Original subtitles

Ugh! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

You know, this is what I hate about the holidays. There's no parking spaces

anywhere. Sounds like somebody could be the little Christmas spirit. Oh, Cheryl.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. Okay, okay, okay, I got the stupid spirit now.

Oh,

look, there's a lady with some bags. Ask her if she's leaving.

Cheryl, I'm not going to ask her anything. She's old. She's going to want

talk.

All right. Shut it off. Shut it off. Excuse me, ma 'am.

Alan, is that you?

That bird house you built me fell down.

Yeah.

Don't worry. I'll be over tomorrow to fix it.

I don't know why I ever listen to anyone but me.

Oh, look. There's a spot. That guy's leaving. Oh, good eye. Good eye. Good

Hey, you see that? That shirt just took my parking spot. I know. I know. We'll

find another one. No, but I found it first. It's mine. It's mine. It's my

Mine.

It's Christmas.

Let it go.

By next Halloween, your egg in the house is with me.

Hey.

Hey. He just hit my car.

He's a dead man.

Honey, count to ten. Count to ten.

Ten. Ten.

Ten.

Let's not make Mr.

Christmas have to bail you out of jail. Cheryl, that jerk just backed right into

us. It's the holiday season.

This is the time of year to be our better self.

Cheryl, why is it always my job to be the better self? Why can't it be his

Why can't it be the season for him not to be a sucky driver?

Jim, I want you to be nice because it's important to me.

Fine.

Merry Christmas.

Idiot! Get back into my van!

Hey, I'm sorry. I was listening to Howard's turn. He's got two strippers

kissing.

You guys okay?

Do we look okay?

Yeah, you look fine. Look, we're fine.

But my car's not fine. You just banged the hell out of it.

Well, I'll have a look -see. You're gonna have a look -see. Okay.

You look, and you'll see. I'll see.

Right there.

Yeah, you're right. Looks like I kind of tagged you a little bit there, didn't

I? Sure.

That's an admission of guilt. Note the time.

I'll just write out my insurance information for you. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Insurance is for having, not for using.

I want cash.

No, no, no. Now. No, Jim, that is not how it works. Sure. But we'll take your

insurance information and we'll be on our way.

Well, thanks for being so understanding.

And hey, that's a really swell Christmas scarf you got there.

Oh, thank you. You know, I knitted it myself.

My brooch, my brooch. It's like... Sure, no.

Okay, so, uh...

You guys have a super -duper Christmas.

Aw, thank you.

Super -duper Christmas?

Who says something like that?

Super -duper... It's Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. Have a little spark for

Christmas, you jackass!

So Jacob Marley said to Scrooge, I am here this night to warn you. You will be

haunted by three spirits.

What are spirits?

You know, ghosts.

We don't like ghosts.

No ghosts!

Okay, um, what do you like?

Hilary Duff. Little Romeo.

Ice cream.

Okay. You will be haunted by Hilary Duff, Lil' Romeo, and ice

cream. What flavor?

Oh, do you guys want me to read this or not?

We told you we did it.

Fine. A two -year -old Christmas tradition is dead.

Well, the tradition of you boring people out of the room is alive.

Well, well, well, Cheryl, I hope you're happy.

Well, how could I not be? It's Christmas.

Get by my musical brooch. Did you look underneath my hammer?

Cheryl, just got off the phone with the insurance agent.

You know that guy that hit us in the parking lot? He gave me fake

No. Yes, Cheryl.

Isn't that super duper?

Yes, Cheryl. Once again, your blind faith in humanity has bitten us in the

I should have just handled it the way I wanted to handle it. Throw his shirt

over his head and pants him?

Yes! I should have married you. Oh.

Now Cheryl's going to cost us five big ones to fix it.

$5 ,000?

Well, five medium ones.

$500, Cheryl. We're out $500.

Well, I hope you like love because that's all I can afford this year.

Well, it's better than that lawnmower you got her last year.

She got a lot of use out of that lawnmower.

Look, Jim.

You're right, okay? That guy was a jerk. That guy was a jerk, and I'm really

sorry about the money. But you know what?

I am not going to let him or you or anybody else ruin Christmas for this

Here, I'm sorry. That's already happened. It's already done. Hey, hey,

It's never too late for Christmas.

Now, I want you to take your kids down to the mall, put them in Santa's lap,

get some frickin' Christmas spirit. Now!

You know...

I'm the last one to point fingers here, but it's pretty stupid of you not to

write down that Joker's license plate. I mean, what were you thinking?

Hey!

That reminds me, I gotta go order my ham.

I just started ringing the bell, and now it's here, too.

That's a good question, honey. And even though I've explained it three times

since the parking lot, I'm going to tell you again.

All the Santas you see are Santa's helpers, and they report to the real

because he signs their paycheck.

Is this kind of candy cane?

Honey, why don't you give Daddy a break and just stand over there?

Cruising the food court for hot moms.

And? No bites, just some nibbles.

It's okay. I got nothing but time.

I wouldn't bet on it.

Ho, ho, ho!

Have a super -duper Christmas!

Super -duper Christmas?

That's him!

Who? Santa!

No, it's Santa's helper.

That's the guy that hit our car in the parking lot. He owes me money.

Well, you best handle your business, my man.

You watch the kids. I'm going to talk to them.

Okay, next.

Whoa.

You're a little big to be sitting in Santa's lap.

Yeah, well, you're a little big to be wearing those fruity shoes.

me, Santa?

Or do you need the sound of scraping metal to jog your memory?

Ho, ho, ho!

Santa doesn't know what the hell you're talking about.

I think you do.

You owe me five big ones to fix my minivan. Now, come on. Five?

Five thousand dollars?

Five hundred. Since when did big mean a thousand?

Come on, cough it up.

Fake information.

Give me my money. I got my checkbook right here. Give me the check. I want

money. It better not bounce.

Wouldn't mind unwrapping you Christmas morning.

Wow.

My Christmas kitty plays rough.

Dana, would you give me some help here?

I don't know if you're going to knit me one of your handmade Christmas cards

again this year.

Yes, I am.

Not any real authority, you know.

Now she has met us, and we're not going to get any presents.

Because Santa's helpers are going to tell him. Now we're going to get coal in

our stockings.

What's coal?

Oh, honey, don't even worry about that. Mommy and Daddy are going to take care

of everything now.

Why don't you go inside and see if Aunt Dana will make you some cocoa?

Yeah.

Yes, I did.

I certainly did. You know who's saying it turned out to be? The guy who ran his

car into our minivan.

Yeah, the crook, the criminal, the guy who ripped us off. But your macho man

five big ones.

Five medium ones, baby, and I'm going to go celebrate.

I'm going to go celebrate, wait in line for a little hot cuckoo.

the Christmas spirit. He's Santa.

I'm just a civilian.

Come on, Cheryl. Give me a break. You know, the kids think Christmas is

No, they don't. Maybe they think that their father doesn't take crap from

anyone, even Santa.

They don't care about that.

They care about Christmas.

Don't you love seeing their little faces light up with excitement when they

think Santa's on his way?

Honey, their face lights up with excitement when they pull a little toy

their cereal box.

So does yours.

Jim, you need to get in the car, take those kids down to the mall, and make

in front of Santa.

Oh, Cheryl.

You know what?

That kind of thinking is why you married down.

Come on. Come on.

I know Christmas, Jim.

and in a food court.

Bit of a dust -up at the card shop.

Long story short, if a big angry husband comes over here, you and I are a

couple.

What happened to Coleman and Newspaper for Widows? That seemed to work for a

while.

Not really. They always cried during sex, and that's kind of my thing.

You excited about seeing Santa?

Yeah, because Daddy and Santa are going to be friends again.

That's right. And you guys are going to get all your presents.

Yay!

Okay, next.

Okay, I'm going to go talk to Santa. Watch him.

Hey. Oh, no. It's you again.

No, no, no. No, I'm going to call security.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. You don't have to do that. I just want to talk to

Santa, okay?

All I want to do is shake hands with him and make everything cool for the kids.

Yeah, kids are great.

Mine need new shoes, and they run about 20 bucks.

20 bucks.

You're short, mean, and cheap.

You must be catnip for the ladies.

Hey, Santa.

Oh, no, not you. But just go away.

Where's my elf? Elf to the throne. No, no, no, no, wait a minute. Please,

please, I don't want any trouble. I don't want any trouble at all.

Okay, I just...

I just want to shake hands and wave to the kids, and we'll be on our way. Well,

forget it. I'm not shaking your hand.

Santa's not a five.

Wait a minute. Come on.

Think down a little deeper, huh? Try to find your better self. It's Christmas.

I'll find my better self at happy hour. Now, get out of here. Not until you

shake my hand. Hey, kids, look it. I fixed things with Santa.

the Easter Bunny's ass.

I got no problem with the bunny. He drops off the chocolate, leaves nice and

quiet.

It's not funny.

It's Christmas Eve and you got into a fight with Santa.

You went to mall jail.

I tried everything with the guy. I tried talking with him. I bribed his elf. I

even swapped spit with your brother.

Next time, no garlic pretzels for you.

Next time...

drinking coffee.

You can't have coffee.

Coffee's for grown -ups. Give me that.

You're going to be up all night.

But we have to stay up and talk to Santa.

If we don't, he'll leave coal in our stockings. I did not make my bed every

this month for coal.

Watch coal!

Don't have to worry about it. Santa's going to come. He's going to give you

gifts. You'll have plenty of presents in the morning.

You're right. They're going to be fine.

But at least you got your money.

It's you.

Just relax, okay?

All I want are your clothes.

What?

I mean, your Santa suit.

I mean, it's Christmas Eve. I couldn't find one anywhere in town. I don't care.

I already gave you your dough. Get out of my car.

Listen to me.

It's for the kids. Oh, for the kids. Yeah.

I hate kids.

Look, I tell you what.

I'll give you the Santa suit for 500 bucks.

Are you crazy? I don't have 500 bucks on me.

I've still got my check.

There you go. It's a pleasure doing business with you.

Hey, I hope you and the fat guy and your three kids have a super duper

Christmas. We will.

Excuse me.

Oh, pardon me. I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what.

I'll put in a good word with Santa for you. Yeah.

And while you're talking to him, you might want to ask him for a new

cab.

bucks for a Santa suit. They're asleep.

This thing is itchy.

I swear, if there's something crawling around in this thing...

A little leftover roast beef for

Santa.

Isn't he lucky?

Santa!

Oh!

Oh! You caught Santa between bites there.

Don't you want milk and cookies?

Well, Santa's on Atkins right now.

Come on.

Sit on Santa's lap.

Now, Santa knows you and Ruby and the little one.

Gracie. Gracie.

I know that you think you're not getting any presents this year.

Here's the deal.

That's not true.

You are getting presents.

Okay?

So, go upstairs now and go to bed.

What?

What are you waiting for? I told you you're getting presents.

But could you give some of my presents to my daddy?

Your daddy, why?

Because he got in a fight with your helper, and I don't think he's getting

presents.

You mean you're willing to give up your toys so your daddy has a good Christmas?

Yeah, but not the walkie -talkies. I was pretty good.

Well, Santa's starting to get that better self thing.

You don't worry about your daddy.

He's the luckiest man in the world.

He's going to get presents.

He won't get coal in his stocking this year.

What's coal?

Well, it's like a rock that burns.

Cool. I want coal.

Wow.

Who's this?

Mommy. It's Santa Claus.

What? Oh, it's very nice to meet you, Santa.

Nice to meet you.

You know, I named one of my reindeer after you.

Foxy.

Vixen? Yeah, Vixen, Foxy, whatever.

Santa has a lot of work to do. I really think you need to go to bed.

No, I want to hang out with Santa.

Did I just hear you say no to your mommy?

Where's my naughty list?

Okay, I'm going.

Wow.

That kid is really good.

Where did that come from?

Me.

He's an amazing father.

Wow.

Little girl.

Would you like to sit on Santa's lap?

I would.

How would you like to be naughty and nice?

You know, Santa, my husband's going to be pretty upset when he sees you've

his roast beef.

He's going to be more upset when he sees Santa in bed with his wife.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a

Merry Christmas.