Original subtitles

I'm not doing it. I said do it. I am not doing it.

You are a guest in my house. You do as I say. I brought

the chips and beer.

to find that remote.

I think he's just not in the mood. And, Kyle, you're kidding when you say little

dog, right?

Yes.

Could you not do that? It scares Mommy.

Hank, what's up? Hey, Buffy won't jump.

Sure he will.

Here, let me light a match. No, no.

Yeah, I think you're right, Jim. I really think we need to take him to the

Kids, go ahead. Get Fluffy's cage.

Okay. I got it, Cheryl.

The vet.

I'll take him to the vet.

No, Jim. I mean, really take him to the vet. Don't drop him in the woods behind

the lumberyard.

Come on. Those woods are paradise.

I drop Andy off there when he drinks too much.

What about the kid's three -legged mouse?

How'd he like it, huh?

A little tripod?

Yes. He was never happier when he wobbled off to that tree line.

Jim, come on. I think you really need to take him to the vet.

All right.

Uh, where's the vet?

You know where it is. You've been there, like, five times.

No, I haven't.

Oh, hey, what are you doing?

It's 50 bucks just to walk in this place. I'm getting something for it.

Wow. 50 bucks?

For 50 bucks, you could buy six new fluffies and a pint of premium ice

Well, I have good news. Dr. Zebranski found your guinea pig's problem.

Oh, great.

Great.

It's a miracle.

Hey, there.

I believe all... life is sacred. In fact, I operate my own private monkey

preserve.

I'm Andy, and I don't wear fur.

That's a nice leather jacket.

Hear that?

Chicks dig the jacket.

Helen, could you please put out some more doggy treats?

Fluffy's father?

I like to think so, but he looks a lot like the mailman.

So what's Fluffy got?

An eraser blocking his intestine.

He needs surgery, otherwise he'll die a slow and painful death.

Can you make it a quick and pleasant death?

Forgive me, but I don't find the suffering of animals very amusing.

Do you find anything amusing?

Well, yeah, here's a good one. The surgery will cost you $2 ,100.

$2 ,100?

I wouldn't get an eraser out of my wife for $2 ,100.

Excuse me.

Is Helen allowed to date friends of patients, or is she reserved for the

She's my daughter.

Answer the question.

Look. If you want to save some money, perhaps you could take Fluffy home and

squeeze him real hard and see if the eraser just shoots out.

I tried that on the way in.

Just made his eyes bulge a little bit.

Is that some more animal humor?

Well, yes, it is.

Hey, Cheryl.

Hey.

How's Fluffy?

Yeah.

He needs surgery. It costs $2 ,100.

Oh, my God.

What's it scheduled for?

Well, the same day that $2 ,100 falls from the sky.

Okay. Now, honey, I know it's a lot of money, but we're just going to have to

find a way to make some cutbacks. You know what? You're absolutely right.

cutback, Fluffy the guinea pig.

You can't just let him die. He's part of this family. Part of the family?

Yeah. In order to be part of this family, honey, you should at least be

call my name or bring me food or fetch a ball.

For God's sake, Kyle just made it under the wire.

Jim, some things are more important than money.

Even if that was true, guinea pigs aren't on that list.

He is very important to this family.

And as chief financial officer of this family, I am declaring a $200 limit on

pets.

After that, there's a little piece of the yard that's going to get a little

greener.

Well, I'll tell you one thing, Chief. The kids are going to be devastated.

Yeah, the kids.

Yeah.

It's going to be rough on them. I know. Hey, kids, come on in here.

Look, I'm going to get washed up for dinner. If they start crying, I'll eat

upstairs.

Why don't you come down here for a minute?

Daddy's going to explain to you what's happening with Fluffy. Oh, I don't know.

I think Mommy could do it much better than Daddy.

Well, we'll never really know until Daddy tries.

All right.

All right, well, you kids are old enough now. I can tell you the truth.

Right?

Well, Fluffy's swallowed an eraser and he needs a $2 ,100 surgery.

So he's going to be...

Okay, okay, okay.

When we got Fluffy, brand new, he cost eight bucks, okay?

When we drove him out of the pet store, you cut that in half.

And with an eraser in his gullet, his Blue Book value is two 250 tops.

I'm trying to tell you, Fluffy has been totaled.

You can't put a price on man's best friend.

Kyle, Fluffy, guinea pig.

Do you know what we could get with $2 ,100 for this family?

We could get a jet ski, a riding lawnmower, or a dirt bike.

Or something you guys would like.

So Fluffy's going to die.

Come here, kids, listen.

Everybody is going to die someday.

Me, Mommy, the three of you.

Oh, no.

That is too bad.

I really wanted to videotape it when the kids found out they were going to die

someday.

Little furball is the cutest, sweetest thing I've ever seen.

Oh.

Thank you.

What's he here for?

Oh, I'm putting him down.

They built the mall behind the lumberyard.

Hey, Jim.

Amy, what the hell is that?

trip ticket to Helen's heart and all nearby attractions.

His name's Icarus. If Helen asks, I've raised him since he was a cub.

Birds don't have cubs.

Fine, calf, kitten, toddler. The point is, when the egg cracked, I'm the face

saw.

And I'm a millionaire. Don't blow this.

Andrea,

you can bring Esmeralda to... Holy crap!

Might I invite you to examine my bird?

Where did you get that thing? Jim, you've seen him a hundred times.

Icarus keeps an eye on things at the monkey preserve.

I'm sorry, but we don't handle falcons.

Falcon?

I asked for an eagle. What the hell?

Probably smells a loose chimp.

I'll call you. Icky!

Icky! Hands!

Uh, uh, Jim, we're just about ready for Fluffy, so you might want to say your

final goodbye.

Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks.

See ya.

Hey, Jim, hold on.

Over here.

box, you idiot.

All right, Fluffy, don't mess with my head now.

Look, I think you're making a big mistake here. Listen, you had a rich,

eight months of life, all right?

Hey, look, this isn't about me.

It's about you.

Oh, it is?

Yeah. Well, I'm not the one going into his last shoebox.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, you're missing the big picture here, mister.

You need me. I can help you. Come a little closer. Come here.

Can you grant wishes?

Just one. I could take you from a zero to a hero.

A hero? I don't want to be a hero. Come on now, listen to me.

Think of the look on your kids' faces when they see me after the surgery.

As good as new.

Ta -da!

You see, Jim, isn't it worth $2 ,100 for your kids to know what a good guy you

are? I'm not that good.

Come on, Jim. Some things are more important than money.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

And look at my little nose.

I'm adorable, huh?

Stop it.

Just stop it. Stop looking so damn cute.

It's the lab coat. It really is slimming, don't you think?

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to push on with this. I've got a couple of

neuterings later this afternoon, and those dogs don't castrate themselves.

Wait, Doc, Doc, hold on a second.

I want to shave Fluffy.

I'll pay for the surgery.

Oh, that's great.

Helen.

Cancel the neuterings.

You've just made one guinea pig and two dogs very happy.

So, uh, how do you want to pay for that?

Uh, with my kid's college fund.

I mean, a little one thinks he's a dog anyways.

He ain't gonna make it to college.

I have something very important to tell you about Fluffy.

The last thing he said was, Thank you very much, Jimmy, for saving my

life!

Jim, it is kind of obvious. You just bought another guinea pig from the pet

store. What?

This is fluffy.

Look, there are things that are more important than money.

Okay, now I know you're lying.

You're not idiots.

Yeah, where's our dog?

It's fluffy, kids, it's fluffy.

I'm telling you, this is fluffy.

Okay, okay, if this is fluffy.

Fluffy.

for crying out loud.

After your C -section, you didn't shovel snow for three days.

Come on.

Give him a break.

You got a receipt from the vet?

Is it really that hard to believe that I would do something good?

Yes.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Forget it.

You know what? Believe what you want to believe.

Because I know what I did for Fluffy and he knows what I did for him.

Now, I'm going to go and give him some expensive medicine, make some special

food, and nurse him back to health so he can jump off this banister and prove to

all of you, you're wrong.

I'll be, excuse me, my hand tells me that the surgery was successful.

Doing the town and doing it right in the evening.

It's pretty pleasing.

Muskrat Susie. Muskrat Sam.

Do the jitterbug at Muskrat Land and the shimmy.

Sam is so sweet.

Singing and jinging a jangle.

Floating like the heavens above.

Looks like muskrat love.

Sibling on baby.

Chewing on cheese.

Sam says a soothing honey. Would you please be my midday?

In ten years of fatherhood, you've never once cooked for your kids, but you're

cooking for Fluffy?

Well, I didn't want to say this out loud, but fine.

I like Fluffy better.

for anything.

Anything.

What is it, Buffy?

What is it, boy?

Oh, my God! My God! Fire! Fire!

Everybody out!

Everybody out of the house!

There's a fire!

Everyone here? Yeah, we're all here. We're okay.

Fluffy! Where's Fluffy?

He's in the house. I gotta go back and get him. No, it's dangerous! No, I gotta

go!

So, he's sticking with the Fluffy story?

Fluffy. Oh, there you are, boy.

Okay. Hold your breath and stay low.

Don't quit on me. Come on.

I got him.

I got him.

Honey, that's my slipper.

Fluffy, jump!

Fluffy, please jump.

You're important to this family.

You're important to me.

Unless you want to go from Fluffy to Crispy.

Real fluffy all along. I never should have doubted you.

Well, so now you'll never doubt me again?

Let's just leave it where it is.

Hey, hey, is everything all right?

Oh, it wasn't much of a fire. Just a lot of smoke from the stove.

Oh, that's a relief.

Honestly, is homemade guinea pig food really necessary?

If your guinea pig is important to you, then it is.

Please. You know, don't feel bad. You did your part.

Thank you.

God, I heard the siren. What happened?

Daddy was awesome.

He saved us, and he saved Fluffy. Yeah, you were brave, honey.

Yeah, Daddy. You're the best.

Oh, thank you, everyone.

That means a lot.

It means everything.

And we love Fluffy, and we're going to love him forever and ever.

Actually, they go about five years.

Where is Fluffy?

Oh, I see him. He's on the porch.

Oh. Oh, my God, interest!

Fluffy, no!

No, Fluffy!

Fluffy! Oh, my God!

I've never seen anything like that.

Oh, Jim, this is awful.

Cheryl, I promise I will find a way to replace...

of yours.