All language subtitles for According to Jim s05e01 Foul Ball

Thank you.

I've gotten Jim into his church pants
for the last five years.

All right, baby, go put that by the door
so it's ready for your first day of

school tomorrow.

It's too heavy.

All right, here we go. Ready?

would never shut up about it?

Sorry, Gracie, I can't hear you over the
soundtrack to My Perfect Life.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl!

What? Great news.

One of my clients got caught cheating on
his wife.

Long story short, he's meeting with his
divorce lawyer tomorrow, and I get his

tickets to the Cubs game.

Oh, no.

Yeah. God, do they have any kids?

It's the best part. They...

So there's three tickets.

So Andy and I are going to take Kyle to
his first baseball game, his first Cubs

game ever tomorrow.

Well, tomorrow, no, no, Jim.

Tomorrow's Kyle's first day of
kindergarten.

Oh, come on. What's he going to learn?
How to take a nap?

I've been homeschooling him in that
since birth.

No, no.

The first day of school is when they
learn what's expected of them and

pairs off with their new little friend.

It's not more important than a father
and son going to their first ball game

together, their first Cubs game.

Well, luckily this is an education
issue, which makes it my territory.

No, no, no, no, no. This is a Cubs
issue, a sports issue. And according to

wedding vows and the Geneva Convention,
that is my territory, young lady.

Honey, why don't you just take them on a
Saturday when there's even half school?

Sure, these are free tickets. They are
front row tickets right there by the

dugout. 20 years from now, Kyle's going
to be able to tell his friends he was so

close to the dugout he could take Dusty
Baker's toothpick right out of his

mouth.

Yeah, and I'm sure all the other school
-skipping fry cooks will be duly

impressed.

Cheryl, I believe fry cooks are a very
important part of the shining city on

hill that I like to call America.

Now, Kyle is going to that game
tomorrow, and that...

It's final.

Vito.

I see.

The Vito?

Yeah, that's right, Vito.

Kyle's going to school tomorrow.

You don't have a veto.

It's my turn.

No, no, Jim.

Last Thursday, I said Kyle could not pee
in the Chuck E. Cheese parking lot.

You said veto. Now we can't go there
anymore.

And the veto reverts to me. Challenge
denied.

Curses!

Yeah. I'll drop him off at 8. You pick
him up.

Appeal! Ta -da!

you heard on the news.

Insurgent!

Oh, look at you.

Your first day of kindergarten.

Are you sure you don't want me to walk
you in? Nope, I'm a big boy now.

Yes, you are.

No tears.

Otherwise she'll walk in and we'll miss
the first inning.

Pudding?

No.

Then we'd be two guys in the bushes
eating pudding.

Okay.

Have a good day.

I love you.

Wave goodbye.

That's it.

Let her know everything's fine.

No, no, no, no, no.

We almost had a disaster.

Almost?

Ants are crawling all through my
pudding.

Still pudding.

Hats.

Oh, good morning, Jim. How are you?

I'm okay, Miss Crawford.

I'm sorry. Was that Miss Crawford or
Mrs. Crawford?

Admit, I'm not married.

Well, then maybe you could teach me the
three R's. Reading, writing, and car.

Mr. Crawford, there's been a family
emergency, and I'm going to have to take

Kyle out of school.

His aunt is very sick.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Should I have someone
pull Ruby and Gracie out of their

classes as well?

That's right.

You know them.

Not a good idea? No.

No, they were the ones that accidentally
dropped the hair dryer in the tub.

That's a very dark day in our family.

Okay, Cal, come on, shake a leg!

with my son in his first Cubs game,
first baseball game ever.

Boy, can this day get any better?

I'm going to be a baseball player when I
grow up.

It just got better.

That's it.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Kyle,

Kyle, what happened? What happened?

Let me see. Let me see.

Hold on. Hold on. Are you all right?

Here's a nice ice -cold beer. It'll make
your eye feel much better.

No, don't drink it.

Put it up against your eye.

Now what am I going to do?

We're going to get this baby
autographed.

And you said this day couldn't get any
better.

Losers!

All right, come here. Come here, my boy.
Let's see if that ice helped.

Yeah, good luck with that, Jim. Stay
right here.

Everything's going to be fine.

Look, all we got to do is walk in there
and do exactly what we talked about. All

right? Okay.

My son's first Cubs game and his first
scheme with his dad.

Oh, boy. They get old fast.

Before you know it, he'll be hitting a
parked car and not leaving a note.

Why don't you take Kyle in the kitchen
and get something colder for his eye?

Like a beer?

A beer?

Cheryl, what are they teaching at that
school, huh?

Do not take me down with you, I swear to
God.

Mommy will be right in, my brave, sweet
little mint. I want blood.

Who did that?

The boy.

and his mother right now. You know, her
husband owns a car dealership. They

think they poop sunshine.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, I
already talked to the mother. And may I

you, playground battles are my
territory.

I don't care.

I really feel like... Veto!

Can't veto me.

Yes, I can.

Veto.

Cheryl, if you keep stepping in like
this, The kids are going to call him a

mama's boy, and it's going to follow him
the rest of his life.

Ask Andy.

But his little eye.

My veto has spoken.

What's for dinner?

Veggie tacos.

Is that the truth, or are you just
saying that because you want me to

veto?

Curses!

Okay, buddy, you know what to say if
anybody asks you about your black eye?

You should see the other guy.

That's my boy.

Hi. Good morning.

Turn, girl, it is now.

There are ants all over the place.

What kind of weird kid eats his pudding
in the bushes?

Shh.

That Ronnie Hart better stay away from
my Kyle.

Oh, you know what? When he got the news
that his aunt was going to pull through,

he got all worked up and just ran into a
wall.

Yeah, we got a couple of those.

Hey, Teach, I'm having trouble with the
alphabet. I keep trying to put you and I

together.

Hey, hey, Tim's leaving.

Oh, Kyle's talking to that demon spawn,
Ronnie.

Is that a black eye?

You should see the other guy.

Can I look?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Get your hands off my kid buster!

Cool. Want to be best friends?

Hey!

talking about? Oh, she's stonewalling
you, Cheryl. Oh, is that her?

You stonewalling me, lady? You
stonewalling me?

What is going on here?

Who is this?

I'm Kyle's aunt.

Oh, how are you feeling?

I'm fine, thanks. How are you? Excuse
me!

Why are we not talking about how your
son attacked Kyle?

What? Your husband beat Kyle up right
after drop -off to visit you in the

hospital.

take you to a baseball game yesterday?

Is that where you got the black eye?

You should see the other guy.

Hello, my young bride.

You know what, honey?

I've been thinking.

You are right.

I think I'll take Kyle to the Cubs game
Saturday when it's appropriate.

Good, honey.

And maybe another foul ball can hit his
other eye.

versus

Yeah,

but that somebody also told you that the
bully problem was handled.

There was no bully problem!

Doesn't matter.

I gave you a veto, and you completely
ignored it.

I am beside myself.

I specifically told you not to talk to
the bully's mom or the teacher.

up somebody and you killed him, it would
still be murder.

And that's not me, Cheryl. That's the
law talking.

Yeah, well, it sounds like the beer
talking.

Oh, what? I can't unwind with a quick
one after work anymore?

You let our son skip his first day of
school.

You are going to make our son into a
mama's boy. No, I...

I'm leaving.

Challenge!

Grounds?

You stormed out of the room last time.
It's my turn.

Challenge upheld.

You want to make me a snack?

Kyle?

Hey, Dad.

Want some eggs?

But you're a finger in my imagination.

Are those eggs real?

Ten bucks says you'll eat them either
way.

You win again, imagination.

Wow, these really look good.

Oh, my God, your mom was right.

You are a fry cook.

No, I just wanted to make my dear old
dad some eggs for getting me front row

seats for my first Cubs game.

I knew it.

Baseball is the greatest. And, you know,
I'm pretty good at it, too.

Really? Are you in the bigs?

Hey, are you going to buy me a new
house? Do I have a boat?

Nah, I got cut from my high school team
for skipping practice.

Well, Kyle, what do you skip practice
for?

Because I thought I could get away with
it.

You know, I'm good at baseball, but I'm
even better at schemes.

Probably get that from me, huh?

I love this movie.

Kyle?

Yeah, it's me.

You know, I did a term in Portugal
studying for my PhD.

That's because education was my
territory?

And now you have a PhD.

Oh, no, I don't. I wrote my thesis, but
you weren't there to defend it for me.

That shouldn't have stopped you.

That's what my advisor said.

Is it over?

I really screwed you up, didn't I?

I really screwed you up, didn't I?

You're really fun.

And you taught me about being a guy.

Well, thank you.

But, you know, let's face it. If all I
had was you, I'd be a complete disaster.

Fair enough.

Well, see, most of the time you teach me
about responsibility, and you give me

comfort and security to try new things.

Thank you.

But you've got to learn how to let go
sometimes.

You know, I really think you and Dad
should work together.

You balance each other, like the Chinese
principle of yin and yang.

Right.

You're like peanut butter and jelly.

One more time.

Why don't you just go in the living room
and talk to Mom? I'm not going to do

that, Kyle.

Come on, Dad.

For me.

You going to get these?

Oh, someone will.

That's my boy.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, Cheryl, we need to talk. I know, we
do.

I was wrong.

Oh.

Well.

Apology accepted.

Please, come on.

Let's just go to bed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, maybe I might have...

a little less than right to.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

You know, Kyle told me you gave him a
beer.

I didn't do it on purpose. But you know
what? You give them a sip now, they hate

it, and when they grow up, they don't
want any. That's what my dad did for me.

All right, working together is probably
a good idea.