All language subtitles for According to Jim s06e03 Guinea Pygmalion
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1
00:00:00,490 --> 00:00:04,310
I'm not doing it. I said do it. I am not
doing it.
2
00:00:08,930 --> 00:00:15,730
You are a guest in my house. You do as I
say. I brought
3
00:00:15,730 --> 00:00:16,930
the chips and beer.
4
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:44,080
to find that remote.
5
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,980
I think he's just not in the mood. And,
Kyle, you're kidding when you say little
6
00:01:17,980 --> 00:01:18,980
dog, right?
7
00:01:19,740 --> 00:01:20,740
Yes.
8
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,860
Could you not do that? It scares Mommy.
9
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,920
Hank, what's up? Hey, Buffy won't jump.
10
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Sure he will.
11
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,840
Here, let me light a match. No, no.
12
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,860
Yeah, I think you're right, Jim. I
really think we need to take him to the
13
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,680
Kids, go ahead. Get Fluffy's cage.
14
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Okay. I got it, Cheryl.
15
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The vet.
16
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I'll take him to the vet.
17
00:01:56,480 --> 00:02:01,740
No, Jim. I mean, really take him to the
vet. Don't drop him in the woods behind
18
00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:02,740
the lumberyard.
19
00:02:03,860 --> 00:02:05,520
Come on. Those woods are paradise.
20
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:08,280
I drop Andy off there when he drinks too
much.
21
00:02:11,470 --> 00:02:12,630
What about the kid's three -legged
mouse?
22
00:02:12,830 --> 00:02:13,830
How'd he like it, huh?
23
00:02:13,870 --> 00:02:14,870
A little tripod?
24
00:02:15,190 --> 00:02:19,070
Yes. He was never happier when he
wobbled off to that tree line.
25
00:02:20,050 --> 00:02:22,850
Jim, come on. I think you really need to
take him to the vet.
26
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All right.
27
00:02:26,050 --> 00:02:27,210
Uh, where's the vet?
28
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You know where it is. You've been there,
like, five times.
29
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No, I haven't.
30
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:45,330
Oh, hey, what are you doing?
31
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It's 50 bucks just to walk in this
place. I'm getting something for it.
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Wow. 50 bucks?
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For 50 bucks, you could buy six new
fluffies and a pint of premium ice
34
00:02:59,230 --> 00:03:03,030
Well, I have good news. Dr. Zebranski
found your guinea pig's problem.
35
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:04,250
Oh, great.
36
00:03:04,390 --> 00:03:05,390
Great.
37
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:06,750
It's a miracle.
38
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:10,450
Hey, there.
39
00:03:12,770 --> 00:03:17,210
I believe all... life is sacred. In
fact, I operate my own private monkey
40
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preserve.
41
00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:22,130
I'm Andy, and I don't wear fur.
42
00:03:24,410 --> 00:03:26,470
That's a nice leather jacket.
43
00:03:30,470 --> 00:03:31,470
Hear that?
44
00:03:31,710 --> 00:03:32,950
Chicks dig the jacket.
45
00:03:34,630 --> 00:03:37,210
Helen, could you please put out some
more doggy treats?
46
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,000
Fluffy's father?
47
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:54,040
I like to think so, but he looks a lot
like the mailman.
48
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,680
So what's Fluffy got?
49
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,700
An eraser blocking his intestine.
50
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,620
He needs surgery, otherwise he'll die a
slow and painful death.
51
00:04:07,460 --> 00:04:10,200
Can you make it a quick and pleasant
death?
52
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:15,060
Forgive me, but I don't find the
suffering of animals very amusing.
53
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,600
Do you find anything amusing?
54
00:04:19,470 --> 00:04:22,870
Well, yeah, here's a good one. The
surgery will cost you $2 ,100.
55
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:27,350
$2 ,100?
56
00:04:27,830 --> 00:04:30,710
I wouldn't get an eraser out of my wife
for $2 ,100.
57
00:04:32,950 --> 00:04:33,950
Excuse me.
58
00:04:34,750 --> 00:04:39,190
Is Helen allowed to date friends of
patients, or is she reserved for the
59
00:04:40,390 --> 00:04:41,410
She's my daughter.
60
00:04:43,410 --> 00:04:44,430
Answer the question.
61
00:04:46,510 --> 00:04:50,730
Look. If you want to save some money,
perhaps you could take Fluffy home and
62
00:04:50,730 --> 00:04:54,090
squeeze him real hard and see if the
eraser just shoots out.
63
00:04:55,370 --> 00:04:57,050
I tried that on the way in.
64
00:04:57,830 --> 00:04:59,730
Just made his eyes bulge a little bit.
65
00:05:00,770 --> 00:05:02,610
Is that some more animal humor?
66
00:05:04,250 --> 00:05:05,250
Well, yes, it is.
67
00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:17,490
Hey, Cheryl.
68
00:05:17,630 --> 00:05:18,630
Hey.
69
00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,130
How's Fluffy?
70
00:05:20,410 --> 00:05:21,410
Yeah.
71
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,590
He needs surgery. It costs $2 ,100.
72
00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:25,490
Oh, my God.
73
00:05:26,490 --> 00:05:27,670
What's it scheduled for?
74
00:05:30,070 --> 00:05:33,550
Well, the same day that $2 ,100 falls
from the sky.
75
00:05:34,410 --> 00:05:38,410
Okay. Now, honey, I know it's a lot of
money, but we're just going to have to
76
00:05:38,410 --> 00:05:41,870
find a way to make some cutbacks. You
know what? You're absolutely right.
77
00:05:41,870 --> 00:05:43,570
cutback, Fluffy the guinea pig.
78
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,780
You can't just let him die. He's part of
this family. Part of the family?
79
00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:51,960
Yeah. In order to be part of this
family, honey, you should at least be
80
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,140
call my name or bring me food or fetch a
ball.
81
00:05:56,060 --> 00:05:58,360
For God's sake, Kyle just made it under
the wire.
82
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:03,360
Jim, some things are more important than
money.
83
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:11,780
Even if that was true, guinea pigs
aren't on that list.
84
00:06:14,830 --> 00:06:17,150
He is very important to this family.
85
00:06:17,730 --> 00:06:22,930
And as chief financial officer of this
family, I am declaring a $200 limit on
86
00:06:22,930 --> 00:06:23,930
pets.
87
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:27,310
After that, there's a little piece of
the yard that's going to get a little
88
00:06:27,310 --> 00:06:28,310
greener.
89
00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:32,670
Well, I'll tell you one thing, Chief.
The kids are going to be devastated.
90
00:06:34,690 --> 00:06:35,690
Yeah, the kids.
91
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:36,770
Yeah.
92
00:06:37,270 --> 00:06:40,090
It's going to be rough on them. I know.
Hey, kids, come on in here.
93
00:06:40,850 --> 00:06:43,270
Look, I'm going to get washed up for
dinner. If they start crying, I'll eat
94
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:44,270
upstairs.
95
00:06:52,110 --> 00:06:53,430
Why don't you come down here for a
minute?
96
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:57,630
Daddy's going to explain to you what's
happening with Fluffy. Oh, I don't know.
97
00:06:57,690 --> 00:07:00,790
I think Mommy could do it much better
than Daddy.
98
00:07:01,050 --> 00:07:02,950
Well, we'll never really know until
Daddy tries.
99
00:07:06,070 --> 00:07:07,070
All right.
100
00:07:08,190 --> 00:07:11,950
All right, well, you kids are old enough
now. I can tell you the truth.
101
00:07:12,370 --> 00:07:13,370
Right?
102
00:07:14,230 --> 00:07:18,630
Well, Fluffy's swallowed an eraser and
he needs a $2 ,100 surgery.
103
00:07:19,010 --> 00:07:20,010
So he's going to be...
104
00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:29,220
Okay, okay, okay.
105
00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:35,700
When we got Fluffy, brand new, he cost
eight bucks, okay?
106
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,620
When we drove him out of the pet store,
you cut that in half.
107
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,760
And with an eraser in his gullet, his
Blue Book value is two 250 tops.
108
00:07:44,820 --> 00:07:47,820
I'm trying to tell you, Fluffy has been
totaled.
109
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,400
You can't put a price on man's best
friend.
110
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,180
Kyle, Fluffy, guinea pig.
111
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:02,800
Do you know what we could get with $2
,100 for this family?
112
00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:08,660
We could get a jet ski, a riding
lawnmower, or a dirt bike.
113
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:12,160
Or something you guys would like.
114
00:08:14,020 --> 00:08:15,480
So Fluffy's going to die.
115
00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:19,980
Come here, kids, listen.
116
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,060
Everybody is going to die someday.
117
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Me, Mommy, the three of you.
118
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Oh, no.
119
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That is too bad.
120
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:55,390
I really wanted to videotape it when the
kids found out they were going to die
121
00:08:55,390 --> 00:08:56,390
someday.
122
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,160
Little furball is the cutest, sweetest
thing I've ever seen.
123
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,440
Oh.
124
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:08,720
Thank you.
125
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:09,920
What's he here for?
126
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:11,500
Oh, I'm putting him down.
127
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,940
They built the mall behind the
lumberyard.
128
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,480
Hey, Jim.
129
00:09:24,860 --> 00:09:26,360
Amy, what the hell is that?
130
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,400
trip ticket to Helen's heart and all
nearby attractions.
131
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,560
His name's Icarus. If Helen asks, I've
raised him since he was a cub.
132
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,780
Birds don't have cubs.
133
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:47,020
Fine, calf, kitten, toddler. The point
is, when the egg cracked, I'm the face
134
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,020
saw.
135
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,020
And I'm a millionaire. Don't blow this.
136
00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:52,540
Andrea,
137
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,940
you can bring Esmeralda to... Holy crap!
138
00:09:59,630 --> 00:10:01,910
Might I invite you to examine my bird?
139
00:10:04,010 --> 00:10:08,270
Where did you get that thing? Jim,
you've seen him a hundred times.
140
00:10:09,250 --> 00:10:11,810
Icarus keeps an eye on things at the
monkey preserve.
141
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:16,970
I'm sorry, but we don't handle falcons.
142
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,450
Falcon?
143
00:10:19,310 --> 00:10:21,230
I asked for an eagle. What the hell?
144
00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:28,980
Probably smells a loose chimp.
145
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,620
I'll call you. Icky!
146
00:10:32,140 --> 00:10:33,140
Icky! Hands!
147
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,940
Uh, uh, Jim, we're just about ready for
Fluffy, so you might want to say your
148
00:10:37,940 --> 00:10:38,759
final goodbye.
149
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:39,760
Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks.
150
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:46,480
See ya.
151
00:10:51,060 --> 00:10:52,280
Hey, Jim, hold on.
152
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,240
Over here.
153
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,290
box, you idiot.
154
00:11:00,650 --> 00:11:02,530
All right, Fluffy, don't mess with my
head now.
155
00:11:03,070 --> 00:11:07,250
Look, I think you're making a big
mistake here. Listen, you had a rich,
156
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,890
eight months of life, all right?
157
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:10,690
Hey, look, this isn't about me.
158
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:11,970
It's about you.
159
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:12,829
Oh, it is?
160
00:11:12,830 --> 00:11:15,550
Yeah. Well, I'm not the one going into
his last shoebox.
161
00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:17,010
Oh, yeah, right.
162
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,350
Well, you're missing the big picture
here, mister.
163
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:23,770
You need me. I can help you. Come a
little closer. Come here.
164
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:32,710
Can you grant wishes?
165
00:11:34,790 --> 00:11:38,130
Just one. I could take you from a zero
to a hero.
166
00:11:38,450 --> 00:11:42,390
A hero? I don't want to be a hero. Come
on now, listen to me.
167
00:11:43,230 --> 00:11:46,870
Think of the look on your kids' faces
when they see me after the surgery.
168
00:11:47,170 --> 00:11:48,410
As good as new.
169
00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:51,750
Ta -da!
170
00:12:07,290 --> 00:12:12,850
You see, Jim, isn't it worth $2 ,100 for
your kids to know what a good guy you
171
00:12:12,850 --> 00:12:13,990
are? I'm not that good.
172
00:12:15,230 --> 00:12:18,870
Come on, Jim. Some things are more
important than money.
173
00:12:19,350 --> 00:12:20,710
Why does everyone keep saying that?
174
00:12:21,990 --> 00:12:23,610
And look at my little nose.
175
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,370
I'm adorable, huh?
176
00:12:26,930 --> 00:12:27,930
Stop it.
177
00:12:27,950 --> 00:12:30,410
Just stop it. Stop looking so damn cute.
178
00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:34,230
It's the lab coat. It really is
slimming, don't you think?
179
00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:39,250
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to push
on with this. I've got a couple of
180
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:43,370
neuterings later this afternoon, and
those dogs don't castrate themselves.
181
00:12:47,210 --> 00:12:48,910
Wait, Doc, Doc, hold on a second.
182
00:12:52,910 --> 00:12:54,470
I want to shave Fluffy.
183
00:12:56,570 --> 00:12:57,790
I'll pay for the surgery.
184
00:12:58,730 --> 00:12:59,730
Oh, that's great.
185
00:13:00,410 --> 00:13:01,410
Helen.
186
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:03,440
Cancel the neuterings.
187
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,140
You've just made one guinea pig and two
dogs very happy.
188
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,120
So, uh, how do you want to pay for that?
189
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,480
Uh, with my kid's college fund.
190
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:18,720
I mean, a little one thinks he's a dog
anyways.
191
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,860
He ain't gonna make it to college.
192
00:13:32,970 --> 00:13:35,610
I have something very important to tell
you about Fluffy.
193
00:13:36,470 --> 00:13:43,070
The last thing he said was, Thank you
very much, Jimmy, for saving my
194
00:13:43,070 --> 00:13:44,070
life!
195
00:14:12,510 --> 00:14:16,470
Jim, it is kind of obvious. You just
bought another guinea pig from the pet
196
00:14:16,470 --> 00:14:17,630
store. What?
197
00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:20,650
This is fluffy.
198
00:14:20,870 --> 00:14:23,730
Look, there are things that are more
important than money.
199
00:14:25,410 --> 00:14:26,930
Okay, now I know you're lying.
200
00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:29,670
You're not idiots.
201
00:14:30,090 --> 00:14:31,830
Yeah, where's our dog?
202
00:14:33,850 --> 00:14:35,810
It's fluffy, kids, it's fluffy.
203
00:14:36,510 --> 00:14:38,350
I'm telling you, this is fluffy.
204
00:14:38,590 --> 00:14:40,510
Okay, okay, if this is fluffy.
205
00:14:41,050 --> 00:14:42,050
Fluffy.
206
00:14:46,540 --> 00:14:47,540
for crying out loud.
207
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,680
After your C -section, you didn't shovel
snow for three days.
208
00:14:53,180 --> 00:14:54,099
Come on.
209
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:55,100
Give him a break.
210
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,580
You got a receipt from the vet?
211
00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:03,460
Is it really that hard to believe that I
would do something good?
212
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:05,680
Yes.
213
00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:07,540
Fine. Fine.
214
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,300
Fine. Forget it.
215
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,900
You know what? Believe what you want to
believe.
216
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,400
Because I know what I did for Fluffy and
he knows what I did for him.
217
00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:19,410
Now, I'm going to go and give him some
expensive medicine, make some special
218
00:15:19,410 --> 00:15:24,430
food, and nurse him back to health so he
can jump off this banister and prove to
219
00:15:24,430 --> 00:15:26,030
all of you, you're wrong.
220
00:15:29,270 --> 00:15:34,250
I'll be, excuse me, my hand tells me
that the surgery was successful.
221
00:15:44,460 --> 00:15:49,900
Doing the town and doing it right in the
evening.
222
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,500
It's pretty pleasing.
223
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,120
Muskrat Susie. Muskrat Sam.
224
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:08,660
Do the jitterbug at Muskrat Land and the
shimmy.
225
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,700
Sam is so sweet.
226
00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:24,770
Singing and jinging a jangle.
227
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,770
Floating like the heavens above.
228
00:16:29,470 --> 00:16:32,370
Looks like muskrat love.
229
00:16:39,910 --> 00:16:41,790
Sibling on baby.
230
00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:44,050
Chewing on cheese.
231
00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:50,390
Sam says a soothing honey. Would you
please be my midday?
232
00:16:53,870 --> 00:16:57,430
In ten years of fatherhood, you've never
once cooked for your kids, but you're
233
00:16:57,430 --> 00:16:58,430
cooking for Fluffy?
234
00:16:59,210 --> 00:17:01,290
Well, I didn't want to say this out
loud, but fine.
235
00:17:01,970 --> 00:17:03,130
I like Fluffy better.
236
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:28,760
for anything.
237
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:38,500
Anything.
238
00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:54,020
What is it, Buffy?
239
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:56,520
What is it, boy?
240
00:18:00,270 --> 00:18:02,650
Oh, my God! My God! Fire! Fire!
241
00:18:03,570 --> 00:18:04,570
Everybody out!
242
00:18:04,990 --> 00:18:06,150
Everybody out of the house!
243
00:18:06,470 --> 00:18:07,470
There's a fire!
244
00:18:11,030 --> 00:18:13,250
Everyone here? Yeah, we're all here.
We're okay.
245
00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:15,970
Fluffy! Where's Fluffy?
246
00:18:16,990 --> 00:18:19,930
He's in the house. I gotta go back and
get him. No, it's dangerous! No, I gotta
247
00:18:19,930 --> 00:18:20,930
go!
248
00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:23,550
So, he's sticking with the Fluffy story?
249
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,550
Fluffy. Oh, there you are, boy.
250
00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:36,130
Okay. Hold your breath and stay low.
251
00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:38,350
Don't quit on me. Come on.
252
00:18:39,190 --> 00:18:40,190
I got him.
253
00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,110
I got him.
254
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:47,550
Honey, that's my slipper.
255
00:19:07,429 --> 00:19:08,750
Fluffy, jump!
256
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:13,010
Fluffy, please jump.
257
00:19:13,970 --> 00:19:15,790
You're important to this family.
258
00:19:16,870 --> 00:19:18,250
You're important to me.
259
00:19:19,510 --> 00:19:26,450
Unless you want to go from Fluffy to
Crispy.
260
00:19:46,540 --> 00:19:49,080
Real fluffy all along. I never should
have doubted you.
261
00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:51,840
Well, so now you'll never doubt me
again?
262
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,640
Let's just leave it where it is.
263
00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:59,000
Hey, hey, is everything all right?
264
00:19:59,260 --> 00:20:02,100
Oh, it wasn't much of a fire. Just a lot
of smoke from the stove.
265
00:20:02,420 --> 00:20:03,420
Oh, that's a relief.
266
00:20:04,060 --> 00:20:06,880
Honestly, is homemade guinea pig food
really necessary?
267
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:11,460
If your guinea pig is important to you,
then it is.
268
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:19,580
Please. You know, don't feel bad. You
did your part.
269
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,480
Thank you.
270
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,380
God, I heard the siren. What happened?
271
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:26,940
Daddy was awesome.
272
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:30,960
He saved us, and he saved Fluffy. Yeah,
you were brave, honey.
273
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,920
Yeah, Daddy. You're the best.
274
00:20:33,260 --> 00:20:34,760
Oh, thank you, everyone.
275
00:20:35,220 --> 00:20:36,220
That means a lot.
276
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,040
It means everything.
277
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:41,660
And we love Fluffy, and we're going to
love him forever and ever.
278
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,100
Actually, they go about five years.
279
00:20:53,830 --> 00:20:54,830
Where is Fluffy?
280
00:20:55,610 --> 00:20:57,130
Oh, I see him. He's on the porch.
281
00:20:57,390 --> 00:21:02,910
Oh. Oh, my God, interest!
282
00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:04,870
Fluffy, no!
283
00:21:04,910 --> 00:21:05,910
No, Fluffy!
284
00:21:06,530 --> 00:21:08,830
Fluffy! Oh, my God!
285
00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:11,410
I've never seen anything like that.
286
00:21:11,650 --> 00:21:13,850
Oh, Jim, this is awful.
287
00:21:14,410 --> 00:21:20,550
Cheryl, I promise I will find a way to
replace...
288
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,400
of yours.
20365
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