Original subtitles

Good night, you guys. See you at work.

Gwen, thanks so much for coming.

Don't forget your goodie bag.

Bet you never got a goodie bag at a bachelorette party, huh?

Not with homemade salad dressing.

You know, if you want the recipe. Yeah. Good night.

Good night.

That was some party, huh? Great. Yeah. Thank you for throwing it for me. Oh,

honey. Hey, what was your favorite part?

We needed tea cozies. Yeah.

We painted pottery.

Right. We sat on balloons and made them pop.

Don't make me choose.

Oh, I am beat.

Oh, I know. It's been a long night. God, it's already 9 .15?

Oh, 9 .15?

Man, I better clean up in the morning.

We're meeting with the caterer tomorrow, and we have the final fitting for your

dress. Oh, you're going to be such a beautiful bride.

Oh, good night.

Good night. I hope I can sleep.

God, I'm so wired from the party.

It's hard to come down off that knitting high, huh?

Yeah. I know.

Love you. Love you.

Hate this.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. No naked pillow fights? No, no jello wrestling?

No let's kiss just to see if we like it?

Damn!

You mean I taped over Gracie's dance recital for nothing?

Wow. Lame party.

Yeah, well, when you start with a lesson from the origami lady, you burn out

quick.

You know, unless you're six or sixty, Cheryl's parties suck.

Even in fast forward, this party is slow.

I have this little paper bird to remind me of this night.

It doesn't even fly. What the hell?

Dina, Dina, wait a second. Wait a second.

Hey, you looking for a little fun?

Because I happen to know a gentleman who has a master's degree in funology.

He studied at the Royal Academy of Fun, did he not? Yeah, she was in charge of

fundraising.

Yes, yes, yes.

And there's a jolly old sidekick who goes by the name of Fundy. Yeah.

Hey, I get it. It's you two and you're both fun. Exactly. And Mr.

Fundy and myself would like to take you out and give you a proper send -off.

I'm going to go out for my bachelorette party with you two?

No, thanks.

Fine. Fine. Go home and pout.

Or you can come out with us and have a night you won't remember the rest of

life.

Booze? Lots.

Music? Loud.

Strippers? Oh, yeah.

She means male strippers.

How?

What the heck? All right!

Come on, Rudy! We're going to need a chauffeur for the evening. Andy, call us

cab. You're a cab.

Trust me, in three hours, that's going to sound real funny.

Come on, let's go!

Get the cab.

Oh.

Quiet.

I can't believe you did that. I know.

I know. I can't believe it myself.

What exactly did I do?

No idea.

But it sure was funny.

It was.

It really was.

I'm hungry. I want eggs. Yes.

Eggs and breakfast.

You're going to wake up breakfast.

He said wake up breakfast.

I see.

All right.

Eggs it is.

And pancakes.

Yes. Hey, let's have a buck and a hash brown.

And we'll smother it with spaghetti.

Hot spaghetti.

What is going on down here?

Honey,

Dandy and I, we woke up early, and we're going to make some breakfast.

Agent style.

Down in the bayou.

Shut up. You are so drunk.

It's five in the morning. What were you doing?

Drinking.

And wrestling gators on Bourbon Street. Down in the bayou.

Where were you guys all night?

It's a little fuzzy. Okay.

But I know we were definitely not here.

We were in a cab.

I know that. I have the receipt.

What other receipts do you have?

Let's see.

Oh, we were at Antler's. Uh -uh.

Ooh, I managed to get a number.

Ooh!

Any chance Gus is a girl?

watching a Karate Kid marathon.

Said you were out getting blasto?

Excuse me, Sherry.

It's blotto.

And we were in total control.

You call that in control?

Hey, at least we didn't fall off the bar.

Let me tell you, a lot of people had fun.

You should have seen how much Dana made.

She was having a bachelorette party.

I gave her a bachelorette party.

You gave her a tea party.

We actually gave her a party where there was fun. You mean Cajun -style fun.

Down in the bayou.

My party was fun. We made s'mores.

Sherry, you're going to wake up Cheryl.

make sure she made it home okay.

You did take her home, right? You got her home?

I don't

think I have a receipt for that.

Oh, my God!

You lost my sister!

Hey!

She's my sister, too.

she is. Don't you dare say it.

Got to. She down on the body.

Don't

worry,

Carol.

We'll find Dana.

Absolutely. We got a paper trail right there.

Yep. We just go through these retrace and we'll reseat our steps.

at the zoo.

She's in a cave with a chimp?

No. She must have just dropped her cell phone there. That's it.

What were you doing at the zoo?

I think I had a hankering for some peanuts.

What about Dina?

Oh, she was laughing. She had a ball sliding on a penguin slide.

No. Where is she?

Okay. Well, according to this time,

was before the male strip club.

And Dana was definitely with us there.

Oh, yeah.

That's where I made my classic toast.

Oh, crap.

That guy's junk can't be real.

I gotta make a toast.

I'm not gay, but I'll drink to that.

For Dana.

is like a prison.

You got to check in with the warden, you're on permanent laundry duty, and

can only have sex with one person for the rest of your life.

Actually, Jim, I'm not sure that's technically true of prison.

You will now be one of the many mothers in Carpool sitting home quietly

and drinking and wondering, where did it all go wrong?

So say goodbye to briefcases and Armani, and say hello to apron strings and

babies.

Hey, I like kids.

Well, you better, because I'll put your body through hell.

So here's to Dana, who once was alive and free, and now who's trapped and

practically dead.

Must be hell on you.

Yeah.

It's just drunk talk, Cheryl.

That's what guys do at bachelor parties.

Guys, not girls.

We talk about shoes and dresses and seating arrangements, not silly things

what the rest of our lives are going to be like.

No, we focus on the big day.

Well, you should focus on the day after.

That's what guys do. Yeah, because it's a test.

If they can take it, then they're ready to get married.

If not...

break time.

Yeah, I think. Was there any point at which she wasn't laughing and having a

great time?

She got a little quiet at that bar with all the trains.

That was a train station.

Dana's on the 5 a .m. to Milwa Uki.

That's right.

She said she was so moved by my speech, she wanted to go up and see Ryan so she

could fall off the bedding with him.

What?

No, Jim. Fall off the bedding. You know that. Crawl off to Redding.

That makes sense.

Jim, Jim, I think we got ourselves a runner.

Okay, relax.

It's 5 .35. If we hurry, we can stop her from making the stupidest mistake of

her life.

Wait, second stupidest. The stupidest was letting you two jackasses throw a

bachelorette party.

Shut up!

Hold it!

Where's the parmesan?

And while the risk of ectopic pregnancy is rare, our double -blind study

indicates that there is a correlation... All right, listen up!

There's a lot.

Gibson. He left early. He said he missed his fiancée.

Oh.

While I have your attention, those instruments

are cold.

I did find a room full of gynecologists.

Tough crowd.

Maybe I should have had my legs up in the air.

Bobo, I am roaming. Stop calling.

Where's Ryan?

He left the conference early.

Apparently, he met his fiancée. Oh, I'm such an idiot.

Oh, Dana, you are an idiot. Yeah.

for misunderstanding what I was trying to say last night.

All right, look, you're right.

I might have skewed it a tad on the dark side.

You mean when you compared marriage to prison and hell?

Yeah, that's it.

But the fact is, Ryan is a great guy.

And I was just trying to make sure that you were ready to take this big step.

And look, I would do it for any guy I cared for.

And I did it for you because I...

care for you too a lot i appreciate that i'm just so

mixed up sure sure you're having a lot of feelings right now yeah you're having

a lot of emotions cheryl tag me out yeah

It's stupid to let Jim get to me.

He said things were going to change, and I actually believed him.

Yeah, about that changing thing.

It's kind of true.

They are going to change?

Yeah. Marriage is like prison?

No, marriage is not like prison.

No, you know, actually, in a lot of ways, it's worse.

because I didn't before, and maybe I should have.

We're spending all this time talking about the wedding, but we didn't talk

what happens when you go from being a single girl to a married woman.

It's a big change, and sometimes it really is hard as hell.

So Jim's right.

Oh, no, he's out of his mind.

What guys do that's good is they give each other an out.

I've been working so hard on your wedding because I really want it to be a

day for you. But if for any reason you need an out, I am behind you all the

I am. I know. No, I don't need an out.

What?

I'm finally Dana.

You know, and it took me a long time to get here.

And I don't want to just turn into somebody's wife or somebody's mother.

Me. Well, honey, I mean, just because you're married, you don't lose the me.

It's just that the me becomes a part of us.

And sometimes us

is really going to get on your nerves.

So why does anybody do this?

Oh, because, honey, if you find the right guy and have a good, loving

relationship, then...

You get a chance to be more you than you ever dreamed possible.

Wow.

That's good. I'm going to use that in my vows.

Wait. Got to come up with another toast.

Come on, let's get out of here. Yeah, I better go wait, Jim.

Did you still have that train ticket?

Yeah.

Let Amtrak deal with him.