All language subtitles for According to Jim s05e15 Mr. Right

Honey, are you sure you're okay playing
a board game instead of watching sports?

Honey, they have playoffs every year!

Besides, you girls do plenty for us, am
I right? That's so true.

Aww. But play!

Come on! I get this one, right? You got
it. Alright, I'm ready. Okay, you are on

a plane.

An attractive passenger of the opposite
sex offers you a no -strength -attached

intimate encounter.

There is no way anyone will ever find
out.

Do you accept?

Absolutely!

What? Absolutely!

If the ref don't see it, it didn't
happen.

Amen to that.

You too?

Come on.

It's sex on a plane.

That's my thing.

Yeah!

I can't even be here for a day. I'm not
playing this stupid game anymore.

What? Come on!

I got that one right. We're winning. I
got four points.

Okay, back to the real game.

Like we showed you. Why?

It's your stupid ballet recital. But our
teacher said the best way to learn is

to teach somebody else.

Then teach Kyle.

Boys don't dance.

Fine.

Lucky for you, I just came from my hip
-hop class.

It was a Chinese laundry, then it was a
coffee shop.

Yeah, Jim, it was a Mexican restaurant.
We had a fight there because you kept

saying Feliz Navidad was the Mexican
national anthem.

Oh, girl.

What are you guys doing home so early?

Why are you dressed like that?

Because my milkshake brings all the
girls to the yard?

We're home early because we missed the
movie because this one insisted on...

the coffee shop on Roosevelt to ask if
it used to be a Chinese laundry.

It was. It was not. It was a Mexican
restaurant. Chinese laundry.

Oh, God.

It's the Erika Strata story all over
again. Andrew.

We do not say that name in this house.

What's the Erika Strata story?

I'm glad you asked, Ryan.

I'm going to need booze for this.

It was a beautiful spring evening.

and my love and I were walking hand -in
-hand down the street.

Suddenly, a car pulled up. The window
rolled down, and a famous face appeared.

Jim, if you're going for suspense here,
you shouldn't call it the Eric Estrada

story.

It was just some guy with nice hair and
a big smile.

Not famous, not Eric Estrada.

Don't you think I would know if it was
Eric Estrada?

I watched every single one of those
Chips episodes.

For directions to the old Orchard Mall?
By God, I'm going to know them!

Oh.

Jim, Ponch was a highway patrol officer.

If he needed directions to the mall, all
he had to do was call in to dispatch.

You know? Hey, it's Ponch. Where's the
mall? I've got to find the mall. Where

are the malls?

Jim, why would Eric Estrada want to go
to the old Orchard Mall? Hmm.

Let me think.

To buy something? Oh.

They do have that store Just Placemats
that sells just placemats.

I see. So Eric Estrada is going to the
mall to buy placemats.

Well, I mean, maybe he was researching a
role.

Yeah, yeah.

About a guy who needs placemats. Oh.

No, they custom make them. You just give
them a photo. But not any photo. They

have rules.

Anyway, so Eric says to me, right? Eric.

Some guy.

Welcome to the last ten years of my
life.

Ten years?

Come on, you guys need to let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go, you say, young Ryan.

No!

I'm not going to let this one go. You
know why? Because I can win this one.

It's a true or false.

If it was an essay question, I'd let it
go.

Because when men and women debate over
emotions or opinions,

That's an essay question, and guys
always lose.

Why do we lose, you say?

Because women try to confuse you with
their feelings and their tricky double

words.

We learn them at camp in between pillow
fights and kissing practice.

But when it comes down to facts, or
right or wrong, man must stand by the

Galileo did it. Isaac Newton did it.

Jim's gonna do it.

Eric Estrada directions to the Old
Orchard Mall, and he gave me

Guess what I learned on the internet
last night? Oh, Andy, those are sugar

pills. It's not going to get any bigger.

Talk to me in three weeks.

That's not what I mean. I went on to an
official Eric Estrada fan fight.

Oh, oh, did it say he was at the old
Orchard Mall?

No, it didn't list all the malls he's
been to.

But it did say that he's in town right
now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's doing like a
charity poker tournament on a riverboat

in Joliet.

Oh, that's going on right now.

Today. We got to get down there. I'm
going to prove that Cheryl wants them

all. She's wrong.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the
girls' ballet recital?

Ballet recital? They had one a month
ago.

That was a year ago.

And it's tonight. You think we'll make
it back in time? Listen, I got to take

that chance.

And through the magic of videotape, Mr.
Henry Enrique Estrada is going to tell

Cheryl that she is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh, hey.

And I'll get him to record a new
outgoing cell phone message.

What's the matter? Your Snoop Dogg's not
working no more?

Leave a mizzle at the tizzle.

Come on, let's go.

There he is.

shoes for one day. Yeah.

The stories, the delights, oh, the
women, Jim. Oh, God, the women.

Settle down, Andy. We don't need another
Neil Diamond incident here.

Well, I wanted to see if his shirt was
made of silk.

So you ask him, you don't hug him.

Come on.

Hi,

players. Hi. Are you registered for the
tournament?

Are we registered for the... tournament.

Come on.

We registered early.

We're probably the first two names on
the list.

So you're Suniti Punuru and Evelyn Chen.

Yeah.

I'm probably the first one.

Look, I just need to talk to Mr. Estrada
for two minutes. And by the way, you

look very fetching in that vest and
straw booter.

I'm sorry.

If you haven't already registered, the
only way to play with Mr. Estrada is to

win the satellite tournament.

What's the buy -in?

300 bucks.

Sign me up.

Are you sure about that, Suniti?

That's a lot of rupees.

I may brew two pots of coffee with the
same grounds.

I may buy my snow tires at the junkyard.
I may even build my own toothbrushes.

But to prove sheer wrong, $300 I could
spend in a heartbeat.

Even $350.

So Evelyn Chen, move to the side because
I feel lucky

today.

I'm out $900 under two different names.

I still didn't get to talk to Estrada.

Did you see that man's hair, Jim?

Picture me with Estrada's hair.

No.

Think of the women I could pull with
that raven mane.

If I had his hair and your calves, then
they'd see. They'd all see.

Hey, buddy.

Can you get someone to bring this boat
over to the dock there? I gotta get to

daughter's recital. It's really
important. I'm gonna be late.

Look, girl.

I'm sorry, sir. State law only allows
gambling when we're cruising.

We only dock at the top of every hour
and let people on and off.

Ian.

Can you grease him?

You want me to kill him?

Bribe him!

Sorry, I spent 129 bucks on this boat.

Broke and late.

You know what?

That's about 10 feet.

I think we can make it.

Jim, Jim, I don't know.

Gravity is not my friend.

Well,

my mighty calves are strong enough.

For the both of us.

One, two, three.

What the

hell

are Jim and Andy?

Who knows? They probably found an old
refrigerator box and decided to play

Man, if they're playing Fort and I'm
stuck at this recital.

Joe.

Joe.

Joe.

Sorry we're late.

It's not every day you save a drowning
baby.

Oh, look.

She looks so cute.

What was the baby doing in the frozen
pond?

That's a question for the parents.

And where were the parents?

I don't know.

Probably at the bottom.

In the car.

Jim, this is the worst lie you've ever
told me.

Well, Pirates on Lake Michigan was much
worse.

What's really going on?

All right. Eric Estrada was playing
poker on a riverboat. I lost 900 bucks.

ended up in the river.

You connect the dots.

Will I be hearing from the police
tonight?

Eh, sometimes they check fake names,
sometimes they don't.

Tim, all this just to meet Eric Estrada?

Again, Cheryl.

Meet him again!

Would you just admit it? You're addicted
to being right. No, you're just

jealous, Cheryl. Of what?

Of me being right more than you.

Oh. Yeah, come on.

Is that so?

Yes, that's so -so. That's very
interesting.

Then why do I have a book filled with
detailed descriptions, including photos,

receipts, and signed affidavits of every
time you have ever been wrong?

What? Oh, yeah, Jim. Oh, yeah.

I write it all down because I knew this
day was coming.

How far does this go back?

All the way, baby!

Our first date?

Yes, Jim.

Pauly Shore is not a beach in New
Jersey.

The third date, Jim insists that Joan of
Arc was married to Noah.

She what?

Oh, oh, the giant book of Jim's wrongs
proves that you're not crazy?

Yeah, it does. It does, Jim. You know
why? You know why? Because when you're

wrong, it means I'm right. And it's
tasty, Jim. It's real tasty.

Okay, well, I see where maybe we both
may have a little problem.

You're right. We both have to be right.
We can't ever let anything go.

You know what's sad about it?

I don't even really like being right
anymore.

It's more like a habit.

I don't know.

I still like it.

We have to change, Jim.

We have to.

No, you're right. We should change.

And what?

We can help each other.

Let's help each other to learn to let
go.

All right.

All right. You know what? The Eric
Estrada story is over.

Oh, okay.

Unless... you want to go down to his
hotel and find out for sure.

It's a great idea.

You know what? We'll take Elm Street
because Maine is full of construction.

no, no. Maine is clear. It's Pine that's
got the construction.

I'm bringing the book.

Are you sure this is Eric Estrada's car?

Yeah. I greased the parking attendant.

You killed him?

I paid him off.

Look, look.

It's a pine air freshener.

No, no, that's jasmine.

But that's pine.

It's jasmine. I can smell it from here.

Oh, you can't smell jasmine. It smells
like the Chinese laundry that's our

coffee shop.

That is ridiculous. Anything that smells
like a pine surest. Look, look, look.

We have a question for you.

Look, I don't have any change.

No, no, no, not that.

Were you ever at the Old Orchard Mall?

Philly, I gotta run. Take care.

No, it was like ten years ago.

Ten years ago. Remember me? Ten years
ago.

Remember me? I asked you.

I gave you directions.

hear me he is deaf in one ear good go on
the internet check it out yourself he

heard you he just didn't say yes which
means i am right it doesn't mean you're

right cheryl oh yeah then why am i
dancing jim why am i dancing

Did you hear that?

You're going to the hospital, but I'm
going to ride in the ambulance with you.

Cheryl, come closer.

This parking lot is $10 an hour.

Take the car.

And when you get to the hospital, park
on the street.

He's back.

Here's the meter. You got coins? Yes,
honey, I got coins.

Is he going to be okay?

Hi.

Is he going to be okay?

Your husband?

Oh, oh, him.

Oh, yes, he's going to be okay.

Oh, that's great.

Listen, I'm sorry about all this.

Do I know you?

Uh, no, no, I don't think so.

No? Wait a minute. I know.

You gave me directions once.

No, no, I just moved to this country. I
just learned English. I mean, the

English.

You were with some guy.

He gave me directions to Old Orchard
Mall.

Okay, okay.

What is a star like you doing going to
the mall?

It was my nephew's graduation.

I bought him some placements.

Of course you did.

Yeah, they were pretty funny.

Usually they don't let you do pictures
of your butt.

But I'm Eric Estrada.

You got to speak to Eric Estrada?

Yeah. Did he say anything about the old
Orchard Mall?

Never been there.

I must be wrong.

Now we can really let it go.

So, I'll just write it down in the book.
We can get on with our lives.

Eric!

Hey, buddy.

I just brought you these flowers to say
that I'm sorry.

And that you shouldn't try to sue me
because my lawyers are better than

I'm not going to sue anybody.

Look, you jump on a moving car, you take
your chances.

by, but Jim really needs his rest, so if
you want to just go, go, go.

Hey, congrats on marrying up.

When we first met, I didn't think you
had a shot.

I'll be seeing you.

Punch freeze!

What did you mean by when we first met?

Ten years ago. You gave me directions to
Old Orchard Mall.

Thanks, by the way. Those directions
were perfect.

You, Mr. Estrada.

Thank you very, very much.

It's so tasty.

Hey, hey, hey, one more question.

You know that coffee shop that's down in
Roosevelt?

Oh, yeah, the one that used to be the
Chinese Laundry.