All language subtitles for According to Jim s05e06 Anec-Donts

Encyclopedia Brown boy detective then
said, I know who did it.

How did Encyclopedia know?

Turn to the solution page, Daddy.

I don't need to, honey.

I already know. It was Wolford Wiggins.

I mean, everybody else's alibi was rock
solid.

I think Bugs Meany did it.

I don't think so, Kyle.

He said he was watching TV, but the
power was out because of a storm.

Don't feel bad, honey. Even the book got
it wrong.

Andy,

I don't hear a thing.

Oh, there we go.

Come on, guys. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was right there.

Okay, who's got my speculum?

You mean my metal bird puppet?

Ah!

Ah!

Hello?

Hey! Who wants to hear about the best
trip to the market ever?

I do!

Remember? Remember how I told you how
the Fuji apples were going to be

incredible this year because of all the
rainfall in Japan?

Don't tell me you have some of those
apples in that bag right now. I do!

Lucky honey or good shopping?

I guess a little bit of both.

I hope there's room in the crisper. Oh,
fingers crossed.

What the hell was that?

I mean, come on. Were you actually
listening to anything she was talking

Are you kidding me?

Come on, she went to the market.

I don't give a crap.

Look, it's a husband's duty.

to listen to their wife, whatever they
have to say, even if it's a little

boring. You know, Jim, I'm trying. I've
really been trying hard, you know?

But then, you know, Dana comes home at
the end of the day and she starts

yammering about her day, right? And I
tune her out.

And then she starts yelling at me, which
means no sexy sexy.

Of course not.

Listening is the foreplay.

There is nothing harder than pretending
to be interested in your wife's end -of

-the -day stories.

Well, then help me out. How do you do
it? You gotta find something that's

extremely boring and pay attention to
it.

Hey, Andy, what are you doing tonight?

Nothing. Why?

Why don't you take Ryan out for a treat
and tell him all about your Star Trek

convention?

Oh, hell yeah.

Don't you think I should work up to
something like that?

Sink or swim.

Oh, what a day it was, okay? We're at
the VFW Hall in Decatur. My friend

Jeffrey's dressed as a Romulan.

I feel this tug on my cape. I'm
thinking... Oh, my God!

I thought you were in the kitchen.
You're like a rabbit. You're all over

place. I was upstairs showing the apples
to the kids. Oh, great!

Yeah, yeah.

The boring apples that your boring wife
got at the boring market.

I'm going to go clean out that crisper.
No, you are not.

How could you say that about me? How
could you even hear me?

How is it that every time there's
something I say that I don't want you to

you hear it?

It's like you got FBI ears. You work for
the FBI.

If I worked for the FBI, I wouldn't be
so boring.

Well, honey, obviously, if you had a gun
and you fought crime, you'd be a little

more interesting.

Honey, I'm not saying you're boring. No.
You're not, honey.

All I'm saying is that at the end of the
day, sometimes your stories don't sing.

Oh, I see. And your end -of -the -day
stories are so fascinating.

Hey, I went to the lumberyard today. I
do not talk like that, Cheryl.

Everybody knows that I am interesting.

I am a natural -born storyteller. I am a
showman.

I am a showman. Wherever I go, it seems
like the spotlight finds me.

Yes, I am a teller of tales, if you
will. I am a rankateur.

This is good.

am just an interesting kind of guy.
Interesting things happen to me.

Why? I wouldn't be surprised if
something interesting didn't happen to

way to the kitchen.

I just saved a life.

Oh, my God. Cheryl, you are not going to
believe what just happened. What? Get

who is in front of me at the coffee
shop.

Oprah.

No way.

It gets better.

Oprah forgot her wallet, and she was
totally mortified, but I came to her

rescue.

I need your Oprah story.

What? Yeah, I need to tell Jim it
happened to me.

No way, that's my story.

I want that story.

And if I don't get it, I'm going to tell
Ryan you never graduated from college.

Two credits short. Who cares? Ryan loves
me for who I am.

But Mom doesn't.

That's right.

That's right. I'll tell her. And I'll
tell her that you spent your tuition on

weed.

But I didn't. Oh, yeah?

Who's she going to believe? You or a
college graduate?

Thanks a lot, Dave.

You saw Oprah in a coffee shop? Yeah.

That's like seeing... Well, there's no
one bigger than Oprah.

Yeah,

and then we talked, you know, for like
an hour, you know?

I recommended some books, you know?

Apparently, I'm a lot like Gail.

Really? I don't remember that part of
the story.

covered from college, did it?

And she's out of cash.

I love that part.

That's irony, my friends.

You know, Dana, you go into that coffee
shop every day.

How come nothing interesting ever
happens to you?

Oh, oh, here's something. Oh, here's
something interesting. I didn't tell you

this. My cell phone broke today.

So, Cheryl, did you guys talk about
Steadman at all?

No, no. You know, I don't want to
monopolize the conversation with my

little end -of -the -day stories.

So, Jim, anything interesting happen to
you today?

Uh, yeah.

Really? How did the spotlight find you?

Oh, you will not believe how long... it
took to get to the marble warehouse.

How long?

Well, like an hour and a half.

It's only 11 miles.

Oh, darn it.

I really have to pee, but I don't want
to miss the big ending.

What happened?

There's a lot of traffic.

I think it's safe for you to pee now.

Oh.

You're wasting me with that Oprah story.

I'm the interesting one.

I've got to come up with something
that's going to top that. Jim, come on,

There's no top in Oprah.

She did a whole show on jeans for every
figure.

There's a way, there's a way. Come on, a
lot of exciting things happen around

here. What's on the agenda for today?

Well, pretty much you sitting there, me
sitting here, and then lunch.

Oh, and I might go jean shopping.

Oh, great.

Hey, Cheryl, Andy found a pair of jeans
that gave him a teardrop ass.

Yeah, that's gonna work.

Why don't you make something up? Cheryl
will never know the difference.

Good idea.

What do you got in mind?

Okay, okay.

We're on the way to the marble
warehouse.

Okay.

But this time, there is no traffic.

No, no, no, man. There's no nothing.

All right.

We get up there.

We're the only two people left on the
face of the earth.

Great.

Until Cheryl realizes...

She's here, too.

So, it was only then that I realized my
T -shirt wasn't white. Guess what color

it was.

Egg so?

Oh, my God! You're amazing!

Hey,

Doc.

You been training, huh?

Nope. Drinking.

Interesting happened to you today?

No, not really.

Nothing Oprah interesting.

Well, baby, maybe tomorrow.

Andy! What happened?

Are you all right?

Yeah. Thanks to this brave...

humble man saved my life.

See, we had just gotten back from the
marble warehouse.

You know what? You're getting a little
weak. Why don't you sit down? I'll take

care of this. Don't worry about it. We
just got back from the marble warehouse,

right? And Andy went in the sight
trailer to take a nap.

And, well, I was outside and then all of
a sudden, what did I smell?

Smoke. And where there's smoke,
there's... Smokers?

inside. And I knew Andy was there.

You ran into a burning building.

Well, I had to.

I had to. Andy was passed out.

From the long drive to the marble
warehouse.

So I went in there.

I was fighting through the flames,
right?

And then I picked him up, threw him on
my shoulder, and I walked out.

You carried him? Well, it was the
adrenaline.

That's a lot of adrenaline.

Well, you know, you get that. superhuman
strength when a loved one is in danger.

Whoa, look out. Burgers are burning.

Well,

Cheryl, anything interesting happen you
today?

Oh, I guess not.

Maybe tomorrow.

It's oxygen, aren't you?

I never thought so clearly, Jim. I
bought a whole case.

I got 48 bottles under the table.

You want one?

First one's free.

Give me that. Put that down.

You're crazy.

Hello.

Well, hi, Cheryl.

Oh, so you're fixing a hero sandwich for
your hero.

Well, that's nice, honey. I look forward
to coming home tonight and having that

hero sandwich.

Lunch.

She wants to come down here and show the
kids the fire damage.

What do we say? What do we say?

Make something up. You're the showman.
You're a little razzle -dazzle.

Well, honey, uh, we're pretty busy.

Oh, honey, come on. Ruby wants to take
pictures for her school paper.

All right.

See you in a bit.

You're going to be here in ten minutes.
We've got to come up with something

quick. Quick!

I got it.

You and I hit the road and we start new
lives in Canada.

Take another hit.

I got it.

We set the building on fire.

I'm a pyro from way back.

Oh, you've done this before?

Oh, yeah, but I'm not supposed to talk
about it.

Okay, let's control it over there a
little bit.

Put a little out over there.

What the hell?

I thought you filled that thing up.

I didn't.

Then you thought it'd be funny to
surprise me in the port -a -john.

Man,

look at that.

I'm running out of breath. I'm going to
get my oxygen.

Inside the trailer. Behind the burning
wall.

seems to find me.

Okay.

So, I'm supposed to believe there was a
fire at your site trailer two days in a

row?

Look, Cheryl.

Fine.

I wasn't going to tell you this. I was
trying to protect you.

But, you know, us being in Chicago and
me being in a construction business,

I got mob ties.

You've got to be kidding me.

I just crossed the wrong guy, Cheryl.

What guys, Jim?

You know, Johnny Sack and his crew.

Johnny Sack.

Jim? I watched The Sopranos with you!

Fine, Cheryl.

Fine. I wanted to top your Oprah story.

I'm competitive!

I'm a showman. I wanted to beat you so
bad that I almost wiped out a reasonably

skilled non -union construction crew.

Oh, Jim.

Oh, Jim. Oh, Jim. Don't do it.

Oh, Jim.

This is a new low even for you.

You know what's funny?

Oprah and I talked about this.

We did. We talked about how important it
is to be truthful with your mate.

What? I don't know what she's talking
about.

I need the truth. He's drinking every
day because I'm boring.

It's also because I like it.

No, it is. No, it is. She's jealous. You
know, Oprah said this would happen. Oh,

she stole my anecdote because you said
she was boring.

Well, well, well.

Oh, no. Well, well, well. You blew up
your office.

You blew up your office?

That's awesome.

every detail of my Oprah story.

No, no, no, no. Let's listen about the
burning. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay,

let me set the scene. I was wearing my
favorite pair of jeans. You know the

ones. You like those ones. I think Oprah
liked them, too. She was wearing a

slate and three... Oh, great.

What?

You're gonna sit there.

I'm gonna sit here.

And we're gonna talk about our feelings
for the next six hours.

Let's just cut to the chase, okay,
honey?

We're both boring.

We both lied.

We're both crazy.

Crazy.

Yeah.

Crazy in love with each other.

What? Why do you think it's so important
not to be boring?

Honey, you know why I'm a showman?

You like the attention?

Yeah, I do. I love the attention.

From you.

You know, most people live their lives,
they talk about their kids, and they go

to bed.

But you and me, we got a little magic
going here.

We lie.

We blow things up.

Are you saying...

You blew up your sight trailer for me.

Baby, that was a 30 -foot fireball love.

That's so romantic.

I'm a showman.