Original subtitles

You know what? I am the luckiest man in the world.

You are a beautiful, beautiful woman.

You know what I was thinking?

I am not sleeping in the nude.

Why not?

Come on, that's the way God created us.

I'm just doing his will.

You know what, baby? I want to go to heaven.

You know, maybe I'd consider it if we didn't have these ratty old sheets.

New sheets? Done. Okay.

On to the BJs.

You know,

Now you got me thinking. Oh, no, no, no.

No thinking. Stripping.

Yeah, yeah. If we're going to get new sheets, we're going to need a new duvet.

No, no, no. Don't start with that, honey. And a rug.

No. Yeah, yeah.

If we get a new rug, then we're going to have to get a new chair because it

doesn't match the rug, and then we're going to have to paint the walls, and

our kids are going to hate us.

Why? Because we're going to get divorced, honey.

Come on.

Let's redecorate. We can do it together.

No, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, because you ask for my opinion, I give you my opinion, and

then you ignore it.

Oh, come on. Honey, I know you don't believe this, but I really do want your

input. This is our house. No, no, no, it's not our house. It's my house, it's

your home, and I'm a guest here.

Oh, it is. It's like a three -star hotel with so -so room service.

Oh, come on. That'll be fun.

Oh, I'll tell you what will be fun. Oh, I am not sleeping in the nude.

Interesting.

I was going to say cuddle.

But you cheapened it.

Good night.

Good night.

Of course, I like it cheapened.

color combo for the bathroom.

You got your tile, paint, and curtains.

Ruth, hold the tile up for paint.

I'm liking it. I'm not loving it.

Yeah.

Next!

Mommy, I got math homework.

Yeah, but honey, this is something you can actually use in life.

Oh, oh, oh!

Rainstorm! Ow!

Quit your squawking. Mom used to paint right on our foreheads.

Yeah, yeah, I still don't know.

You know, the light's better in the bathroom.

Yeah, girls, go stand in the tub. We'll be right up.

I know, I know, I know. Hey!

I'm so glad you're home. I wanted to show you this stuff.

This is a shower curtain.

Yeah. What are you doing with a shower curtain?

Shower curtains don't go in the bedroom.

Oh, someone's been watching Queer Eye.

is going to look shabby.

Cheryl, I thought we were doing this decorating thing together. That's what

said. Okay, from now on, I've got to sign off on everything.

Even dinner. What are we having for dinner?

Meatloaf.

Okay, approved.

Look, honey, I know I should have talked to you about doing the bathroom. I just

got so excited. Come here. I want to show you something.

Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which do you like better?

The green tile or...

The green tile with the delicate border.

Well, I think I like the green one with the invisible border.

Okay, yeah, yeah, that's nice.

But do you think the border's too subtle?

bathroom, you will know you decorated it.

Jim, Jim, uh -oh.

I'm about to be brilliant.

You know what would be perfect for your new bathroom? The Royal Flush XP toilet

system.

The Royal Flush XP? That's the champagne of toilets.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that that hideous toilet that they show in all

commercials? Yes.

Designed for NASA, now a favorite for sports figures and world leaders. Andy?

Can you please tell them what separates the Royal Flush XP from other toilets?

The answer is technology.

It has an ergonomic heated seat and an atomizer with your choice of scents.

You can try and find a better toilet, but... Nothing beats a Royal Flush.

That was very impressive. Let me ask you guys something. Who's your congressman?

Me.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

The royal flush. That is a great idea.

Isn't it? What a great idea.

I knew she liked it. Let me just show you this.

This is classic porcelain.

You got your white, or if you really want to throw caution to the wind, off

whites.

Cheryl, you can't do it, can you? What? You just can't. She can't do it, can

she? No, she's incapable.

Yes, incapable.

That's the word.

Cheryl, it's obvious that you don't really want input from me. You just want

to go along with what you want.

And what you really want is you want a sidekick with a credit card who agrees

with everything you say.

Oh, come on. No, Cheryl, I mean, I like this toilet.

And you don't want it. Do you know what that makes you? It makes you a

hypocrite.

I am not.

Is she being a hypocrite? Well, she's either a hypocrite or a hypocrite with a

delicate border.

Yeah, Cheryl.

Come on, just admit it. You just want what you want.

That is not true.

Yes, it is true, honey. It is. You're being a hypocrite. Well, you're being a

fun kill.

Fun kill? Yeah, fun kill. Fun kill? Because for your information, I

You already ordered it?

You ordered that chrome monster?

Do I have to start signing off on things now, too?

Yes, Dana, I ordered it. And now Jim has ruined the surprise.

Whoa, I had no idea.

Well? The Royal Flush XP!

Man, if it weren't for your receding hairline and sleeping with my sister,

trade places with you right now.

Oh, Cheryl, I got the most wonderful wife in the world, and now I got the

wonderful toilet in the world.

Your bowl runneth over.

Cheryl, Cheryl, I'm just so surprised and so happy. You know what I'm going to

do? You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to whip up something that goes with that meatloaf, okay? A little side

dish. Oh, I know.

What kind of cereal do you want? No, no, no, I'm going to surprise you.

I'll cut up some fruit.

Oh, no, you didn't hear that.

You bought that thing. We spent all this time trying to create a tasteful

bathroom. I may as well have just gone into work today.

Dana. I can't believe you got that for him.

You lied?

Yeah.

Because he called me a hypocrite and he was right. And I hate it when he's

right.

So I panicked.

Hey, you want to go with me by a really, really ugly toilet?

All right. I guess we'll just take off work again.

I'll tell him Grandma's a fighter.

Oh, my God. There it is.

Look at this.

I can't believe it. I'm going to be a proud owner of a Royal Flush XP.

Finally, something for your high school newsletter.

Yeah. I can't believe Cheryl actually bought this for me.

Hey, Jim, I know we haven't discussed the particulars.

Oh, come on. I assume I'll do it. No, no, no. Fine.

Yep, that means yes. I know you want me to use it. You want me to use this

thing. Once a week you get it. All right. Gentlemen.

Welcome to Bathopolis, your bathroom superstore.

Drooling over the XP, are we? Well, not for long. He's getting one, and I get to

use it. Really?

How long were you on the waiting list?

What? What waiting list?

My wife told me yesterday that she called here and ordered one. That's

impossible. We're completely out of stock.

We stopped taking orders two months ago.

What? Bud, I can't show you a nice bidet.

We're not here for a... Ooh, I love that color.

I'll take one. Great. I'll write that up. Oh, I feel terrible. Such an impulse

buyer. I should... Oh, steam shower.

Andy. Andy.

Andy, something is going on here. Something's wrong.

She told me she ordered the Royal Flush from here.

Hey, why don't you ask her? She's right over there with Dana.

Hi.

I'm looking for the Royal Flush XP... Oh, you can't get it.

What do you mean you can't get it? I already lied to my husband and told him

bought it. I'm sorry.

There's nothing I can do.

But... I can't show you a nice bidet.

What? No.

Well, somebody's lying.

And it ain't me this time.

Hey, congratulations.

You finally deserve the moral high ground instead of just claiming it.

Let's bust her. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

She's still digging.

Let's see how deep the hole goes.

There's your XP right there.

Oh, God.

Even more hideous than I thought.

Yeah.

Look, my sister's really in a pickle here. We need to have that toilet.

Can you give me a second?

Yeah. Thanks so much, sweetie.

Listen, Lenny, my sister is gorgeous.

She drinks and she's on the rebound.

So I go home with the toilet.

You go home with her.

Madam, this is Bathopolis, not Gomorrah.

No Kandusky.

Okay, there's none here, but how about another shot?

Steve. Oh, hey, it's going to get lucky in here.

I'm wearing my worst in pants. Are you drinking?

I don't know.

I've already checked the price.

I've already checked the price. I've already checked the price.

I've already checked the price.

ones in Guam.

Oh, I get it.

You're kidding.

Hey,

how about we call the factory?

No. Do you sell news?

I'm trying to hear.

I'm trying to hear.

Everybody's going to have steamed clams for lunch. Isn't that ironic?

Hey, I know. I know. How about you just sort of sneak me the names and numbers

of the people you've sold them to?

I'm not saying I would ever,

ever do this, but just say I had a gun to your head.

Well, that's it.

I'm screwed.

Well, at least you don't have to live with this ugly toilet.

Dana, you don't understand.

If I don't come home with this toilet, there'll be no end to Jim's well, well,

wells. You never say that.

You always say that. Now get me that. I guess I'm just going to have to tell

Jim the truth.

Truth is for healthy marriages.

Look,

he's a guy. You just have to distract him with something else he'll like

You know, he is pretty easily distracted.

Yeah. A bowl of pudding and a shiny set of keys ought to do the trick.

Well, well, well.

I got something on my wife and she doesn't know it.

I'm going to have fun with this one.

I'm going out. Do you hear me? I can't stop you.

Are you paying by cash or check?

I like your two moving in together.

We got to register.

Royal Flush actually puts the seat back down when you're done.

Now, how many arguments is that going to save?

Oh, and it's the official toilet of the Swedish monarchy.

Some of the cleanest people in the world. Yes.

Hey, honey.

You know, since we're redecorating, I was thinking about a plasma TV for the

bedroom. Huh?

Look at that guy watching baseball. How happy is he?

Plasma TV? The Royal Flush?

God, if there was a fire, I wouldn't know what to save.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, Jim.

Are you saying that you can afford a Royal Flush XP and a Plasma TV?

No, you're right. One has to go.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking to go for the Plasma TV.

You'd think.

Yeah. Nah, toilet.

Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and say goodbye to my old porcelain friend.

Just one more thing. Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl.

Newspaper under the arm. The countdown has begun.

Okay, but what do you think, honey? What do you think of a mini fridge in the

living room?

A mini fridge in the living room? Cold beers in here? It wouldn't have to go

into the kitchen.

No. But how would Ruby and Gracie get their exercise?

Yeah, you're right.

Nah, toilet.

Okay, Jim, hey.

How about a steam shower?

No, bad experience.

You know, a steam shower would be awesome, but you know what?

So is the royal flush. That's awesome, too.

How about sex with another woman?

You or me?

of that toilet.

So to speak.

Yeah.

My only two options now are telling him the truth or leaving him. I know this

great bar.

Totally hot, guys. You're a little old, but they keep it dark.

Hey!

Andy! What, what, what? Hey!

That's our toilet!

Not anymore. Now it's a planter for my front porch.

Yep. Jim's upstairs installing the Royal Flush XP.

What? That's not possible.

Why? You said you ordered it, right?

Well, yeah, but... Yep, as soon as he gets that modem set up, that thing's

be online.

So what are you gonna plant in that thing?

I'm not sure yet, but I know it's gonna grow.

Whoa.

Toilet, seat up!

Toilet, music!

So, where'd this thing come from?

From my wonderful wife, right?

Right. You know, that's what I love about you.

You ask me my opinion, and you listen.

dance to toilet music. All right. Here. Why don't you sit down?

No, no. Come on. Try it on. I want you to experience the XP's unsurpassed

comfort and beverage holder.

Hello, Cheryl.

Oh, my God!

It knows my name? Yeah, yeah. It's weight sensitive. I programmed it.

Hello, Jim.

Hello. Is that James Earl Jones?

Yeah.

Don't you just love the way his voice resonates around the sides of the bowl?

It kind of tickles me.

You know what? And get this.

It comes with a lifetime guarantee, Cheryl. That means we'll never need a

toilet. Ever, ever, ever.

And you know what? When I die, Kyle will inherit the throne, just like

Shakespeare.

Come on over here and sit with me. Come on, come on.

Hello, Andy.

in the toilet that the both of us picked out together?

Stop it. Stop it, all right?

I lied.

Is that what you want to hear? I am a great big hypocrite.

Why, Cheryl, why?

What would drive a common housewife to lie to her husband?

Because you were right.

Because I don't care about your stupid opinions.

I just want you to tell me that everything I choose is perfect because,

You don't need to, Cheryl.

Well, well, well.

Just a little option that I splurged on.

All right. Your point is made. You win.

Now can we get rid of it? No, no. No way.

No way.

This will stand as a chrome monument and a timeless message to women everywhere.

Don't ask your man for his opinion unless you really want it.

I promise I will never show you another paint sample. Or?

Or take you to another sofa showroom. Or? Or ask you for your decorative

on anything ever again.

Thank you.

I will be happy not to be there for you.

Now, let me show you this. Oh, my God. Come on, really, really. It's got an

adjustable seat. Oh. Okay? It's got a nightlight.

Ew!

And it's self -cleaning.

So clean.

What?