Original subtitles

Hey, baby.

Hey. I got your favorite pizza.

Tomato basil.

No, anchovies.

I hate anchovies. Pick them off.

It is tomato... And what is that?

You recognize it?

What? That's what I gave you 15 years ago.

15 years ago, the night I proposed to you.

Right, I remember.

I guess it wasn't covered in mozzarella then.

Okay.

Sit down.

Okay.

Now, Cheryl, I know I don't really have a great track record of, you know,

getting you gifts for our anniversary or even remembering our anniversary.

So I'd like to make it all up to you.

Right now.

You okay?

Not really.

Cheryl, will you marry me again?

Oh, Jim.

Oh, that is so sweet.

There's nothing in here.

You already got the ring.

It's a romantic gesture, you know, like the kind of crap you've been yapping

about all these years.

You're right.

You're right, and it is.

And, of course, I'll marry you. Oh, fantastic.

Now, help me out.

Oh, baby.

I know, I know. Okay, I know neither one, but if you absolutely had to pick,

know the rules. It's life or death.

All right.

Janet Reno.

Over Matt Damon? Are you crazy?

He's a guy.

A pretty one. Oh, come on. That is just so ridiculous.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Do you like it?

I like it.

You look gorgeous. I love it.

Oh, good, honey. I bought it for when we renew our vows. I also got new outfits

for the kids, and I bought you a new suit.

Wait a minute, honey. I thought we were going to keep this short and simple. You

know, I still do, you still do, kiss, kiss, cake, sex, cake.

I think celebrating 15 years of marriage is worth doing right.

Jim, this is really important to me.

All right, then it's really...

Sort of important to me.

Cheryl, quick question. Are you inviting any young hotties?

Just cousins.

Ooh, I read somewhere that's okay now.

Uh, Cheryl? Cheryl?

A guy in a red shirt. Who is he? What's he doing in our living room?

This is Vance. He's my lighting designer.

Huh? I am going to infuse your space with drama.

As long as you take it with you when you leave.

Mommy, can Grace and I get our ears pierced for your wedding?

I have told you 50 times, you're too young.

Come on, can we please, can we?

Please, can we, can we, please? No, sorry, sorry, no.

Can we, Daddy?

Yeah, sure, why not?

on this couch right now and think about the poor children in other countries who

can't even afford ears.

Jim, honey, kitchen.

Kitchen.

Thanks.

So you guys know who Janet Reno is?

weeks about those earrings. You could have backed me up. Cheryl, there's a

good reason why I didn't back you up. I don't care.

That doesn't matter.

We agreed that as parents, we always present a united front.

Cheryl, you know me. I can't lay down a rule for something that I don't believe

in unless you ask me naked.

All right, but our girls are nine and ten.

And if they get their ears pierced now, it moves up the whole schedule. That

means by 11, makeup.

By 12, tube tops.

You want to hear 13?

No, no, I get it, I get it.

Song, underwear.

Come on!

Yes!

Did I put song, underwear on 13?

I said 13! Forget that!

I got some parenting to do.

Do get smart with me.

Now, you listen to me.

I don't want any more talk about ears or earrings or any of that stuff.

You're way too young.

But all our friends' parents let him have them.

Oh.

Well,

I guess then we lose the coolest parent contest, don't we?

Well, we make up for it by being great looking.

It's not fair.

Oh, not fair?

Well, honey, life's not fair. Ask your uncle. Andy. Oh.

Tell me about it. I've been trying to hook up with this dancer who... Andy,

Andy, Andy, stop.

All right.

So no earrings, no tube tops, and any underwear you wear has got to have

-Doo or unicorns on them.

Right. And no nagging. No nagging. But we just want... That's it. That's it.

I'm taking your TV out of your room.

We don't have a TV.

All right, all right, then what do you have that you like?

A phone. Okay, we're taking your phone out of your room.

Nice going.

Come on, let's go.

Upstairs, up, up, up, in your room right now.

Tube tops and underwear and makeup and earrings.

I don't know. I don't see a problem with them getting earrings.

I'm taking your phone out of your house right now.

Hey, don't touch my TV.

I'm taking it out.

I want roses. No carnations, and I want them by Saturday.

No carnations.

All right, call me right back.

Right back. Thank you.

All right, Dana, so what do you think of the length?

Well, I can't tell. Gracie, stand up straight and put your arm down. Oh,

But if I put my arm down, I can't suck my thumb like a little baby.

Can we even go to this wedding?

It is during our nap time.

It will be.

Main electrical box. We need more power.

I don't know. Try the garage.

The garage? Yes.

All right, all right, enough.

Girls, enough.

Upstairs, dress is off.

What is wrong with them?

They're mad because we won't let them get their ears pierced. But they're too

young. Pierced ears lead to tube tops, and tube tops lead to slutty underwear.

Yeah, exactly.

Have you told them to think about the poor kids who can't even afford ears?

four years ago. I thought you put sugar packets in your purse.

Can't think you called us, Sally Jackson.

I thought we took your phone out of your room. Daddy took the toy phone.

Sally just got her ears pierced and she's a year younger than me.

So the way we see it, you're wrong.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how would the two of you like to go to boarding school? You have to give

it 4 .30 in the morning and peel potatoes.

You don't have to. Girl, stealth mode.

Oh, good.

That's good. Now, can you wear your hair like that till you're 12?

Okay, girl, you have to pretend that you're still mad at me and Daddy for not

getting you earrings, right?

You're the worst mom ever.

Is that good enough? Because I've got more.

Seems like only yesterday they were too young to trust with a lie.

You didn't say what park?

I met a guy named Lefty. He can take out his eye.

Okay, God. Come on, come on.

Well, hello, my young doves. How about a big hug for your daddy?

Yeah, right.

We've got to go.

Oh, that sucks.

Yeah.

They're still really mad at us.

Both.

Equally.

I hate seeing their faces like that. They're so angry. It just kills me.

You know what? I better go up there and talk to them. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, you know what?

Gosh.

Won't it be harder to see them on the back of some guy's motorcycle at age 16?

Their thong underwear coming right up to those angel tattoos.

Angel tattoos?

On my angels?

That or the Chinese character for slut.

Okay, you're right.

United front. Right. Good parenting.

Daddy, let's teach her the bulls are at home. Plus four.

Plus four?

That's math.

This is mature.

Yeah, super mature, like Britney Spears.

Britney Spears?

I said mature, not old.

It's Daddy.

Hey. Oh, hi.

Yeah, hi.

I picked these up on the way home.

You can wear them at the wedding.

Earrings? Yeah. I mean, they're clip -ons, but they were the very best the

wash had.

You want to try them on?

We're tired. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, come on. Hey, just take a second. Let me put

them on you. Come on. Let me put it on you. Let me put it on you. Come on,

please. Just let me try them on.

pierced ears.

When did that happen?

Um, when we woke up this morning, they were just there. Oh.

Maybe it was a burglar.

Daddy, I'm scared.

I want to know the truth.

Mommy made us promise we're not allowed to tell you.

Mommy, huh?

Daddy, your face is turning red.

That's because daddy's filling up with love for your mommy.

Well, you won't be needing these, will you?

I'm going to take these back and exchange them for a beaded seat cover

daddy magazine.

had a tube top, you could totally buy beer.

Aw, look at you.

It's going to be a beautiful wedding, huh? No.

And why are you crying?

touches to my look.

You know, you say no carnations, and what do you get?

Car -freaking -nations!

On a day like today, you want everything to be just right.

You have no it.

What?

Oh, my God, don't tell me this clashes with the table linens.

under the age of 50 should have their ears pierced.

My kids were nagging me.

And you know what?

I thought, what the hell? I'll just give in.

I know I should have checked with you because, you know, you and I have a

front.

How could you do this?

Very easy. Three shots of tequila and a thumbtack.

What's the matter, baby?

Are you turning all red?

Okay, okay, that's the music. Uh -huh.

So, so I need you to listen.

Okay. You jackass!

We have a photographer and guests out there, and I need you to take out that

damn earring!

I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Something's in my ear.

Come on, baby.

Where'd Jim find a purple chicken?

Five bucks to send in a food fight.

Yeah, no bet.

I know the look he's going for, but, uh, quite frankly, it's reading a little

gay.

I'd agree with you, but, uh, that's my earring.

Just off the ear, Jim.

I think you put the hole all the way through your head.

Well, maybe I did.

Dearly beloved, we are here to reaffirm and renew a 15 -year union before man

and God.

Jim and Cheryl have promised to honor, cherish, and love each other as long as

they live.

And today, they will once again stand united... Hold it right there, Rev.

Cheryl. When he says united, he means two or more people on the same side.

Okay.

Cheryl, do you promise to honor... I'm sorry, but honor, do you mean wearing an

asinine feathered earring to embarrass your wife?

Uh, fine.

Skipping honor, then.

Do you promise to cherish each other?

Cherish. You know what I cherish, Rev?

Yelling at my kids over issues that I don't really believe in.

Damn. I wish I could have made them cry.

What's happening?

I don't know, but as soon as this thing's over, I'm stuffing my pockets

shrimp and getting the hell out of here.

All right.

Trust.

How do you feel about good old trust?

This man.

Told my daughter's teacher I was illiterate. He took my brother's sperm

claimed it as his own.

That story requires a little context.

Come on, wrap it up, Audrey.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

I'll tell you what my wife can kiss.

Thank you for a crappy wedding.

Hey, hey.

Same to you!

Let's polka!

Cousin Joanie, may I have this dance?

I'm going to cut the cake in 15 minutes, and then I am going to get very, very

drunk.

Cheryl, I don't think you get to be the mad one this time.

I think I get to be the mad one this time.

This was supposed to be a special day, and you ruined it.

What, you mean the special flowers, the special appetizers, the special

lighting?

This whole stupid party was your idea. No, no, no, no, I think my idea, no, my

idea. It was the pizza box with the ring box.

And hey, let's renew our vows.

A party is a production.

I had to hire vans. I had to find caterers. I had to do all the flowers.

Did you have any idea how tired I am? How much work I've had to do?

Hold on a second. Listen to what you said. Had to do? Yes.

You didn't have to do it, honey.

You wanted to do that.

Cheryl, I know you, okay? Listen to me. You've got to have everything perfect.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

And look, we've got a house full of guests. We've got a million flowers out

there. We've got Vance's line and design. And we've got two daughters with

pierced ears.

And what we don't have is you and me.

That's what this whole thing was about.

Our marriage. What we're celebrating.

Our love. And you know what? You get yourself so stressed out that I lose

I mean, you throw a hell of a party.

I mean, you want to be a party planner somewhere, you know.

Oh, God. What, what, what, what, what?

You finally do something romantic and I screw it up.

Come on, it's all right.

I'll do something romantic in 15 years.

All right.

Now, what do you say we go back in there and finish what we started?

Okay, okay, okay.

Madeline Albright or Leo DiCaprio?

Leo.

Hey.

It occurred to me that I hadn't kissed my bride yet.

Thank you.

And as I did 15 years ago, I'm going to carry my bride to our bedroom.

Jim,

we're all right here.

Yeah, that's why I hired the band. Play it loud, Tony!