Original subtitles

How much longer, Daddy?

Soon, baby, soon.

Remember the rules?

No pushing or running.

That's right. And?

Daddy gets to go in first.

That's right.

Cannonball!

How much longer, Daddy?

Soon.

Come on!

Stop complaining.

good. You know it's going to be a great meal when Cheryl breaks out the backup

fork.

Who wants salad forks, Daddy?

Are you sure?

Because I used both forks and I didn't eat any salad.

Yeah, you also used your meat hand and your potato hand.

Okay, kids, do you want to help me and Aunt Danny clear the table?

Would you like to come help with the dinner?

Thank you.

Wow.

You are so thoughtful. I'm going to make sure you get the biggest piece of cake.

That's why I married you.

Can we speak to you for a minute?

In the living room.

Hey,

what did I do?

What the hell is wrong with you?

The first rule as a male guest in my house is never...

ever offer to do the dishes.

I'm just trying to be polite.

Oh, polite?

Wow,

Jim. We've been dining with Sir Walter Raleigh. Oh.

Sorry, you know, at home I like to help out with the dishes. That way I get to

spend a little more time with Dana.

Oh.

Okay, let's do a check.

Yeah, I got...

present and accounted for.

Look, it doesn't make me any less of a man to let Dana know that I love her,

right? In fact, check this out.

No price too high for my baby.

Huh?

Ow. I got it.

All right.

Dishes and jewelry?

Mm -hmm.

Someone's in the dog house.

What did you do? Run your car into a tree while you're watching a female

You do remember that I'm a gynecologist, right?

Look, I'm just being romantic.

I bought her a present for our anniversary.

Anniversary? You just got married.

In May.

You know how I remember that?

Because it rhymes with gay.

And that's how you look in your tuck so it's stuck in our heads.

Well, actually, today is the anniversary of our first date, so I got her the

locket. First date?

Come on, what are you going to celebrate next? Your first fight? The first time

you said I love you? The time you ran into a tree because you were looking at

female jogger?

I've never done that.

You know, when I'm in my hybrid, they don't even hear me coming up behind

Look, give me that.

Look, what's the big deal? The big deal is a big deal. It's a big deal. Yeah,

it's a big deal because you're making my man look bad.

All right, here, here.

It's kind of like you're the guy at the strip club with nothing but 20s. When

we're sitting around, all we got are singles.

Do you know what a gynecologist is?

I can't work with this one, Jim.

Look, marriage is like a marathon, okay? If you start out of the gate really

fast like that, you're going to die by mile 10.

You know what?

I think I know how to treat my wife.

This is not about you and your wife. This is about you and me.

You give her that locket, and you know what I get from Cheryl?

What? The look.

Andy, show them what the look is.

You see that?

Does that break your heart?

Now I got to get him a locket.

Too late.

Jim, I'm going to give Dana this lock, and she's going to love it. Almost as

much as she's going to love the champagne and yellow roses I've got

her at the house.

What?

Champagne and roses?

For what?

Yeah, 118 of them. That was the dinner tab on our first date.

God.

What were you eating, gold?

Something sweet for my sweetie.

And cake for Jim and Andy.

for you two.

I think, Andy, we are on the brink of an all -out romantic nuclear war.

Happy anniversary of our first date.

Oh, Ryan, that is so sweet.

We have a confirmed launch, sir.

Go try it on. Okay. You are the best.

You see her with the

locket? Did you see that face? I saw it. What do you think she's going to do

when she hears about the champagne and the roses?

Unless... Unless Dana never gets the champagne and flowers.

I see I've been a very good influence on you, asshopper.

Cooking without Mommy.

Why? Because it's dangerous?

Yeah, that too.

Go, go, go.

Oh, cookies, huh? Sweet.

You know what? We should take these out to the guys in the band.

No, Jim, they're awful.

Honey, they're my friends, and they deserve cookies too.

Fine. Oh, my God, this is terrible.

Still a cookie.

Hey, Jim.

You stole my flowers.

Do you have any proof?

You smell like roses.

It's my new lotion.

You made me look like an idiot. What are you talking about?

I promised Dana a room full of champagne and roses.

And lucky for you, she thought I was playing like the sexy make -believe

So she, like, you know, puts on this invisible lingerie thing. So then when I

came in, she was... Yes.

Please, more detail about the twisted crap my sister's into.

Just so you know, what happens next, you brought it all on yourself.

Did you just throw down a gauntlet?

Gauntlet? Wrong.

Okay, Mr.

Gay Wedding Tux.

What do you got?

Like I'd be stupid enough to tell you.

Must not be very good.

The information.

I have the first spoon that Dana used to eat cereal at my place. And I had the

date engraved on the handle.

And just so you know, P. Diddy wore the exact same tux at the Image Awards.

So, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, bam!

It's not our fault. My new brother -in -law is making me look bad.

The young, handsome doctor?

That's impossible.

He's showering Dana with presents and jewelry and junk.

That's why I like ugly chicks. They're just happier there.

Well, I have a romantic ace in the hole right here.

A romantic cassette?

What is that, soundtrack to Footloose?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jim.

Is that the tape?

The mixtape.

That Cheryl made for me on our third date.

Blues for my baby.

Oh, Etta James, John Lee Hooker, Coco Taylor?

Uh -huh. This is awesome.

Yeah. When she made this for me, I knew two things. One, that she was very cool.

And two, that she was really into me.

And over the years, this tape became the soundtrack for our fairytale lives.

are over.

And life is like a song.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

At last.

The stars above the moon.

Yeah.

Something else.

So I'm going to pop this baby into the cassette tonight, and I'm going to show

Ryan what true romance is.

I thought that tape burned up in the fire you set as an alibi when you forgot

Cheryl's birthday.

So does Cheryl.

But I hid it, knowing one day I could use this to maybe save my life.

I keep a bottle of gin in the tank of my toilet.

Same reason.

All right, guys, let's go. One, two, three, four.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sure, sure.

middle of reading one of my favorite Yeats poems.

Let me get that for you.

My dear.

Oh, I almost forgot something.

Who you are?

No, I have a surprise in my pocket.

Oh, Jim, I hate that game. No, no.

Here.

Remember this?

Oh, my God.

Jim, is that our mixtape? Yeah.

I thought this got destroyed in that freak lightning strike on my birthday.

So did I.

Oh, this is amazing.

Oh.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Yes. Come on, let's hear it.

Oh, honey, that's just CD. We don't have a tape deck.

We have a tape deck anywhere in the house?

No. Oh, Kyle ruined the last one trying to listen to a grilled cheese sandwich.

Damn, I really wanted to hear this.

Oh, but you know what, honey? Look at it this way.

Our love has outlasted technology.

Well,

I hope progress hasn't changed the way you say thank you.

We've got one minute.

Yes.

Tis I, Cupid, the God of love.

Tape worked.

It was good enough. Come on, I'll use you another time.

You say that every time I put this on. Come on.

Come on.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow.

Beautiful flowers with the occasion.

No occasion.

That's what makes it so unbelievably sweet.

Oh. Last night, Jim surprised me with a whole romantic evening.

Flowers, champagne, and not the kind that gets free with an oil change.

Oh.

Flowers and champagne. That's interesting.

And he gave me the mixtape we used to listen to when we were falling in love.

I was so touched.

Back to the roses.

Ballpark figure.

How many were there?

Oh, gosh. I don't know. It's not like I counted.

Cheryl. 118.

Interesting. I know.

And it's so unlike Jim.

I know. It's a lot more like Ryan. I know.

Ryan told me that he filled our house with 118 yellow roses and champagne, but

when we got home, there was nothing there.

Interesting. I know.

Is it possible that Jim stole Ryan's idea?

Jim stole...

Can you smell this shirt? I can't tell if it's clean. My nose is really stuffy.

You are a liar.

Seriously, look in there. It looks like a collapsed mine shaft.

Look, look, look. Tim, you stole those flowers.

Do you have proof?

I don't need proof.

No, because that was my out. You don't have any proof.

to evening and now I look like an idiot.

Come on, you don't look like an idiot.

Hey, explain to me what you stole from Ryan and Dana.

I can't explain it to you, honey. You've never gotten the look.

The look? The look.

Some other husband is doing a better job than you look.

Like this.

I look like Robert De Niro? No.

Andy does it much better.

Really, it's terrible. You do this look and you may not think... I think you do

this look, but you do this look.

And I can't stand it. It makes me feel terrible.

And with Ryan going over the top with his romance crap, I'm going to get the

look all the time.

Ryan is setting the romantic bar too high for me.

Oh.

Oh.

What?

What? Come on. What's the oh? I hate the oh as much as I hate the look.

Plus, it wasn't about me. It was about you. No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. Cheryl.

I was reading poetry that didn't rhyme. It wasn't about me.

It was. It was to make you look romantic. It wasn't from your heart. It

to make me feel special. It was all so you could even the score with Ryan.

Oh.

Yeah. Oh.

Here's a new look.

This is the look that says, I will never expect anything sincere or romantic

from you ever again.

I still don't know if the shirt is clean.

Want to know where I've been?

I don't know.

Stealing Ryan's car.

I haven't stolen a car in 30... I don't steal cars!

I had it made into a CD.

And I didn't do it for Ryan or me or anybody else.

I did it for you.

Now we've had some wonderful memories of this tape.

You want to create another one?

You know the one where the most beautiful woman in the world?

Dancers with the luckiest man on the planet.

Buy this outfit. The rental's killing me.

Sounds great.

You know, when they put it down on CD, they just boosted all the levels. It

sounds really cool.

I think I just got a little boost myself.

I'll break it up. You two people eat in here.

you to brag to your sister how romantic your husband is.

I'll see you upstairs at the CD in bed.

Wink, wink, nudge, boing.

Gag me with a spoon.

Oh, look. Ryan gave me one.

He engraved the spoon I used to eat cereal at his house for the first time.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Dear Dana,

You're great.

I mean, I get it. Jeez, Ryan, you freaking love me, but enough.

You know, this stuff may seem silly now, but in 15 years, it's going to be a

great memory.

Like this mixtape you can hear?

That's the one I told you about. Jim had it put on CD for me.

That is kind of sweet.

I know.

It sounds so clear.

Turn it up.

Is that Jim?

He sounds so young and somehow cuter.

That's not Jim.

That's my ex -boyfriend, Chad.

Why is Chad on a mixtape you made for Jim?

Because I didn't make it for Jim.

Chad made it for me.

Can I tell Jim?