Original subtitles

Can I bite, Daddy?

No, thanks, honey.

If Daddy's going to compete for the Chicago Hot Dog Eating Championship,

got to be hungry.

Crazy hungry.

Jim, just eat something.

Last year, you passed out on the way to the contest.

I took a short nap.

You were driving.

Well, if you don't use those airbags, it's a waste.

I smell donuts.

Hey.

That's incredible.

Well, when you starve yourself for two days, your senses get heightened.

You know, I'm like Ray Charles, but with smelling.

Cheryl, Dana, Offspring.

Um, Mr. Second Place, is it?

Excuse me. You expect to eat more hot dogs than me when you fill your belly

of donuts?

It's my strategy.

I'm stretching my stomach.

Now, when did you start that strategy? When you were 12?

Yes, indeed. About the same time you started losing your hair.

Well, at least I have someone to share my life with. I think your longest

relationship was with Mrs.

Butterworth.

Who am I to think you're still seeing?

All right, would you guys just stop it?

Kids, go put your shoes on. We're going to leave in a minute.

So, you're going bald.

You're sleeping with syrup, and go.

Please stop the garbage talk.

It's not called garbage talk. It's called trash talk.

It's part of competition, but you wouldn't understand that because you're

woman. Just like Andy. Advantage Jim!

Okay, because I'm a woman?

This never gets old.

Women aren't natural competitors like men. That's a fact, baby.

Yay. Jim's first crackpot theory of the day. Yay!

See, you know I'm right, too.

Hold on.

A neighbor is cooking bacon.

And muffins.

Blueberry muffins. No, walnut.

And the woman baking?

Oh, baby.

Contestant, take your seat.

Welcome to the State Street Mall and Demon Dog's annual hot dog eating

Remember,

the winner will become the spokesperson for Demon Dogs in a local television

commercial.

My own commercial.

Who says a demon can't go to heaven?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Okay, 12 minutes stand between you and glittering local fame.

Contestants, raise your dogs.

You are going down. Please. The only thing going down is my life expectancy.

Ready, set.

Yeah.

R .G. Anderson's married to a state assemblyman.

And the winner is... Oh, oh, oh, let me direct that commercial because I have a

vision for it.

Yoki Hirosaki!

I mean, that's impossible!

No, she's like a tiny Asian meat grinder. I wonder if she has room for a

of handy pie.

Jim, honey, I'm befuddled.

You're a man, and yet you just got beat by someone who isn't a man, which

technically makes her a woman.

Dana, that's impossible.

Everybody knows women can't compete. Hence, my befuddlement.

Well, let me unbefuddle you, okay? It was fixed!

They rigged the contest because they want a skinny woman to promote a better

image. A better image than us?

Doubtful. Excuse me, sir. Can I get a to -go box for the ones I licked but

didn't eat?

What?

Yes, my young boy, what?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Want to watch?

Uh, no thank you, honey. I caught your morning show.

When we're watching the Cubs game, it's going to be like we're in Wrigley Field.

Check it out.

Crap! Well, I'll wait till Andy gets here.

You know, he's good with his nerdy stuff.

Yeah, Jim, you're way too cool to do this right.

Hey, guys, you remember Yoki?

Nice to see you, Yogi.

Yoki.

Oh, I'm sorry. My boo -boo.

Yeah, um... Yoki and I struck up a conversation after the contest, and now

doing it.

You know, dating.

And doing it.

Well, I'm telling you, you two are the cutest couple.

I bet you're hell on a buffet.

It's a pleasure, but Andy and I are going to be watching a game.

Oh, actually, Jim, I'm going to head over to Yoki's and watch it there.

Yoki, you got a big screen TV?

50 inches.

60!

And I'm putting in surround sound. I'm putting it in right now.

Jim, I'm not going over there for the home theater experience.

You're going to love surround sound. It makes all the difference.

Would you like some help hooking it up?

Yeah, Yoki's great at this kind of stuff, but she defragged my hard drive.

And then she fixed my computer.

Know what I'm saying?

How could they not know what you're saying?

It'll only take me a second. I know this unit.

No, it's all right. My son's here. He can help me. He's kind of an electronic

genius, but thanks.

Can somebody...

The speaker leads reversed.

What?

Wow, it's like we're at the movie.

Yoki, hey, it's your demon dog commercial.

Who says a demon can't go to heaven?

Can you blame me? I had her in a devil suit surrounded by hot dogs. I felt like

F.

not that good.

It's not like I have a lot of time to rehearse. I'm pretty busy between my

liquor store and my pizza place.

Welcome to the band.

I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, hey, honey.

Hey, so we done here?

We got another hour left of rehearsal.

Fine, yeah, okay. Here, Yoki, have a seat.

Wait, wait, wait.

Normally these are closed rehearsals.

No one's ever wanted to come, Jim.

Five, two, three, four.

Andy,

listen, I know we sound better when you're not playing, but what the hell?

Well, it's just that we were thinking. We?

Yoki and I.

Yeah, the song's in G, but you're playing the A harp.

Since when does your little friend there know so much about blues harmonica?

Well, I play a little bit.

You do?

Well, I'd love to hear that.

Maybe I should just... No, no, no, no, I'd really love to hear it. Come on, I

insist, I insist.

Come on, take a shot at it. Come on, baby.

Blow, blow, blow.

All right.

In E this time. In E.

Let's kick this thing.

Yoki, can you give us a minute?

Hey, Yoki.

Yoki, if you ever want to start a band, here's my card.

Out! Out, everybody!

Jim, what the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you be nice to her? I don't

to be nice to her. Why?

Because she beat you?

The only reason she beat me is because she's on steroids.

You get her to pee in a cup and I'll prove it to you.

That is ridiculous.

She's the enemy.

What? It's like if I was dating Osama Bin Laden.

You hate him?

I'd be fine with it. We'd get 25 mil for turning him in.

You would turn in my boyfriend?

What if I loved him?

Are you listening to yourself? I'm listening to him myself.

Jim, I'm dating again, and I'm ecstatic. I thought you more than anyone would be

happy for me.

I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her. And I don't like that

messes up our rehearsals.

Really? Yes. Oh, well, great.

Because we're a box set.

Oh, yeah?

If you don't need her, then you obviously don't need me. Hey!

Hey, I got a friend who owns a liquor store and a pizza joint. I don't need

anybody.

Your brother's a big, dumb jerk with a tiny, dumb...

Kyle, when he's throwing a tantrum.

I am not five years old.

You have a red one?

Oh, you know what he brings? He ate the last red one.

Purple? No.

Yellow? Sorry.

What else do you have?

Organic orange mango?

Forget it!

Forget it!

He'll have a box full in his house and beets smelling the whole house up.

I'll take this one.

Honey, do you want to talk about your problem with Andy?

I'm not having a problem with Andy.

It's like Yoki.

Okay, but since Andy's been seeing Yoki, he's been around a lot less.

Yeah.

I'm just saying that deep down, you and Andy... No, no, no. This is what you

guys do. This is what you women do. This is what you like to do.

You like to dig deep down.

And I could go underneath the surface.

But anybody that knows me knows that there's nothing there.

So quit drilling.

I hate Yoki.

I hate beets. And I hate this popsicle.

Is there some log in sugar?

I just wish you told me sooner.

You don't know about the beets. No.

I invited Andy and Yoki to dinner tomorrow night.

You invite mine enemy to dinner?

Cheryl, that is ridiculous.

That's like, that's like if I... What if I was dating Osama bin Laden and I

brought him home for dinner?

How would you feel about that?

I don't know, honey. Is it serious?

I wouldn't bring him home if it was just a fling, Cheryl.

Okay, Jim.

If this is really about Yoki, I bet you can beat her at being the bigger person.

Huh?

I bet my big, strong, handsome husband can win at that.

Huh?

Well, I guess if I can force down this frozen disaster, I

can probably be the bigger man. No, thank you, honey.

No riddle. What a rip.

Hey, Jim.

Bigger man, bigger man.

Glad you made it.

Oh, thanks so much for having us over.

That is really big of you.

Hey, I'm a big man.

You know what I was thinking?

How about tomorrow we go out to lunch?

Yeah, we go to the park, knock back a few beers, fall asleep in the sun.

It's been a long time since we've had a hobo lunch.

You know what, though? Yoki and Scotty Pippin have a publicity thing at the hot

dog place. I should really be there for that.

Yeah, hey.

Great. It sounds like a lot of fun.

I'm sure there's plenty of guys in the park I can drink with.

Hey, uh, there she is.

Honey, your steak's almost done.

It's thick and hot, just the way you like it.

All we've done is hold hands.

That one's starting to burn.

It's called searing.

Hey,

uh, Yoko, listen.

Yoki. Yoki.

I want to congratulate you on your victory.

Thank you. Yeah, and I'm really sorry that it was marred with such

What controversy?

I won that fair and square.

Oh, yeah.

Grand jury's going to get a good laugh on that one.

Look, Jim, if you have a problem with me, why don't you just say it? I don't

have a problem with you.

I'm really happy that Annie's got a girl who's got, you know, a gift for

freakish eating.

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Of course it is.

I'm a big man.

With a little tiny stomach.

That shows you it was a fluke the other day.

Wow, I heard that from all the way inside.

Biscuits?

Two. Three.

The bedpan.

Hey.

Hey, come in.

Oh, it's you.

It's weird seeing you in here when it's not St. Patrick's Day.

I'm not cuffed to the bed either.

Hey, Yoki wanted me to tell you that she's really hoping you're doing okay.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. She's a nice girl, Jim.

She's okay, I guess.

Well, if she's okay, man, then what's the problem?

There's no problem with that. No, no, no. Something is going on.

You went crazy today.

They found a spoon in your x -ray.

There's nothing going on. I told you. Will you knock it off?

Seems they pumped everything out of you, including the guts to tell the truth.

You know what? Now you're starting to sound like Sheertle. All right, stop

digging. There's nothing there. I'm all shell.

Okay. Well, I was doing some thinking.

Actually, it was Yoki who pointed it out.

And, uh, it seems that I've been spending too much time away from my

that's why you're acting this way.

Andy, you couldn't be more wrong if you took the wrong train from Wrongville and

had a three -wrong omelet.

What's in this IV?

thinks me hit the nerve.

You miss me. I don't miss you. I don't miss you, man. Don't miss men.

It's just not the way it works, Andy.

I mean, you know, I like hanging out with you. That's all. Hanging out,

a ball game or grilling steaks or, you know, putting in surround sound or going

to the park. Oh, The Great Escape is on tomorrow afternoon.

Actually, Yoki and I... Just forget it!

Yoki and I were talking, and she agreed that I should spend more time with my

best friend.

So, I can make the movie.

Cool.

Cool.

Hey, check this out, man. It's the coolest bit I've ever seen.

Look at that. It's got electric buttons, man.

Hot dog.

Look, the front goes down, the back goes down. I'll scoot over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check out this button right here.

Yeah, we should get one of these for the office.

I saw some wheelchairs out there. Jim!

What would Osama...