All language subtitles for According to Jim s05e14 The Stick

Oh, my gosh. Nicole across the street,
her dad is the coolest. He was a semi

-pro baseball player.

He caught a rattlesnake with his bare
hands. And he has a nickel from 1896.

Her dad can water ski barefoot, and he
got Pat Sajak's autograph.

It was so cool. We saw the picture and
everything. Yeah, we saw the picture. It

was awesome.

That's awesome. So cool.

It's very festive.

I know.

I know, but is one exclamation point
enough? Because I am pretty excited.

It's perfect.

Very festive.

Thank you, guys. Thanks so much for your
help. I'm going to go get the kids.

Is that you again?

No. Grow up.

It's probably Ryan. Maybe it's an
emergency.

Made you look ha -ha.

See the little devil face?

That's because I'm being kind of a
rascal.

Hey.

Oh, my birthday.

Hey, Dana, did you get me the beer of
the month club thing?

Yeah, this year it comes with a calendar
so you can pace yourself.

Not going to happen.

Andy, cup tickets?

Oh, yeah, opening day, you and me.

Actually, I was going to take Kyle this
year.

Fine, it's your day.

We're sure upstairs getting the kids
ready for the big moment.

Yeah, so go back outside, make a lot of
noise, and come back in looking

surprised like every year. Okay, okay.
And you're going to put down that

magazine and pretend like you like me,
right?

I'll put down the magazine.

Cheryl, hurry up! I think I hear Jim
coming!

Whoa! Who put up that sign?

Wow, that's festive.

I can tell you look totally surprised in
me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, we got you, man. We got you
good.

Easy.

Happy birthday, Daddy. Oh, thank you,
young Kyle. Let's see what you got your

daddy.

Moisturizer.

From France. From France. Yeah.

Just when I thought I couldn't get any
moisture.

Thank you very much, guys.

Happy birthday, Daddy. Oh, girls, you're
so sweet. Why did you get me here?

Look at that.

It's a... Sweater vest.

A very smart one. Yes.

Sure, look at that. I mean, it keeps you
warm, yet you still have a full range

of motion with your arms.

Thank you, girls.

Okay, honey.

This one's for me. Wow, this is a big
one.

Maybe it's a pair of sweater pants to go
with his sweater vest.

They don't make those. I've checked.

A watercolor painting set.

For me.

Yeah, yeah.

Now you can learn how to paint.

You know how I love to learn.

Thank you, Cheryl.

Those paints are perfect, Jim. Now you
have another way of expressing yourself

besides yelling at the TV.

Absolutely. Cake?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me light
the candles. You can make your wish.

Cheryl, a wish?

Now?

I have a sweater vest, French
moisturizer, and a watercolor set.

For me to wish for anything more would
just be greedy.

Wow.

What a great birthday.

What's that?

It's your paint set.

Oh, I didn't recognize it.

You know, out of the box, standing there
staring at me.

Well, honey, there's a full moon. I
thought maybe you could paint it while I

take a nice relaxing shower.

Actually, I'd like to look through my
beer catalog.

You know, it helps me sleep.

You gotta see this moon with the clouds.

You should see this beer made in Bosnia.

I think they make it in prison.

See? The moon's not like this every
night.

Cheryl, you know what? I want to be nice
about this, but you know what? If the

moon was crashing into another moon and
it made a perfect pair of space boobs...

I still wouldn't be painting it.

What?

You don't like my present?

Honey, I put a lot of thought into this.
I mean, it's the professional set. And

you know what? I really do appreciate
that, Cheryl. I know the effort you go

through. It means a lot to me. It's just
that this gift is for someone else, you

know? Like Jacques.

Jacques? Jacques, your imaginary
husband.

You know, the famous painter who's moist
and wears a sweater vest?

Is it so terrible that I want to
encourage you to try new things? Cheryl,

don't want to encourage me. You want to
upgrade me.

I do not.

Yes, you do.

Honey, I know you live with Jim, but
sometimes I think you fantasize about

living with Jacques.

Do I try to capture perfection on
canvas?

When it is sitting right next to me.

Jim Jacques, you have given me the laugh
beyond my wildest dreams. Mon

amour, please pass me the moisturizer.

I'm feeling a bit dry, like last night's
Chardonnay.

Make love to me.

Dirty, fresh love.

No. No?

We must cuddle.

Then make fun of the help.

That's not how I see you.

Oh, come on. No, what I see is a man
with a lot of potential to do a lot of

things. Oh, Cheryl, I hate that word
potential.

That's the word the teachers used to say
before they'd make me repeat a grade.

Oh, yeah.

Honey, you do it every year. Honest to
God, one year you give me sailing

lessons, then driving gloves, then an
antique leather footlocker.

Come on.

What? You use a footlocker? Yeah, yeah.

That's where I stash all of Jacques'
gifts.

Check out Mark.

Beer from Bosnia.

Whoa, with pretzels from Herzegovina.

Uh -huh.

I guess things are looking up over
there. Yeah.

Hello, my young son.

What do you got there?

Daddy, remember that moisturizer I gave
you?

Yes. That was really for Mommy.

No kidding.

Don't worry about it. It's okay. That's
what moms do.

For the record, I got my own gift. But
you guys have fun on opening day.

to give you something just from me?

A stick.

How about that? A stick.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, my son.

I like this stick.

Come on. How cool is that kid?

Jim, it's a stick.

A monkey could drag in a stick.

like my stick.

Hey. Hey.

What's that?

A birthday present from Kyle.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Is that a bug nut I can put in the
garage? No, no, no. Are you kidding me?

This is my birthday present.

I think it's got a lot of potential.

We can make it if we try.

Thank you.

your precious dick wet?

Guys, thanks so much for watching the
kids.

Jim and I never get to sneak out for a
movie. It's our pleasure.

We also came up with some fun activities
for them to do. Yeah.

We're going to play bank and have them
roll my coins.

Then we're going to play dry cleaner and
have them wear an Uncle Andy shirt.

Anybody seen my keys?

Yeah, they're right here.

I'm not doing it.

Thank you.

I like Tim better this way. We never
have to see him.

You know, I get that he doesn't like my
gifts, but he doesn't have to mock me by

pretending to love that...

Cheryl, he's not pretending. He loves
that thing. I even caught him looking

through a book of names.

Hey, maybe for Father's Day you should
get him, like, a 30 -footer and he could

live across the street with Andy.

Don't tempt me.

You know what it is? He thinks I'm
trying to change him with my gifts.

I mean, I'm just trying to show him his
true potential.

Cheryl, you're not alone in this thing,
okay? Jim's not exactly the brother -in

-law I fantasized about.

You fantasized about a brother -in -law?

Would you stop bumping into me?

You're lucky I even brought you here.

I'm so sorry.

I'm just kind of intimidated.

I mean, this place is so cool.

Just don't embarrass me, okay?

The only reason why you're here is
because Cheryl made me take you. And I'm

best friend.

Look, Princess Leia is checking you out.

Not surprising.

The force is strong in me.

Hey, Princess Leia, you want to play
with this lightsaber?

Knock it off, you dork. Sorry. You have
failed me for the last time.

No, no.

Your master now.

Sorry.

All right, Dana. What would you change
about Jim?

I'd just clean him up a little.

There she is.

There's Dana.

My fab best friend.

You know, I was walking down Michigan
Avenue.

I saw these, and a light bulb went off.
It said, Dana!

Nothing too good for Dana. So beautiful,
it's insane -a.

Jimmy Choo's gym.

Jimmy Choo's. Those are expensive.

Hey, don't be a silly. It's only money.

So, tell me about your day.

It was a nightmare. I'm a heretic to
disaster.

Really? You should go to Jonathan.

I thought we didn't like him. Oh, he's
good again.

Yes. That's great. You know what? You
could use some highlights.

Okay, so in your fantasy, Jim's gay?

Not gay.

Just someone who'd be my best friend and
go shopping and maybe see a show.

See, Cheryl, the difference with us is
we don't see a point in trying to change

Jim. We can enjoy the fantasy and then
live with the disappointing but lovable

reality.

Come on, Cheryl, let's go. I don't want
to be late. Get on a stick.

Hey, did he catch that?

Get on the stick?

You're not bringing that stick with us,
are you?

Oh, the stick is definitely coming.

I mean, in the movie theater, if we both
have to go to the bathroom, it can save

our seats.

No, no, you can't bring a stick to the
movie.

Why not?

Because you look like a crazy person.

Hey, you want me to go in the kitchen
and make you a tinfoil hat?

Cheryl, if the stick don't go, I don't
go.

What? I am drawing the line in the sand.

Is that so?

Yes.

Cheryl, I may be speaking softly, but
look what I'm carrying.

I can't go to the movies with a man who
brings a stick.

I don't get it, baby. Why are you trying
to change me?

I don't get it. What is wrong with
change?

I mean, don't people diet and work out
and read books about new things?

Who are you talking to?

You talking to me?

Oh, you're talking to Jacques.

The husband you wished you were with.

Oh, Jim.

Cheryl, you know who likes me? Rough
edges and all?

The boy that gave me this stick.

He's five.

Yeah, that's a great thing about kids,
you know? When they love you, they think

you're perfect.

And then what we do as they grow up, we
teach them to find things that are

wrong.

And you...

I've been doing a great job with that.
Oh, honey.

Hey, Sheriff.

I said it before.

I'll say it again.

It's me.

You get what you get.

Good night, my sweet love.

You want some candy? Sure.

Please, um, why don't you get your daddy
a stick for his birthday?

It's either that or mud.

Good choice.

Let me ask you something else.

When you picture daddy, like, in your
dreams, what do you see?

picture daddy like for real not in your
dream what do you see that

so

there's nothing you change about your
daddy nope really nothing i

wish you take them all back to my desert

Well, it depends who you ask.

I liked it.

Not so much.

Hey, can we talk?

I'm kind of busy.

Want some candy? Sure.

So, um... I took back the painting set.

And I got you something new.

Something that's actually for you, not
for me or for Jacques.

A rock?

Well, I thought it would go well with a
stick.

Turned over.

Acceptance?

You found a rock with the word
acceptance on it?

Oh, honey.

I really do want you to be who you are.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, you know, you're with a man who
took a stick to the movies.

Did you buy the stick a ticket?

Well, it was before five sticks get in a
parade.

So, honey, I am officially done trying
to change you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Cheryl,

please. Come on, that's not going to
happen.

You are always going to try to change me
at least a little bit.

I don't mind that.

I mean, I don't mind trying turkey hot
dogs, but I'll never try soy hot dogs.

Let me tell you, the painting set was
soy.

I get it. I get it. I do, honey. And I
get you. I swear.

And if you are a guy who loves a stick,
then I am a woman who loves a guy who

loves a stick.

Wow. Bet no girl's ever written that in
her diary.

Thank you, baby.

You're welcome.

Can you use your rock?

What do you mean, use it?

It's a rock.

I mean, it's a nice rock.

But it ain't no stick.

Thank you. Thank you, honey.

Sweet Don't get jealous