Original subtitles

All right, kids, come on.

It's going to be late.

Thank you, sweetie. Here's yours.

I'm too sick to go to school.

Really?

Oh, if you're that sick, maybe you should stay home. Hold it right there.

on. Over here. Let's go.

Buying that. Come on.

What's your symptoms?

My stomach hurts.

Oh, your stomach hurts.

Come on, now.

Listen, I didn't buy you as that mushroom in that school play.

And I'm not buying that you're sick right now.

But I am. I really am.

Ooh, if you would have put a little cough at the end of that, you might have

me.

Come on.

Let's go. To school.

Now.

Cheryl,

she's really selling it.

You know, Cheryl, I fought it tooth and nail, but this dinner party turned out

to be not too sucky.

I know.

Your pants are on. None of our guests are in tears.

You know, it is my best party ever.

Look, I didn't even hate Dana that much. Aw.

Jim, that's sweet. You know, I didn't hate you that much either, but I didn't

want to say anything.

And how about Andy's new girlfriend here?

I mean, the reason I bring it up is because Andy, has dated some real

Oh, come on. Remember that crazy chick from the DMV?

Woof, woof.

I am that crazy chick from the DMV.

I know.

I'm just saying I remember you.

It's okay, Jim. Bernice looks different. She, um, bought a new purse.

Plus, she's getting a nightly dose of vitamin Andy.

Why to me?

I'm over here minding my own business, thinking about dessert.

Now I'm seeing your sex face.

Okay, who wants dessert?

Oh, I do. You know what? Let us help.

Come on, let us help you.

Did you show?

Did you really?

So, Bernice, are you and Andy getting serious?

We've been going out a month. Right. We really don't go out. We mostly stay in.

You got it?

Oh, I got it. Now, where do I return it?

I'm having a girls' night on Thursday. Want to come?

Could get crazy.

Gals from the DMV, Cosmos, cheese.

Wow, booze, cheese, and no one calling me mommy?

I'm there.

So, Andy, how did you and Bernice get back together?

Well, it was a normal Saturday night. I was driving by old girlfriend's houses.

Saw Bernice through her window crying and eating pie.

Were you eating pie and crying, too?

I said it was a Saturday night.

Guys, it is fantastic. I mean, usually I start out being friends and build the

sex, but with Bernice, it's just sex.

With any luck, we'll never be friends.

Oh, there she is. How's my angel?

Honey, Bernice invited us over for girls' night on Thursday.

Oh, what a great idea. You know what? Maybe I'll have a boys' night Thursday.

You know, we'll have some poker, beer, some light nudity, cheese.

What about the kids?

Well, I thought you'd take them with you on Girl's Day.

Did you, Jim?

Did you really?

This is a really fun party, Bernice.

Yes, it is.

I'm blowing the roof off this sucker.

Homemade cheese.

Oh, homemade.

That explains it.

All right, now the real fun begins.

Who's ready to shop?

Oh. Oh, great.

Actually, I could use a new pair of slippers.

Yeah.

Dana?

Yeah?

Is your catalog all sex stuff?

I don't think so. This thing looks like a lemon zester.

Yeah, no, it's all sex stuff.

As my regulars know, I make a little extra money selling exotic adult

The DMV doesn't pay very well, but the mailing list I got from their computers

helped move some merch.

Would you look at all this sex stuff?

Yeah. It's amazing those girls from the DMV aren't in better moods.

Everything's on display in my bedroom, so go in and get wild.

There's also an irregular table if anyone's looking for a discount.

And a big and tall table.

This is ridiculous.

I don't need any of this stuff. You know, Jim and I actually have a

sex life. Just last night we were... Well, hello.

I don't know. I think Brian and I could use something to spice things up. Things

have gotten a little monotonous since we started trying to have a baby. Check

out page 12.

I'm going in.

Well, why don't you chop up some cucumbers?

There's no chance I'm going to want those.

Knives are in the drawer.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, ladies. A pair of fives? Seriously?

How can you play those cards? What can I say? My mind's on other things. Hey,

Doc, I'm laying more pipe than standard oil.

Again, why to me?

I'm telling you, there's enough pipe there to go to Saudi Arabia. All right,

right, all right. If you're going with any luck, we'll never have to tap into

Alaska. Come on.

Come on, I liked it better when you were paying for it.

You enjoy the sex while it lasts, Andy, because it won't. Oh, he's right, he's

right. Yeah, with my ex, the sex went out the window somewhere between I and

Yeah, no, it's true. I mean, you know what? Dana and I used to be wild, but

we're trying to have a baby.

when it becomes a job.

Yeah. And then afterwards, she has her legs up and lies motionless for 20

minutes.

I'd kill for my wife to lie motionless.

You know what, Andy? Don't listen to these guys.

Cheryl and I have been together for 15 years. Our sex is as hot now as it was

the first time we did it. And I'm telling you, we did it. Every which way

loose. You know what I'm talking about, Doc?

Do I have... have tell me about your sex life written on my forehead jim i don't

buy it i don't buy it what do you mean no no no my passion doesn't last that

long you know what in our relationship not only does it last it gets better

really well we know all the moves you know lights on lights off in the bed on

this poker table she knows what i like I know what she

likes, and there's always a sandwich afterwards.

Oh, a sandwich.

Nah,

guys, I got it made. Honest to God. I mean, no complaints, no surprises.

Woo!

Mama's going shopping!

That's the nookie look.

Yeah, you guys got some last night, didn't you?

What happened to your arm?

Oh, well, me lady got some new equipment from Thailand.

Kind of exceeded the weight limit, but the pain was worth the magic.

So, Jim, Jim, Jim.

What, what, what?

What happened last night after Cheryl got home?

Nothing. I was asleep.

She didn't bring anything home from the sex toy party?

Sex toy party?

These girl night parties? It's just an excuse for Bernice to sell sex stuff.

I didn't know it before because we don't talk.

And you guys got some treats?

You know what?

Maybe she bought something but decided not to wake me up.

You know what? I shouldn't have had that eighth beer. It always knocks me down.

You know what, Jim? I bet she's going to surprise you tonight.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's it, of course.

She's going to surprise me tonight. You know what? I better prepare for that.

I better take a nap or something. Maybe two naps.

Trust me, you're going to need it.

Hell yeah.

I think I broke a rib and punctured a lung, and I'm loving it!

See ya.

I wonder what kind of toy she's going to whip out tonight for me.

Word of warning.

If she pulls out like this little thing that looks like a friendly little bunny,

it's not.

Hey,

honey, I'm home.

is around here. Get him off.

And if I don't?

Then I reckon I'm gonna have to dance for you.

Me and Scout here need a place to bunk for the night.

Got any money, stranger?

No, ma 'am, but I can work.

Fix whatever's broke around here.

Break whatever's fixed.

I don't exactly follow you, stranger.

Maybe I should follow you.

I'm not going anywhere.

Maybe I should just dance for you.

Something intriguing in that drawer?

Ragweed season.

Oh,

honey, would

you mind grabbing me some socks out of that drawer? My feet are cold.

sign this red woolly is a dryer sheet

hurry my toes are freezing yeah

all right let's knock this out

sex. Yes, that purchase would have been made on Thursday night.

Garden of Eden Enterprises, $119 .95.

Yeah, what did she buy?

Look, I don't know how you guys handle it in Pakistan, alright?

But here in America, a husband has a right to know what their wives buy.

Oh, right, yeah, you're in Delaware. Sure.

Okay, I got the catalog.

Give me that.

Bernice wouldn't tell me what Cheryl bought.

She's got some stupid rule about privacy.

Privacy?

She has sex with you in the park.

Yeah, about that. The hearing's next week. I might miss work.

Why didn't you just ask Cheryl what she bought last night?

I don't know. I thought she was going to surprise me. By the time I realized she

wasn't, General Sherman had already burned through the South.

Hello.

What's the big deal?

I thought your sex life was great. I thought so, too.

But Cheryl's buying these toys and not sharing them with me.

It's not a good example for the kids.

Oh, boy. You know what, Jim? I blame myself for this. I really do. I mean,

Bernice showed Cheryl what complete sexual satisfaction is all about, well,

how do you go back to hamburger once you've heard about steak?

And why is Cheryl spending $119 .95 on side dishes?

Dentist. Okay.

Spit.

Okay.

This is fun.

Well, you know, I have this cavity.

Wait a minute. I'm the dentist, so you'd have the cavity. You know what? Let me

start over. Let me come back down.

going on?

I'll tell you what's going on. I know you went to that sex toy party and you

bought something.

Oh. Yeah, sure. I mean, you know, I'm your husband. I have a right to know.

is not Pakistan.

What? Well, did you need that? I mean, do you need something?

I mean, am I not enough?

Oh, honey, no, no.

I didn't buy it for me. I bought it for us.

and the kids are at karate class. I'm sure Annie left.

Let's break this bad boy out.

Oh, honey, are you sure? It's kind of... What?

Scary.

Scary? Yeah, it's scary. Come on, you got a big, strong man right here.

It's not shaped like a spider, is it?

No. Okay.

Let's break it out.

Under the bed. Of course.

Very clever.

You're not a sniper, are you?

I thought it was like a rabbit or a... Funny, it's a... What

the hell is that?

I don't know.

The instructions are in German. I don't even know what it does.

Well, if it's in German, it probably drinks beer and wants to conquer Europe.

What do you think? Should we try to turn it on?

I'm pretty sure I've seen that other end there on a shoe bumper.

Okay, honey, turn it off.

No, you turn it off.

Are you scared?

Of that?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Why turn it off?

Watch your fingers!

Carol!

We don't need that.

Oh, no, not unless you need to rip up a stump in the backyard.

What would possess you to buy something like this?

Well, I thought it might be fun.

Did you, Cheryl?

Did you really?

Yeah, I mean, it was a party, and all the girls were so excited, and they were

buying all these toys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much did you have to drink?

Not much. No.

Cheryl.

You know, I kind of felt that way when Andy and Ryan were going on.

Really? Yeah, but I thought about it.

Yeah, we're not missing out on anything.

We're steak, baby.

Is steak a good thing? Come on, what is steak a bad thing?

I mean, if you have high cholesterol and your doctor says you can't eat red

meat. Okay, okay, okay, Cheryl, come on.

Look, who cares what kind of sex other people in the world are having?

Our sex life is great, isn't it?

Yeah. It is, right?

It is.

Yeah, I mean, it's not a competition.

No. And if it was a competition, we'd win.

You would kick their ass.

Oh, man!

I mean, we've got to get rid of that thing. I don't think I can return it.

Why don't we just donate it to some charity? I mean, uh...

An open -minded charity.