Original subtitles

Daddy, want to see the picture I drew for school of the first Thanksgiving?

Sure, I got plenty of time. It's not like I'm worried about the breakfast

mother slaved over getting cold.

Don't you think me and Greg are going to be cooking for eight hours on Thursday?

Honey, today's Tuesday. You need two days rest to work eight hours?

Are they hiring where you work?

Yeah, don't bother. My boss only likes blondes.

Why are you hovering?

My picture? Oh, your picture. Yeah, look at that. Isn't that sweet?

You got the pilgrims shaking hands with the Indian watching TV.

It's a computer.

They're ordering a turkey online.

Oh.

Okay, I see that. It's plugged into Plymouth Rock.

Here's mine. Okay. It's a lady Indian putting her Thanksgiving groceries in

minivan. I don't know.

And that's Paris Hilton looking down from her jet.

Jim, I'm thinking you should buy a boat with the college fund because it don't

look like it's happening.

Scooch, give me some room.

The Pilgrims did not have everything that we have today. They had to grow

own food. They had to hunt with bows and arrows. They had to make their own

clothes. Kind of like strict hippies.

We'd starve to death.

No, we wouldn't.

Daddy would hunt us a turkey.

Is that adorable?

What are you talking about adorable?

It's true. I can do it.

Girls, when it comes to getting food, your dad's pretty much useless.

Unless there's a drive -thru.

Don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's talking about.

If I had to, I could go out there and bag a turkey like that.

Oh, really?

What have you ever hunted?

I bagged you, didn't I?

And if you were any smaller, I'd have to throw you back.

Cool, bud.

All right, nice job, girl.

Hey, have fun in prison. Oh, baby.

Love you, love you. Have a good day at school, girl.

Love you to tears.

I can't believe you two.

What? I can't believe you actually insinuated in front of my children that

could not provide for them. Honey, I just...

weren't a hunter.

I am a hunter. I'm a natural born hunter. I'm a caveman.

You could drop me off in the middle of Antarctica and I would survive.

Cheryl, I know a guy. We could do this. Oh,

come on. The closest you ever came to hunting is when you poked around in the

grass for a hot dog that rolled off the grill.

All I'm saying is if I had to do it, I could do it.

Actually, Jim, I know a place where you can go and hunt your own turkey.

I'm all ears.

It's just across state line.

Yeah, yeah, they stock the woods full of wild turkeys and supply you with your

own crossbow. Really? No, no, no, Jim.

You've never even used a crossbow.

Cheryl, please. I've seen Braveheart three times.

I think I know my way around a crossbow, okay?

Okay, you're not seriously thinking about it. I'm done thinking.

Forget it. My primal instincts have just kicked in.

Tomorrow, I hunt, I feast, then I breed.

Hey, it's nice to meet you. We'll see you out there.

Hey, check out this hat I got in the gift shop.

Can you believe it was on sale?

You look like Elmer Fudd.

Now, to entice a bird within shooting range, you want to make a few soft

on your turkey call.

Let's all try it together.

Last thing, while you're hunting, keep an eye out for Angry Pete, the meanest,

nastiest bird in these woods.

Some say he's just a legend.

Oh, he's no legend.

He's 40 pounds of feather fury, he is, with three -inch flesh -ripping spurs,

and he likes to use them.

Andy, relax. This old drunk's just part of the show.

Who said that?

Is this just part of the show?

Oh!

Oh, good God!

Hey,

you mind closing the curtain there?

Starting to taste my waffles again.

So remember, keep an eye out for angry pee.

Why don't they put an owl over a marble in there or something?

All right, people. Find your hunting guides and let's head out. These birds

happy and free.

They ain't going to kill themselves.

This is stupid.

What? Guides and gift shops and old men with patches.

You know what? The cavemen never hunted like this.

Now, if we were real men, we'd go out there naked with clubs.

Hey, we'd all love to run around the forest naked.

Okay, but there are a lot of hunters in those woods, and parts of me look like a

turkey.

Besides, that angry Pete seems kind of scary.

Not as scary as what you just told me.

You know what?

Let's ditch these guys.

Let's go hunt like real men.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll go out there with them, and then you fall down on the ground. You know,

fake like you have a heart attack.

And during the hubbub, I'll sneak away. And when the paramedics come, let them

hit you once with the paddles, get up, say, hey, thanks for saving my life, and

then sneak off and try to find me.

Or we could just go that way.

Yeah.

Okay. But you know what?

I want to try that plan someday.

Want to know which part looks like a turkey? No!

Turkey fun fact number 13, Jim. The first meal eaten on the moon by Neil

Armstrong? Roast turkey in a foil packet.

Well, I guess we don't need his crossbows.

Because you're going to bore the birds to death.

Well, I'm sorry.

But I'm cold, I'm tired, and to top it all off, Later, I'd get to squat over a

mirror and do a tit check.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you were cold.

And a girl.

Why don't you just prance on back to your little guide?

Did it ever occur to you that they call them guides because they guide you to

the birds? Oh, shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. Shut your fucking mouth.

You know what? I really wish there was an angry Pete so he could slash me to

ribbons and put me out of my misery.

Let me get your wish.

Oh, no. I don't want to die like this, Jim. I want...

Go back to hell where you came from.

Reload.

Damn it, this sucks.

How did Braveheart do it?

Come on.

Hold your fire, Jim. Hold your fire. What?

It's not angry Pete.

It's a little bunny.

I almost killed a poor defenseless little bunny.

How? By throwing candy at it?

I guess we could have given it diabetes.

Sorry I lost it, bro.

That's all right.

Look, these woods can get to you.

Many a man has been known to do weird things out here in the woods.

You know what I'm talking about.

Move, I gotta go pee. Fine.

I'm going to take me a little candy break.

Nothing like a brush with death.

Putting you in the mood for fine English caramel.

Andy, will you knock it off? I'm trying to focus here.

Yes, I did.

I told you I would, and I did.

Wow.

You know, I got to confess, I thought for sure one of you would come home with

an arrow in your butt.

Hey, where's the turkey?

Well, Andy's got it. He's bringing it, and it's a beaut. He's having it cleaned

right now in their on -site turkey cleaning service.

It's going to look just like a store -bought turkey.

all this adrenaline running through my system from hunting.

This hunter is thirsty.

How about a beer?

Well, of course. Anything for my big, strong hunter. I love you. I love you.

Breeding later.

How about some chips?

Hey, I'm not married to you.

Good to go.

You got the turkey? Yeah. And get this for free. No kidding?

Yeah. All I had to do was spend $100 on groceries.

There's just one thing, and don't freak out.

The bird's frozen.

What?

You got a frozen bird? You got a frozen turkey? What were you thinking? Why do I

even bother saying don't freak out?

Oh, look, it's a butterball holding a turkey.

Wow, how big is that thing? 22 pounds.

Yeah, it's plucked, clean, and flash frozen right there at the place.

They freeze it just so you can thaw it out again?

Yeah.

Because, you know.

It's Indiana, you know them. They freeze everything.

Yep, basketball and freezing stuff.

Hoosiers.

Okay, I'm going to get this thing in the fridge. Come on, Dina.

What do you want me to do?

I killed the day. Don't push me.

Oh, I don't know, Cheryl. It's kind of a pain in the butt.

Hello, my son.

Daddy, I made you a cow.

Okay, Jim, what's wrong?

I don't know.

That kid gets on my nerves.

You know, it looks like you're in a lot of pain.

Really? Is there something you want to tell me?

Cheryl! Why do I think that has something to do with the

explanation?

Kill people, right?

It was either give them the bird or the toothless one was going to make a woman

out of Andy.

Right, Andy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, a woman.

And I wasn't in the mood for that at all.

No, no, no, no, no. He'll take whatever he can get. They're lying.

Jim, what happened out there?

You want the truth, right?

Okay, here it is.

shot in the ass with the arrow.

to shoot a turkey and... and a turkey shot you.

Oh, my God. This year I have so much to be thankful for.

Go ahead. Laugh at my pain. Very funny.

Why do I have to sit here and watch you laugh?

Why? Because you have a boo -boo on your tushy.

Come on, Dana. That's enough.

Jim's hurting. Let's not make... Make him the butt of our jokes.

Just the kind of lowbrow humor I'd expect from you guys.

I'm making six potato dishes for tomorrow night. One of them is almost

mayonnaise.

Cheryl, mayonnaise is not going to fix it this time.

I know the turkey thing didn't turn out the way you wanted, but we're still

going to have a great Thanksgiving.

You know, Andy picked out a really nice burger.

Look at you, the fearless hunter of the woods.

How's your ass, Pally?

From now on, loser, get your turkeys at the store like the rest of the

housewives.

Meanwhile, I'll still be strutting around those woods waiting for a real

shoot me.

Ow, my neck.

I know what you are.

You're nothing but a gas station hot dog mixed with pain medication.

What?

Nothing.

Andy!

Get your coat and that stupid hat and we're going hunting!

I hate you!

We already have a turkey.

Yes! We got a store -bought turkey. And you know who buys store -bought turkeys?

Losers! Losers and failures!

You're not a loser or a failure.

You're a good man, and you take great care of us. I want to be a king, man!

Why are we doing this? I can't explain it.

Mostly because it involves an hallucination.

Come on!

Great. He's on painkillers, and we're going hunting.

If I don't make it back, the stuff under my bed, I'm just storing for a friend.

Jim, I'm sorry.

I know you want to keep going, but you can't hunt in the dark.

Besides, your hill people story really creeped me out.

I can't believe it. I can't believe we actually got beat by a turkey.

Jim, come on.

It's not just any turkey. It's Angry Pete.

You don't get your face on an oven mitt in a gift shop unless you're a legend.

I know, but I really thought we could do it.

Turns out I'm going to be just another modern man eating a store -bought turkey

this Thanksgiving.

I'm going to be a caveman!

Well, I guess Angry Pete was right.

What?

I don't know. He was ragging on me in the kitchen.

Talk. me about what a loser and a failure i am stupid turkey i hate him i

him yeah jim why don't you pull over and let me do the driving i'm fine no no no

you look a little higher

what you caught. I came out here to get angry Pete.

I beg angry Pete.

Not so angry now, are you, Pete?

I win!

I win!

I'm a caveman! I'm a caveman!

Okay, can we get out of here? I'm cold and I'm wet.

What the hell happened to you?

That turkey scared the hell out of me.

Let's just throw this roadkill in the back and get out of here. No, no, no,

I'm not losing this one.

Pete rides up front with me.