Original subtitles

Previously on According to Jim... So, you guys want to be in a commercial?

Yeah!

Come on, Cheryl, this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

There's nothing I'd love more than going on a cruise. Well, then let's do it!

I'm not an actor.

Don't worry.

I have enough talent for the both of us. No. No, no, no, no, no. We need to get

Cheryl a better husband.

She's got to go.

Chad, this is my husband, Jim. And Jim, this is Ted.

He plays my husband.

Some guys get pretty uptight standing around watching their wife kiss a good

look. Wait a minute. They're going to kiss?

Hey, handsome.

Hey. Hey.

Well, Cheryl, I've done it. What?

I've officially spit in all five of the Great Lakes and two oceans.

Oh, yeah.

That's a great story at the dinner table.

You know, really, don't tell that story again.

I'll tell you.

You drop the kids off at the Oceaneers Club? Yeah, they didn't even say

Hang up a sign that says, no parents allowed, and suddenly they can't become

Vegas for kids.

You know, I missed you.

Oh, yeah?

I did.

Look at that.

Two kisses in one day.

Boy. Sure, giving them out freely, aren't you?

Ted, me.

You know, I can get goofy down here if you really feel generous.

I knew it.

You're upset about me kissing Ted. I told you, I'm fine with it.

I'm fine. I'm as fine as a fine wine.

Which, by the way, tonight, easy on the wine? Oh, come on. I'm telling you.

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Yeah, but we saw you shooting the commercial today, and you and your

make a great couple. Oh, boy, thank you. But actually, that wasn't my husband.

This is my husband. Right here.

And she's funny, too.

Good night.

Still fine.

Okay.

Oh, baby.

What is Ted doing here? I don't know, but be nice.

I am nice.

Okay, maybe I didn't make myself clear.

Don't be an ass.

Hello,

everybody. Look, it's lovely.

Well, hi.

Hi.

Ted's here.

Isn't that great? Yeah. That's great, isn't it? Yeah, it's great.

So, Jim, did you get a chance to take in the sights while I was working?

With our wife?

Yes, I did, actually.

I went to the southernmost point of the United States, and I mooned Castro.

Well, I guess the ball's in his court now.

Wow. No chair for the Andy man, huh?

No, no, no, no. We can work this out.

Cozy. So, Ted, how did you get into the acting game? Well, I was a camp

counselor for special needs kids, and we did a mid -summer night's dream.

I caught the bug.

Oh, that must have been so rewarding.

I went to camp.

Yeah, and it was this big swimming hole, right?

And I would do cannonballs that would bring birds out of the sky.

Well, we didn't have a swimming hole. Most of the kids were confined to

wheelchairs. Oh, boy, you missed out.

Hi, what will we be drinking this evening?

Oh, Jim, how about a nice bottle of Chardonnay, huh? I'll take a look at the

wine list.

I once played a snotty wine to it in an Alton Twins movie.

I saw that. You were snotty.

Thank you very much.

Andy, good work out there today.

You'll find that I'm good at a lot of things.

What do you say later we go test the stabilizers out on this ship?

Andy, I'm gay.

Oh, I didn't know.

It just happened.

What's with this tent guy?

Huh? You've been working all day. I haven't seen Cheryl. Now I gotta share

with Ted. I'm sorry.

My boss insisted. I couldn't do anything about it.

Look, why don't you come by the set tomorrow? Hang out.

You got a part for me?

No. It's this bartender thing.

I can play bartender.

I can play bartender. No.

Come on, Dina.

If it wasn't for me, Cheryl wouldn't be here right now. You owe me.

Let me play the bartender. Let me play the bartender. Let me play the

What? I'll see what I can do.

You better not embarrass me.

That really hurts my feelings.

Since when do I embarrass people?

I haven't embarrassed anybody.

Hey, bread guy. Bread guy.

Yeah, just throw me a roll, would you?

Ow!

Hey, Cheryl.

How's it going?

Hey, oh, fine.

I'm just having a little trouble waking up.

It's taken care of.

Thank you, Dana.

As I was getting the director new underwear, I thought, how could this job

possibly get more demeaning?

Get Cheryl a coffee with skim milk. No, he doesn't have to do it. Actually, I'll

have one, too.

Oh, and some croissants.

Oh, chocolate for me.

Yeah,

would you warm him up?

I like this. It's like having our own little helper monkey. Yeah, he's my

I said that without giggling.

You're the bartender?

No, I'm Esteban.

From Albania.

Is that a mustache?

You like it?

I did it myself. I don't know why, I just thought Esteban would have one.

Okay,

bartender pours two drinks.

Happy couple, smiles and toasts.

Is that a mustache?

Yes. I made it myself.

I thought Esteban would have one.

Good.

I play harmonica.

Is there any way we work that in?

Harmonica?

And action.

I thought Esteban would do something like that.

I like what you're doing. Thank you.

But can you bring it down a little?

Sure, sure. How much?

To just handing them the drinks.

Sorry.

Thought you wanted it to be good.

It's showbiz talk, Cheryl.

Ted, tell her.

That's a new one to me, Esteban.

Chip, Chip, can I talk to you for a second? I'm working here. No, no,

problem with your wardrobe.

Really? What's the matter?

You're in it, and they want it back.

You firing me? Good guess.

I'm Dana.

Dana. No, no, no, no.

Dana wanted me to handle it. Besides, she already got to fire you, and I

my shot, so let's go.

I'm not going anywhere with you, no.

Make me.

I missed you very much.

Hey.

Well, hello, movie star. You know.

Would you like to have a drink with your husband?

You know, I would.

Have you seen him, Esteban?

Hey, hey, look who we have here.

Hey. It's my wife and her husband.

That's a good one, Ted.

You're everything. You're like an actor, comedian, magician.

You're a jackass of all trades, huh?

Okay, come on.

Okay,

now this is just for the dads.

We're going to play the Mexican hat game.

Okay, bye -bye.

Okay, now what I'd like is for you to form a circle for me, please.

Okay, and here's how it's going to work. When I say one, take the hat from your

right and put it on.

When I say two, take the hat to your left and put it on. And when the music

stops, you don't have a hat. You're out.

Vamonos.

Okay, here we go.

Two to the left.

Two to the left.

Two to the left.

One to the right. And stop. Who doesn't have a hat?

It says here they're making flubber in the Oceaneers Club.

Nah, we like the ladder.

Hey, Goofy's doing calisthenics poolside.

Nope, ladder.

Maybe I should build you a ladder when we get home.

Uh -uh, we like this one.

Hey. Hey.

Listen, girls, Daddy and I need to talk. Would you mind closing the curtain?

If you're going to seduce me, the girls are right there.

But we'll keep it really quiet.

What is with you?

What? What?

You said you're okay with this Ted thing, and next thing I know, you're

him out.

I didn't punch him out. He ran into my elbow.

For God's sake.

What? Are you guys fighting?

No, honey.

Now you're confusing me because I thought we were fighting.

God, his nose is not broken, and I think we can cover up the bruise with makeup,

but my boss is not happy. Yeah, well, to be fair, I don't think she was a happy

person to begin with.

Come on, girls.

We need you on camera in a half an hour.

And, Jim, I may not make it to Haiti, but I have the rest of my life to make

pay for this week, and I'm going to start by giving you this dirty look.

That's right.

Get used to it.

You're going to actually do this? You're going to actually kiss this creep?

Yes, Jim.

I am.

Because I have to.

Because we're here on this free cruise that you talked me into.

And then, and then they fired you. And I wanted to leave, but you said, no, no,

stay. So I did. And then, and then they brought in this husband, and I thought,

you know what?

That's going to be kind of weird. But you said, no, no, honey, I'm fine with

than some other guy.

Especially when there's an exchange of monies.

You are being completely unreasonable.

Yes.

That's me.

I don't know why you're so surprised.

You know who you marry.

Yeah. And so do you.

What do you mean? Hey, Cheryl. Ready for some make -out? I mean, make -up.

Sorry, Joe.

This is just killing me.

Jim, just maybe this one time, it's not about you.

It's not about me?

Andy, one of the extra kids threw up. Can you get up here with him, Mom?

Well, it sure as hell isn't.

It's the big moment. We've had the best vacation ever. We're holding hands.

We're in love.

Remember, we're on Disney's magical island.

Oh, Cheryl, where do you think you're going? I've got to talk to Cheryl for a

minute. No, sorry, Jim. No can do. Fine.

Well, if you're going to make me sit out here in the sun, at least give me some

sunscreen.

All right, all right, fine.

Cheryl!

Cheryl!

Cheryl, I do know who I married. I want you to kiss him if you have to.

Cut.

I believe this.

Jim, all next week I'm coming to your work and I'm ruining things. What are

doing here?

Where is Cheryl?

She didn't want to do the kiss scene.

Really? She played the sister card. What could I do?

I was a good guy and I got my own way. Yes!

Where is my lovely wife? Probably looking for you.

Oh, so she didn't want to do the kiss, huh? I take that, pretty boy.

Jim, could you just leave?

Do I still have to... No, the cruise is still free.

Yes! This really is a magical island.

Okay, and... Action!

And we're leaning in for the kiss.

And romance, romance, romance.

And...

or was that kid special?

Dana, I'm a professional.

When I'm on the job, my main focus is... Drinks later?

Oh, God, yes.

Nice job.

Drinks later?

Oh, God, yes.

Hey, great work today.

Thank you.

So, drinks later?

Oh, God, yes.

Hey, sis.

Thanks for the free trip.

Hey. Thanks for taking my crap all week. No problem.

By the way, I've been spitting in your coffee the entire cruise.

Please, I knew you'd do that, so I've been switching it with your coffee.

Damn it!

I drank my own spit.

Pretty. Yeah.

You know, I went to the shoot trying to find you and tell you that it's okay

that you kissed him.

And I really meant it this time.

I wasn't going to lie or anything.

But you weren't there.

You didn't do it.

What? No.

Call me old -fashioned, I only want to kiss my unreasonable husband.

Okay.

New rule.

Only one husband.

Yeah, fine, but you know, Tim, you didn't have to hit Tim. Oh, it was an

accident, honey. I'm very competitive. I wanted that hat. I didn't want to get

kicked out in front of the kids.

It's our last night on the ship. We really want to get into this one.

Right, you're right.

We'd save it for the plane. I didn't bring a book.

You know...

I do know who I'm marrying.

Yeah. I love you.

Me too.

And death.

Look, it's the first star. Make a wish.

Well, I don't see it. Would you just go with me on this and make a wish?

What do you wish for?

I wish that we'd be together forever and we'd always be this happy.

How about you?

Not too much. You know what I always wish for.