Original subtitles

You want to hear Ruby's joke?

Sure.

Okay, so there's this alligator and this bird, and the bird poofs on an

alligator. Let's talk about poop when wiping bird poop off.

I love that.

That's really funny.

Okay, they're gone.

And the matador, bleeding from his shoulder, presented me with a

single rose.

That's Spain.

Wow.

Mommy, your cousin goes everywhere.

Yes, and then we get to hear all about it.

Mindy, more pasta?

Oh, no, thank you. I'm watching my figure. I'm getting married in a few

Yes, we know. In Bali.

With your soulmate, Eric.

Oh, you know, Eric and I went on a cooking tour of Italy's Ligurian Coast,

we made a sauce like this, but with truffle.

Well, I used to make the sauce with truffles, but, you know, we got so tired

it after a while.

Yeah, so we're sticking to the kind in the jar for now.

Oh, you know what? I'll have to send you my recipe. Of course, I'll have to

translate it from the original Italian.

Mindy, did you know that Cheryl speaks fluent French?

Oh, c 'est vrai.

In fact, Jim and I were just talking about going to France.

Weren't we, Jim?

Uh, no.

I mean, but I like French things.

You know, French fries, toast.

Oh! And that little skunk who's always trying to kiss that cat.

The point is that we travel.

We travel extensively.

Which is a good thing to talk about over divorce. Dessert.

Homemade Bavarian apple strudel? Yeah.

Which Cheryl discovered on her travels.

To the market down the street.

Daddy can't pay with checks, sir.

Oh. That was a mistake. I thought they were going out of business.

All right, I'm going to go help Shiro. Excuse me.

So, Osaka, Japan.

Shizuku ekiwa doko desu ka?

Who can guess what that means?

I'd like to kill myself?

That's silly. No.

No. I'd like to kill myself.

I hope, please, that you'll never go. And look, here's my engagement ring from

Eric. It's flawless, just like me.

Bill, what is this crap about us going to France? You know the deal. If you

to go to Europe... I am not making out with the pretzel girl from the mall.

Madagascar.

Strudel looks great.

married in a few months. I gotta watch my figure.

She put bacon fat in her coffee.

Cheryl, don't give that away. That is liquid gold.

Why do you let your cousin Mindy get to you?

Jim, you don't know what it's like.

Mindy's not the perfect person you've been compared to your whole life.

Cheryl, we all have our Mike Ditkus.

Come on.

When we were little, if I got an A, she got an A+. I won the district

championship in tennis. She won state. I had a cute boyfriend. She had a cuter

one. Well, you won the last one.

Oh.

You want me to take my shirt off in there so you can brag?

I'll do it. Just give me some kind of cue. You know, like, say pickle or

something.

I'll make it go smooth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get it. You've been to Venice.

Well, tomorrow I am jetting down to Florida to help my mom move into a new

condo.

Driving a rented truck.

Hey, who are the girls?

They're watching a DVD in the backseat of my SUV.

Apparently, they've never seen anything like that before.

I'm going to step outside.

Do you want a wedgie? Sure.

Oh,

did I tell you?

Eric's photography is really catching on. I mean, it's just a hobby, but

galleries are interested.

You know, Jim's band is doing great, too. They're playing gigs all over town.

Well... I'm Eric Smeuth.

Most of his shots are of me.

I'm the lead singer in Jim's band.

What? Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of fun. Right, Jim?

Sure, don't you think... Pickle, pickle.

Is that hot? Not near.

that up to make myself look better. Oh.

Gee, I wonder where I learned that little trick.

Oh, from my lead singer in the band.

So I embellished a little bit. Everybody does it. It's harmless. Is it?

Or is it just a slow descent into hell?

Honey, what's it going to be like keeping track of all your

Lies, building on lies.

You know, you're on a pretty high horse with someone who lies as often as you

do. Cheryl.

When I lie, I have legitimate reasons.

I either want something or want to get out of something.

But I would never lie to make myself look better in front of someone like

who, by the way, hit on me.

What? I'm just saying, when I took off my shirt, she was the only one that

didn't turn her head.

Yellow.

Oh, hi. Hi, Mindy. Yeah.

Really? Are you sure?

Of course. My band would love to play for your engagement party.

Yes, Cheryl will sing because she's in the band.

Terrific. Fantastic. Thank you.

Keep your head and hands in the car on your slow descent into hell.

Maybe you should just call Mindy back and tell her why.

I can't.

She'll spread it through the family like a virus.

I'll be a laughingstock. Can you imagine? Me.

Dan and Andy are in my family, and I'll be the laughingstock.

All right. I guess I'll see you at rehearsal tomorrow.

One o 'clock.

And a new guy always brings a beer.

And also, we have a standing tradition that the new guy has to eat a

out of... You just bring the beer.

Hey, John, how was that date last night? Oh, smoking, man. She had an incredible

set of... China.

Oh, was it Wedgwood?

Actually,

I think it was Bone.

Bone. But I don't get it.

He nailed a girl with big knockers. Cookie?

You sure you want to do this? I mean, you're not really a professional singer,

honey.

One phone call to Mindy and you can be out of this. No, no.

I'd rather face an audience than face Mindy.

Besides, you know, I sing in church. I've never gotten any complaints.

All right.

Your call, baby.

All right. Story Monday, guys. Tony King. One, two, three.

You ruined that song for me. She's also ruined New Orleans.

Yeah. Are you really going to let Cheryl sing at the party tonight?

Andy, women are like children.

They don't learn their lessons until they see the error of their ways.

What about men?

Oh, we got to go to jail.

One more time.

Babe, please don't go.

Cheryl. Yeah? Cheryl, why don't you save your voice for the show?

Oh, good idea.

Great idea.

party over with. A couple days in Florida and I officially hate my life.

Hanging out with mom will do that to you.

Why is a girl as pretty as you not married? Are you gay?

I wear one flannel shirt and she tried to set me up with her waxing lady.

And then she went on and on about how great Mindy's wedding is going to be and

how successful her record producer fiance is.

You know what? I'm glad I tore the labels off her medicines.

Midnight's Beyonce is a record producer?

Yeah, like Crocodile Records or something. Crocodile Records?

They do all the blues guys.

Andy, if he hears us and we're good, we may have a shot at the recording deal.

Wow. Hey, hey, for the album cover, let's get in a field stripped down

naked with daisies covering our business.

All we have to do is kick ass tonight.

Cheryl.

You can't let her sing.

sing? Where?

At the engagement party with our band.

Okay, why would you do that? Cheryl's totally tone deaf.

No kidding.

Haven't heard any dogs in the neighborhood lately, have you?

We've got to tell her.

She's gonna be so upset.

You do it. You're the husband. What?

Come on, you're blood. I just sleep with her.

Come on, Jim.

What's more important? Cheryl's happiness or our million to one shot at

deal?

Hey.

Did you guys hear me up there? Yeah. I was kicking.

Sweetie, sweetie, you know, I know you love singing. I do.

I do. I really do. You know, these last few days rehearsing with you guys have

been amazing.

I totally get why you love it so much.

So let's go to that party and rock back.

I prefer her crying to her singing.

Adina, the waxing lady, how did it go? Not dinner and a movie, no big deal.

Look

at

you.

Who knew that the little girl with the stammer would end up to be the lead

singer in a band?

Look at you.

The bedwet are all engaged.

Okay, then. I'm mingling. Okay.

I thought you were going to tell Cheryl in the car.

She was feeling too good.

Really, it's not a good time to do it.

How about when you told her to pump gas?

Hey, you better tell her quick. We're about to show our stuff to the record

producer. All right.

Fine.

Big grill keep on turning.

Proud Mary keep on burning.

Rolling, rolling, rolling on a river.

Doot, doot, doot, doot. Doot, doot, doot, doot. Doot, doot, doot, doot.

doot, doot, doot.

How you doing? I am pumped.

You better be on your toes up there because I might throw in a couple of

doots if I'm feeling it.

Cheryl, I love you so much. I really do.

And because I love you so much, I've got to tell you something.

What?

Cheryl, you don't sing very well.

I don't know what you're doing, but it's not singing.

Uh -oh. I know what this is.

What? This is one of those band things where you rag each other, but you don't

really mean it. Well, right back at you. You are a crappy harmonica player.

Cheryl, I didn't want to have to do this, but this is a tape of the

yesterday.

Is

that

really me?

Well, it's not Billie Holiday.

I suck.

Well, kind of.

Well, I'm sure people tried to tell you.

I'm sure they did, but just like the right notes in the song, you didn't hear

it.

I'm so embarrassed.

Wait a minute.

I've been rehearsing with you guys all week, and you wait till now to tell me?

Well, I was trying to teach you a little lesson about embellishment, but I just

couldn't get through it.

Why?

Cheryl, I'm too terrific.

No.

Why?

Well, I found out that Mindy's fiancé is a record producer.

I'm doing it for the band, Cheryl.

And for you, too. I mean, you want to live in those rags the rest of your

You want some new clothes?

Just leave you.

You set out to make me look like a fool, and now you're looking like you're

saving me to save yourself from looking like a fool.

And you made me pump gas.

Cheryl, I cannot help... if the gas tank is on a passenger side.

Blame Japan for that.

Jim, Cheryl, this is the Mr. and Mrs. Thaddeus Dempsey. Hello.

Hi, how are you? The whole party is abuzz about your group.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not going to be singing with the guys.

Oh, shock. Why?

Are we having a little stage fright?

That's what knocked you out of the district debate final.

I won.

You know what it is? I've got a little bit of a scratchy throat, and we're

opening up for a huge blues band next week. Really? Who?

Blind Limb Fats Jr.

I think I've heard them.

Yes, yes. Well, I am... now in an eternal funk about you not singing.

Oh, look, it's the Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Sinclairs. Come, Dempsey's, let's meet.

Cheryl!

What are you doing? You're embellishing again.

I'm not going to tell you the truth now. Why?

It's too embarrassing.

So what if it's embarrassing?

Who cares what other people think?

Come on, I'm not afraid to make a fool out of myself. I know I'm no Mick

but I'm having a ball up there.

Well, that's true.

You're no Mick Jagger.

Your whole life you've been trying to measure up to Mindy.

I mean, you are like a million times better than her.

Are you getting tired of it?

Okay, everybody, settle down.

Bride -to -be talking now.

It's inspiring to see so many happy couples out there.

The Simons, the Drakes, the Johnstons, my single cousins Dana and Andy.

It's going to happen for you.

Dana, Dana, Dana.

Save it for group.

Enough of me.

Who's ready to get their boogie on?

Let's welcome Cousin Jim and the guys.

Hi.

I don't... I actually have a scratchy throat. I'm perfectly healthy.

I'm just bad.

I can't sing.

And I'm not going to France. I've never made anything out of truffle. And that

Bavarian apple strudel?

Apple pie from a box.

You win.

I have something wonderful to tell you. Ladies and gentlemen, first of all, we'd

like to dedicate this first song to Mindy, the bride -to -be, and to her

Eric, who just happens to be a record producer.

And we just happen to be a band.

A record producer?

I'm an accountant at Crocodile Records.

Mindy, what have you been telling people?

Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.

No, no, Mindy, you know what? Seriously.

This is nothing to be embarrassed about.

You want to see something embarrassing, watch this.

What are you doing?

I'm going to do the one thing Mindy can't do.

I'm going to have fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome to the stage someone you're

going to forget after tonight.

She is... is gorgeous.

She is kind.

She's mine, all mine.

Please welcome from Chicago, Illinois, in her full glory, Cheryl, my wife.

We have a little song here we'd like to send out to all the accountants out

there.

This is a song we normally like to do nice and easy.

Real. Nice and easy.

But tonight, I'm thinking we're going to do this song rough.

Real rough.

Alright guys, kick it!