All language subtitles for According to Jim s04e17 The Mustache

Oh, come on, Andy, man. You gotta earn
the burn, baby.

Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, what are
you doing?

Oh,

just pumping some iron.

I want to look good for Alicia when she
makes her deliveries.

The other day, she said if I worked out,
I'd look hotter.

You know what would make you look
hotter?

Some pink ling warmers to go with those
pink dumbbells.

I stole them from Dana. Nine years ago,
she borrowed my favorite pie tin and

never returned it.

Vengeance, thy name is Dumbbell.

Come on, son of a gun. Where's Alicia?
She's usually here by now.

You know she's got a boyfriend, right?

Yes, I'm aware of that.

But when an A -plus chick compliments
you, Jim, it gives you the confidence to

hit on the C -minuses.

Hell, with these guns, I may even go for
a solid C.

Every doctor you've been to has begged
you to exercise and you want a second

opinion.

But some cute blonde in brown pants
says... Oh, please, come on. You suck in

your gut when she comes by.

You know what that's called?

Breathing.

One uses their entire diaphragm for
optimal health.

Are you saying that a hot chick has no
effect on you at all? I have a hot chick

at home. Her name is my wife.

That's all I need.

And like they say, you know what? Why go
out for hamburger when you get the cow

for free?

Oh, God, she's here.

What are you doing?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Alicia.

I didn't know you were coming today.

All right, working out and looking good.

Well, it's not about look.

It's about being healthy.

attitude.

I love the smiley face you put over the
eye in gym.

Oh, well, you know, if you can't put a
smile on someone's face every day,

the point of getting out of bed?

Only everyone thought that way.

There'd be no wars, I'll tell you that.

That is so true.

Oh, anyway, I got another package
outside, but it's pretty big. Ah, yeah,

get it, me.

What is it, like 60, 70 pounds?

Because that's how much I'm curling
these days.

Oh, good.

You, you keep looking good. Me and the
twins, we'll be right back.

Hey, someone bought a new shirt.

See, I told you that's your color.

You did?

You know, I don't recall that.

It so brings out your eyes. Well, that's
good, because you know what? I keep my

eyes open most of the day, and at night
I, uh...

I close now.

You know what else would look awesome on
you?

What's that? A mustache.

Come on, get out of here.

Seriously.

Mustaches are back. I know because I
have a friend who goes to Rhode Island

School of Design.

A mustache?

I don't know.

Oh, come on. Would those look cheap on?

Well, I have been looking for a way to
accent them.

Well, it's time to get back to work.

I guess I'd better be heading to my
desk.

All right, Alicia, bye -bye.

Andy, Andy, you can drop the axe. She's
gone.

Yeah, I think I pulled something.

Oh, baby.

Anybody need a little top off of juice?

Daddy, when does your face want to come
back?

Yeah, you look weird.

Well, look, it's going to be a little
hard to get used to, that's for sure.

But a lot of great men had mustaches.

Albert Einstein, Mike Ditka, Yosemite
Sam.

Well, thank you, my new favorite.

Oh, by the way, I borrowed your doll's
comb. Is that all right?

Keep it.

Daddy, you look like Aunt Kuka from the
old country.

That's who it is! Thank you!

That has been driving me crazy!

All right, guys, time to get ready for
school.

Aunt Kuka, please.

She had a full beard.

Why don't you sit down? I need to talk
to you about something I think is

important.

Sure, sure.

Anything, my young lord?

Yes.

Lose the stache.

What? Well, honey, I know this is a new
look you wanted to try, and I really

thought I'd be okay with it, but now
that it's officially a mustache... What

you talking about?

This looks good on me.

Yeah, not so much.

For your information, there are a lot of
people that think this is really cool.

Who? You know, people.

I mean, when you're walking down a mall
and some guy yells, hey, nice mustache,

you don't stop and say, what's your
name?

So nobody.

A guy in the mall.

Honey, Jim, when you kissed me last
night, you scratched my face.

Okay, fine. No more kissing. It's not my
favorite part anyway.

This mustache is an expression of who I
am. Like you women, you know, with your

burning the bras, the right to vote,
wanting to be astronauts.

You gotta respect my choice.

Okay?

Hear me roar.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
work.

Hey. Hi.

Say hello to the policeman and the
Indian chief for me.

Conca. Oh, my God, that's it.

Thank you.

Look, you know I am all for anything
that covers up Jim's face. But, I mean,

this is ridiculous. It's got to go. Why
won't he get rid of it? I know.

Apparently, he's taken a moral stand.

It's an expression of who he is.

Well, yeah, he also says that when he
farts.

No, but what can I do?

Fight fire with fire.

Oh, I don't want to grow a mustache.

Cheryl, I'm saying take something that
Jim loves about you and change it. And

then when he complains, trade it for the
mustache.

Exactly. That is brilliant.

That's brilliant. Thank you. You know, I
got to do something because he's

starting to twirl the corners and laugh
maniacally.

Girl?

I'm right out.

Hey, Jim, you know, I was thinking about
what you were saying about your

mustache and how important it is to you.

And you were right.

Thank you.

Yeah,

you know, you can do whatever you want
with your appearance, and I have

absolutely no say in the matter. Well,
thank you for respecting my body.

All right, let's play Magnum P .I. and
Hot Guest Star.

Chill.

Chill.

Chill.

Cheryl.

I thought it was time for a change. I
got inspired by your mustache.

Cheryl.

Oh, no. What have I done?

You hate it.

Cheryl.

I love it.

Lose your robe. What?

Cheryl, you are hot.

Are you kidding me? No, you're dark and
mysterious.

Give me some of that brunette sugar,
baby.

it because you know you're always going
on and on about how much you love my

blonde hair this this is good

baby good great okay all right let's
forget about magnum p .i all

right let's play uh a wounded gi soldier
and lowly italian housewife all right i

say uh could you help me find my unit
and you say i know

high school from what i hear oh look at
me

all blonde and special now i'm just
brunette and boring thank you

oh my god these are my dumbbells i can't

believe andy took them wow and you fired
your cleaning woman i have got to find

a way to get andy back i know Why don't
you talk him into dyeing his hair?

I didn't know brunettes could be so
snotty.

I did.

Oh, hi. Are Jim and Andy here?

No, but I'm Jim's wife. I can sign for
that. Oh, hi. You're Jim's wife. Oh, Jim

is the greatest.

And are you Andy's girlfriend?

He told me you lived in Canada.

No, I'm his sister. He stole my
dumbbells.

Oh. That might be my fault. I'm the one
who told him he should start working

out. I'm always giving people advice on
how to look better.

I bet your friends love that. Oh, Jim
and Andy sure do.

That cool mustache?

My idea.

Oh, so we have you to thank for that
mustache.

Oh, please, it's nothing.

Jim and Andy just listened to me because
I have a friend who does Rhode Island

school design.

Yeah, that must be it.

We have so much respect for that
institution.

Listen, Alicia,

I think it's just great that you're
helping Jim out with his new look.

You do?

Stay with me.

Because, you know, there are so many
things I'd like to get Jim to try, but

just won't listen to me.

Men, they never do what you want them
to.

Really? I don't have that problem.

What if there were only some way for me
to get Jim to wear what I want?

Yeah. Hmm.

Whoa!

Brain blast!

Maybe I could suggest something to Jim
for you.

What a great idea!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, and don't forget Andy. He really
needs a look.

Oh, great.

Well, what do you want to see them in?

Give us a minute.

for you, but it totally works. I know.

Well, I understand it's all the rage in
Rhode Island.

Hey, honey, would you braveheart for me?

Please?

Freedom!

That is so sexy.

I'm going to save some of that Scottish
butter cookie for you.

Tell me about it.

Andy, what the hell happened to you?

You cover yourself in cheese?

I got a spray on tan.

Look at you. You're wearing a dress.

This is not a dress. It's a kilt.

It's what Scottish guys wear to kick
some ass.

I bet you it's easy to kick ass when all
you have to do is lift a guy's skirt.

I'm going to rub you up.

What do you want, Kenny?

Oh, I need some pencils because I'm out
of pencils.

Right there.

dressed as a kilt.

Kenny, what are you doing?

Are you taking pictures because I look
weird?

No. Some of the guys aren't here today
and they'd never believe how great

you look.

Let me ask you a question, Kenny. I
don't want you to be truthful.

Pretend I'm not your boss. I'm just some
guy you met in a bar.

Oh, I don't go to those kind of bars.

I guess that answers your question,
loser.

Loser?

Tell me, Jim, what do you think he looks
like?

Like a creepy jack -o' -lantern?

Get out of here!

Go!

All right, Jim.

I guess there's a better than average
chance we both look ridiculous.

I can't understand it. Alicia
specifically said I had great calves and

great in a kilt.

Since when do you care what Alicia
thinks?

I don't care what Alicia thinks. But I
do respect the Rhode Island School of

Design.

It's very precise. Oh, my God, I'm
wearing a dress!

And I'm a big gay pumpkin!

We can sure as hell bet I'm going to ask
her when she drops off those Martin

plans today.

No, she already dropped them off.

She did? Oh, you signed for them? No, I
thought you did.

No, I wasn't even... Who signed for
them?

No, no, no, I set you up. You of all
people should know the difference.

But why me, Cheryl?

I'm orange everywhere.

Everywhere!

It was me, you idiot!

What'd I ever do to you?

You stole my dumbbell!

You had it coming. You took my favorite
pie tin. Oh, any tin with a pie in it is

your favorite pie tin.

You know, when I sweat, this stuff runs.

So? So.

you have a brand new white couch.

Cheryl, you let me go out there wearing
a dress.

No, Jim, it's a kilt. It's a dress!

I know you talked to Alicia, didn't you?

Oh, you mean the talking rack who just
loves your mustache?

Cheryl, Alicia is a valued colleague of
mine whose opinion I respect.

And besides, she has a friend that goes
to the... I know, I know, I know. The

Rhode Island School of Design.

Hey, hey, I have a friend in medical
school. Can I take out your appendix?

Yes, you can.

There, I win.

You know what I want to know?

Why did you listen to her over me?

Cheryl, it's a very complicated issue.

And frankly, the subtleties, I don't
think you're going to be able to grasp.

Because the hot chick thought you were
cute?

That would be it.

Okay, I win, honestly.

Wait, wait, Jim, come back here.

I'm your wife, Jim.

I love your face the way it is.

It's the first thing I see in the
morning and the last thing I see at

It's a face I've kissed for the last 13
years and I will for the next 50.

Come on.

Doesn't that mean more than what some
young, hot chick says?

Not really.

Ow!

Oh, come on, Cheryl, I love you like
crazy.

But I'm a guy.

It's normal for a guy to get a little
jolt when a, you know, chick that's not

your wife gives you a little attention.

Why? Well, you know, it makes you feel
like you still got it.

Oh, come on, Cheryl. You know what I'm
talking about.

How about when those three bag boys
carry one loaf of bread to your car for

All right, I'll give you that.

All right, we agree.

So, I want two and this one's a push.
Let's go eat.

What's really bothering me?

Oh, man.

Why do we have to go to what's really
bothering me after I went two out of

three?

Hey, close your legs, Sharon Stone.

Here it is. You chose Alicia over me.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did. You did.

You knew I hated that mustache, and you
kept it anyway.

That makes her more important than me.

You know I would never do that to you.

Well, in my defense, I really didn't
bother to think about it.

Well, think about it now.

Now, come on, Cheryl.

You know you're the most important woman
in the world to me.

Is that potato chip?

Taco shell.

All right.

I'll go shave it off.

Oh, thank you. Hey, but honey, don't...

Don't take off the kilt just yet.

Why not?

Well, I always wanted to go to Scotland,
and you do have amazing calves.

Oh, actually, I do, don't I?

And a terrible Scottish accent. Aye,
that too.

Don't I like my hair this way?

Yes. Doesn't it bother you that it
doesn't really look like me?

No, I get the best of both worlds. I get
to be with another woman, and you're

there too.