Original subtitles

Okay, here we go. First time eating solid food.

This is so exciting. I know.

First time trying Stevie B's Windy City Rib Feast. I'm so excited.

I know.

Get some on your cheek.

I'll get it.

Oh, you got some on your cheek.

No, no, I'll get it.

Okay, Tanner. Chew, chew, chew.

Chew. Chew. Chew.

Okay, get it out.

Get it out.

Get it out.

I found some naked lady playing cards. Wouldn't those be fun to look at?

Why, yes.

They would be very fun to look at.

Thank you.

Yeah, I also have some things for you to sign.

Like what?

Wow, look at the queen of hearts, huh?

And sign.

Wow.

It must be really cold up there in that ski lodge.

Oh, yeah, I bet.

Wow, check out the nine of spades. And sign?

Nine? I think she's a ten plus.

Oh, you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What am I signing here?

Am I paying bills?

Hey, honey, honey, look. I'm kissing the four of clubs, and she's Chinese.

Cheryl, that is not working.

Entirely.

What is going on here? What is this doctor bill for $200?

What, did you have another baby?

No, Jim, Kyle had a little growth on his chin. He's fine, thank God.

Now sign the check.

Wait, wait, wait, what was it?

He had a legume -based incrustation on his chin that was removed by non

-invasive means through the use of textiles with no harm to the patient.

his face and a doctor wiped it off with a cloth?

Okay, how did you figure that out? Cheryl, I am not the one on trial here.

You're the one who took our kid to the doctor for peanut butter?

Okay, he had a sandwich and something got on his chin and it got hard and I

scared. Well, Dr.

Clark says it happens all the time.

Happens all the time? Yes. Come on, Cheryl. Hey, I... I just want you to

tonight, when the kids brush their teeth, that white stuff is toothpaste,

rabies.

Would you sign the damn check?

No, I'm not going to pay for this. Let the insurance company handle that crap.

Wow. Speed of two of clubs. I mean, it's one card, but that is quite a pair.

Cheryl, I am not a 13 -year -old boy that can be easily distracted by a naked

woman riding a speedboat.

Okay. What happened?

What's going on? What are you hiding here? You're hiding something from me.

insurance company rejected the claim.

You're kidding me. No.

Cheryl, how could they reject... Did you talk to them? Did you yell at them,

Cheryl? Did you yell at them? No, but I did leave a strongly worded voicemail.

Oh, boy, I bet they were shaking in their boots when they deleted that one.

If you want to get what you want...

You've got to sit down, you've got to look them right in the eye, and you've

to charm the pants off them.

From now on, I am handling all the health care in this family.

No, no, no.

Yes. Family health care is my territory. You can't usurp it. It's been usurped.

I am now the czar of health care.

Oh, by the way, Cheryl, don't rush to the hospital right now. That's just egg

your face.

You know, Jim, there's a reason I handle the things I do around here and you

handle the things you do. And what is that?

You can't handle the things I do!

I couldn't believe you just talked to the czar like that.

You know what? I should have you beheaded.

And I bet I could have the insurance company cover it for me.

Denied.

Denied? I lost an eye.

Yeah, well, yesterday I lost my keys. It's still denied.

Kind of a misunderstanding here with your company. Seems that your company

accidentally rejected one of my family's claims.

Oh, I remember this.

Hey, Marcy, it's the peanut butter guy.

You know, your son made our weekly newsletter.

Telling your wife we loved the voicemail.

I'm glad you guys are entertained.

Can you work on my claim, please?

Hold on a second, sir.

Are you pulling up my claim?

No, I'm checking my email.

What? Your claim has been rejected. What do you want me to say?

Well, maybe you should say thank you for 15 years of patronage, sir.

Well, maybe you should say wash your face after dinner, son.

Hey, isn't your company's slogan, we're right there? behind you?

Yeah. Well, now I know what you're doing behind me.

Number 83?

No, no, you got 82 right here. Right here you got 82, not 83.

Look, look, if you keep talking to me like this, I'm just gonna take my

elsewhere. Okay.

I am serious.

Oh, no.

Don't take away your $128 a month. You'll bring this company to its knees.

I am not afraid of you.

I may be a common man, but I'm going to set myself free from the yoke of

tyranny. And I'm going to cancel my health insurance policy.

You realize when I cancel this policy that neither you nor your family has any

health insurance.

Realize it? I demand it!

Freedom!

Freedom!

Can you validate my parking, please?

You canceled your health insurance? You sure that's a good idea? Come on, I've

made many spur -of -the -moment decisions in my life, and I've never

one of them.

What about the tattoo?

If you think a tattoo of Mike Ditka on my left cheek is a mistake, you and I

no longer friends!

Hey, how'd it go at the insurance company? Did you get anybody's pants?

Well, the czar spoke, action was taken, parking was validated.

And I think that'll be the very last time that they deny one of our claims.

Really?

I'm impressed. It sounds like you handled that really well.

I have a way with people.

Apparently. Trust in your czar. He's always behind you.

See? Everything's fine.

Everything's under control, my friend.

You know what? That's the thing I hate about these insurance companies.

They live on fear. They survive on fear. Well, you know what? You are so afraid

that you won't even make a claim because you're afraid they're going to reject

it and then your insurance is going to go up. You know, forget it. I'm not

afraid anymore.

If anything happens in this family, I'm going to pay for it in my own pocket.

I mean, how expensive could it be? We're pretty careful around here.

Dad,

I'll be up on the...

Get up.

Put that down.

Grow a brain.

Come on.

But I wanted a cookie, and I have a string on my shirt.

I have a theory.

What's it going to be, Jim? Back to the insurance agency or up on the roof to

test Kyle's theory?

Well, hello.

Well,

I hope your company covers the funny bone because you're cracking me up.

You know what? That's why I like this company so much. In fact, I want you

behind me doing the thing you do best.

I'd like to reinstate my insurance policy.

Hear that, Marcy? Mr. 128 is back. We don't have to worry about the mass

anymore.

Anyway, uh...

What about reinstate my insurance policy?

Look, I can't reinstate your policy. It's canceled.

Would this change things?

Sir, this is a naked lady on a speedboat.

Come on.

Can you help me out here? Can't you just bend the rules a little bit?

I suppose I could open you a new policy.

Of course, now you lost your loyal customer discount, so your rate will go

20%. 20 %? And there's a five -day waiting period before your new policy

in. Five days?

Why? Why not?

We the insurance company, baby.

Okay, Jim, I got their skateboard, arrows, and their batteries.

Batteries? What for?

I guess kids at your school didn't play pelt -the -fat -kid -with -batteries.

Andy, we got five days, five waiting days. We gotta watch these kids like a

hawk. Okay, okay, it's only five days.

And besides, they're kids. They're mostly cartilage.

But what about me? What happens if I get sick?

Come on, you're in great shape.

You, sir, are the healthiest man in this room.

It's five days, Jim.

Yeah, maybe you're right. I'm just overreacting.

I think I got that flu bug that Gracie had.

No, damn it, why?

I mean, God bless you.

having dinner in a restaurant for the first time since Tanner was born. If

Tanner gets sick, we can't have dinner in a restaurant. And I need to have

dinner in a restaurant.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She is sick. She is sick. She is sick. She's going to

need to see a doctor.

That doctor visit is $200.

$300 for blood tests.

Colonoscopy is $682 .78.

Andy, it's not about the money.

All right? If I take her to a doctor, she's going to find out that I canceled

our insurance.

At least with a colonoscopy, they lube you up first.

You know what? I just got to convince her that she doesn't need to see a

Daddy, Ruby and I are playing Kyle's funeral.

How deep is your grave?

I'll get this. You get Cheryl.

Now, your basic grave is six feet, but Kyle's short.

I think I'll put these under a heat lamp and see what grows.

Hey, hey!

Oh, my God, you look terrific.

I really think you've turned a corner.

I have a fever.

Damn,

girl.

So do I.

You look really hot in that shawl.

Come on. Let's go upstairs.

Jim, I have the flu.

You know what they say.

Feed a cold and playfully spank a fever.

That's the second shower of the day for me.

You know what, Jim? I really need to go see a doctor.

They gave Gracie amoxicillin.

And it really helped. I want to get started on that, like, today. Gerald,

can't go to a doctor right now. I mean, look at you. You look awful. You can't

go in public.

A second ago, you wanted to have sex with me. Yeah, from pity.

You know what? I am calling Dr.

Clark.

Don't call the doctor. I'll call the doctor.

I'll describe your symptoms, and he'll prescribe some medicine.

All right, whatever.

But when I'm feeling better, you're going to pay for that pity line.

Good girl.

Anger really helps the healing.

Dana, your husband is a doctor. Do you think he can prescribe some pills for me

so I can give them to Cheryl?

Brian delivers babies. Call your own doctor.

Yeah, I could do that.

Or...

I could put Cheryl's germs all over your baby's face.

What the hell are you doing?

I need that prescription.

You wouldn't dare.

How long have you known me, Dana?

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's just settle down.

Let's just all be cool here. Oh, I'm so cool right now. Good.

But I need that prescription, Dana, now.

Take that phone.

You call your husband right now.

I have his prescription pad in my purse. He signs a few for me so I can get

whatever I want.

You get the goods.

Come on.

No sudden moves.

Good girl.

Mommy's doing the right thing, Tanner.

She's listening to Uncle Jim.

Step away from the baby!

Don't do anything stupid!

I swear to God I'll do it. Now hand over the snot rag.

Don't. Push me. I need to have dinner in a restaurant.

Then head to panel.

Infected tissues first.

Same time.

One.

Two.

Three.

This is a far side calendar.

Stay away from my baby.

Dana, no.

Dana, if I get sick, I'm going to hunt you down and lick your baby on the

forehead.

Well, I convinced the kids that Kyle deserves a memorial service, but they're

definitely putting him in the ground today.

And you have no time to even discuss this.

I have to get some amoxicillin for Cheryl immediately.

Man, that's good stuff.

I give it to my tropical fish all the time for their fin rot.

$2 .98 at the pet store for the exact same medicine.

And if you spend more than $10, you get a free hermit crab.

The exact same medicine?

Yeah.

Wow, look at you.

I know. I'm so much better, thanks to the best husband in the world.

You know, he got me medicine. I didn't even have to go to the doctor.

And he got me this hermit crab to keep me company.

Well, you certainly look better. Not green around the gills at all.

Thanks, honey.

Hey, can you get on this oatmeal? I need to go wrangle the kids. Sure, sure.

Green around the gills.

Andy, you, sir, are a rascal.

Oh, gee.

Oh, my God, you look terrible. Oh, I am so sick.

Take the fish medicine.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what? Maybe sex with Cheryl wasn't such a good idea after all.

You should take at least 50. You, sir, are no guppy.

Oh, these taste like seaweed.

You know,

Jim, I've been thinking about these fish pills.

If we buy bulk from the pet store and then sell to sick kids on the

I just don't see a downside.

I don't know, Andy.

to see pretty things.

Jim, Jim, we've got to get you in the car. We need to go to the emergency

Emergency room?

Yes. The hospital?

Yes.

That's crazy talk.

Everything's going to be fine in a few minutes.

I could use some tea.

No, no, no. We don't need tea. You're having an allergic reaction to the

medication.

Amoxicillin for fish?

You took fish medicine?

I took fish medicine?

You gave me fish medicine?

Okay, you're mad about the fish medicine?

Could anything make you madder? No!

I canceled our health insurance.

I think we can use some tea.

in one place first.

Fine, go.

Fish medicine.

Yeah, I thought you and Marcia would appreciate the story.

Okay, okay, honey.

You've got to get to the hospital, okay? Wait, wait, wait.

This is too damn funny.

I'm backdating your policy. This one's on us.

Well, that's very sweet of you.

See, sir, I told you I've got a way with people.