Original subtitles

Oh, my gosh.

What? What happened?

Nothing.

We've just never seen you clean anything.

Oh.

Well, Mommy's going to be home soon, and I want everything to look nice, so come

on, give me a hand here. Let's make sure this looks nice.

You know, Mommy's coming back from that funeral, and she's going to be very,

very sad, so lots of hugs and kisses, and I just put those in alphabetical

order.

Put that down.

Who was Uncle Donald again?

Uncle Donald was Grandpa's older brother.

Remember the one who lost his finger during the war?

Uncle Donald had a farm.

And on that farm, he had a heart attack.

But we don't want to talk about that when Mom's around, all right?

Daddy, what happens after you die?

Well, people cry for a while, and then they sell your clothes.

Okay, okay.

They're here. They're here. All right, remember, what did we have for dinner

last few nights?

Pizza! All right, and what are we going to tell Mom we had?

Salad! Broccoli!

Pizza!

Okay, if you don't say anything, just give her a hug and go right to your

bedroom.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Mommy!

Hey, baby. How you feeling, all right? Oh, okay.

Wow, look at how spotless the kids are all.

What did you do? Send him to another family for three days?

You know what? I'm exhausted. I'm going to go lay down for a little bit. Yes,

yes. Come on. Go get Mommy's bags. Let's go. Let's help her. Hey, honey.

What did you eat while I was gone?

All right.

Well, welcome back.

That funeral must have been rough, huh? How are you feeling?

A little sad. Hey, want to play some ping pong?

What? Ping -pong.

You know, get the blood flowing. I was in that car for three hours. I'd smack

the egg around for a while.

Come on, you don't seem that broken up about your Uncle Donald.

Wasn't a fan.

One Thanksgiving, when Andy was 12, he asked Uncle Donald to pass the mashed

potatoes, and Donald said, Andrew, are you sure that's such a good idea?

Grouchy old four -fingered fart.

That's why to this day, I never eat mashed potatoes. You eat mashed potatoes

the time.

Yes, but I'm bitter about it.

I'm sorry you guys had a go -throw. Honey?

Yes? Would you bring me some tissues?

I'm here for you, baby.

Anything you need. You want some water? You want something to eat?

Wow. What do you mean, wow?

I've just never seen you this gentle and kind before.

I wish more of our relatives would die.

I wish you would just leave.

Is there any more perfect food than soup?

Warm nourishing helps you when you're sick.

It's like your mom in a bowl.

That soup is for Cheryl, not for you.

Is there any more perfect food than crackers?

Jim?

How are you coming with that soup?

It's almost done, honey.

I really appreciate it.

I'm here for you, baby.

Wow, look at you, Jimmy Homemaker.

Cooking, cleaning, got the kids all organized.

If you're as good in the bedroom as you are in the kitchen, you're quite a

catch.

I would rock your world.

Jim, would you put some of those crackers I like in the soup?

I'm here for you, baby.

Hey. Hey, Dana.

Dana, let me ask you something. Oh, for the last time, yes, it's Ryan's baby.

You know, how are you doing with this grieving thing? Because Cheryl's having

hell of a time. Yeah, I know, and they weren't even that close. I mean, I spent

whole summers on the farm. I remember Uncle Donald used to make this blueberry

pie that was so good, and he'd say, come on, eat up, skinny mini, put some meat

on those bones.

Son of a bitch.

Just give her a couple days. She'll be fine.

Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing these.

These are your towels?

Yeah, well, you've been doing so much laundry lately, I thought I'd flip them

in.

Hey, if you find any underwear your size with lace on them, they're mine.

Jim, could you put some butter on those crackers?

Andy, I don't know that much about grief.

Because everybody that I've known that's died, I didn't really care for.

But I heard that, you know, it takes only about two weeks.

Where'd you hear that?

In my head. That's where I hear all the stuff.

And you know what? Dana's over Uncle Donald and Cheryl's not.

What's going on?

Why would she be?

He weighed on her hand and foot. She's got the sweetest deal in Crybaby County.

What are you talking about?

Jim, she's faking this to work you.

No, Cheryl's not that devious.

She's been married to you for 15 years.

It rubs off.

Oh, please.

No, no, no. I never once rocked a vending machine before I met you.

Now, I don't even carry change.

You don't carry change because I made fun of your purse.

Come on.

Okay,

I'm out of line. Yes, she's too good. You're damn right. Yeah, yeah.

She's probably just warning her dear uncle that she hasn't seen since 1994.

Wake up, Jim.

Your little pixie has a dark side. Dare I say evil side.

I was going through your mail when I came across this travel brochure.

She's working you, my friend, so you take her to Hawaii.

Say aloha to the real Cheryl.

Hawaii?

Come on, I can't even get her off the couch a little on Hawaii.

I know.

Because she's so vewy, vewy sea -eyed.

Yeah?

The suit?

He's here for you, baby.

Well, if it tastes as good as it smells.

Not too hot, is it? Let me see.

Perfect.

What are you doing?

Having my lunch.

I thought that was for me.

Oh, no. Yours is on the stove.

Oh, and bring me some pudding and a beer, will you?

What's going on?

You tell me.

Jim, why are you acting this way?

Acting? That's interesting.

Acting.

Make -believe.

Pretend. Faking.

Snow job.

Buffalo.

Baloney.

Bamboozle.

I know what you're up to, woman.

What are you...

The soup, the back rubs, the laundry, making me watch Driving Miss Daisy.

You've been playing me pretty good, Toots, but the game is over.

What game?

You are faking this grief over your Uncle Donald to work me.

What?

How could you even think that?

Oh, boo -hoo.

Boo, freaking hoo.

Hey, you want to feel better? How about a little trip to Hawaii?

I'm going to go back to Hawaii. My little grass is shaking. Back, back,

back to Hawaii.

That's what you think this is? That's what you think this is all about?

By the tone of your voice, I'm having my doubts, but go on.

My Uncle Donald was a decorated World War II hero. He saw hundreds of his

shipmates perish at Pearl Harbor. His last wish was to have his ashes strewn

where they died.

I was hoping to make that possible.

There's a little soup left.

Eat it.

Pearl Harbor.

I didn't see that coming.

Hey, baby.

Hey, jackass.

Oh, we're talking. We're talking. That's good.

Cute names. That's good, too. Cute names.

Look, can I at least say something to my defense?

Do you really think you have a defense?

Well, I have one up here.

But it may fall apart when it comes out here.

All right. Remember, the last thing you want to do is make things worse.

That's why I'm taking my time.

Okay.

So you're not working me.

But Dana seems to be over Uncle Donald.

And I understand that...

She was closer to him than you were.

So I was thinking...

Maybe

we could take a page from those brave men who survived Pearl

Harbor and, you know, suck it up and move on.

worse, haven't I?

Just to be clear, he actually used the words, suck it up?

Yeah. Here's the scary part. That was after giving it a lot of thought.

I'm telling you, in 15 years, I have never been this mad at him.

Well, on the bright side, your sadness has been replaced by anger.

Anger, fury, bitterness.

You know, I do feel better.

if you wanted to really feel better, nah, forget it. What?

Well, it's because most people would want revenge.

Oh, Dana, revenge is such an ugly word.

But it's the correct one.

Oh, oh, Dana, come on. You know me. I could never

understand unless you explain further.

Okay.

Jim already feels so guilty, he would do anything for you. So use your

imagination. Have fun. You could really... Well, punish is an ugly word.

But it is the correct word.

Jim!

Do you think he heard you?

And thanks for calling me Jim.

You know that little deli that has the corned beef I like?

In Milwaukee?

I think a sandwich from there really picked me up.

I'll be back in four hours.

I have never been prouder of you.

When he gets home, I'm going to tell him you forgot the potatoes.

I guess I'm going to cry.

I'm here for you, baby.

for you, baby.

What you doing?

The bereaved wants cocoa.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, Cheryl's laying it on thick

like this just to punish you?

Of course it's occurred to me.

I had to go to Iowa for ice cream.

Hold on it. This slave toady thing is pathetic. You're like me with a new

girlfriend.

I can't call her on anything, never again. What if I'm wrong?

If I'm wrong, I'll be doing nice stuff till I die.

Hello.

My cocoa.

Almost done.

I can't take this anymore.

Her little games are gnawing at me like a starving coyote ripping at my salty

thighs.

You are upset.

That's a hell of a metaphor.

I want revenge, but I'm stuck.

I don't have a move.

Spittin' her cocoa.

What?

Spittin' her cocoa. It's perfect.

What are you, crazy?

Trust me. It'll make you feel a whole lot better.

I do it all the time at work.

You work with me. I know what you're thinking. Let's stay focused on Cheryl.

I'm not going to spit in my wife's cocoa. Take it from a man who's often

and always powerless.

Do it, Jim.

Do it.

Jim? Jim?

Odorless.

Colorless.

Here's your hot cocoa, dear.

Be careful.

It's very hot.

You're having a hard time right now.

And I'm no judge of the grief process, but I'm really beginning to hate you.

What?

I just spit in your cocoa.

What? I know. It surprised me, too.

What the hell is going on?

I just feel like, you know, you're still working me.

Well, I am working you.

You're what?

Yeah, Toots, and you deserve it.

Aha!

Yo, yo, you are so far from an aha. Ah, mister.

What do you mean I'm on the corner of ah and ha?

No, Jim.

No, you're not.

You know, you haven't understood what I'm going through from the beginning.

My Uncle Donald was my dad's big brother.

I caught my first fish with him and my dad.

They taught me how to ride a bike.

I sat between them when I was too afraid to ride on the Ferris wheel.

And, you know, those are just three of about a thousand memories.

You know, I'll get through the rest as fast as I can.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's sad, Jim. It's just sad.

I know, I know.

I mean, look at her. She's obviously really feeling this. She's so upset

now. I just blew the whole thing.

Not that.

Uncle Donald didn't take me fishing.

I never rode a Ferris wheel.

I just wanted mashed potatoes. Is that so wrong?

I made some new hot cocoa for you.

100 % spit -free.

I'd have done the same thing.

Followed by that.

Mind if I join you?

You know, I was thinking about your Uncle Donald and how it

reminded me about your dad and what a great guy he was.

He was the best.

Yeah.

And I also thought about when your dad died, it seemed like he got

over it so quickly.

I had to.

My mom completely lost it. The kids were babies. I had to be there for Andy and

Dana.

No, no, no, I remember.

That's why I didn't understand why you got so upset over Uncle Donald.

And then it hit me that all those stories you were telling about Uncle

included your father.

So then I thought, well, maybe you were thinking about your dad, too.

And you're doing now what...

you didn't get to do back then.

Why don't you drink some of that hot cocoa before it gets cold?

Would you do me a favor?

Anything.

Would you sip from both of them?

Seriously, do it.