Original subtitles

All right, I got some lemonade here for you. Now remember, there's company here,

so no peeing in the bushes.

Oh, man, I thought this was a party.

Oh, baby.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

I tell you, man, this party's driving me crazy.

Oh, look at Willie over there eating bean dip like it's his job.

Okay, take it easy. Breathe in the meat smoke. It always calms you.

Hey, Jim, we are out of bean dip.

Oh, God, I can't stand these parties. You know what?

Every year she has this barbecue, and every year I forget how much I hate them

until I'm here doing this damn thing.

I mean, I can't stand people, and she knows that. She knows it. I mean, I like

the idea of people, but I just don't like people.

Why can't you just have this barbecue and not invite me?

It's what everyone else does.

I sit here all afternoon and have these polite, phony conversations.

Come on, they're not that bad. Come on, they're horrible.

What about Mike Chase? Mike Chase is going to come over and tell me a funny

story about investment banking.

I like Faye Morgan. Faye Morgan? She invites us to dinner every year, every

year, and never follows through with it. Forget it. Phony people. And Joni Chan,

how about her?

Ooh, my children are the smartest children ever. I can't stand this.

Well, it's not like she can brag about how cute they are. Well, God went a

little heavy with the ugly shaker.

Needs more mayonnaise.

Okay.

Oh, Cheryl, you just put dish soap in the potato salad.

I'm sorry.

I'm so worried that Jim's going to offend somebody. I can't focus on

else. Okay, here's a thought. Have a neighborhood barbecue and don't invite

Jim has no natural politeness filter.

So I always have to pull people out of conversations with him before he upsets

them. How do you do that?

Today, I have a plan. I'm going to run in and say, I heard a funny story.

But you don't know any funny stories.

I didn't say it was a good plan.

Hello, Jim.

Oh, hello, Faye.

Social event of the season is... As usual.

Bob was so sorry he couldn't be here. Yeah, that's too bad.

Bob's your husband, right?

Here's your hot dog, and off you go.

You know, Bob and I are so fond of you and Cheryl. The four of us have just got

to get together for dinner.

Look, Dave, I've got to tell you something.

Every year at the barbecue, you ask us to dinner. And every year, you never

follow through with it. We don't have to have dinner together. Really, it's

okay. I like the relationship the way it is. We see each other once a year here

at the barbecue.

Because really, I don't want to see you eat. You don't want to see me. I don't

want to see anybody. I don't like eating with anybody. Cheryl, Jim is talking to

Faye Morgan.

that upset.

Really?

Okay, okay.

Okay, she's upset. Shut the door. Please shut the door.

What did you say to her?

Nothing. I just told her the truth.

The truth? Yes. Jim, it's a barbecue.

It's hot dog, potato salad, and polite lies.

Cheryl, you know I'm all about the truth. What?

me twice a day. I'm in double digits.

Come on, you know Faye.

She's always inviting us out to dinner. Every year she invites us to dinner and

she doesn't mean it. I just called her on it, that's all.

So they invited us out to dinner. You nod, smile, and move on. No, Cheryl,

being disrespectful. I don't see why I have to be a big phony about it. You

don't have to be phony. Just don't be mean.

I wasn't mean.

I was just being honest.

Jim? You can be honest and kind at the same time. I don't think so, Cheryl.

No, I don't think so. Sometimes you have to be brutally honest with people.

That's the only way they get it.

Sometimes you've got to suck it up and be polite for 20 minutes. It's called

taking the high road.

I hate the high road. I love that low road. It's noisy down there. It's

People are beeping horns, cussing at each other.

I love it down there. It smells of cussing. confrontation and arguing.

I can smell it right now.

The traffic has stopped and people are screaming. I see red lights, bright

lights. People just giving each other the finger.

It's beautiful down there, baby.

And you know what?

It's only one way there. My way.

That's great.

That's great, honey. Hey, let's check the traffic on the low road.

Right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Shut the door. I get it, I

get it. Don't do that.

I get it, Cheryl. I get it.

Seriously, I do. I feel bad. I don't want to hurt the girl. Okay, honey, I

believe you. Now fix it.

Fix it?

Yes.

How? How, honey?

Just show some compassion.

Compassion? Yes, compassion.

You know, on the low road, they give tickets out for compassion.

Hey, listen.

You know, all I was trying to say was that, you know, every year you come to

barbecue, you invite us to dinner, and you never follow through with it.

It's okay that you don't follow through with it, because, you know what?

Our relationship, the way it is, is fine. We don't need to be friends.

Jim, Jim, Jim.

Okay,

honey, you're saying the same thing that made her cry.

You're just saying it in a softer voice.

I'm being compassionate. I'm being kind. No, no. You're being quiet.

What are you doing?

Charm her.

Charm her? Yes.

I'm going to need a beer for that.

Come on, Faye.

Come on. Don't be mad at me, Faye.

You know, Cheryl and I really, you know, we want to have dinner with you and

Bob. Yes, now, off you go.

How's this Saturday?

This Saturday, what?

The four of us, dinner.

This Saturday?

Fia, that's a little soon, don't you think? I mean, do we have to put a date

it, really?

You don't want to have dinner?

Yeah. That's why we'll have dinner here.

What? Yes, Saturday night, the four of us.

Bob will be thrilled.

Can I have that beer now?

Now Faye and Bob are going to come over to dinner, and I know I'm going to make

Faye cry. I just know it.

I don't know. What am I going to do? I'm the beacon of truth in a world full of

lies.

It's just who you are, Jim. You don't do small talk.

You're a truth cop.

You know what? I don't know how to do small talk.

Hey, are you losing weight?

Oh, a few parts.

Bingo. That, my friend, is small talk.

That was totally insincere. Oh, yeah. You look like crap.

Can you teach me some of those little hooks, those little braces? Sure, sure.

You just need a few of them to steer clear of any problem areas. Well, give

another. First, first, what do you normally say when you interact with

Um, nothing.

I kind of wait until they're done talking so I can tell them what idiots

are.

You're a funny guy, Jim.

Well, I like to think so. Bingo. Got you again.

You're good.

You're good. You know what? I'm going to write some of these down.

You think I can be ready for the party? Oh, sure.

Smart, good -looking guy like you can do anything that puts his mind to it.

Well, thank you, Andy.

Bingo.

This is gold.

You know, Andy, I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, thank you. Bingo.

Jim how to be polite.

You're kidding. Is it working?

Yes. Look.

This is a delightful party.

Let's do it again.

Perhaps at my house.

Seriously, how is Andy doing that?

Does he have a car battery hooked up to Jim's nad?

What we train for. What are you going to do? Throw those 45 minutes away?

Bob, I think you know my brother, Andy. Ah, yes. I met Faye at the barbecue. We

fought over the last piece of cake.

It was delicious, by the way.

Well,

dinner's going to be ready very soon, but we have about a half an hour to sit

and chat, so please sit down and make yourselves comfortable.

lose some weight?

Actually, yeah.

I was in the hospital with a bad case of colitis.

Wow. Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. You look great.

Bingo? Keep swinging. You'll hit one.

Well, I am just so glad we're finally doing this. We are glad, too. We just

you guys.

Oh, we love you, too.

Right, Jim?

I love you, Bob.

In fact, Faye and I were just saying how much we'd like to have you both up to

our lake house for a weekend.

Your lake house?

Wow.

Did you hear that? Jim, Faye, and Bob would like to have us to their lake

What a wonderful, delightful invitation.

We would love to join you.

Yes!

Well, I'm going to go check on dinner, and I just know when I come back, we'll

still be invited to that lake house, won't we, honey?

You're so funny, Cheryl.

You know I'm not joking.

You're a contractor, aren't you, Jim? Yes, Bob, I am a contractor.

Do you like contractor jokes?

You mean the kind that paints guys like me in a horrible light?

Love them!

And God says, I'd like to help you out, but we don't have any contractors up

here.

Get it?

They're unscrupulous, and therefore, they're all in hell.

Bob's a funny guy, and you love him, don't you?

I love you, Bob.

I love you, Faye.

Jim, Jim, I just, I have to tell you how sorry I am for crying the other day.

What? You feel bad? Why would you feel bad about crying?

Well, lately, every little thing makes me cry.

Her cat passed away, and it's really hit her hard.

I mean, it wasn't my fault that you were crying?

You were crying because your cat died?

Well, yeah.

That's great!

I mean, you know, not about your cat.

That's a tragedy.

Poor thing.

Cut down in her prime by some reckless driver.

We never said she was hit by a car.

Oh.

Then I don't know anything about it.

And off I go.

Didn't Cheryl tell you I came over the other day to apologize?

You did?

Yeah. I brought a pie.

There was pie involved?

Cheryl!

Cheryl.

Cheryl knew it wasn't my fault.

And she kept it for me along with the pie.

What kind of pie was it?

Apple.

your invitation.

No, no, no. Hey, we both do.

You're the only one who's cared enough to call us on it. You're like, you're

like a beacon of truth.

So I was right from the beginning.

From the beginning, I was right.

Well,

my dear friends.

How would you like to go for a ride on the low road?

Oh, this is just marvelous, Cheryl.

So tell us about that lake house. Oh, it's just beautiful and so romantic.

Do you two like hot tubbing?

Well... Do we?

Well, we have one that's big enough for... four.

Barely. We'll be dancing cheek to cheek.

What else is there to do up there? Is there hiking?

There's a lovely hike up to the liquor store. We load up on wine and back to

hot tub.

But bathing suits are optional.

They're not optional. They're forbidden.

No bathing suits?

That saves time in packing.

What a great idea.

And when we have tubby time?

I call the seat next to you.

Bob, you're a funny guy.

And that's not even his best feature.

You'll see.

Uh, Jim, honey, I could really use your help with the dessert.

Oh, all right, all right. All right, we'll be right back. I hope you like

pudding.

I really like this Bob and Faye.

Jim, this lighthouse thing is freaking me out. I am not walking nude through

woods to the liquor store.

Well, why don't you just stay in the hot tub with Bob and I'll do the beer run

with Faye.

Okay, you watch enough cable TV to know that these people are swingers.

You know what?

I think you're right.

So what are you going to do?

Serve them dessert, I guess.

What?

Well, it would be rude not to at this point.

I want you to throw them out.

What? Throw them out? Cheryl, come on. That's not kind.

I said you need to be kind. You said you got to be kind. You told me that I

should be able to suck it up for 20 minutes and be polite at any party.

this is a party, and I'm being polite.

That's right. You're right. I did say that.

I guess I forgot to mention that it doesn't count if they're trying to get

our pants.

Cheryl, I am not going to make Faye cry again.

Oh, honey, yeah. Make... make they cry.

No, Cheryl.

Don't make they cry. Cheryl. Don't make they cry. Cheryl.

Take the high road, damn it.

So,

Have you two lost weight?

since her cat died.

Her cat died a week ago.

I know, but I didn't know that yet because you didn't tell me.

Those dishes are not going to wash themselves.

A few push -ups wouldn't kill me.

Hey, Bob, can you hold on a second? Because my wife here is trying to

me why she lied to me.

Because I wanted polite Jim.

I love polite Jim. I can take polite Jim to parties.

Cheryl, but you wanted honest Jim to throw these people out of our house

tonight. Well, I don't see why I don't get to pick which Jim I want.

Pick which Jim you want? Honey, I'm not a sweater.

Cheryl, you just have to accept the fact...

that I'm an honest guy and I may rub people the wrong way once in a while.

And for the record, you know what? Bob and Faye were actually, they were happy

that I was truthful with them. Right, Bob Faye?

Yes. He said exactly what I needed to hear.

He changed our lives.

I changed their lives.

All right. I surrender.

I surrender. You can choose our friends from now on.

this, Cheryl. We're not swingers. But we are nudists. Man, off you go.