Original subtitles

Okay, girls.

Thanks, Daddy.

Oh, yeah, sledding is fun, wasn't it?

Come on.

It was funny when he slid into the fence.

Yeah, well, breaking is for sissies.

All right, take off your snow clothes. Come here, Connor, let me take off your

coat here.

Apparently he gave them to you, too.

Hey, check it out. I got a watch.

Hey.

Hey, Dana, what's going on?

Nothing. I was just down at the unemployment office. I like to get there

to beat the losers.

You know, Dana, people who live in cardboard boxes shouldn't be throwing

system because that's over now.

Why is it over, Dana? Oh, well, I'm glad you asked, no one.

While I was in line, I got a call on my cell phone and I

you are partaking of our goods and services.

So now that you have a job, I expect a reimbursement.

Ah, my ledger.

Don't. Don't start the job. Well, you remember that interview I had a month

It totally paid off. You were looking at the new creative director at Morris and

Platt Advertising. Oh, that is so great.

Wow. Is the money good?

Well, I don't want to put a number on it, but let's just say it's more than

make.

Thank you. Yes, Dana, we are very proud of you.

Now, would you like to check over the bill before I put it on your credit

A dollar for tap water?

Well, Cheryl had to wash the glass.

And it's not like you were drinking it in the dark.

Okay, let's keep the energy up. Remember, you're on the Disney cruise

departing for tropical paradise.

And I just want to thank you again for this opportunity. Yeah, Dana, you

me with the flowers, the basket of muffins, and the Bulls tickets. If you

me anymore, I'm going to have to fire you.

Okay, so, what do you think of the mom?

Yeah, you know, she's okay.

Just not what I had in mind for the Disney Cruise Line account.

Okay, so could you give me an idea of who you had in mind?

Well, it's hard to put into words, but...

She's kind of a cross between Wonder Woman and Kelly McGillis in Witness.

Yeah, sure, I can find that.

Dana, Dana.

Hey! Will you excuse me for a minute? Oh, sure.

Wow, can you look at this place?

It's so big.

You need 70 hundred pancakes to touch the ceiling.

Jim's teaching the measurements.

So, are you ready to go to lunch? Oh, I can't. I can't. Vice President Wackjob

over here just sent me on a quest to find some Amish superhero.

What?

Dana, who is this? Oh, kids, this is my sister Cheryl and her kids Ruby and

Gracie. This is my boss.

Oh. Hi, Wackjob.

Isn't that cute?

She says that to everybody.

Okay, we're going to get going.

Going? No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't go anywhere.

No, you are perfect.

Anybody always say this?

I mean, for the Disney Cruise Spot, you are exactly what I've been looking for.

You pop.

Really?

Absolutely. I mean, look at them. They're popping all over the place.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Darn right, pop.

So, you guys want to be in a commercial?

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. Keep in mind that my new boss here would love it.

On this, my first day of my new job. You know, I don't know. You know, we're not

actors. I was Dolly Madison in the President's Day pageant.

Yes, you were, and what a night that was.

See, this just feels right to me.

What is the dad like?

He's handsome and funny and has big, big muscles.

Where's my dollar?

No, honey, only daddy pays for his compliments.

Well, he sounds fantastic.

Oh, Dana.

Make it happen.

Well, thank you, Cheryl. You totally saved me. Tina, I'm not going to do it.

But Kitson really wants it.

I need your help. You're my sister.

No, no, no. You're not going to play the sister card. No, goodbye.

Come on, girl.

No, this isn't over.

I swear I will crush you.

Tina, you were so much sweeter when you were unemployed.

Empire. Andy,

don't you think Cheryl looks especially great today? She sure does.

What's the word I'm looking for?

Luminous. No, no, no. A real word.

I don't know, Jim.

She just has the magic.

Would you say that she...

Will you shut up?

Dana put you up to this, didn't she?

Yeah, she did, but now she realizes she should have used chimps.

Look, Cheryl, I'm sorry about this afternoon. You know, we both blew off

handle a little bit.

I didn't fly off the handle.

Apology accepted.

Cheryl, Cheryl, come on, look at this. If we do this...

We get a free cruise in the Caribbean? I mean, how great can that be? Yeah, it

won't even be like work.

No, no, they'll just film you running around having a good time.

Correction, a free good time, which is better than a good time.

And I already talked to Mom, and since Kyle isn't in the ad, she said that you

could live in with her for a week. Yeah, yeah, and if he sees the pictures in

the family photo album when he grows up, we'll just tell him he wasn't born yet.

I just, I don't think it's a good idea.

Okay, okay. Let me have a moment alone with my wife.

Hey, hey.

While you're talking to her, see if you can get her to go on the cruise.

Get out of here.

God knows that I don't ask for much.

Oh, I love how this is starting.

Come on, Cheryl. This is an opportunity of a lifetime.

There's nothing I'd love more than going on a cruise. Well, then let's do it.

Honey, I'm not an actor.

What if I screw up? Then Dana will look bad. I mean, I'll look bad.

Okay, I know what this is about.

All right, don't worry.

I have enough talent for the both of us.

Come on, you've seen the family movies. The camera loves me.

It's my big head.

Come on, the kids will love it. Well, get out of the cold.

And your number one kid will love it, too.

Me.

Come on, baby. All right, all right, we'll go. Oh, my God, you're so easy.

Okay,

guys, she said yes. We're going on a cruise.

We're going on a cruise.

We're going on a cruise.

We're going on a cruise. Wait a second.

I heard a floorboard snap.

We're going on a cruise.

You have to wear that.

Well, it is an official position, and we are sailing into international waters.

That's funny.

Hey, look, Chris, look. Hey, look, Mickey, Minnie.

Hi, Minnie. Hi, Minnie.

Hey, look at this. Look at this.

Hey, hey.

I'm king of the world!

Wow, it's quite a promotion from Bikini Inspector.

Hey, Mickey, Minnie, I'm king of the world!

Excuse me, sir. I'm king!

Sir, you need to come down. King! Sir, you might be king, but it stays.

Do not climb. All right, all right, all right. Have a magical day, sir.

How come they didn't say my name when I came on? Andy, this is work for you.

What? I spent all this money on vacation clothes.

Vacation from what? Liking girls?

Listen, you're here as my assistant. On this cruise, your name is Hey You, and

my name is Yes Ma 'am.

You think I'm just going to take your crap all week? Well, it's either that or

you get on the next plane back to Chicago.

On your dime.

They're having a cold snap right now, you know.

I hate you.

I hate you what?

Ma 'am.

Okay, guys.

The first scene's not up for a couple hours, but remember, when you're on

camera, there's no spitting, picking boogers, or adjusting your underwear.

kids, same goes for you.

Well, then, you don't have to worry about me. I didn't pack any underwear

the screws.

I'm on vacation.

I mean, you're the rock. You're the foundation. I mean, you're the one

We're on this boat for a week.

Dial it back.

Dial it back.

Uh, who's that next to Cheryl?

Oh, that's Jim. He's her husband.

Really?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. We need to get Cheryl a better husband.

I've been telling her that for years.

Oh, my God. You're serious?

And Jim is not it.

He's got to go.

Listen, you hired me to oversee this project, and that's what I'm trying to

You're going to have to trust me that Jim's going to work.

one step closer to robot butlers.

Look, Daddy, a ladder!

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you think that's cool, you should go out on the veranda and look at

chairs.

Chairs!

Honey, thank you for talking me into it. Oh, baby, you're welcome.

Hey, I want you to know you were really good today. No, in front of the camera,

you were really good, like Queen Latifah Good.

Oh,

someone at the door.

Could it be Minnie?

It's Goofy.

Hey, hey, hey.

How'd it go today? Did we still pop?

Um, yeah, pretty much.

There's this one problem.

God, it was me, wasn't it? I was stiff. I really felt stiff.

No, you were fine.

Gracie.

What a ham. I'll work with her.

Not her.

Ruby?

Actually, Jim, it was you.

You're fired.

Fired? Oh, my God!

Well, I've never been fired in my life, and I've done a lot of things really

bad.

I'm sorry. My boss doesn't think you go with the rest of the family. Go? Well,

you know, you can tell your boss we may not go together, but we can damn sure

leave together.

Not a girl.

No, no, you can't do that. Oh, yeah?

Watch me. If Jim's fired, I'm fired.

That's my woman.

Well, then you can kiss your free cruise goodbye.

as we do.

Come on, honey. The kids are having fun. We're having fun.

What, do you want to flush a free vacation down a toilet along with your

lipstick?

You flushed my lipstick?

Well, it fell in and... Trust me, you didn't want it back.

Come on, Cheryl, please. I'm begging you. As your sister, I need your help.

I can't play the sister card again.

Fine, then I'll play the you stole my boyfriend in 10th grade card.

You stole my boyfriend in 10th grade. Why can't you let it go?

Please, Cheryl, you're the one having the fairy tale life. Throw Dana a bone.

All right.

All right, we'll stay.

Oh, thank you. You know, tomorrow we're shooting all day in Key West. Are you

going to be okay?

I'm going to be fine.

It'll be like opposite week. You'll work all week, and I'll sit on my butt

hoping the floor will vacuum itself.

Hey!

All right. So, in this next scene, you and the girls are going to be walking

down Green Street, you know, laughing, having a great time with your husband.

Okay, let's have fun. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

My husband?

Yeah. Um, look, I was going to tell you this sooner, but I didn't want you to

freak out.

We've recast Jim's part with an actor from L .A.

What? Yeah.

His name's Ted. And, um, he's coming this way, so please don't blow this for

Oh, my gosh. Mr. Cart.

Hi. Hi.

Look at this.

The happy husband and wife.

Let's step back and watch the magic happen.

Hi, I'm Ted. I'm Cheryl.

Abracadabra!

Listen, you are such a genius with cats. Dana, I haven't had my coffee yet.

Oh.

Look, I know you haven't done this before, so you're probably a little

especially since we have the kids.

Kids? Yeah.

Kitson had this great idea.

On the last day of shooting, we're on Disney's private island, Castaway Cay.

You guys are watching the sunset, and you, you know, yeah,

the whole piece builds to it, and Kitson really wants it.

Okay, that's nice.

Look, I think I understand, Donna.

Dana.

Listen, I know it's weird kissing someone you hardly know, so you just

think of it as a job.

Like, I had to kiss a monkey in a Japanese luggage commercial, and I

I felt almost nothing.

Hey, Cheryl!

Cheryl! Check it out!

Yeah, I wanted to see Key West, so I got myself a little hog for the day.

More like a little pig.

Hey, hello?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Ted, this is my husband, Jim, and Jim, this is Ted. He

my husband.

Oh, really?

Well, how about that?

Actors on set.

Got to run, Jim. It was nice meeting you.

Yeah, nice to meet me, too.

So, husband, huh?

Yeah, honey, I didn't know. I just found out myself.

That's cool.

Yeah, and honey, there's one more thing.

We need the wine.

You're the wife. Go on, you're the wife. Go on. Are you okay? Cool, everything's

cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool. Okay, good.

We're shooting a commercial here. You make noise, you answer to me, the big

Okay, they're sending the big man on a coffee run.

But I'm only making one trip, so think about it now.

Tell me, what's with this Ted guy?

Oh, my man Teddy?

Yeah, Teddy.

He's done some solid work.

Commercials, a few soaps.

Yeah, yeah. Method training. He's a real pro.

You got nothing to worry about.

What would I have to worry about anyway?

You know, some guys get pretty uptight standing around watching their wife kiss

a good -looking... Nothing.

What do you mean? They're going to kiss?

Well, yeah, but... What did this happen? I've never heard Dana say anything

about a kiss. It's not real.

I don't care if it's real or not. You can't kiss my wife.

It's a stage kiss. It doesn't matter if it's a stage kiss. No, no, no. There was

no kissing originally in this.

What are you talking about? When you kiss, you kiss too.

According to Jim.

Look at that.

Two kisses in one day.

Boy, sure are giving them out freely, aren't you?

So, Jim, did you get a chance to take in the sights while I was working?

With our wife?

Oh, my God!

I think it's broken.

Call me old -fashioned, but I just don't want my wife kissing some other guy!