All language subtitles for According to Jim s05e18 Polite Jim

All right, I got some lemonade here for
you. Now remember, there's company here,

so no peeing in the bushes.

Oh, man, I thought this was a party.

Oh, baby.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

I tell you, man, this party's driving me
crazy.

Oh, look at Willie over there eating
bean dip like it's his job.

Okay, take it easy. Breathe in the meat
smoke. It always calms you.

Hey, Jim, we are out of bean dip.

Oh, God, I can't stand these parties.
You know what?

Every year she has this barbecue, and
every year I forget how much I hate them

until I'm here doing this damn thing.

I mean, I can't stand people, and she
knows that. She knows it. I mean, I like

the idea of people, but I just don't
like people.

Why can't you just have this barbecue
and not invite me?

It's what everyone else does.

I sit here all afternoon and have these
polite, phony conversations.

Come on, they're not that bad. Come on,
they're horrible.

What about Mike Chase? Mike Chase is
going to come over and tell me a funny

story about investment banking.

I like Faye Morgan. Faye Morgan? She
invites us to dinner every year, every

year, and never follows through with it.
Forget it. Phony people. And Joni Chan,

how about her?

Ooh, my children are the smartest
children ever. I can't stand this.

Well, it's not like she can brag about
how cute they are. Well, God went a

little heavy with the ugly shaker.

Needs more mayonnaise.

Okay.

Oh, Cheryl, you just put dish soap in
the potato salad.

I'm sorry.

I'm so worried that Jim's going to
offend somebody. I can't focus on

else. Okay, here's a thought. Have a
neighborhood barbecue and don't invite

Jim has no natural politeness filter.

So I always have to pull people out of
conversations with him before he upsets

them. How do you do that?

Today, I have a plan. I'm going to run
in and say, I heard a funny story.

But you don't know any funny stories.

I didn't say it was a good plan.

Hello, Jim.

Oh, hello, Faye.

Social event of the season is... As
usual.

Bob was so sorry he couldn't be here.
Yeah, that's too bad.

Bob's your husband, right?

Here's your hot dog, and off you go.

You know, Bob and I are so fond of you
and Cheryl. The four of us have just got

to get together for dinner.

Look, Dave, I've got to tell you
something.

Every year at the barbecue, you ask us
to dinner. And every year, you never

follow through with it. We don't have to
have dinner together. Really, it's

okay. I like the relationship the way it
is. We see each other once a year here

at the barbecue.

Because really, I don't want to see you
eat. You don't want to see me. I don't

want to see anybody. I don't like eating
with anybody. Cheryl, Jim is talking to

Faye Morgan.

that upset.

Really?

Okay, okay.

Okay, she's upset. Shut the door. Please
shut the door.

What did you say to her?

Nothing. I just told her the truth.

The truth? Yes. Jim, it's a barbecue.

It's hot dog, potato salad, and polite
lies.

Cheryl, you know I'm all about the
truth. What?

me twice a day. I'm in double digits.

Come on, you know Faye.

She's always inviting us out to dinner.
Every year she invites us to dinner and

she doesn't mean it. I just called her
on it, that's all.

So they invited us out to dinner. You
nod, smile, and move on. No, Cheryl,

being disrespectful. I don't see why I
have to be a big phony about it. You

don't have to be phony. Just don't be
mean.

I wasn't mean.

I was just being honest.

Jim? You can be honest and kind at the
same time. I don't think so, Cheryl.

No, I don't think so. Sometimes you have
to be brutally honest with people.

That's the only way they get it.

Sometimes you've got to suck it up and
be polite for 20 minutes. It's called

taking the high road.

I hate the high road. I love that low
road. It's noisy down there. It's

People are beeping horns, cussing at
each other.

I love it down there. It smells of
cussing. confrontation and arguing.

I can smell it right now.

The traffic has stopped and people are
screaming. I see red lights, bright

lights. People just giving each other
the finger.

It's beautiful down there, baby.

And you know what?

It's only one way there. My way.

That's great.

That's great, honey. Hey, let's check
the traffic on the low road.

Right, all right, all right, all right,
all right. Shut the door. I get it, I

get it. Don't do that.

I get it, Cheryl. I get it.

Seriously, I do. I feel bad. I don't
want to hurt the girl. Okay, honey, I

believe you. Now fix it.

Fix it?

Yes.

How? How, honey?

Just show some compassion.

Compassion? Yes, compassion.

You know, on the low road, they give
tickets out for compassion.

Hey, listen.

You know, all I was trying to say was
that, you know, every year you come to

barbecue, you invite us to dinner, and
you never follow through with it.

It's okay that you don't follow through
with it, because, you know what?

Our relationship, the way it is, is
fine. We don't need to be friends.

Jim, Jim, Jim.

Okay,

honey, you're saying the same thing that
made her cry.

You're just saying it in a softer voice.

I'm being compassionate. I'm being kind.
No, no. You're being quiet.

What are you doing?

Charm her.

Charm her? Yes.

I'm going to need a beer for that.

Come on, Faye.

Come on. Don't be mad at me, Faye.

You know, Cheryl and I really, you know,
we want to have dinner with you and

Bob. Yes, now, off you go.

How's this Saturday?

This Saturday, what?

The four of us, dinner.

This Saturday?

Fia, that's a little soon, don't you
think? I mean, do we have to put a date

it, really?

You don't want to have dinner?

Yeah. That's why we'll have dinner here.

What? Yes, Saturday night, the four of
us.

Bob will be thrilled.

Can I have that beer now?

Now Faye and Bob are going to come over
to dinner, and I know I'm going to make

Faye cry. I just know it.

I don't know. What am I going to do? I'm
the beacon of truth in a world full of

lies.

It's just who you are, Jim. You don't do
small talk.

You're a truth cop.

You know what? I don't know how to do
small talk.

Hey, are you losing weight?

Oh, a few parts.

Bingo. That, my friend, is small talk.

That was totally insincere. Oh, yeah.
You look like crap.

Can you teach me some of those little
hooks, those little braces? Sure, sure.

You just need a few of them to steer
clear of any problem areas. Well, give

another. First, first, what do you
normally say when you interact with

Um, nothing.

I kind of wait until they're done
talking so I can tell them what idiots

are.

You're a funny guy, Jim.

Well, I like to think so. Bingo. Got you
again.

You're good.

You're good. You know what? I'm going to
write some of these down.

You think I can be ready for the party?
Oh, sure.

Smart, good -looking guy like you can do
anything that puts his mind to it.

Well, thank you, Andy.

Bingo.

This is gold.

You know, Andy, I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, thank you. Bingo.

Jim how to be polite.

You're kidding. Is it working?

Yes. Look.

This is a delightful party.

Let's do it again.

Perhaps at my house.

Seriously, how is Andy doing that?

Does he have a car battery hooked up to
Jim's nad?

What we train for. What are you going to
do? Throw those 45 minutes away?

Bob, I think you know my brother, Andy.
Ah, yes. I met Faye at the barbecue. We

fought over the last piece of cake.

It was delicious, by the way.

Well,

dinner's going to be ready very soon,
but we have about a half an hour to sit

and chat, so please sit down and make
yourselves comfortable.

lose some weight?

Actually, yeah.

I was in the hospital with a bad case of
colitis.

Wow. Well, whatever you're doing, keep
it up. You look great.

Bingo? Keep swinging. You'll hit one.

Well, I am just so glad we're finally
doing this. We are glad, too. We just

you guys.

Oh, we love you, too.

Right, Jim?

I love you, Bob.

In fact, Faye and I were just saying how
much we'd like to have you both up to

our lake house for a weekend.

Your lake house?

Wow.

Did you hear that? Jim, Faye, and Bob
would like to have us to their lake

What a wonderful, delightful invitation.

We would love to join you.

Yes!

Well, I'm going to go check on dinner,
and I just know when I come back, we'll

still be invited to that lake house,
won't we, honey?

You're so funny, Cheryl.

You know I'm not joking.

You're a contractor, aren't you, Jim?
Yes, Bob, I am a contractor.

Do you like contractor jokes?

You mean the kind that paints guys like
me in a horrible light?

Love them!

And God says, I'd like to help you out,
but we don't have any contractors up

here.

Get it?

They're unscrupulous, and therefore,
they're all in hell.

Bob's a funny guy, and you love him,
don't you?

I love you, Bob.

I love you, Faye.

Jim, Jim, I just, I have to tell you how
sorry I am for crying the other day.

What? You feel bad? Why would you feel
bad about crying?

Well, lately, every little thing makes
me cry.

Her cat passed away, and it's really hit
her hard.

I mean, it wasn't my fault that you were
crying?

You were crying because your cat died?

Well, yeah.

That's great!

I mean, you know, not about your cat.

That's a tragedy.

Poor thing.

Cut down in her prime by some reckless
driver.

We never said she was hit by a car.

Oh.

Then I don't know anything about it.

And off I go.

Didn't Cheryl tell you I came over the
other day to apologize?

You did?

Yeah. I brought a pie.

There was pie involved?

Cheryl!

Cheryl.

Cheryl knew it wasn't my fault.

And she kept it for me along with the
pie.

What kind of pie was it?

Apple.

your invitation.

No, no, no. Hey, we both do.

You're the only one who's cared enough
to call us on it. You're like, you're

like a beacon of truth.

So I was right from the beginning.

From the beginning, I was right.

Well,

my dear friends.

How would you like to go for a ride on
the low road?

Oh, this is just marvelous, Cheryl.

So tell us about that lake house. Oh,
it's just beautiful and so romantic.

Do you two like hot tubbing?

Well... Do we?

Well, we have one that's big enough
for... four.

Barely. We'll be dancing cheek to cheek.

What else is there to do up there? Is
there hiking?

There's a lovely hike up to the liquor
store. We load up on wine and back to

hot tub.

But bathing suits are optional.

They're not optional. They're forbidden.

No bathing suits?

That saves time in packing.

What a great idea.

And when we have tubby time?

I call the seat next to you.

Bob, you're a funny guy.

And that's not even his best feature.

You'll see.

Uh, Jim, honey, I could really use your
help with the dessert.

Oh, all right, all right. All right,
we'll be right back. I hope you like

pudding.

I really like this Bob and Faye.

Jim, this lighthouse thing is freaking
me out. I am not walking nude through

woods to the liquor store.

Well, why don't you just stay in the hot
tub with Bob and I'll do the beer run

with Faye.

Okay, you watch enough cable TV to know
that these people are swingers.

You know what?

I think you're right.

So what are you going to do?

Serve them dessert, I guess.

What?

Well, it would be rude not to at this
point.

I want you to throw them out.

What? Throw them out? Cheryl, come on.
That's not kind.

I said you need to be kind. You said you
got to be kind. You told me that I

should be able to suck it up for 20
minutes and be polite at any party.

this is a party, and I'm being polite.

That's right. You're right. I did say
that.

I guess I forgot to mention that it
doesn't count if they're trying to get

our pants.

Cheryl, I am not going to make Faye cry
again.

Oh, honey, yeah. Make... make they cry.

No, Cheryl.

Don't make they cry. Cheryl. Don't make
they cry. Cheryl.

Take the high road, damn it.

So,

Have you two lost weight?

since her cat died.

Her cat died a week ago.

I know, but I didn't know that yet
because you didn't tell me.

Those dishes are not going to wash
themselves.

A few push -ups wouldn't kill me.

Hey, Bob, can you hold on a second?
Because my wife here is trying to

me why she lied to me.

Because I wanted polite Jim.

I love polite Jim. I can take polite Jim
to parties.

Cheryl, but you wanted honest Jim to
throw these people out of our house

tonight. Well, I don't see why I don't
get to pick which Jim I want.

Pick which Jim you want? Honey, I'm not
a sweater.

Cheryl, you just have to accept the
fact...

that I'm an honest guy and I may rub
people the wrong way once in a while.

And for the record, you know what? Bob
and Faye were actually, they were happy

that I was truthful with them. Right,
Bob Faye?

Yes. He said exactly what I needed to
hear.

He changed our lives.

I changed their lives.

All right. I surrender.

I surrender. You can choose our friends
from now on.

this, Cheryl. We're not swingers. But we
are nudists. Man, off you go.