Original subtitles

Honey, are you sure you're okay playing a board game instead of watching sports?

Honey, they have playoffs every year!

Besides, you girls do plenty for us, am I right? That's so true.

Aww. But play!

Come on! I get this one, right? You got it. Alright, I'm ready. Okay, you are on

a plane.

An attractive passenger of the opposite sex offers you a no -strength -attached

intimate encounter.

There is no way anyone will ever find out.

Do you accept?

Absolutely!

What? Absolutely!

If the ref don't see it, it didn't happen.

Amen to that.

You too?

Come on.

It's sex on a plane.

That's my thing.

Yeah!

I can't even be here for a day. I'm not playing this stupid game anymore.

What? Come on!

I got that one right. We're winning. I got four points.

Okay, back to the real game.

Like we showed you. Why?

It's your stupid ballet recital. But our teacher said the best way to learn is

to teach somebody else.

Then teach Kyle.

Boys don't dance.

Fine.

Lucky for you, I just came from my hip -hop class.

It was a Chinese laundry, then it was a coffee shop.

Yeah, Jim, it was a Mexican restaurant. We had a fight there because you kept

saying Feliz Navidad was the Mexican national anthem.

Oh, girl.

What are you guys doing home so early?

Why are you dressed like that?

Because my milkshake brings all the girls to the yard?

We're home early because we missed the movie because this one insisted on...

the coffee shop on Roosevelt to ask if it used to be a Chinese laundry.

It was. It was not. It was a Mexican restaurant. Chinese laundry.

Oh, God.

It's the Erika Strata story all over again. Andrew.

We do not say that name in this house.

What's the Erika Strata story?

I'm glad you asked, Ryan.

I'm going to need booze for this.

It was a beautiful spring evening.

and my love and I were walking hand -in -hand down the street.

Suddenly, a car pulled up. The window rolled down, and a famous face appeared.

Jim, if you're going for suspense here, you shouldn't call it the Eric Estrada

story.

It was just some guy with nice hair and a big smile.

Not famous, not Eric Estrada.

Don't you think I would know if it was Eric Estrada?

I watched every single one of those Chips episodes.

For directions to the old Orchard Mall? By God, I'm going to know them!

Oh.

Jim, Ponch was a highway patrol officer.

If he needed directions to the mall, all he had to do was call in to dispatch.

You know? Hey, it's Ponch. Where's the mall? I've got to find the mall. Where

are the malls?

Jim, why would Eric Estrada want to go to the old Orchard Mall? Hmm.

Let me think.

To buy something? Oh.

They do have that store Just Placemats that sells just placemats.

I see. So Eric Estrada is going to the mall to buy placemats.

Well, I mean, maybe he was researching a role.

Yeah, yeah.

About a guy who needs placemats. Oh.

No, they custom make them. You just give them a photo. But not any photo. They

have rules.

Anyway, so Eric says to me, right? Eric.

Some guy.

Welcome to the last ten years of my life.

Ten years?

Come on, you guys need to let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go, you say, young Ryan.

No!

I'm not going to let this one go. You know why? Because I can win this one.

It's a true or false.

If it was an essay question, I'd let it go.

Because when men and women debate over emotions or opinions,

That's an essay question, and guys always lose.

Why do we lose, you say?

Because women try to confuse you with their feelings and their tricky double

words.

We learn them at camp in between pillow fights and kissing practice.

But when it comes down to facts, or right or wrong, man must stand by the

Galileo did it. Isaac Newton did it.

Jim's gonna do it.

Eric Estrada directions to the Old Orchard Mall, and he gave me

Guess what I learned on the internet last night? Oh, Andy, those are sugar

pills. It's not going to get any bigger.

Talk to me in three weeks.

That's not what I mean. I went on to an official Eric Estrada fan fight.

Oh, oh, did it say he was at the old Orchard Mall?

No, it didn't list all the malls he's been to.

But it did say that he's in town right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's doing like a charity poker tournament on a riverboat

in Joliet.

Oh, that's going on right now.

Today. We got to get down there. I'm going to prove that Cheryl wants them

all. She's wrong.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the girls' ballet recital?

Ballet recital? They had one a month ago.

That was a year ago.

And it's tonight. You think we'll make it back in time? Listen, I got to take

that chance.

And through the magic of videotape, Mr. Henry Enrique Estrada is going to tell

Cheryl that she is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh, hey.

And I'll get him to record a new outgoing cell phone message.

What's the matter? Your Snoop Dogg's not working no more?

Leave a mizzle at the tizzle.

Come on, let's go.

There he is.

shoes for one day. Yeah.

The stories, the delights, oh, the women, Jim. Oh, God, the women.

Settle down, Andy. We don't need another Neil Diamond incident here.

Well, I wanted to see if his shirt was made of silk.

So you ask him, you don't hug him.

Come on.

Hi,

players. Hi. Are you registered for the tournament?

Are we registered for the... tournament.

Come on.

We registered early.

We're probably the first two names on the list.

So you're Suniti Punuru and Evelyn Chen.

Yeah.

I'm probably the first one.

Look, I just need to talk to Mr. Estrada for two minutes. And by the way, you

look very fetching in that vest and straw booter.

I'm sorry.

If you haven't already registered, the only way to play with Mr. Estrada is to

win the satellite tournament.

What's the buy -in?

300 bucks.

Sign me up.

Are you sure about that, Suniti?

That's a lot of rupees.

I may brew two pots of coffee with the same grounds.

I may buy my snow tires at the junkyard. I may even build my own toothbrushes.

But to prove sheer wrong, $300 I could spend in a heartbeat.

Even $350.

So Evelyn Chen, move to the side because I feel lucky

today.

I'm out $900 under two different names.

I still didn't get to talk to Estrada.

Did you see that man's hair, Jim?

Picture me with Estrada's hair.

No.

Think of the women I could pull with that raven mane.

If I had his hair and your calves, then they'd see. They'd all see.

Hey, buddy.

Can you get someone to bring this boat over to the dock there? I gotta get to

daughter's recital. It's really important. I'm gonna be late.

Look, girl.

I'm sorry, sir. State law only allows gambling when we're cruising.

We only dock at the top of every hour and let people on and off.

Ian.

Can you grease him?

You want me to kill him?

Bribe him!

Sorry, I spent 129 bucks on this boat.

Broke and late.

You know what?

That's about 10 feet.

I think we can make it.

Jim, Jim, I don't know.

Gravity is not my friend.

Well,

my mighty calves are strong enough.

For the both of us.

One, two, three.

What the

hell

are Jim and Andy?

Who knows? They probably found an old refrigerator box and decided to play

Man, if they're playing Fort and I'm stuck at this recital.

Joe.

Joe.

Joe.

Sorry we're late.

It's not every day you save a drowning baby.

Oh, look.

She looks so cute.

What was the baby doing in the frozen pond?

That's a question for the parents.

And where were the parents?

I don't know.

Probably at the bottom.

In the car.

Jim, this is the worst lie you've ever told me.

Well, Pirates on Lake Michigan was much worse.

What's really going on?

All right. Eric Estrada was playing poker on a riverboat. I lost 900 bucks.

ended up in the river.

You connect the dots.

Will I be hearing from the police tonight?

Eh, sometimes they check fake names, sometimes they don't.

Tim, all this just to meet Eric Estrada?

Again, Cheryl.

Meet him again!

Would you just admit it? You're addicted to being right. No, you're just

jealous, Cheryl. Of what?

Of me being right more than you.

Oh. Yeah, come on.

Is that so?

Yes, that's so -so. That's very interesting.

Then why do I have a book filled with detailed descriptions, including photos,

receipts, and signed affidavits of every time you have ever been wrong?

What? Oh, yeah, Jim. Oh, yeah.

I write it all down because I knew this day was coming.

How far does this go back?

All the way, baby!

Our first date?

Yes, Jim.

Pauly Shore is not a beach in New Jersey.

The third date, Jim insists that Joan of Arc was married to Noah.

She what?

Oh, oh, the giant book of Jim's wrongs proves that you're not crazy?

Yeah, it does. It does, Jim. You know why? You know why? Because when you're

wrong, it means I'm right. And it's tasty, Jim. It's real tasty.

Okay, well, I see where maybe we both may have a little problem.

You're right. We both have to be right. We can't ever let anything go.

You know what's sad about it?

I don't even really like being right anymore.

It's more like a habit.

I don't know.

I still like it.

We have to change, Jim.

We have to.

No, you're right. We should change.

And what?

We can help each other.

Let's help each other to learn to let go.

All right.

All right. You know what? The Eric Estrada story is over.

Oh, okay.

Unless... you want to go down to his hotel and find out for sure.

It's a great idea.

You know what? We'll take Elm Street because Maine is full of construction.

no, no. Maine is clear. It's Pine that's got the construction.

I'm bringing the book.

Are you sure this is Eric Estrada's car?

Yeah. I greased the parking attendant.

You killed him?

I paid him off.

Look, look.

It's a pine air freshener.

No, no, that's jasmine.

But that's pine.

It's jasmine. I can smell it from here.

Oh, you can't smell jasmine. It smells like the Chinese laundry that's our

coffee shop.

That is ridiculous. Anything that smells like a pine surest. Look, look, look.

We have a question for you.

Look, I don't have any change.

No, no, no, not that.

Were you ever at the Old Orchard Mall?

Philly, I gotta run. Take care.

No, it was like ten years ago.

Ten years ago. Remember me? Ten years ago.

Remember me? I asked you.

I gave you directions.

hear me he is deaf in one ear good go on the internet check it out yourself he

heard you he just didn't say yes which means i am right it doesn't mean you're

right cheryl oh yeah then why am i dancing jim why am i dancing

Did you hear that?

You're going to the hospital, but I'm going to ride in the ambulance with you.

Cheryl, come closer.

This parking lot is $10 an hour.

Take the car.

And when you get to the hospital, park on the street.

He's back.

Here's the meter. You got coins? Yes, honey, I got coins.

Is he going to be okay?

Hi.

Is he going to be okay?

Your husband?

Oh, oh, him.

Oh, yes, he's going to be okay.

Oh, that's great.

Listen, I'm sorry about all this.

Do I know you?

Uh, no, no, I don't think so.

No? Wait a minute. I know.

You gave me directions once.

No, no, I just moved to this country. I just learned English. I mean, the

English.

You were with some guy.

He gave me directions to Old Orchard Mall.

Okay, okay.

What is a star like you doing going to the mall?

It was my nephew's graduation.

I bought him some placements.

Of course you did.

Yeah, they were pretty funny.

Usually they don't let you do pictures of your butt.

But I'm Eric Estrada.

You got to speak to Eric Estrada?

Yeah. Did he say anything about the old Orchard Mall?

Never been there.

I must be wrong.

Now we can really let it go.

So, I'll just write it down in the book. We can get on with our lives.

Eric!

Hey, buddy.

I just brought you these flowers to say that I'm sorry.

And that you shouldn't try to sue me because my lawyers are better than

I'm not going to sue anybody.

Look, you jump on a moving car, you take your chances.

by, but Jim really needs his rest, so if you want to just go, go, go.

Hey, congrats on marrying up.

When we first met, I didn't think you had a shot.

I'll be seeing you.

Punch freeze!

What did you mean by when we first met?

Ten years ago. You gave me directions to Old Orchard Mall.

Thanks, by the way. Those directions were perfect.

You, Mr. Estrada.

Thank you very, very much.

It's so tasty.

Hey, hey, hey, one more question.

You know that coffee shop that's down in Roosevelt?

Oh, yeah, the one that used to be the Chinese Laundry.