Original subtitles

Previously on According to Jim. Well, I have a romantic ace in the hole right

here. Is that the tape?

The mixtape that Cheryl made for me on our third date. And over the years, this

tape became the soundtrack for our fairytale lives.

Remember this?

Oh my God!

Jim, is that our mixtape? Yeah!

This is amazing!

Come on, let's hear it.

Oh, honey, that's just CD. We don't have a tape deck.

I had it made into a CD. They just boosted all the levels. It sounds really

clear. I love you, Cheryl.

That's my ex -boyfriend, Chad.

Why is Chad on a mixtape you made for Jim? Because I didn't make it for Jim.

Chad made it for me.

Oh, baby.

Why did you give Jim a mixtape that your ex -boyfriend made for you? I didn't.

Jim came to pick me up for a date and he was just sitting there.

Blues for my baby?

Wow.

Elbert Cowan?

Delbert McClinton?

That a James?

Joe, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever made for me.

Thank you.

You should have seen the look on his face.

It really touched me.

The look on his face?

Cheryl, couldn't you just get a house full of cats?

They make faces and they're clean.

Seriously.

I saw something in Jim I hadn't seen before.

I couldn't tell him Chad made the tape for me. He would have felt awful.

Well, not as awful as he's going to feel when he hears the new bonus track, I

love you, Cheryl.

Yeah, I dated Elmer Fudd. We hunted Wabbit.

What am I going to do?

Gas tank full in the minivan?

I'm not running away.

Are you sure, Cheryl? Women with husbands a lot better than yours do it

day.

All right.

How about...

You and Jim don't get along.

Jim, something horrible happened.

Honey, I lit a match.

I was making you a smoothie, and the CD fell in the blender. It's ruined

forever.

Oh, baby, don't you worry about that.

You know what? It costs the same amount of money to make one copy of the CD as

it was to make...

I sold one to Andy and the whole thing paid for itself.

Wow, 50 copies, huh?

Wow, you really thought everything.

Your man is a genius.

Now, where were we? Ah, yes.

We were talking about romance.

Shall we continue?

We shall.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what?

This is a very special moment.

I want it, dear.

Okay, you need to.

I feel like the music's too loud.

It has to be.

Remember last week, Cal thought we had a bear living in here?

Cheryl, come on. You are hard to handle.

You know what, honey?

I can't wait longer.

Take me now.

Honey, that is too low. I'm going to hear my knee creak.

Cheryl, you know what?

I should say this more often, but... I love you, Cheryl.

too jim what was that you said i love you cheryl and

i said i love you too you didn't say i love you cheryl what

why not you love me now i'm upset

cheryl i did not say i love you cheryl that wasn't me

That wasn't me saying I love you, Cheryl.

I love you, Cheryl.

I love you, Cheryl.

You, Cheryl.

Okay. You know how they say every time you laugh, it adds seven minutes to your

life?

Well, this is going to add like two weeks.

voice on the tape?

It was my ex -boyfriend, Chad.

Because, because, because, wait, because I didn't make that tape for you.

Chad made it for me.

It doesn't work if you keep all those laughs inside.

Chairman, you gave me this tape.

No, actually, you found it and assumed it was for you. Now, Let's have a good

laugh, then go have sex.

Oh, oh, I know.

Sandwich.

Cheryl, our whole lives have been centered around this tape. Every special

moment. And now you're telling me this tape is a lie?

What else in our life is a lie?

The children, are they mine?

I knew they were too good looking.

Mama, I know I should have told you about the tape, but...

loved it so much and you know the more we listened to it the more it really did

become our tape please believe me i'd like to believe you if i knew who you

seriously cheryl for all i know you could be reporting our whole life to

handler in moscow are you not a communist spy oh right

conrad

of Russia, I'm just a little too smart for her.

Do you even listen to yourself?

Oh, come on, honey.

Can't we just forget this and resume our romantic evening?

Cheryl, I will be in the backyard destroying these CDs.

The dream is dead.

Oh.

My.

There never was a smoothie, was there?

Sounded pretty good.

Yeah, we found it pretty good.

You stopped singing halfway through and just stared at your shoes.

It's a blues song.

I got depressed.

What do you guys want to play next?

I want If You Love Me Like You Say.

Pick another song.

Um, what about I Want Your Love?

Let's try another one. How about I'm With You?

Let's just pick another damn song.

Oh, I get it.

Those songs make you miss Chad.

I told you that in confidence.

Yeah, I know, but they're your friends, Jim. I thought they might heal your

pain.

Also, I thought it'd be really funny.

What does it matter who made some stupid mixtape?

I don't know, guys.

Jim, if I may, man, this is just like Flashdance.

Flashdance gets into a big ballet company, and then she realizes it's all

because her rich boyfriend pulled some strings.

Is that it, Jim?

Is it like Flashdance?

Kind of.

What did Flashdance do?

I'll tell you what she did. She put on some leg warmers and danced her heart

out.

There you go, Jim, the answer to your problems.

Oh, come on.

Go ahead, Jim. Be a maniac.

You guys aren't helping me at all.

Knock it off!

Come on!

Jim, you can't expect us not to laugh at this story.

You don't know the whole story.

Neither does Cheryl.

And I'm going to tell her. Andy, the door.

What a feeling.

Cheryl?

We need to talk.

I know, honey. I should have told you about the tape. No, no, no, no. Stop

there. There's something I've been wanting to get off my chest.

I was hoping I'd never have to tell you, but there's another reason that tape is

important to me.

Party!

Okay.

Suzy, sit down. Sit down.

All right, look. You sit tight, all right?

I've got to go talk to this chick Cheryl for a second.

Hey, what's a sensitive way of saying I'm dumping you because you won't put

I wouldn't know.

But you wouldn't.

That's why you're here.

Hey.

Wait till they get a load of me.

What?

The Joker. From Batman. Don't you get it?

Oh, right.

It's hilarious.

Hey, Mr. Queenie.

Beanie. Beanie.

I really love cats.

Hey, Cheryl, I was thinking.

Me too.

Is that out of James' plane?

Oh, it's a mixtape.

If it weren't for that tape, I would have said, I'm thinking we should see

people who aren't each other. Hasta la vista, baby.

You were going to dump me?

Yeah.

I mean, I figured we'd part as friends and leave the door open for a 2 a .m.

booty call, you know.

Wow. Wow, yeah.

Well, I just thought you deserved to know the whole story.

No more secrets.

Right, good.

You know, as long as we're being honest, there's something you should know.

Okay, how's that?

I think he needs to be higher. I want to look just like Debbie Gibson.

Well, you can have her ponytail, but only God hands out that kind of talent.

Oh, I can't wait for the second album.

Can we go already?

WrestleMania 2 starts in less than an hour, and this Hulkamaniac doesn't want

be in the back of the line with all the losers.

Yeah, you know, you guys should probably go anyway, because Jim's going to be

here to pick me up soon. Oh, relax, Cheryl. It's not like we're going to be

hanging around you the rest of our lives.

What you going to do, brother?

Huh? What you going to do when the largest arms in the world go wild on

Why don't you take the back stairs?

Want me to show you the atomic leg drop? Don't touch me.

Don't worry, Mr. Feeney.

One day I'll get married and take you away from those two.

Hello? Oh, hey, Mom.

Nothing. I'm just waiting for that guy, Jim, to pick me up.

I don't know. Probably back to the arcade to play Frogger.

Yeah, I know.

I'm breaking up with him tonight.

He's cute, but I just really want a guy with more depth, you know?

That's a great idea. I'm totally going to give him Dana's number.

Okay, I gotta go. Okay, bye -bye.

Excuse me, Mr. Bean.

I really thought I was gonna break up with you.

But I just wasn't sure.

Hey.

Wait till they get a load of me.

I knew I was making the right decision when you did the whole Batman thing.

But then you found the tape and I saw a whole new side of you.

I mean, the way you talked about music made me realize there was a depth to you

I just hadn't seen before.

This music is so great.

I mean, it's just powerful and sexy and passionate.

It's honest. It's raw. It's painful. It's humorous. It's just... When I

to it, I just... I feel it all through my body.

I can't tell you what this means to me.

I started thinking, I'm not going to dump this guy.

I'm going to fall for this guy.

And I did.

Keep... those lips away from me just about.

What's wrong?

You were going to dump me?

Well, you were going to dump me too, remember?

I was lying.

Hey, Tony, guess where I'm calling you from?

The car.

Yeah, I'm a new cellular phone.

Hey, listen, I'm not going to make band practice tonight. I got a date with

Cheryl.

I know, I know the band is on the brink of greatness, but Cheryl's a stone -cold

fox.

Yeah. Well, I just hope she's as into it as I am.

What?

Well, that's hysterical.

Yeah, I'll use it.

Wait till they get a load of me.

Yeah, yeah, that's gonna kill.

something up to make me feel bad? I wasn't trying to make you feel bad,

I was trying to make myself feel better.

Now we both feel bad. Are we even?

Well, technically, you lied about the tape and then you were going to dump me.

So you're ahead two to one.

You didn't stop doing that Batman thing for five years.

Trust me, we're even.

Why did he get a load of me?

That's funny.

What you reading?

Secret Life of Bees.

Oh, good.

Somebody's got to keep an eye on those bees.

Them and the dolphins.

They're always smiling like they know something.

Maybe they're communist spies, Jim.

Oh, Cheryl.

Cheryl.

Look.

Making up that story about dumping you was a rotten thing to do.

But I need some help here, Cheryl. I'm stuck. I can't get out of this. This

thing about Chad and this tape.

Jim.

That tape's not important now. What's important is you and me and the life we

built together.

I know, I know, but ever since we started dating, I always thought you

hot for me as I was for you. And I had a mixtape of love songs to prove it.

Now the proof is just a lie.

Oh, honey.

Is it really a lie?

Is it just... Two people trying to make a connection.

So, I told you I made you that tape.

I also told you I like sports.

And I told you I love cats.

And I also said that I wanted to get to know you better before we slept

together.

If I could go back in time and make that tape for you, I would.

You just can't change the past.

I know.

I know I'm being ridiculous.

It's been a long time.

We love each other and our marriage is perfect.

It really is. Except for that big mixtape with Jack!

You're not going to let this go, are you? I want to. If I could, I would,

But, you know, my mind won't let me let it go and my hands are tied.

Can't get in there.

God, Jim.

It was so long ago.

No, no, no.

It was. It was really a long time ago.

I mean, it was so long ago. I don't even know if we're remembering it right.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, you know what I think about it?

It really bugged me that you went on and on about that stupid tape.

And you didn't even notice the purple sweater I wore just for you.

What purple sweater?

The one I wore on our first date.

And you really, really liked it, so I wore it that night especially for you.

I don't remember any purple sweater.

Okay.

Okay. Do you remember staring at my boobs?

I didn't think you noticed.

Can you go back and picture them?

Oh, purple sweater!

Right!

And I wore it that night because... Because you were as hot for me as I was

you. Yeah.

So it wasn't about the tape at all.

Honey, the tape was just background music for the sweater.

Right.

The purple sweater.

Going away.

No one's ever gotten me before.

Thank you.

You wanna dance?

Well, aren't we going out?

I like the sweater story.

Well, it is the beginning of our fairytale life together.

That's a good sweater.

Yeah. Got me a husband, and it was incredibly warm.

You gotta get another one of those. Where did you get it?

Um... Oh.

Oh, my God, Chad. It's beautiful.

I love you, Cheryl.

You know, I'll never get tired of hearing that.

My mom gave it to me.

Remind me to thank her.

Yeah, don't bother.

No?