All language subtitles for According to Jim s05e20 The Thin Green Line

You know, every year I think these
leprechaun shoes aren't going to be

anymore, and every year I'm wrong.

You know the two of you look stupid,
right?

The two of us?

Or the three of us?

I'm invited?

Aye, sir!

Oh, man, tonight's going to totally
rock!

I love St. Patrick's Day. I mean, it is
the greatest holiday. I mean, it's a

religious holiday centered around bars.

What would Jesus think?

And you know what, Ryan? You're not just
getting hammered with a bunch of

idiots. You're getting hammered with the
Green Man.

The king of all St.

Patrick's Day revelry and hooligan
emeritus.

Well, I must admit, your renowned
shenanigans are one of the reasons I

Dana. Well, she wasn't pregnant, so we
were wondering why you married her.

Okay, okay, okay. So, what's the Green
Man got planned?

Plan, you say?

You don't make plans on St. Paddy's Day.

No, somewhere around midnight or after
the fifth pitcher of beer.

The green man infuses me and I go out
and I delight the people of Chicago.

Then I hide in the bushes till the cops
are gone and see if they go home.

Want some more tea, Reverend Shelton?
Oh, thank you, no, Gina.

So, Cheryl, with the Ruth Mitford's
passing, there's now an opening on our

church advisory committee.

Wow, isn't that exciting?

Except for the part about Ruth dying.
She was so sweet.

Yeah, she was sweet, all right. You
know, I once wore jeans to a youth

and she called me a slut.

Well, I won't ask you to speak at her
memorial.

You know, Reverend, I would love to be
considered for a spot on that committee.

I have such exciting ideas. You know, I
really, really care about this

community. Yeah, you ought to get a
reserved parking spot at the church.

I do.

Well, I did not know that.

Sure you did. You said you really wanted
me.

Carol, I've already placed your name
into nomination.

And frankly, barring any last -minute
controversy, I don't see any reason why

you shouldn't be approved.

Well, it's one good thing about being a
boring suburban housewife. I don't

really have to worry about controversy.

I asked her to go out back and through
the alley. Trust me.

Oh, baby.

All right, guys.

Look, we're going to be drinking for 12
hours straight.

So it's very important to line our
stomachs with bread.

It absorbs the alcohol, and God forbid,
if it comes up later on, it comes out

soft and easy to clean up.

I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St.
Patrick's Day this year with a quiet

dinner at home.

Yeah, the nursing home.

You know, Ryan, I don't know if I like
this whole idea of you getting really

drunk tonight.

Please.

I don't think I need your permission,
woman.

I do what I want.

Oh, God, please.

Jim, can I talk to you for a minute?

All right, all right, all right.

Ryan, start eating bread.

You watch him. Keep an eye on him. I
don't want any rookie mistakes.

You better watch it, kid, because I got
two weeks left till retirement.

What are you talking about?

Saw it in a movie. I always wanted to
say it.

I know what you mean.

Mine is...

Really hard to work into a conversation.

How about this, huh?

Wow!

Michael, flatly eat this!

Yeah, wow!

Very festive, wouldn't you say?

I know, I can see how excited you are
about St. Patrick's Day. I am so

I think that is just great.

Thank you. I was wondering if maybe it
wouldn't be a good idea to pull it back

little bit this year. Pull it back?

Are you kidding me?

Come on, this is my holiday.

The kids get Christmas. The gay guys get
Halloween. This one's mine, baby.

Okay, what do I get?

What do you... How about my husband
bought me a house day?

Oh, wait. I think that's more of a year
-round celebration, isn't it?

Hey, hey, honey.

You know what I just found out?

I found I'm up for a spot on the church
advisory committee.

Great! What's it pay?

Oh, that's good, too.

Yeah, yeah, it's great. And you know
what would really help me out?

If you and the green man could stay out
of trouble.

Define trouble.

Cheryl. Now, come on. You know I can't
embarrass you. Oh, I know. I know.

I know this speech.

You can't embarrass me. Only I can
embarrass me. I care way too much about

other people think. How dare I try to
stop you from being who you are? And

you know who I was when you married me.
I know. I was getting to that. I had to

stop to take a breath.

Look, honey.

I mean, can't the green man take one
year off?

Cheryl, I am the green man.

I am Chicago's delightful favorite
little mascot.

Robin Hood, instead of helping the poor,
I mow dirty words in high school

football fields.

You know, you're lucky you haven't been
arrested.

Lucky?

Or magical?

Wait a minute.

You're really serious about this, aren't
you?

Yes.

You really...

Don't want me to have fun on St.
Patrick's Day? Oh. The day that we

Patrick for whatever it is he did?

Jim, this committee is really important
to me. Honey, the green man is very

important to me. It's who I am. I know.

And who you are is a problem for the
people on the committee.

They don't give a hoity -toity what
those people on the committee think of

don't care.

Jim, I do.

you to do this.

No, absolutely not.

For me.

For you.

For you.

For you!

For you!

For you.

Oh, look, another diet soda for

Nancy O 'Funkill.

You may be boring, Jim, but at least
you're trim. Thanks.

Seriously, Jim, no green man? That's
like Halloween without gay guys. Come

don't like it any better than you do.
But I made a promise to Cheryl, and

once in a while I got to honor one just
to keep her guessing.

Yeah, Jim, this sock.

I mean, we look forward to every year.
Tony even sold his couch for bail money.

Not my couch.

A couch.

Come on, I don't have to have fun to
have a good time.

You guys can do whatever you want to do.

Woo!

Well, thank you. I don't mind if I do.

See that?

Ryan's having a great time.

Yeah, but he's a rookie. He's never
experienced the green man. And once

gone green, there's no in between.

Come on, Chairman.

Be the green man. No. Come on. For us.

For you.

For you?

For you.

For you.

I promised my wife and I wouldn't. Ooh,
making promises to the wife now, are

you? Well, she really wants to get on
this church committee. Really bad, you

know. Without sinners, there'd be no
saints.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Is St. Pat saying that?

Oh, it's on your button right there.

This is your church.

And those drunken idiots out there.

People who don't wear green.

Stupid holiday!

Get out!

So, you really trust Jim to stay out of
trouble tonight?

Oh, of course I do.

I told him how much this committee means
to me, and I asked him nicely.

I better call.

Border Patrol answer?

Yeah, the year the Green Man invaded
Canada.

They were so polite about it.

You know, I'm being silly.

I'm sure everything's fine. I mean,
Ryan's with him. Yeah, and he's very

responsible. His ears must have been
burning. That's Ryan.

on a cracker.

you've got tonight.

Come on, you little beavers!

Hi.

Hi. I just need to go and talk to my
husband for one second. I promise I'll

right out.

Sorry, lady. We're at capacity now.

Yell at him when he gets home.

Oh, okay.

Could I just run in and use the
bathroom? Because I've had, like, Eight

green tea, so I'm kind of a capacity,
too.

St. Paddy's. Go outside like the rest of
Chicago.

You know, I'm not really a pee -in -the
-alley kind of girl, so... I understand.

You want your privacy?

Right.

Well, don't worry. There's a dumpster.

Dumpster? I will have you know I'm a
mother of three.

Damn it.

Now you upset me and I peed a little.

Who's got a camera? I want a picture of
my ass right next to his face.

Thank God.

Hey, do you have a wet nap?

Yeah, about that.

Could you come out here with your hands
and your pants up?

Are you arresting me?

Yes, I am.

Then I'm finishing.

You know, can you cut me a break? I
mean, I'm a mother.

Five and seven. Aw. Yeah.

They pee inside.

You know what? There are two hot dog
stands in a zoo between us and the bank.

He'll never make it.

Oh, Cheryl, I can't wait to get to the
reserve parking spot. That truck across

the parking lot is hell.

Green Man topples statue of Frank Lloyd
Wright, declares city free.

a lot worse.

I mean, we're lucky we didn't find a
bank to rob.

We ended up eating hot dogs to a
giraffe.

He didn't like it at first, but he came
around.

Cheryl, come on.

Come on, I see you're upset, Cheryl.

Come on, Cheryl.

Can't you let this go?

For me.

For you. For me!

For you?

Oh, hey! For you! For you! For you!
Thank you for waiting. We're ready.

For you.

Good morning, Cheryl.

Jim. Good morning, Reverend.

I'm afraid it isn't Cheryl. Well, you
just said it was... I know what I said.

Shall I read back what you said from the
record?

No.

Word has gotten out about last night.
And for obvious reasons, we have to

your name from consideration.

Come on.

What the hell kind of church is this?

I mean, wait a minute. No, honey. I
mean, you're going to reject my lovely

because of something I did?

I mean, what if that happened to Abe
Lincoln?

I mean, his wife was nuts.

And you probably all remember that,
having voted for him.

You're out of order, sir. I'm out of
order?

No, you're out of order! This whole
courtroom is out of order!

Thanks, I always wanted to say that.

Jim, it isn't because of you that
Cheryl's off the committee.

We've received word that last night
Cheryl was arrested.

What? Yeah, um, ironic story.

Um, last night, I went out to try to
keep you from getting into trouble, and

I kind of got arrested for public
urination.

Way to go, baby!

The green man takes a bride!

Honey?

That is one of the hottest things I
think you've ever done.

Hot or not, this committee has no place
on it for a person who will do things of

that kind.

We have a standard of conduct that your
wife has not lived up to.

Wait a second. You're kidding me here,
right? I mean, she made one mistake.

You're going to reject the best woman in
the entire church for one mistake?

Yes, we are.

Wow.

That is cold, dude.

Right. I did make one mistake.

But that mistake wasn't squatting behind
that filthy dumpster.

It was putting a spot on some stupid
committee over my husband.

First a police record, now you're
sassing the Reverend?

We've got to stop at a motel on the way
home.

One sec. One sec. Hi.

Look, none of us are perfect people or
we wouldn't come to church. That's

Now you can either reject us...

I've been kicked out of a lot of things.

But never at church.

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry.

I should never have asked you to change
who you are. On St. Patrick's Day, you

are the green man.

Honey, don't beat yourself up over it.
Oh, well. No, really, I should have told

you to cram it when you asked me.