Original subtitles

Previously on According to Jim. We came here for an impartial opinion.

Cheryl, tell Ryan he's an ass.

Oh, Ryan, what did you do?

I agreed to deliver a baby, just like I do every day. In Africa, with me days

away from having his child.

Quick, turn on the news. Nina Harper just had her baby. Oh, my God. I'm happy

report that everything went according to plan, and mother and child are doing

very well.

We interrupt this program for breaking news.

Civil war has erupted in Djibouti.

Apparently, actress Anina Harper and her baby were able to escape in a private

plane, but not her obstetrician, Dr. Ryan Gibson.

I am eight and a half months pregnant, and my husband is trapped in a war zone!

Dana, while Ryan is away, I want you to move in here with us.

Yes? I'm kind of in the mood for a grilled cheese sandwich.

How long is this nonsense going to last?

Cheryl. What?

Those cats are fighting in the alley again.

Not cats. It's Dana's baby.

Right. Tucker.

Tanner.

He's colicky.

Right.

What's colicky?

Nobody knows.

But it means he's awake and screaming.

Right.

I'm about to get colicky.

Cheryl,

I can't get the baby to sleep.

Why are you whispering? Get the baby to whisper.

All right, come on.

Let's give this baby some food.

Why don't you put him in a swing? That'll calm him down.

We don't have a swing.

I mean at the park.

Okay. Are you getting me a pony for my birthday?

Because, you know, I ride it to school, and then you wouldn't have to take me.

Why are we talking about a pony?

Dana said you wanted to.

Dana.

All right, come on.

You go to sleep, and I'll buy you whatever you want.

I'm naming him Salmon.

Go to sleep.

I heard you guys talking. Are you talking about me?

Why would we be talking about you, Ruby?

I know. Can you believe her? She's always like this.

Well, we'll finish talking later.

Ruby, we were not talking about you. Come on.

Get up here and go to sleep.

Right now.

Buds!

Come on, guys. I'm going to miss my buds.

Oh, baby.

Jim, he's exhausted. Yeah.

Go get your camera. I'll find something to stick in his mouth.

Cats in the alley! Cats in the alley!

Honey, it's eight. You've got to get ready for work.

Right. Work.

Yeah. Where I operate heavy machinery.

Oh, my God, Tina!

I didn't realize the snack bar was open so early.

She's breastfeeding. It's perfectly natural.

God made boobs to make women's volleyball more interesting. Not for

Don't listen to him, Tanner.

Mommy's breasts are not sex objects.

Unless she wants a promotion when she goes back to work.

Cheryl, this is not working for me. Having this baby in the house is just

working for me. I can't get any sleep.

This place smells like diapers. We haven't had sex forever.

Ew.

We had sex two nights ago.

Two nights ago.

Forever.

Jim,

what's the big deal?

I'll tell you what the big deal is.

The big deal is I'm so tired, I don't even know what I'm yelling about.

Honey, maybe you should spend the night in a hotel.

Yeah, I'm going to spend $29 .95 to sleep in a hotel.

$29 .95?

Where are you staying?

They're out there, Cheryl.

If you're not allergic to coupons, they're out there.

Honey, I don't know what to say.

Babies cry.

There is no easy answer.

Oh, Gerald.

Morning,

all. Huh?

Whoa, sister boob. Gross.

Come on, Jim. I'm full of pep today. Let's jog. I am not jogging to work. No,

no, no. To the car. Works like two miles away.

Happy, not suicidal.

Jim, why don't you stay at Andy's tonight?

If Jim stays at Andy's, we can put Tanner's cradle in my room.

It'll be easier when he wakes up in the night. And I can get a good night's

rest. Okay, but you gotta leave if I get a booty call from one of my ladies.

I'll take my chances.

Switch sides.

got the whole night ahead of us.

There is no limit to the amount of fun we can have.

You know what I like, Andy?

TV.

As do I, my friend. But tonight is special.

Let us pay a visit to the cabinet of amusement.

What suits your fancy, Jim? Oh. Huh?

Board game?

Nay, nay, too tame.

Too tame for a man of your stature.

A video game, perhaps.

We have first -person shooter, real -time strategy, fantasy, both elf and

Or we can kick it old school with my homeboy Frogger.

Um, I think, uh, I think I like TV.

Are you sure?

Give me a C -sharp.

Nerf. Bazooka tag.

Only one rule. No mercy.

But timeouts for bathroom breaks.

Well, just TV and silence.

All right.

All right?

Really?

I just ask for what I want and I get it? There's no discussion?

Jim, we're not married.

I'm not Cheryl.

Would you care to drive?

Yes.

Wow, this is great.

You know, I think the gays are onto something here.

They are definitely living the dream. Yeah.

You know, apart from the whole kissing guy. Yeah, I kiss you.

Well, this is very civilized living, Andy.

You know, Cheryl's probably sitting over there thinking we're acting like apes,

when in fact... Oops, nice.

Ah,

my summer home.

I see the caretaker is keeping it up.

No, I know. Hey, you can stay another night at my place.

Unless one of my ladies... My ladies are coming over!

Ah, who am I kidding?

It's not going to happen. Cheryl's not going to let me stay at your place

I know her.

She won't be able to take it. She's going to miss her man.

Hey!

I'll get us some coffee.

Hey, you know, Dana's feeding the baby in there.

Jeepers. Looks like a hairless camel.

So, did you get a good night's rest at Andy's? Oh, great.

Yeah, that good, huh?

No, not that. I mean, it was really just okay. It was, uh, adequate.

Uh -huh.

How were things here?

Fun. Fun? Yeah. Good. Yeah, we gave Tanner a bath.

Fun. Yeah, I know.

I am so glad to be home. Oh, yeah.

Unless... Do you think you need another night?

At Andy's?

I don't know. I mean, do you think it's best?

Well, I think whatever's best.

You know, for you and little baby Trexler.

Tanner. Tanner.

Yeah, I mean, she is the important one right now.

But she's a boy. Right.

Well, I guess it's settled then, huh? Yeah.

It'll be tough to be apart.

Oh, baby, I know, I know. But it's what's right for the family. Yeah, it

Yeah, we'll muddle through.

Our love is strong.

Oh.

something happens and it's usually quite loud.

Our mum, she's so house proud.

Nothing ever slows her down and unless she's not so loud.

Our house, in the middle of our street. Our house, in the

middle of our street. Our house, in the middle of our street.

Our house, in the middle of our street.

Our house, in the middle of our... Father gets up late for work.

Hey! Hey!

How are the kids? Great!

Want some sex? You bet!

Oh,

thank you. Oh, here.

Give this to Dana. She wanted to borrow Andy's nipple cream. Oh, right.

So, what are you going to be doing?

Oh, we're going to give Tanner a bath. We think tonight might be the night his

umbilical cord falls off.

Fun! I know!

Do you want us to save it for you?

Just take a picture.

You don't miss me now, do you?

I don't miss you. You're right across the street. All right, as long as you

don't miss me.

Good night. Good night.

All right, Andy, come on, let's play.

Andy!

I can't get the cabinet of amusement open.

I can't help you, Jim.

I'm afraid I have plans this evening.

Why are you dressed like a pilgrim?

Have you been in a cave? I'm Harry Potter.

And the latest installment hits bookstores tonight.

Would you care to join us?

Man, I'm afraid I can't. You see, I've had sex with a woman.

Muggle. What?

What did you call me? Yeah.

If you don't know, you are one.

Encabination Levitosa.

All right, I'll get you later. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Andy.

Come on, come on.

Well, we can play Frogger. Do your nerd thing tomorrow. I did not spend... three

weeks hand -sewing this costume to be called a nerd. Good day, sir. Andy! I

good day.

All right.

Let's see what I'm in the mood for.

God, my first -person shooters are mixed with my multiplayer online games.

What the hell is wrong with you? No, what the hell is wrong with you?

I don't know.

You left me alone here all night with my thoughts.

You just want to have it Cheryl comes down and kicks them out for me. Okay,

okay, okay. What are you thinking about?

I don't know.

Cheryl miss me?

Oh. Come on! This whole thing is about Cheryl?

Yeah! Oh, great, Jim. But instead of walking across the street and having a

conversation with her, you have destroyed the precious results of a

meticulous collecting!

You know what?

I bet the gays are much more supportive of each other.

I didn't even see that coming in. Did you see that? What?

There's a banner outside your house that says I miss Jim.

Really? No.

baby you know what i'm sick and tired of hearing about that stupid baby put a

boob in his mouth and he'll be fine oh honey can't the same be said of you

distract me cheryl our marriage is in trouble and i'm not like you i won't

up without a fight what i know you got the taste of the sweet life without me

but i am your husband and you're gonna live with me whether you like it or not

Honey, our marriage is fine.

Believe me, if there were a problem, I'd see it way before you.

How would you even know that?

We don't even share anything anymore together.

You don't even miss me.

I miss you.

No, you don't. That's not what you said. You said, go over to Andy's. I don't

care. You're worthless to me.

I'm paraphrasing.

Well... I do miss you. When I said I didn't, I was practicing relationship

management.

Relationship management? You mean you lied?

Relationship management.

Jim, I didn't want you to come home because I missed you. I wanted you to

home because you wanted to.

Cheryl, I tore apart Andy's house.

I broke all of his toys.

Alone with your thoughts, huh?

For hours, they just kept rolling and rolling and rolling.

Baby, you're home now. You don't have to think anymore.

Did you really miss me?

I really missed you.

What did you miss most about me?

Yes, awesome.

Yeah, I had to wear socks at night because I couldn't tuck my cold feet up

against your sexy butt.

Sexy butt, yeah.

Awesome.

Let's go to bed.

Yeah, about that.

Honey, Dana's in her bed.

That's not awesome.

No.

I'm going to have to sleep on the couch.

I'm tired.

Oh. No, sweetie.

I'll sleep like a baby. Okay, good.

I'll sleep like a baby as long as you're in the house, I'm in the house,

you know I'm in the house, and you like it.

I do.

Lay down.

You know what?

I'm going to tell Dana tomorrow that it's time for her to go home.

Oh, Cheryl.

Are you going to kick your sister out of the house?

From me?

I am.

That's awesome.

Did Ryan get a flight home from Africa?

He did.

So she was going to go tomorrow anyway, right?

Yeah, she was.

So you lied again.

Relationship management.

Awesome.

Good night, Tinker.

Tucker! Tucker!

Tucker! Traxler!