Original subtitles

You're stupider. No, you're stupider. Hey, you two, knock it off over there.

Kyle, will you just sit still? Leave my face alone.

Cool, an eyelash.

Make a wish.

Whatever will I wish for?

Hey, Jim, I'm off to go see Piggy Goes to Paris.

Guy alone at a kiddie movie with a bag full of candy. Well, you get the

I need to borrow the Bratz.

Fantastic. Go, go, go.

Naked now!

and prefers teaching med students how to knock up 50 -year -old women to

actually knocking me up.

I told you, Mary Blue Collar. You do more laundry, but they're home for

Yeah.

Mom? Yeah?

What's knocking up?

Uh, well, you know how when you knock somebody down?

Well, it's the opposite of that.

Last week, Jim told them knocking boots was what you did to get the snow off

your feet.

I forget they're at the age when they have questions.

Yeah, well, I think Ruby's about to have a lot more.

They're showing a sex ed video to her class.

You know, it's state law.

Why can't they just learn about sex the way we did it at camp from the hairy

girl with the hippie parents?

Because I don't want them thinking they can't get pregnant if they do it in a

tree.

We got so lucky.

Seriously. Anyway, all the parents have to see the video first tomorrow night,

and I have to break it to Jim.

Oh, my God. Will you take a picture of his face the moment he realizes his

daughter will one day have sex?

No, girls, that's not what knocking up means.

Just leave your little brother alone.

Stop it.

What's going on with them? Oh, you won't care in a minute.

Uh,

honey, so tomorrow night... We're going to go to Ruby's school and watch a sex

ed video that they're going to show to her class.

Chair.

Beer. Beer. Beer.

Out.

He needs you.

news to me after sex or when you're cashing your paycheck that's regular bad

news this is special bad news Jim I didn't have enough eggs to make flan sex

video my eye are you kidding me she's not gonna watch no sex ed video

these people are stupid she's only seven years old well first of all she's ten

Illinois state law.

Illinois, huh? Yeah.

Yeah.

Illinois.

Illinois with a silent S.

Look, Jim, all the kids in her class are going to be seeing this movie.

Now, do you want her to get the information firsthand or in the

from her friends?

You let her talk to kids in a playground who talk about sex?

She's going to hear something somewhere, and chances are it's not going to be

accurate.

You know, I went out with a girl once who thought if you did it in a tree, you

couldn't get pregnant.

I got so lucky.

And she didn't get pregnant.

Well, I get it.

I do. I get it.

It's the right thing to do.

I think rubies could learn, you know, a healthy, mature approach to the old

squeaky squeaky.

Yeah, honey.

You're lucky to have a dad like you.

You know, squeaky squeaky means sex, right?

I know.

If it were in a hot tub, it would be splashy splashy.

Yeah, I got it. You know what they'd call it if you're on a trampoline?

Nope. Boinky boinky.

Hey, hey, you know what this is?

Annoying, annoying.

Are you sure it's not clever clever?

Hey, Jim.

Ruby's going to do it.

Hi, Mrs. Clark.

Carol, it's so great to see you.

Oh, you too.

Here's what I don't get.

All the taxes I'm paying for schools, and you people can't put out a few lousy

snacks?

All right, everyone, let's go on and take our seats and get started.

Thank you.

I can't believe it. Now, as most of you know, this is my first year teaching

fifth grade, so I haven't seen the film, but they've been showing it here for

years without any complaint.

It's called Answer the Phone, Puberty's Calling.

Puberty.

It's going to be a long night.

Long.

Here comes my good friend, Margo.

What's happening, Ben?

Hey, Margo.

Hi, kids.

We're going to take you on a groovy trip to better understanding your changing

bodies. Far out, Margo.

You boys out there may have noticed some new stuff going down, like hair growing

around your penis and testicles.

Don't freak out.

Grip.

Grip.

Young people just like you are going through the same thing all over this big

blue marvel.

social studies quiz.

Don't worry. You won't miss that quiz.

But you are on your way to becoming a woman.

Oh, my God.

You see, Cindy, your uterine lining will thicken and slough off every 28 days.

This is called menstruation.

It happens to every woman. Ask your mom tonight. It's supper time.

Watch the tape like this!

I'm sorry.

Not a fan of menstruation.

All right, come on. Let's dash this stuff in my trunk.

I've scored batteries, English muffins, ooh, and the new Us Weekly.

I got coffee and bubble bath. I just love babysitting here. It saves me a

to the market.

I don't want to explain.

I'm not giving back the tape.

Jim, you don't give back the tape. You look crazy. And I look crazy for

you. I'll tell you what's crazy. You know what's crazy? All the batteries in

English muffins we go through in this house.

That's crazy.

Hey, hey, what are you guys doing home so early?

video in front of everybody and ran out.

Oh, Jim, if you have questions, you can always come to me.

Hey, I'll show you how to get after it.

Honey, look, you're just freaking out because you're starting to realize that

your little girl is becoming a young woman.

You're not upset about the tape.

You're upset that puberty's calling.

I'm upset, Cheryl. I'm upset about the tape. Well, And you will be, too, as

as you see it.

See that girl?

Yeah, that's Cindy.

Boy, you think she's 40, 45 now?

Likes to get after it?

You see that boy in the background?

Yeah.

Let me tell you a little story about a 12 -year -old boy's first and only

job.

A boy named Jim.

My mother used to make me do all kinds of things for money.

She used to make me steal dogs and return them for the reward.

One time I hung around a track for a week trying to get a horse to kick me in

the head.

This movie actually was one of the better gigs.

I just can't believe... you never told me you did a sex ed movie i didn't know

it was a sex ed movie till tonight she told me it was a horror film

jim teaching kids about sex i'm scared

hey jim something else we have in common i too was a child actor nay star star

you were a goofy kid selling cake mix mama dibs old -fashioned cake mix And

I beat out Cusack for that part.

Timmy Cusack! Still a Cusack!

Stop it!

Jim, I just don't know what you're so worried about.

You're just a boy in the background.

Cheryl, now you know me.

When have I ever stayed in the background?

Fred likes to look at Cindy.

She's the grooviest girl in class.

Yeah, I remember this now.

That director jerk.

told me that Cindy was a ghost, and that I should look at her, be scared, and

then look down.

Why down?

Oh, God.

But sometimes looking at Cindy gets Fred excited.

It's okay, Fred. Don't worry.

Everything's cool.

That's why your voice is cracking and you're developing body odor and pimples.

You're a real treat, Fred.

Nobody can see this tape.

I'm not giving it back.

You have to give it back. If you don't, they'll just get another copy.

Crap, I didn't even think about that.

What is the big deal?

I'll tell you what the big deal is, Dana. I'll tell you what the big deal

I don't want my daughter learning about men by watching her father pop one.

There's no way I can have my daughter see this. My little sweetheart is not

going to watch this tape.

We can still watch it.

There are a lot of changes going on inside of Fred.

Let's look at a cross -section of his testicles and penis.

Oh, okay, we're done here. Yeah,

sorry about the blindfold, Jim.

I just can't take any chances. If this location ever got out, well, that could

be bad.

This is your basement.

You don't know that.

I helped you put the drywall up.

I can hear my kids playing outside.

Damn it, now I gotta knock you off.

Stop it. Will you be serious for a minute here?

Come on, man. This is important.

Now show me with all this crap how you're gonna...

Make this video different so nobody knows it's me. Hey, Jim, come on.

Putting a head on someone else's body, it's a piece of cake. I do it for my

friends' online dating photos all the time, okay?

Just let me fire up the computer, all right? All right, all right.

Computer on.

It seems some pranksters have infiltrated my location here.

Find a head to replace mine.

Oh, I got the perfect one in mind. Did you ever see my cake commercial? No.

Mmm,

give me a piece of that.

Right there, you see that? The bodies, the expression, it's perfect.

I mean, it's going to take all night, but I can have it to you by morning. All

right. Oh, Jim.

Don't tell anyone you were here.

Not a problem.

I guess I just freaked out at the thought of my sweet, darling little

becoming this menstruating... That's right.

A menstruating woman.

And it won't happen again.

It's understandable, Jim.

Thank you. Did you notice I put out snacks?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, apples and carrots.

Oh, well.

I hope my nerd brother came through for us.

Oh, my God, that looks great.

He did good.

Fred likes to look at Cindy.

She's the grooviest girl in class.

Mmm, give me a piece of that.

I forgot to erase the audio.

But sometimes looking at Cindy gets Fred excited.

Better save some for Daddy.

This is not educational. This is a porno. I want mine with whipped cream.

You know, Jim was right. Our kids should never see this video. I'm sorry, I had

no idea.

I want to speak to the principal.

Yes!

I demand that you get a new tape and never ever use this tape ever again.

Please, we have to protect our children from filth like this. And seriously,

apples and carrots, we're done growing.

How about some pretzels and wings?

Ruby had her sex ed class today. They had class discussion, diagrams, but no

video.

Yes! We put that behind us now. Yes, the elusive Jim gets away with another one.

All right, honey, not so fast.

What? We'd love to go upstairs and talk to Ruby.

What? Yeah, her homework assignment is to talk to us about what she learned

today.

I know it's hard.

Cheryl, how about instead of having that talk, why don't we just lock her up in

a basement until her wedding day?

And we'll let her out if her fiancé can beat me in a sword fight.

I think it's time to do this.

Cheryl, once we have this talk, there's no going back.

I know.

This is my little girl we're talking about.

You know what my first thought was when she was born and the doctor said it was

a girl?

Yeah. Damn it, I wanted a boy.

Okay, my second thought was that this sweet little angel

was going to grow up and be a woman.

And that was going to suck!

I know, honey. She did grow up fast.

But it's our job to make sure she knows what she needs to know.

I know, but I... I just can't get myself to do it.

Are we doing my sex talk or not?

Be strong.

Let's go up to your room.

Oh.

Dad,

is it okay if I just talk to Mommy?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, sure. Why not?

I mean, you sure you want me to talk to you about some stuff?

Because, you know, a daddy knows a lot of stuff.

Especially with a sex talk like this, you might want a guy around to talk

stuff. Is it getting hot in here? Because I'm starting to see little

I just think it'd be easier talking to Mommy.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah. I think it's really important that you and your mom have a

time together.

Now just stay out of the way.

Okay, Daddy.

Bye.

Bye, sweetheart.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, baby.

Hey, baby.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you not talk to Ruby for a year or so?