Original subtitles

What do you think? It's perfect. You don't want to overdo it with

I love it.

It's our best work ever.

Ready, Mommy?

Plug it in, sweetie.

Oh, baby.

And you'll never guess what I got you. Take a guess. I don't want to guess.

Please. Good choice, because you'll never guess.

I don't want to guess.

I totally own Christmas.

Dana's gifts aren't going to show me up this year.

Ho, ho, ho. Here comes the Christmas train.

Hey, Jim, it's getting a little slippery out there. You might want to salt the

walkway. No, no. Not until after Christmas. I do it to discourage the

Yeah, that's in case they miss Jim Snowman giving them the finger.

Well, you have a brother and sister, too, you know.

That big one's mine, right?

Calm down, Gracie. She probably stuffed that package to make it look bigger.

I know that trick.

Aunt Zena always gets us the best stuff.

Excuse me, who planted a tree in Israel for you last year?

Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

Yay!

Well...

Oh, looks like Santa got Dana a new credit card this year.

What is that supposed to mean? She hasn't worked for nine months. Money

grow on trees. Haven't you been paying attention to my lectures?

Yeah, Jim, I'm working my way through the cassette.

I'm still on volume four, Children, the Deductible Blessing.

Jim, why would you assume that I have money problems? I find that kind of

insulting.

Well... This isn't exactly PC, but everybody knows that women can't manage

money.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I saw an interview with Oprah on that.

Filmed on the island she bought.

Well, this woman made good money and she invested wisely.

All you plan for is your next salty snack.

I find that insulting.

Andy, chip me.

don't let him get to you with these silly stereotypes. Come on, throw on an

apron, help me bake some cookies.

This box isn't fooling anybody.

I better get to the toy store.

Oh, don't mind Jim. He's just mad because I got a pint and an air

the bathroom.

If I wanted to go in the woods, I would have married a bear.

Do you need money?

No, because I got a new credit card, just like Jim said.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Oh, it's a nightmare.

I mean, I got great gifts for the kids, but I had to skimp out on the rest of

you. Oh, come on.

Everybody's going to understand.

Cheryl, I don't need understanding. I need to feel like a big shot.

God, this is going to be the worst Christmas ever.

When Jim sees those stupid reindeer socks I got him, he's going to know he

right about me.

Okay, you're putting pepper on the cookies.

Hey, why don't you just put your name on one of the gifts I got, Jim? Cheryl,

I... Yeah, take the big red one with the green bow.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

And Jim will never find out? Dana, we're sisters.

Sister -sister bonds will be between us.

Okay, thank you. Oh, honey.

You're welcome.

Well, I should probably apologize in advance for the stupid oven mitts I got

this year.

I'm sure I'll love them.

Yeah, one's Captain, the other's Tennille.

Oh.

Twelve hours of shopping, four hours of wrapping. In 30 seconds, the kids are

off with their plunder like Viking raiders.

Well, they'll be back when they get hungry.

Well, the girls really seemed to like the dollhouse I got them. Yeah, they

Best gift ever, I think, for the worst of people.

Well, they're kids. They don't know crap about Christmas.

You guys haven't opened my gifts yet.

Looky here.

To Cheryl from her thoughtful brother.

The Robe, starring Richard Burton.

Wow, it's so unexpected.

Well, Jim said it was on your wish list.

What? Andy, you idiot. I said get a DVD or a robe.

You mumbled because you're always eating. No, you're not listening to me.

don't listen to me.

Forget it. What am I saying?

I'll just pop this in next time I'm in the mood for a two -hour and ten -minute

biblical epic.

Let me see what I got here.

Oh.

Wow, this is really cool.

It's Chicago Blackhawks' Zamboni keychain.

Honey, it's also a whistle. A whistle? How cool.

Oh, thank you, baby. Okay, yep. Oh, but my, my, my.

Okay, okay, Annie. Okay, Mr. Christmas.

Oh, wow, look at that.

An electric football game.

This is one like I had when I was a kid.

Please, Jim, you're embarrassing me with all the gushing.

I know it's no oven mitt or play reindeer socks, but enjoy.

How's that taste, sweetheart?

What did you get the gift you got for Jim?

Yes, Dana's gift.

I look forward to it all year.

Here, this is for me.

No, Dana, that's not the gift you got, Jim. No, it says from Dana to Jim. No,

no. Let me guess. This is a gift certificate to a bookstore?

Joke's on you, baby. They sell porn there now.

No, Dana.

This is to get... Oh, my God.

This is an 11 -game pack of tickets for the Chicago Blackhawks.

These are impossible to get.

Nina.

You got these for me?

Yep. Merry Christmas. Oh, Merry Christmas, Dana. Merry Christmas.

You know, I think the coffee's ready. Dana, can you help me? Sure.

Oh, my God.

Cheryl, can you believe it? No.

No, I can't.

Cheryl, I am so sorry. I told you to put your name on the big shiny red package

with the green bow. It was a shower CD.

I was going to, but I felt bad taking a big gift, so I just put my name on the

smallest one.

gift certificate.

By the way, thank you for the gift certificate.

Dana, I had a whole hockey theme leading up to those tickets. I had the

Blackhawks boxer shorts. Then I had that little tiny hockey stick.

I put more thought into this than naming Kyle.

Well, you still got him the shower CD. I mean, he'll use that every couple days.

Crap.

All right.

Fine. I'll just...

I'll just go in there and I'll tell Jim the tickets were from you. It'll be his

best Christmas present ever. My life is a total disaster.

Stop, not wait.

It's not important.

Jim's happy. Everybody's having a great Christmas. No one has to know.

Really?

Sister, Sister Bond, remember?

Your secret's safe with me.

I don't know how to thank you.

Yeah, well, go in and check on Kyle. I bet there's a diaper full of thank yous

right there.

Dina, Dina, Dina, check it out. Check it out. There's two home games this week.

I want you to go with me.

Really? You know,

I bet Cheryl would want to go. Hello, hockey fan over here.

Dina, Dina, you got me these tickets.

You're coming with me. Come on, let's go check online to see where the seats

are. Come on.

Christmas.

It says here the robe was the first movie shot in CinemaScope, 1953.

Fascinating. Yeah, yeah, isn't it?

You want to hear the director's commentary?

Sure.

We can't. He's dead.

Damn it!

I should be at that Blackhawks game.

Why couldn't Dana have gotten enough tickets for all of us?

Well, Dana's a very selfish person.

Hey! Hey, did you see it on TV?

What? That intermission, they called out our seat numbers, and we went down on

the ice.

I scored a goal!

Look what we won!

Man, we were sitting so close to the ice, I actually caught a tooth.

Oh, Dana, that was fun.

Yeah, the tickets were just great. Yeah, well, anyway.

Okay,

are we done for Wednesday, Cheryl? What?

We're going to do that fun, cool thing that's better than some stupid hockey

game. Oh, yeah, right.

No.

You know what?

I like her.

What? Dina, your sister, I really like her.

I mean, she was right on the mark with these hockey tickets.

Oh, please.

No, no, really. She gets me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she does.

No, no.

Oh, no, no. She really gets me. No, she doesn't get you.

I get you. I am the only person who has ever gotten you, and you will go to your

grave with me being the only person who gets you.

Well, you may get me, but all you got me was a whistle.

David didn't get you those tickets. I did.

What? I told her to put her name on one of them. of my gifts. Why?

Because she's broke.

I knew it. I knew it. She's broke. God bless us, everyone.

You can't say anything.

What do you mean I can't say anything? This is golden country, baby. I'm

on a saddle and I'm riding.

No, no, no, no. Jim.

No. What? She told me in confidence.

I am telling you in confidence.

I already broke the sister -sister bond. You cannot break the marital bond. I

thought the marital bond was where I'm not supposed to sleep with another

I mean, that's the one that gets all the press.

But there's also honoring each other's secrets.

Cheryl,

you and your secrets.

You keep secrets all the time. No, I don't. I lie. That's totally different.

I can't keep a story straight unless I invent it myself.

Yeah, for me.

This is important.

Oh, Cheryl.

All right, all right.

All right, but you know, I'm just a simple man.

I can only keep one marital bond at a time.

I'll keep your secret, so I don't want you flipping out if you hear about me in

the sack with Meg Ryan.

Okay? Well, that's only fair. Okay.

He's at the 20.

He's at the 10.

He's at...

You're probably just tuckered out because you've been to 11 billion hockey

with your best friend Dana. Oh, come on. Will you stop? No, no, no, no, Jim. No.

She stole Christmas from me. Were there expensive gifts for you and the girls?

All I got were these crappy reindeer socks.

Just looking at my feet pisses me off.

Why don't you stand up and you'll never see them?

Dana's. I'm going to rub these right in her face.

In fact, I'm going to put them down the back of my pants for the ride over.

Andy, you can't do that. I did it once with a shirt an ex -girlfriend gave me.

Sends a pretty strong message.

No, no, Andy, Andy. No, no, Andy, Andy.

No, no. You can't go into Dana's face like that.

Dana is off limits.

No, no. I mean it.

Off limits.

like her better. All right, listen.

You got to promise you're not going to say anything to anybody.

Cheryl bought me those tickets and let Dana put her name on it because she's...

She's broke.

No, no.

No, no.

Oh,

God bless us everyone.

Oh, Andy. Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, Andy, you can't say anything to her. You can't. Are you kidding me?

Jim, this is revenge for all those times she gave me wedgies and purple nurples

and told all her hot friends I was gay. Oh, Andy, I understand. It's killing me,

too, but you can't because I just broke the marital bond.

You slept with another chick?

I thought that's what it meant, too. But apparently it includes keeping your

wife's secrets.

And I'm only telling you because I'm protected by the guy -guy bond.

That's it.

Damn, guy bond. That's right.

Oh, it feels so weird.

Of course, it could be the reindeer socks.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Happy New Year!

Oh, girls, girls, girls. Okay, come on. This is the fourth time I've asked you

to stop. It's not New Year's yet. It's only 720.

you're somewhere?

Yes. On Monster Island.

Oh. Where we may move if you don't knock it off. Okay, okay.

All right, I'm gonna go get dessert.

Oh, I'll help you. Oh, I want dessert.

Hey, Jim. Yeah. Huh?

What do you say after dinner we throw down some cognac and ring in the new

with some electric football?

Uh, no.

Wow. That's good champagne.

Yeah. You think I'm going to let Jim make a toast with that swill he got at

yard sale?

But don't say anything.

Oh, your secret's safe.

Especially after what you did for me.

Thanks again.

It wasn't that much. Are you kidding me? You got him this great gift and you

can't take any credit for it.

It's no big deal.

No, it must be killing you to keep it inside.

You know, I think I'm going to get started on this right now.

You're the best.

Okay.

really like the dollhouse, huh?

Yeah, there's a lamp on the table that really lights up.

Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it.

How about the walkie -talkies I gave you? Pretty cool, huh?

We took the batteries out to make the lamp light up.

Well, when you guys fall down a well, at least you can call for help with your

precious dollhouse.

Andy, they just prefer the dollhouse. What are you going to do?

I guess if I wanted everyone to say how great Andy is, I should have just put my

name on the dollhouse, huh?

Oh, my God.

Cheryl told you.

I don't know what you're talking about. And even if I did, I wouldn't betray

Jim's confidence.

Jim knows?

And Cheryl told him. That's all I'm saying.

I cannot believe Cheryl told you.

clean her clock. No, no. Are you crazy?

Jim and I got a guy -guy bond.

If he finds out I rolled over on him, my life ain't worth a damn out on that

street.

I promise I'll let him bury you in your reindeer socks.

No.

Tell me she wasn't carrying the pie.

Because I like you and I want you here. Come here. Come on.

I'll tell you why.

Because we're all here and Cheryl would like to apologize.

Oh, Dana.

I am so sorry.

I should never have betrayed your confidence. That was wrong.

But, you know, it all started because I was trying to protect you.

Right. And you see, that's where our mistake was.

We were trying to protect you.

And you know what? We shouldn't protect each other from each other.

I mean, we're family here.

And if we can't talk to each other about what's really going on, then... I mean,

what's the point? We're just coming home and saying, where's the remote? We need

cheese.

Look, I want everyone to raise their glass.

Make a toast to Dana.

No, listen.

I know I'm a charming guy.

But I can probably say a lot of great things about you because I have a way

with, um...

Words. Words.

But I think everybody should say one word that describes Dana.

Like... Loving. Loving.

Strong. Beautiful.

Dollhouse.

Forgiving. Ooh, tenacious.

Talented. Stylish.

There you go.

Embarrassed.

Crying. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got one.

How about family?

Oh, family.

You see, Dana, you didn't hear us use one word like job or money or

rich or poor.

No, because, honey, that has nothing to do with who you are or how we see you.

Thanks, I really needed to hear that.

But you know what? I think next year is going to be my year.

And if I do need to talk to anyone, I know who I can turn to.

You know what I think we really learned this year? What?

Is that the girls really like my dollhouse better than Andy's walkie

You know what? You just couldn't let it go. Good job.