Original subtitles

You know, every year I think these leprechaun shoes aren't going to be

anymore, and every year I'm wrong.

You know the two of you look stupid, right?

The two of us?

Or the three of us?

I'm invited?

Aye, sir!

Oh, man, tonight's going to totally rock!

I love St. Patrick's Day. I mean, it is the greatest holiday. I mean, it's a

religious holiday centered around bars.

What would Jesus think?

And you know what, Ryan? You're not just getting hammered with a bunch of

idiots. You're getting hammered with the Green Man.

The king of all St.

Patrick's Day revelry and hooligan emeritus.

Well, I must admit, your renowned shenanigans are one of the reasons I

Dana. Well, she wasn't pregnant, so we were wondering why you married her.

Okay, okay, okay. So, what's the Green Man got planned?

Plan, you say?

You don't make plans on St. Paddy's Day.

No, somewhere around midnight or after the fifth pitcher of beer.

The green man infuses me and I go out and I delight the people of Chicago.

Then I hide in the bushes till the cops are gone and see if they go home.

Want some more tea, Reverend Shelton? Oh, thank you, no, Gina.

So, Cheryl, with the Ruth Mitford's passing, there's now an opening on our

church advisory committee.

Wow, isn't that exciting?

Except for the part about Ruth dying. She was so sweet.

Yeah, she was sweet, all right. You know, I once wore jeans to a youth

and she called me a slut.

Well, I won't ask you to speak at her memorial.

You know, Reverend, I would love to be considered for a spot on that committee.

I have such exciting ideas. You know, I really, really care about this

community. Yeah, you ought to get a reserved parking spot at the church.

I do.

Well, I did not know that.

Sure you did. You said you really wanted me.

Carol, I've already placed your name into nomination.

And frankly, barring any last -minute controversy, I don't see any reason why

you shouldn't be approved.

Well, it's one good thing about being a boring suburban housewife. I don't

really have to worry about controversy.

I asked her to go out back and through the alley. Trust me.

Oh, baby.

All right, guys.

Look, we're going to be drinking for 12 hours straight.

So it's very important to line our stomachs with bread.

It absorbs the alcohol, and God forbid, if it comes up later on, it comes out

soft and easy to clean up.

I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick's Day this year with a quiet

dinner at home.

Yeah, the nursing home.

You know, Ryan, I don't know if I like this whole idea of you getting really

drunk tonight.

Please.

I don't think I need your permission, woman.

I do what I want.

Oh, God, please.

Jim, can I talk to you for a minute?

All right, all right, all right.

Ryan, start eating bread.

You watch him. Keep an eye on him. I don't want any rookie mistakes.

You better watch it, kid, because I got two weeks left till retirement.

What are you talking about?

Saw it in a movie. I always wanted to say it.

I know what you mean.

Mine is...

Really hard to work into a conversation.

How about this, huh?

Wow!

Michael, flatly eat this!

Yeah, wow!

Very festive, wouldn't you say?

I know, I can see how excited you are about St. Patrick's Day. I am so

I think that is just great.

Thank you. I was wondering if maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to pull it back

little bit this year. Pull it back?

Are you kidding me?

Come on, this is my holiday.

The kids get Christmas. The gay guys get Halloween. This one's mine, baby.

Okay, what do I get?

What do you... How about my husband bought me a house day?

Oh, wait. I think that's more of a year -round celebration, isn't it?

Hey, hey, honey.

You know what I just found out?

I found I'm up for a spot on the church advisory committee.

Great! What's it pay?

Oh, that's good, too.

Yeah, yeah, it's great. And you know what would really help me out?

If you and the green man could stay out of trouble.

Define trouble.

Cheryl. Now, come on. You know I can't embarrass you. Oh, I know. I know.

I know this speech.

You can't embarrass me. Only I can embarrass me. I care way too much about

other people think. How dare I try to stop you from being who you are? And

you know who I was when you married me. I know. I was getting to that. I had to

stop to take a breath.

Look, honey.

I mean, can't the green man take one year off?

Cheryl, I am the green man.

I am Chicago's delightful favorite little mascot.

Robin Hood, instead of helping the poor, I mow dirty words in high school

football fields.

You know, you're lucky you haven't been arrested.

Lucky?

Or magical?

Wait a minute.

You're really serious about this, aren't you?

Yes.

You really...

Don't want me to have fun on St. Patrick's Day? Oh. The day that we

Patrick for whatever it is he did?

Jim, this committee is really important to me. Honey, the green man is very

important to me. It's who I am. I know.

And who you are is a problem for the people on the committee.

They don't give a hoity -toity what those people on the committee think of

don't care.

Jim, I do.

you to do this.

No, absolutely not.

For me.

For you.

For you.

For you!

For you!

For you.

Oh, look, another diet soda for

Nancy O 'Funkill.

You may be boring, Jim, but at least you're trim. Thanks.

Seriously, Jim, no green man? That's like Halloween without gay guys. Come

don't like it any better than you do. But I made a promise to Cheryl, and

once in a while I got to honor one just to keep her guessing.

Yeah, Jim, this sock.

I mean, we look forward to every year. Tony even sold his couch for bail money.

Not my couch.

A couch.

Come on, I don't have to have fun to have a good time.

You guys can do whatever you want to do.

Woo!

Well, thank you. I don't mind if I do.

See that?

Ryan's having a great time.

Yeah, but he's a rookie. He's never experienced the green man. And once

gone green, there's no in between.

Come on, Chairman.

Be the green man. No. Come on. For us.

For you.

For you?

For you.

For you.

I promised my wife and I wouldn't. Ooh, making promises to the wife now, are

you? Well, she really wants to get on this church committee. Really bad, you

know. Without sinners, there'd be no saints.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Is St. Pat saying that?

Oh, it's on your button right there.

This is your church.

And those drunken idiots out there.

People who don't wear green.

Stupid holiday!

Get out!

So, you really trust Jim to stay out of trouble tonight?

Oh, of course I do.

I told him how much this committee means to me, and I asked him nicely.

I better call.

Border Patrol answer?

Yeah, the year the Green Man invaded Canada.

They were so polite about it.

You know, I'm being silly.

I'm sure everything's fine. I mean, Ryan's with him. Yeah, and he's very

responsible. His ears must have been burning. That's Ryan.

on a cracker.

you've got tonight.

Come on, you little beavers!

Hi.

Hi. I just need to go and talk to my husband for one second. I promise I'll

right out.

Sorry, lady. We're at capacity now.

Yell at him when he gets home.

Oh, okay.

Could I just run in and use the bathroom? Because I've had, like, Eight

green tea, so I'm kind of a capacity, too.

St. Paddy's. Go outside like the rest of Chicago.

You know, I'm not really a pee -in -the -alley kind of girl, so... I understand.

You want your privacy?

Right.

Well, don't worry. There's a dumpster.

Dumpster? I will have you know I'm a mother of three.

Damn it.

Now you upset me and I peed a little.

Who's got a camera? I want a picture of my ass right next to his face.

Thank God.

Hey, do you have a wet nap?

Yeah, about that.

Could you come out here with your hands and your pants up?

Are you arresting me?

Yes, I am.

Then I'm finishing.

You know, can you cut me a break? I mean, I'm a mother.

Five and seven. Aw. Yeah.

They pee inside.

You know what? There are two hot dog stands in a zoo between us and the bank.

He'll never make it.

Oh, Cheryl, I can't wait to get to the reserve parking spot. That truck across

the parking lot is hell.

Green Man topples statue of Frank Lloyd Wright, declares city free.

a lot worse.

I mean, we're lucky we didn't find a bank to rob.

We ended up eating hot dogs to a giraffe.

He didn't like it at first, but he came around.

Cheryl, come on.

Come on, I see you're upset, Cheryl.

Come on, Cheryl.

Can't you let this go?

For me.

For you. For me!

For you?

Oh, hey! For you! For you! For you! Thank you for waiting. We're ready.

For you.

Good morning, Cheryl.

Jim. Good morning, Reverend.

I'm afraid it isn't Cheryl. Well, you just said it was... I know what I said.

Shall I read back what you said from the record?

No.

Word has gotten out about last night. And for obvious reasons, we have to

your name from consideration.

Come on.

What the hell kind of church is this?

I mean, wait a minute. No, honey. I mean, you're going to reject my lovely

because of something I did?

I mean, what if that happened to Abe Lincoln?

I mean, his wife was nuts.

And you probably all remember that, having voted for him.

You're out of order, sir. I'm out of order?

No, you're out of order! This whole courtroom is out of order!

Thanks, I always wanted to say that.

Jim, it isn't because of you that Cheryl's off the committee.

We've received word that last night Cheryl was arrested.

What? Yeah, um, ironic story.

Um, last night, I went out to try to keep you from getting into trouble, and

I kind of got arrested for public urination.

Way to go, baby!

The green man takes a bride!

Honey?

That is one of the hottest things I think you've ever done.

Hot or not, this committee has no place on it for a person who will do things of

that kind.

We have a standard of conduct that your wife has not lived up to.

Wait a second. You're kidding me here, right? I mean, she made one mistake.

You're going to reject the best woman in the entire church for one mistake?

Yes, we are.

Wow.

That is cold, dude.

Right. I did make one mistake.

But that mistake wasn't squatting behind that filthy dumpster.

It was putting a spot on some stupid committee over my husband.

First a police record, now you're sassing the Reverend?

We've got to stop at a motel on the way home.

One sec. One sec. Hi.

Look, none of us are perfect people or we wouldn't come to church. That's

Now you can either reject us...

I've been kicked out of a lot of things.

But never at church.

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry.

I should never have asked you to change who you are. On St. Patrick's Day, you

are the green man.

Honey, don't beat yourself up over it. Oh, well. No, really, I should have told

you to cram it when you asked me.