All language subtitles for According to Jim s05e21 Jims Best Friend

Man, all those times we ran out of
propane before our steaks were done,

thought of hooking directly into the
house's gas line.

Yeah, all those other times we weren't
drinking beer either.

All right. Okay.

Ready? Uh -huh.

Turned against her? Yeah, it's the
house.

Oh,

my

God!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Turned on its side, we got ourselves a
rocket car?

Yeah!

Oh,

baby.

You know, Kyle?

For a father and son, there is nothing
like the first time they race slot cars

together. Daddy, can Cal swim?

Kyle, it's the same answer as yesterday.

Only when they have to.

Ready, set, go!

my son.

Hey. Hey, Cheryl.

Can cows swim?

I don't care.

Hey, where's Andy? I thought you guys
had the Andeanapolis 500 today.

Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he
had a doctor's appointment. You know

what? He's been on this health kick ever
since he had those chest pains. I don't

get it.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to do a few pages in our
holiday scrapbook later. Want to help

I'm bored, Cheryl, not somebody else.

Oh, you're so bored.

Would you mind taking this over to Dana
for me?

Fine. Thank you.

You want to take Kyle with you?

I don't know. He seems a little busy.

And a little weird.

Stain was on there before I stopped for
coffee.

Jim, it's still wet.

Weird.

The strap is torn.

Yeah, well, that was torn before I
slammed it in the car door.

a versatile one.

Okay, okay, hey, look, don't get the
wrong idea, all right?

I know it looks like something else, but
believe me, we're just playing chess.

Just playing chess?

Then what are you sneaking around for?

Can you answer that question, Doc?

I don't know, Jim.

Maybe if you played chess with Andy at
home a little more often, he wouldn't

have to come around here looking for it.

Yeah, well, maybe I'd play more chess
with him if it wasn't the stupidest game

in the whole world. It is not the
stupidest game in the whole world. Oh,

right, you're right. It's the gayest.
Oh, come on. Guys,

please, can't we be civil here? All
right, you're right, you're right,

right.

What?

Are you wearing Ryan's sweatpants?

Um, yeah, uh, yeah, I spilled something.

Coffee. Orange juice.

Orange juice.

Decaf latte with just a little bit of
foam.

So, is this the reason that you missed
bowling the other night? No, no.

Yeah.

And why you left early during the Planet
of the Apes marathon?

You probably didn't even have the chest
paints, did you? No, no, those were

real.

I don't know what that was all about.
Probably gas.

You had chest pains, Andy?

Okay, you know what? That's it. I'm
taking your blood pressure. As long as

don't do it rectally.

Not if you were stuffed full of gold.

Hey, hurry back. You are 37 moves away
from complete destruction.

Chest time!

Why can't you tell me the truth?

Well, because, Jim, it's not always easy
to tell you the truth. What do you mean

I'm easy as pie, man?

Oh, Jim, sometimes you're a little
confrontational.

Me?

Confrontational? Yeah. Come on.

Come on, try me. Try me. No. Try me!

Sometimes you're a little overwhelming,
and I gotta tell you, you can be mean.

What?

needs a break from you. Oh, and he wants
a break from Jim.

Oh, yeah. You need a break from me, huh?
Yeah, crazy, isn't it? I mean, most

people like to get yelled at all the
time. Well, why don't you hang around

your little buddy Ryan there? All he
yells is ch -ch -ch -ch -ch -chest time!

Ch -ch -ch -ch -ch -chest time!

You know what, Jim? That's a great idea.

Maybe I will. Maybe I'll just hang out
with Ryan more often. And you, you have

fun hanging out by yourself.

I'm not gonna hang... out by myself. I
won't have to hang out by myself. Yeah,

you will, Jim, and here's why. Why? I'm
your only friend and you know it.

Come on.

I got a pizza for Dr. Ryan. Get great.

The pain side.

Jim, Jim's taking the lead from Jim.

Jim's taking the lead from Jim. Now
Jim's coming up on Jim. He's coming up

closer. Oh, no, Jim is leading. Oh, my
God, we're coming to the final trap, and

Jim beats Jim.

You can't race cars.

I am going to kick your ass.

Are you mad at me?

No, honey, I was just...

Driving safely.

Cheryl, you got to go faster. I am
lapping you.

No, slow and steady wins the race. It's
like the tortoise and the hare. Your guy

is going to get really tired.

Ah, see? Ah, it's just after you.

Slow and steady.

Can't play with you.

Well, then I guess we're just going to
have to wait until Andy's done playing

chess with Ryan.

Rhino, the stupid.

Honey, why don't you just admit that
you're jealous of Ryan?

Well, he does get to see a lot of naked
women.

But he says it's much different than
that. No, no!

He's jealous all the time he's spending
with Andy.

What? You know, it's okay that you miss
him.

I don't miss him.

I don't miss him.

He just, he wants to take a break from
me.

Optimism and his look on life, his
cheery attitude makes me sick.

Hey, you want to call the guys in the
band?

No.

They're okay as a group, but
individually they're a little creepy.

Every time I shake Tony's hand, he holds
on to it just a little too long.

Freaks me out.

Hey, you know what?

Kyle's friend Jackman is coming over to
play. I'm going to call and have him...

dad bring him? Oh, Kevin?

Yeah. He doesn't even know me.

Yes, he likes you.

He does?

Yeah.

What did he say? He said he likes you.

He said that?

Yeah.

What were his exact words?

Well, I think he said that he'd see you
around sometime.

trying to put me on a play date. Now
it's a blind play date?

Look, you seem lonely.

Lonely? What's lonely about a grown man
playing slot cars by himself?

I don't know. The by himself part.

The grown man part.

You know, really the slot car part.

Where are you going?

I'm going to a bar called Stevie B's
where they have sports.

So, lady, you clean up this house, do
something with your hair because I'm

coming home with a man.

It's going okay. Yeah, cool.

Well, actually, I'm going to have to...

What's

going on?

Nothing, I just thought... I guess that
was really funny.

What was?

You know, what you said.

Did you even hear what I said?

No.

But you laughed at anyone?

See you guys.

Rough day?

Yeah, pretty bad.

Why are you up here?

Can I get another one for my friend
here?

Wings, man.

That's great. That's just terrific.
Thank you. I am Jim. Henry, nice to meet

you. Nice to meet you.

Oh, great.

That's really nice of you, man.

I tell you, Jim, I've got a whole new
outlook on life since my boys won the

series last year.

Socks fan?

Cubs fan?

Yeah.

I'm keeping the beer.

Choke on it.

Hello. Hi.

I've been watching you. Uh -huh.

You seem a little lonely.

And a little cute, too.

Why don't you buy me a drink?

Oh, no thanks. I'm only interested in
guys tonight.

Hey, pal, could you change it to ESPN
classic?

Yeah, there's a chess match my buddy and
I want to see.

Chess?

That's it.

That's it.

You know what? All you guys think that
you're such good friends, huh?

Well, you're not good friends. Because
when the beer runs out and the game is

over, what do you got?

You got nothing.

You may work together. You may be
married to his sister.

But you know what?

You're all replaceable.

I'm sorry. Are you talking to us?

You know, that's a parent's job, Dana.

We're doing fractions.

Carry on.

Oh, Ruby, your friend Emily called. She
won't be able to skate with you

tomorrow. Oh, man.

She never goes skating with me anymore.

I bet she's playing with Gina.

I thought you and Emily were best
friends.

I thought so, too.

But now Emily and Gina are hanging out
all the time.

But when she plays with Gina, it really,
really hurts my feeling.

Terrible. What should I do?

Yeah, Dana, what should she do?

Should she punch stupid Emily in the
nose?

No. Should she break into her house at
night and shave off all her hair?

Jim!

They're ten.

Have you tried being friends with both
of them? That's never gonna work.

Yeah. Dina, come on. You should know
better than that.

All right, well, the other thing you
could do is be really, really nice to

You know, invite her over, have fun with
her.

Have so much fun with her that Emily
will get jealous and she'll want you

I don't know. It seems kind of childish.

Not if it works!

Man,

I forgot how much fun these are.

Yeah, this is fun.

I like having fun, don't you?

Yeah. I mean, fun is just fun.

Hey, you want some chips?

I don't know. Are they fun chips?

That's hysterical.

Hilarious. I'm going to get some.

Okay. Are you ready to call a lady?

Which one are we doing? Bad medical news
or fake radio contest?

I think you should call and tell them
mommy made some macaroons and there's

one left and you're going to eat it. It
should make them come running.

Which of these chips look like fun
chips?

as you can.

You can have some chips, can't you?

You know, any friend of Jim's is a big
of mine.

You're like, what, five beers ahead of
me?

I think so.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you like to wear some of my
sweatpants?

What the hell?

Who is it?

It's me. Why is the door locked?

Buddy. Partner of mine.

I know Cheryl baked macaroons, so either
let me in or slide them through the

mail slot. But hurry up. I've got to be
caller 10 if I'm going to win that side

of beef.

What's up, Andy?

Hey, Ryan.

What are you doing here?

I was just hanging out here, like he
always does, because we're totally into

each other.

Wait, wait. I thought we were playing
chess today.

No, Jim said you had to work, so he
invited me over for stock car racing and

talking chips.

You did talking chips with him? What the
hell?

We're just having a little fun.

Nay, a lot of fun.

Am I right, Rhino the Gyno?

Okay, that's the third time, and
hopefully the last.

See, Jim, you're creeping him out. Come
on, Ryan. Let's ditch this loser.

I'm not a loser. You're the loser
because you actually think this guy digs

He digs me a hell of a lot more than
you. Oh, yeah? Well, what's he doing in

house? He's leaving. That's what. No one
steals my new best friend. No, no, no.

He's my best friend. No, he's not. He's
not.

Guys, my arm. I just heard something
pop. Shut up.

Come on. Come on. Let go of him, Jim.
He's mine.

Let go of him. Ow. Let go of him. Let go
of my friend. All right. You want some

of that? Guys, come on. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow!

play chess and i'm gonna keep playing
chess except with my normal friends who

don't act like 10 year old girls oh and
for your information my best friend is

my wife

so gay.

So, there are no macaroons.

No macaroons.

Want to play select cars?

I want the chips to ask me.

If you need me to back off, just ask me.

And if you get jealous of me and Ryan
spending time together, just tell me.

Guys don't get jealous.

Besides, you're not my best friend.

I'm not? No.

My wife's my best friend.

Hey,

after the race, you want to go to the
bar and get a drink? Cool.

know what he just said.

Did you even hear what we said?