All language subtitles for According to Jim s05e19 Daddy Dearest

So, how was karate class?

Did you break any boards?

No, we traded stickers.

Then we talked about boys and had
lemonade.

Wait a second, wait a second. You're
telling me karate class is like school,

I'm paying 60 bucks an hour for it?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Jim, Jim, I've got to lock up and
teach a class downtown. Could you do me

favor and watch Justin? His dad will be
here any minute.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

Fevers aren't really my thing.

I'll give your kids two free classes.

Okay. Hi,

Justin.

Easy.

All right. Why don't we give your dad a
call right now?

What's his number?

Speed dial two.

Oh, I don't think so.

Speed dial two is pizza.

You know what? We can call him. See if
he'll pick you up.

What time is it now?

Ah, don't worry, buddy.

Your dad's just an hour late.

Just an hour.

A whole hour.

He's not coming.

Hey, don't think like that. You forgot
me.

Don't think like that. Think positive.

Maybe you got in an accident.

Daddy!

Look,

one time my dad was three hours late.

And everything turned out fine.

But your dad left and never came back.

Never?

Well, no.

No, no, he didn't.

But you know what? That was a different
time.

Ditching your kid was fashionable back
then, not like now.

You said you ruined your family forever.

Aren't we attentive little listeners?

Look, my dad was a piece of crap and he
ran off on me. Your dad is just late.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

I'll tell you what. You don't worry
about a thing, all right? I'm going to

down all my information.

I'm going to leave it on the door here
for your dad.

And then all of us are going to go home,
get some ice cream and some cookies,

and we've got a big, soft uncle we can
practice karate kicks on.

the kids that they could hit Andy?

Yeah.

You want me to tell them to stop?

No.

Yeah, real cool three -on -one. I could
take any of you alone.

Did you tell them they could hit me?

Hey, I'm paying for karate class. They
better hit somebody.

Hi, we're Justin's parents. I am so
sorry we're late. Oh, I know, no

Come in, come in.

There's a big action on the Eisenhower.

We're just happy you're okay.

Justin's fine. He's in the kitchen
playing with our kids. My name's

this is Bill. Oh, I'm Cheryl.

It's great to meet you both.

Nice meeting you. And now that the
introductions are out of the way, mind

use the can?

Bill. What?

I've been stuck in the car for two
hours. I've got to take a leak.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Right back down that hall, and it's on
your right. See? No big deal.

Come on in. Heather, this is my husband,
Jim, my brother, Andy.

Hidey -ho.

I am so embarrassed.

First for two hours late, and then Bill
asked to use the can.

Please. Jim would have just peed in the
bushes.

I can't believe it.

What? She's right. You would have peed
in the bushes.

No.

That guy, Bill?

Yeah.

That's my father.

Wait.

Justin's father is your father?

Yeah.

Are you sure? It's been 35 years. With
him.

Of course it's him.

He's got the same face, the same voice.
He's probably even wearing the same

shirt.

Him. Wow.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I guess the same thing I do with every
guest that comes here.

I'll watch TV until they get the hint
and leave.

Jim, no, wait.

This is your chance, man.

Fate has brought him to your bathroom
and pulled down his pants.

Okay, I know a swirly can't make up for
35 years of neglect, but it's one hell

of a stunt.

And he didn't even recognize me.

And I want to keep it that way. No, no,
no, please keep your mouth shut, okay? I

don't want to talk about it.

Just be cool.

Until they split.

God, I'm torn.

Yeah, on the one hand, I want to protect
my best bud, but on the other hand, I

really want to put it to your stepmom.

Keep your mouth shut.

Wow. You came this close to peeing in
the bushes.

Looking for your petunias, the wife's
stopping.

Sir, you are in a Christian home. Your
bathroom humor is not welcome here.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I guess the big book of bathroom humor
next to the crapper threw me off.

Anyway, thanks for taking care of the
boy for me. Hey, I've never done

like that before in my life.

Right.

Of course you haven't, Bill.

You don't mind if I call you Bill, do
you, Billy?

Do we have a problem here?

Maybe we do.

Why? Be good, say.

Left my son for a couple of hours.

Try 35 years, Billy, Billy, Bo, Billy.

35 years.

Oh, my God.

Jim?

Good Lord, no.

Jimmy.

You're grown.

Yeah.

So, um... How are you?

Good, good. How are you doing? I'm doing
fine. Good, good. That's good to hear.

We've got to do this again sometime.
Sure, sure, sure.

Booyah!

Heather, Justin, we're leaving.

Daddy!

That is just amazing.

Jim, Heather and I have so much income.

Yeah, we're both Aries. We're both
Russell Crowe fans.

And what else?

That's about it.

We'll see you Friday night. Great.

Friday? What? Yeah, yeah. I invited him
to our school carnival. Won't that be

fun?

Fine. Oh, it would be so great to meet
you. I know. So we'll talk beforehand,

and then we'll go Friday. That sounds
great. Okay, great. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Isn't that going to be a little awkward?

You know, since...

He's your dad?

What

are you

smiling about?

You kidding? I'm in my wheelhouse. I've
always had great luck with carny chicks.

I thought one of them stole your flat
screen TV.

My fault. Yeah, I brought her home.

She said the parking lot's fine, but
sadly, Mother raised me to be a

all her teeth.

In the carny world, that's called
kissing pretty.

Jim!

Jim!

I won this over at the ring course.

I think Justin will go for it, so, um...
Oh,

thanks, but I don't think a gay bunny is
gonna...

Thinks you ditched me when I was ten.
Oh, no, no, no. I was thinking maybe you

could give it to Ruby or Gracie.

That's a very sweet thought, Bill.

Here you go.

Will you please stop busting my chops?

I just wanted to do something nice to my
granddaughters. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bill.

You can't call them your granddaughters.
You're not their grandfather.

You're just a father with a boy who my
girls happen to have a crush on.

Which, by the way, we've got to put a
stop to them.

Dad,

we've got these cool giant sumo suits.

Can you and me wrestle?

Sure.

Anything for my son.

Hey, Jim.

Jim, they've got these cool giant sumo
suits. Can you and me wrestle?

What happened to the carnage? Oh, that's
locked and loaded.

I gave her keys to my house. We're going
to meet up there later.

Maybe she's going to rip you off. No,
no, no, no, not this one. She's

Her friend the psychic said I have
nothing to worry about.

Come on, come on. Can we go wrestle?

No, no, no.

Bill's going to be over there. I don't
want to get near the guy.

Look at me. Oh, God, I'm sorry.

It's all right. Here you are hurting,
and I'm chasing caramel apples and carny

tail.

Come here, you.

Huh? Come on.

Give me some broke back mouth. Come on,
come on, come on, come on, come on. I'm

going to... I'm going to wrestle you.
Come on, let's go. I'm going to take you

down right now.

I can't help thinking about the poor
people who have to clean these suits

tonight.

So when is McGlandy going to put his
suit on?

Get it?

You guys get it?

What the hell does that mean?

A pleasant good morning.

I know that and how to ask for the
special massage.

I feel like we saw this show at
SeaWorld.

Yeah, and once again, we're in the
splash zone. Let's go.

Little one, we meet again.

You want a piece of me?

Okay,

Jimmy, take your pick.

We could talk or we could wrestle.

Jimmy, I didn't literally mean wrestle.

I mean...

Just help me up and I'll leave you
alone. Oh, get up yourself. Come on,

give me a hand.

What the hell do you want with me? Five
seconds.

Just stop hating me for five seconds.
No!

Yes! Look, your dad was a bad guy. He
was young and he was stupid and he was

selfish. But Justin's dad is different.

Here.

Justin's dad, well, good for Justin.

It's going to be great for him. You know
why? Because he's going to have a dad

in his Little League games, in his
football games, his high school

when I had an empty seat.

I was at your high school graduation.

You were?

Yeah.

Couldn't tell your mother I was there.
But I was there. It was underneath the

grandstand, the other end of the
football field.

Nothing and nobody was going to keep me
from seeing my son graduate high school.

Nothing.

Was it day or night? Day. Night. Damn!

You haven't changed one bit! I have,
really.

When I met Heather and we got married
and then we had Justin, I started to

it together.

Well, if you pulled it together, if
that's true, why didn't you give me a

Why didn't you try to find me? Why
didn't you try to see if I was okay? If

wasn't there or alive? Why didn't you
look for me? What was I going to do? I'm

going to pick up the phone and say, I'm
sorry, son.

I ran out on you and I left you flat.

I thought it would be better for you
this way.

Oh, thanks, Dad. Thanks for making that
decision for me.

All is forgiven now, all right?

Here, why don't you give me a hug?

Come on, give your son Jimmy a big hug,
Dad!

Come on!

Justin.

Hey.

Okay, Cheryl, that was my dad.

So, we're here now.

Get your emotional crowbar out and fry
over my gut, and let's see how Jim's

feeling.

I thought you meant like a cup of
coffee.

Last time I saw him, I was 10.

It was a Saturday morning.

And I was on the porch bouncing my Super
Bowl. You remember those?

And I heard my dad's Maroon El Camino.
This is a fire right up there.

Anyway, he backed out of the driveway,
pulled in the street, and he stopped.

I turned and I waved to him.

He waved back.

And smiled.

He smiled.

And then he was gone.

Why did he smile?

I mean, he knew he was never coming
back.

What was you smiling about Cheryl?

I don't know.

Look at you now.

You are nothing like him.

Maybe because he left, you learned to
take care of yourself and your

mom and your sister.

Hey, Cheryl.

You know what?

The next time my father abandons me and
shows up 35 years later,

two sugars.

Where are the kids?

I'm beat.

Dan took them to get hot dogs and then
to the bouncy house.

Sit right at home in her car.

Justin, you're my best buddy.

I love you too much to even ever think
about leaving.

Hey, who would I watch the Sox games
with, huh?

Here.

Go ahead without me.

Hey, Justin.

Want some cotton candy?

You know, I bought it for Andy. He'll
get really mad if I give it to you. So

here.

I'm a little too upset for cotton candy.

Maybe it's just me.

Why don't you give me a shot?

Rough day, huh, kid?

A long time ago, your dad did something
really, really stupid.

People change.

And he loves you.

Cut him a break.

Hey.

He's not going anywhere.

Let me dust.

You got an older brother that's going to
kick his ass.

Hey, Dad.

Can we go on the side?

You're trying to stop me.

I'll go get in line.

Thanks.

Yeah, well, I didn't do it for you. I
did it for my little brother.

I guess that's all I'm going to get from
you. That's what you get.

I'll take it.

And I meant what I said.

What is that?

You make me a liar in front of that boy,
and I'll come and kick your ass.

You know where to find me.

So if I give you my ATM card, you'll
pick up some beer and have dinner

Daddy,

do we have to leave?

Mommy said we want to leave because
we're tired.

I want to play some more.

Well, where did Mommy get that idea?

I want to stay and play all night.

Let's go on a swing ride.

You know, one time on a swing ride.

I threw up in a perfect circle.