

Uh, honey, why?

Because they just play for fun.

Oh.

Ruby, sweetie, why don't you go wait in the car?

Um, Gracie, maybe you want to talk to your dad about switching teams.

You know what, Cheryl? That'd be okay.

If I talk to the enemy.

But Phil Jackson might get me.

We don't do that.

Why don't you tell Gracie she should head to the rec center because it's a

walk.

Is there a problem?

Problem? No, it's not a problem.

You want to play on my team? You don't have to.

Go find yourself another team.

Yeah, I already did.

Oh, Cheryl, my daughter carries a basketball around with her and wants to

practice all the time.

Your daughter just quit my team.

No, Cheryl, she quit.

You know Gracie acts tough, but she's really sensitive.

Maybe she just needs some attention.

Attention? Come on, I yelled at her twice as much as the rest of the team.

Maybe she needs a different kind of attention.

Thank you. You're welcome.

And you can give her that attention while you both walk to the rec center.

We are live from Buchinnick Municipal Rec Center for this titanic clash

the Lambchops and the Hummingbirds.

It's a frenzy crowd of about 15.

This pregame show is brought to you by Caramel Corn. If you can find a better

tasting candy -coated vegetable, eat it.

Now Gracie is playing for the Lamb Chops. So I need to find a way to root

both teams at once. There aren't 15 people here.

Did he count me twice because I'm fat?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Lamb Chops.

And the Hummingbirds.

Now, there's two kinds of people out in the world.

Winners and losers.

And what are we?

Honey nerds!

I was looking for winners, but that'll do.

Now, I want you to get out there, and I want you to kick some butt!

Go!

Butt, butt, kick some butt! Butt, butt, kick some butt! Here we go, here we go!

The teams head out for the opening tip -off.

Have a good game, Gracie.

Ho, ho, ho!

For those of you who don't speak subtext, Coach Jim just called Gracie

response? It's go time, old man.

This recap brought to you by potato chips.

Even the little dust at the bottom of the bag tastes good.

Hey, Coach?

Yeah? I just wanted to point out that the team that works hard and has

discipline has 18 points, and the team that has fun has 18 points.

The game's not over, Blondie.

And you know what?

Discipline always pays off.

game on the line and you watching of course not she just with me watching

sounds like gracie's worst nightmare is disappointing her father

gracie all alone with two shots and a chance

to win it for the lounge

Listen, Gracie, I want to talk to you as your daddy, not as a basketball coach.

It doesn't matter to me if you make this shot or miss it.

Okay, I just want you to know that you're a great kid, this is just a

game, and that I love you very much.

So, just have fun and try hard.

Great to get set for her second shot.

She could probably use some silence right now.

Go on and enjoy your win.

All right.

You know what? This is a lesson to all of us. You know what that lesson is?

I did too easy on you.

Come on, laugh. Five laughs. Let's go. Shake that thing. Shake it, shake it,

shake it.

And ref, you take a laugh too. You suck today.

Sorry you didn't win, coach.

Don't worry.

I don't want it.

Come on, you run a lap, too.

Hey, nice job on the play -by -play. Oh, thanks.

You didn't mind all the food references?

Because, see, that was my way of saying how gigantic you've gotten.

No, I thought it was funny.

Yeah.

Join us for our post -game show brought to you by my fat -ass sister.